Chapter Seven: Are you avoiding me?

N A Y A

If it’s wrong that I can still feel Adam’s kisses on my lips even when I already took a shower, tell me. Tell me if it’s wrong kissing Adam when I don’t know him at all. I never let anyone do that to me without knowing their background first. 

While I was combing my hair, I couldn’t stop touching my lips, and kept shaking my head in disbelief that I just happen to kiss Adam Yung, when a few days ago I was hating him with I every might I find. I leave the house early this morning for the first in a while. My mother was watching a cooking show in the living room and asked me, “Where’s that guy last night?” 

“He just went home.” I pointed to the door as I walked past her. 

I “He could have at least said hi.” I think I heard her say. 

I laughed at the way my mother said it as if she’s not bothered that Adam and I shared a bed last night. I think that means she trusts me enough. 

When arrived at school, I was just one of the few students who came in early. I was looking for Adam everywhere, but he was nowhere to be found yet. So, I decided to go to the rooftop to kill time. 

It’s only been Thursday. But I have to find a partner by tomorrow, or else I won’t be able to join the trip. Or maybe, I can talk to Mrs. Lee and tell her my concern. Adam promised he would help me find one. I’ll just talk to him about when he’s here. 

We don’t have a class together today, but I’m sure we will come across each other’s way again. Sure enough. Like we always do. I have no idea how I came from being so lazy to wake up in the morning to being here on the campus exactly at 6:15. I usually came to school around the end of the first class. So, it surprises me too being an early bird. 

I leave the rooftop to join in my first class when I still don’t see a sign of Adam. Lunch comes but still no sign of him. Although I assume he would be with Chloe but I saw Chloe with that guy, Justin, his name right? They were at the cafeteria having a deep conversation. 

Chloe waved at me but quickly went back to talking to him. 

I wanted to ask if she knows where Adam could be, but I didn’t have enough urge so I decided to look for him in different classrooms. Still, no hint of him. 

Finally, my classes are over. No sign of Adam. 

Where are you, Adam? Are you avoiding me? 

My thoughts get more negative every passing minute. Did something happen to him on the way this morning? I take a table at the very corner of the room and sip on my coffee latte.

What if he regrets our kiss and just pretended that he didn’t? What if he realized he hates me after all? What if he likes Chloe’s kiss better than mine?

 What if–ugh… I hate this kind of thought. 

I take my phone out of my pocket and start typing on Chloe’s number. 

Have you seen Adam around? No, she can’t know. It will make her wonder why I am looking for him.

I delete that and type: Hey, did Adam update you about my partner? Tomorrow is Friday so I hope he finally asked someone. That jerk better have found me one.

I send the message. It sounds more casual and free from suspicion.

I’m surprised that she replies right away, He said he was sick and stayed home.

She sends another one: What happened last night?

Wait. He’s sick? How come he is when He was feeling just fine this morning when he left my house? 

Is he lying and hiding something that none of us knows about. 

Chloe finally answers my question: found you a partner. It’s Justin Nikham. From history class with Mrs. Lee. Do you recognize him?

I want to say that I met him last night but that will create a more suspicious hint on me and Adam. 

But Justin could have said something already since I saw them talking at the cafeteria. 

I reply: Yes. I do recognize him. 

Chloe probably knows that Adam slept at my house already. 

That means there is nothing I should hide from her. She knows it. Maybe when she waved at me earlier, she already knows. Maybe that’s why she ignored me right after because it hurt her feelings by discovering about us. 

Chloe replies: Good. You’re good to go on Monday. Makes sure you pack some bikinis. I heard there will a beach camping. Exciting! 

But she’s still in such a talking to me right now and I don’t hint of anger or jealousy from her. Maybe Justin isn’t that nosy and gossip about other people’s lives. 

I’ll just ask him if I have the opportunity tomorrow. It’s not like I’m afraid of people to find out, but Chloe obviously likes Adam and I wouldn’t want her to be hurt. Next time, I have to be careful. Or maybe, Adam realizes the same thing too. He wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings, that’s why he is nowhere to be found to avoid the opportunity of us to be in one place. 

He’s right. I would do the same thing. I don’t want to be someone that will ruin a friendship just over liking one guy. 

And perhaps Adam cares for Chloe more than he cares for me.

I take another sip of my coffee. I hope it rains so it could match this emotion I have inside me right now. Sometimes, the rain helps a lot when I’m lonely and filled with hopeless thoughts. Sometimes, it reminds me of Sophia. She was always with me when it rains. She would grab coffee with me and Chloe. We would stay up late talking on the phone until 1 A. M. She would go sacrifice a time to study with me. She had passed and failed tests with me. Had fun with me. Cried with me over infatuated relationships I had with boys. Now, all that ever left of her are the memories inside my head that I can’t even touch.  

There are times, I would wish I didn’t meet her, so it would have been easier to live my life. It would have been just a death of a stranger I didn’t know, but she was my best friend. Chloe is my best friend too, but she didn’t grief over Sophia’s death as I did for weeks. 

I look down and realize I still have to reply to Chloe’s text: Bikinis is not my thing. 

I add: not anymore. 

She replies: Come on, Aya. Try at least. It’ll be fun. 

I type: okay…will try. Then I hit send.

When I look outside through the glass window, at the same time I catch a glimpse of Adam walking past by. He is laughing with someone next to him. I know it is a girl. I hurry to my feet and push the door as quick as I can muster. My eyes scan the crowd. Just in time when I find them, they take a turn to the right corner.

She is just right as tall as him or maybe because her hair is on a high ponytail. I go back inside to grab my things except for my coffee on the table. 

My feet stride on the sidewalk as I try to look for them again even when I am not really sure what to expect. My heart is already beating out loud in my chest as if anytime it will explode. Every time I take a step forward, I hope it’s not something in my mind. Something that will shatter my trust in my heart. 

As I turn to the same corner they went to, I gather the urge to speak the right words. I swerve through the crowds at the same time trying to find hints of them. He was wearing a denim jacket and a white shirt underneath. The girl was wearing a black shirt and blue-washed jeans. Her face was hidden the whole, so I didn’t really have the chance to familiar it. 

When I turn again to another left, they’re no longer to be found. I’m out of breath when I swerve to a little right corner. They are already out of sight. 

Why does it feel like I’ve just been played? 

I finally give up and sit on the bottom of cemented stairs where people are passing by. I push my bag to my lap and pull out my water bottle. 

I’m starting to hate this feeling. Why would I expect to be someone special to Adam? He isn’t someone who I should trust with my heart in the first place. Even if we kissed, it’s not like he never kissed anyone before. So there is nothing special to ours. It’s not different from any other kisses he had with anyone. I bet he would be laughing at me as I make a big deal out of it right now. I bet he could be hiding somewhere laughing at me. 

I thought I don’t care. But I do. When I told him about my parents, I wanted him to know about it because I felt safe somehow with him at that moment. When he asked for my permission to kiss me, I wanted to tell him that it’s the first time someone had the urge to ask it before doing it. Never did I think it would be Adam. He was far from my expectation.

Now, I have no idea what he is up to and what he wants from me, it would be hard to trust his actions and words again. If only I could go back…

I stop my thoughts when someone in white shoes steps in front of me. 

“Naya?” I recognize Adam’s voice. 

I look up meeting his eyes, “Adam?” 

Everything I was thinking starts to fade away. But there’s a wave of anger rising up in me. I’m a little scared that I might blow up on the wrong side of judgment. 

I get up to my feet and try to be brave to face him. 

“Why are you sitting here in this corner?” He sounds suddenly concerned as he touches me on my arms. 

I pull from him right away. His face crumples up in confusion when my snap reaction caught him off guard. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks in a low voice. 

“Really, Adam?” I say nearly shouting. I notice a few heads turn on us, but I care less. “You’re just gonna act as if nothing happened?” 

“Can you tell me what happened because I have no idea?” He reaches for me again, but I won’t let him. 

“Come on, Adam. You can do better than this. Don’t act innocent.” I yell. 

“Act innocent? What do you mean? ” He says as if he doesn’t have any clue of what I am saying. 

He gently grabs me by my shoulder. “Naya, I know what you saw. But it’s not what you think.” He tells me, not leaving my gaze. 

I release a sigh before stepping away. He can’t expect me to believe him and throw away the jealousy, the fear, and the pain that I feel now. I want to slap him but I deserve to hear what he has to say. 

 “Who is she then?” I ask. And he knows that I saw them but I don’t think he plans on telling me.

Adam’s eyes meet the ground. “Nobody.” 

“Okay,” I tell him. I know he’s hiding something. I know she’s not just nobody like he's telling me. “You know what, Adam. Just forget it. I don't even want this.”

He meets my gaze. There is a glow of worry plastering on his face. “Naya.”He reaches for me. 

“No, Adam. I hope you know well that I don’t believe in anything when it comes to things like this. I told you last night that love and fate are having my doubts. I thought…” I breathe in and out before going on. “I thought you cared enough–” 

“I do, Naya! I do care about you. I just–”

“But you act like you don’t!” I cut him right before he can finish. 

 Both of us are catching our breaths. 

“I just needed to see her because…” He sticks his tongue out to his lower lip then he looks over the streets. It looks like he’s struggling to find the right words to use to lie to me. 

“Spill it out,” I say under my breath, so I don’t think he hears me. 

He shakes his head. 

“See? You can’t even look me in the eyes, Adam.”

“She just returned something important, that’s all. Please, believe me, Naya.” He puts his hands into his pockets when the wind passes through us. 

Right here at this moment, I can see the desperate look on his face. He wants me to believe him but how do I fix it when it has just been shattered? It’s not that easy to pull back a trust.

“I believe you, Adam. I want to.” I say. His eyes lock with mine. I want to touch his face and hold his hands, but I know shouldn’t. “But it’s clear to me now that we’re just a moment for each other. And it should be good for us if we stay away so we won’t hurt the people around us.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Chloe likes you, Adam. And I know you are aware of her feelings. She’s my best friend. I don’t want to hurt her just because of whatever this thing is going on between us, so let’s just cut it off. I hope you finally understand my point.” I tell him. 

If I would be honest, I think there’s really nothing going on between us. But hearing it from myself makes it clearer that there is no chance for us to go further from where we began. I hated him. We kissed. He can’t get away from my way. We both can’t. I guess it’s Adam and Chloe who can’t get away from each other too. 

“After all, it was just a pointless kiss,” I say.

“Naya,” He reaches again but I step backward furthermore. The flash of pain on his face gives me a rush of guilt in me. 

He does this every time. Making me feel guilty. Making me feel worse about the situation when he was the one who did terribly. 

I watch as his gaze lands on the ground. I look away. He’s not supposed to act like this. He should be happy that we’re ending things before it becomes worse. 

“I guess…” He pauses. “I guess you really meant it this time. But please remember that I don’t regret that kiss, Naya. I wouldn’t wish to go back in time and take it back.” He tells me. My heart sinks at his words. I feel like something is gripping inside my chest. 

“Trust me, Adam. You’ll thank me for doing this. It’s better this way.” 

He steps towards me again, “There’s no better way than being near you and being able to touch you, Naya. I want to be closed to you.” He blurts out. His eyes search for my gaze. 

But I can’t look at him right now. It’s hard to do it when my heart is aching at the sight of someone who just caused me this pain. 

“Can’t you see? We’re not for each other. I don’t believe in fate or love, Adam. This what happens when you do.” I lift my hands in the air, “It all becomes messy and confusing.” 

“Don’t do this, Naya,” his voice pleading. 

“No,” I say, shaking my head. “It’s better this way.” 

I attempt to walk away but he grabs ahold of my hands. His hands are cold against mine. 

His touch. His weakening touch of my hands is making me want to kiss him right here. To forgive him. To be a careless friend to Chloe, but I can’t. I can’t and it hurts so bad because this feels like torture. 

“Stay.” He begs. 

“Forgive me, Adam. This is a mistake and we both know it. ” I say. “I realize that kiss doesn’t mean anything to me.” My voice stammers.

The time slows down as Adam slowly loses his hold on my hands as the words sink into him. The moment I lose his touch, I shake in a cry as he finally lets me walk away. My chest is burning in pain right now. I just want to disappear and be gone. I just want to go back to the time we haven’t met each other yet. I just want to forget everything that happened between us. I hope I could go back and never let him kiss me in the first place. 

His kiss. His lips. His eyes. His laugh. His smile. His touch. I want it all erased right at this moment. But they’re chasing me in the back of my head. They’re telling me to turn back around and just stay as he begged me to. But in my mind, Chloe’s eyes are looking at me with her sweet smile, telling me to keep going until I reach home. 

I gotta be that girl that accepts every circumstance that passes on me. I wipe away the tears on my cheeks. I’m just thankful that there aren’t too many people witnessing this scene we have right now. 

Before I can turn to my streets, the rain pours down. My mind flashes back to the days Adam saved me from falling to the ground and from the rain. This time, it will be different. He won’t be here to save me from the rain and from falling into this pain.