Chapter Six - I CAN'T BE MORE THAN THAT...

OLWETHU'S POV

I was left trying to catch my breath. I couldn't believe she did that. I could not believe that she touched me and then left me just like that.

I sighed and got off from her desk and went to my office. I started packing up my laptop and locked getting ready to leave.

When I reached the reception desk my name was called.

"Olwethu..."

I thought about just ignoring her and leaving for the shit she just did. I thought about it, but my heart wouldn't let me and I wanted to tell her that I'm not a fucking toy.

So I turned around and looked at her. She looked tired or torn it made me worry deep down....but I was also pissed for the stunt she pulled 20 minutes ago.

"What the fuck was that Valentia? What the fuck do you call what you just did??"

She swallowed, "I deserve that.. I'm sorry.. I... I wasn't thinking I just let my feelings take over. I just... I'm sorry."

She let her feelings take over? So she still got feelings for me?

Fuck!!!!!

This was not good. I mean I was good assuming she was way over heels for her wife because then it was not easy but actually possible to walk away. I was good assuming that she didn't love me anymore. Knowing she's doing everything in her power to stop what she was feeling was killing me. It was like the force of nature was pulling us towards each other and we were trying by all means to go against that.

I wanted her more than anything.. but she was still married. She still had a wife to go back home to, and I had no one.

I turned on my heels and got out without even saying a word. I wasn't about to fall for this. I wasn't about to fall for this shit and let my heart be ripped off again.

I was 21 and not 17, I can control my feelings now and I was not going to fall for the same trick that broke me 4 years ago. I just wasn't.

I got inside my friend's car and drove straight home.

"You're early...." Precious said and I sighed, "yeah.. running from my demons.. I'll be working in my bedroom okay..."

"Are you okay?"

I couldn't lie, especially to her, so I shook my head, "but I will be fine. I just need to finish this."

"Did you and Paige fight?" She asked and I sighed knowing I need to tell Paige that ain't about being all cuddly everyday and relationships aren't on my plate right now.

"It's not Paige Rosie..."

"So It's Vee... what did she do?"

"Nothing..." I said tirelesly.

"Come on..."

I swallowed and shook my head, "I just wanna work and not think about Valentia Louw for once....please. Please I need to finish this."

She sighed, she knew when I was like this I didn't need to be bothered.

I was just drained..

I took out my laptop and connected to it's charger before putting it in bed. I got out of my clothes and put on my loose tank.

I started working right away.

Like I got a bit confused with what happened today, I mean yes we've been having weird moments and stares where we actually felt gravity pulling us towards each other.. and we would refuse to give in somehow. We never touched.. not like she did me today.

She walked closer to me until I was cornered against the wall, then she touched me.. my ass...my waist and rested her head on my shoulder.

Having her close to me like that was just torture. I felt like holding on and never letting go. I felt like pulling her and kissing the living shit out of her. But then she pushed me towards her desk and wedged herself in between my thighs. I thought she was going to do it. I thought she was going to kiss me.

But she pulled away and left.

I wonder what was in her mind. I wonder what she was thinking... I mean I heard her whisper that she can't.. whatever she was talking about I wanna know it. Did she mean she can't do this with me or she can't control herself?

I sighed and closed my eyes.

Fuckkkkkk... Valentia was killing me.

Like why couldn't she just leave my mind or heart for that matter. Why couldn't I find someone with less complications, who wasn't married and had only me to pick from. Why did she have to be married and why didn't we meet way before that...

Because you were 13 when she married.  My inner voice said and I scoffed at myself. I honestly wasn't going to get any work done with all her in my mind.

My phone vibrated and I took it.

BOSS: look I sincerely apologize for what happened. I didn't mean for it. I'm sorry. Can you please come to the office tomorrow..

I rolled my eyes. No can do.

ME: I heard your apology first time. For tomorrow, I already made plans to go see my mom Valentia.. I've been working every weekends.. I need to see my family, I'll be back at the office on Monday to do what I'm paid for.

I don't know where the bitch on my last sentence came from but I couldn't take it back, it was already gone and she read it.

I was about to put my phone down when it vibrated again.

Ahh.. Paige..

PAIGE: I am down here... I mean I'm coming up. Get ready to make out with me.

I sighed, I wasn't in the mood for making out or sex.. worse when Valentia fucken Louw couldn't leave my mind.  But it just made me remember that we need to talk and sort shit out.

I put my phone away and my door opened revealing the girl who just texted me.

"Hey... working?"

I nodded, "hey yep.. come on in."

"Please put something on." She said looking at my naked thighs.

I laughed, "Paige, I have work... and no we ain't having sex."

She frowned and came to sit next to me with her right hand on my thigh, "but I want to have sex...with you." 

She started brushing my thigh and I sighed, "Paige I have a lot of wo...."

She kissed me. I kissed her back but Valentia was on my mind. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate. I held her head and pinned it on me...

"I just want to have sex..  nothing much..." she whispered and I switched us over..

"Sex only huh...?" I asked breathing down her neck and she whispered again, "please... please.."

I looked at her and lowered myself to her...then we kissed.

It was different, she smelled different and this just felt so wrong.

It's her I wanted. It's her my soul was craving for.. Not Paige...

You know I failed to understand this, but how can God let me fall head over heels for someone who wasn't mine. How can someone who wasn't even mine hold my feelings prisoner like this?

I HONESTLY couldn't love anyone beyond her, I couldn't even love anyone close to how I loved her. It was always below and that just wasn't enough. Because it still gave much room for her in my heart and mind.

Couldn't I just be given someone else to love?

It fucken killed me thinking about it. She unknowingly wiped the thought of me and someone else who isn't her from my mind. The moment I tasted her I didn't feel the need for anyone else.

It just fucked me up.

"Olwethu... Olwethu what's wrong?"

I lifted my head up and opened my eyes to find Paige giving me a very worried look.

She wiped tears on my face that I didn't even know were there, "what's wrong..."

I got off of her and laid in bed.

"Fuck I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was crying..."

She kissed my cheek, "it's okay.. talk to me.. since well having sex is now out of the topic..."

"Paige..."

"I know something is bothering you and Olwethu you and I don't talk, we just you know get it on and then off.. but I'm worried, as a friend and well fuck buddy. I just want to know what's wrong.. what happened... did I do something wrong? Should we stop this..?"

I shook my head, "God Paige you did nothing wrong.. I just.. I'm fucked up."

The girl ached her brow at me and laid on her side to actually give me a good look, "more fucked up than me?"

I decided to be honest, "been in love with the same person for almost five years now...and she has been married 7/8 years... like it's insane how much effect she still has on me even today.. I feel the same if not more butterflies I felt when I see her. She's got me Paige and she ain't even mine to begin with.."

The girl next to me smiled a bit, "Well, I devoted my life and love to my girlfriend for four years only for her to decide to commit suicide because she saw no reason for living... I mean even I wasn't reason enough.."

Fuck! That cut way way deeper..

"Shit Paige this wasn't some who has it worse competition... fuck.. that's deep...you take the cup okay."

She laughed, it wasn't your 'fuck this is funny' laugh, it was that sad one. That 'you know life can fuck you up and sometimes there's nothing you can do but move on' laugh.

"I know.. and I have been scared to kinda raise this.. Because you and I are just sex and I want us to kinda stay like that. Olwethu I'm not ready to give my heart away like that only for it to be ripped apart in that way again..."

"And I'm not ready to give my heart.. Oh wait.. I don't have it, someone has it already. I just thought you'd fall or like me."

She smiled, "I like you, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this with you, but that's as far as it goes. I have been hurt Olwethu... and I seriously don't want to go through that."

I nodded, "yeah.."

She smiled, "sooo tell the about the woman... coz she can't be a girl..."

I shrugged, "there's nothing much to say really. I just wish if we could turn our feelings on and off.. I'd have definitely switched hers off.. I can't take this anymore. It fucken hurts you know.."

"Is it Valentia?" She asked and my eyes shot wide open at her, "the.. whaaaat?"

"I won't complain... I mean she is married for the same length you mentioned, I've seen the sexual tension between you guys. It's over the top. And the way you look at her, you probably don't realize and maybe she doesn't too, but you look at her like she's the only living thing on this earth. You really are in deep shit."

"Okay Doctor LOVE.. how do I unlove her...?"

Paige laughed and poked my shoulder, "for such a smart person you are.. that's the most dumbest thing to ever ask.."

I shook my head, "loving her hurts and trying not to love her hurts.. I just want to know what it would take me to move on. She's married... I try convincing myself and reminding myself that but nothing works. The last four years I felt like I wasn't feeling at some points, hence I broke up with Jasmine. Everything just didn't come close to how Vee made me feel..makes me feel. It's scary Paige. I don't want to be her prisoner again."

"Have y'all kissed of fucked in her office yet?" Paige asked and I gasped, "Paige..."

"In the elevator...? GOD this sound so fucken sexy.. like can't y'all do it.. or have you?"

"Nooo and it won't happen... what part of she is married don't you get."

"Vee loves you.. as much. She's just too pussy to take action. It's like she's waiting for something.. a sign to prove that you would literally do anything and you two belong together.. she wants you but she has tiny doubts.. I'd say age maybe, I mean she knows she's hot.. but people my age scare her a bit.. and then her family. She values those people with every breath... so this on her side is kinda hard... and you're miss goodie two shoes.. She's scared she'll hurt you.."

I processed everything she said, "fine. See from now onwards. I'm done. I'm done trying to give in on her, I'm done wanting her... I am done feeling shit for me because of how I feel. From now on wards, I am going to ignore Vee and pay attention to my boss.. I'll look past her and see my boss.. that's all. Professionalism... I will be that."

Paige laughed, "all the best.. you'll need it."

"Fuck you.."

"You do that pretty well Lin..."

We stayed looking at each other like that and Paige laughed, "fuck you're fucked. So have you guys ever like fucked...?"

I scratched my head, "now no.. but umm... four years ago yeah..."

"Shit Lin.. four years ago you were.. 21, 20, 19, 18 holly dick.. seventeen..."

I laughed, "it's so funny how you say dick but don't even want it inside you.."

"Ewwww don't even think about that... just think about you and Vee.."

I rolled my eyes, was she going to tease me about this for the rest of my life?

"Paige I'm trying NOT to even think about Vee..."

She smiled and climbed in top of me, "can I help with that..." then she lifted up my tank top and licked my ribs...

"Paige I really am not in the mood to actually have seeeeee....." I sighed the moment I felt her finger slide on my clit...

When the fuck did she take off my undies.

She kissed my lips, "you were saying?"

I laughed, "fuck you?"

"Good.. let me.."

...

My weekend was insanely amazing and I get to say it was Valentia free for real. I went home and spent time with my mom and little sister.

Gosh, I swear Lizzie was growing every second and it was just hard for me. I knew soon I'd have to be looking out for boys and shit. And I wasn't ready..

We went out and I ate, then came back and chilled more in the house. My mom was happy to see me and I was happy to see her.

"Honey.. what's troubling you?" She asked at night and I furrowed my brows at her in confusion, I mean I have been pretty good at hiding how fucked up and confused I was, "mom.. nothing."

"Now you do know that you can't lie to me .. that you know, so out with it."

I sighed, my mother knew about Vee and I. I had to come clean about everything in my life. EVERYTHING....

"Mom. I'm working for Vee..."

"Wait.. what? Vee? As in your high school girlfriend teacher Vee?"

Jesus... my mother.. girlfriend teacher???? Is that a thing?

"Umh yeah.. that. This is her company and it's so difficult."

"Look for another job..."

"Mom I been doing that for the past six months and I finally scored and the company is hers. I can't go through that again..."

"Then try and find someone else.."

I sighed, "I have been. Nothing compares to her even when I'm not comparing. No one makes me feel the way she does. I am trying so so hard but it's just so difficult. I wish I didn't love her... I wish I didn't because that's the only thing that would take me out of this misery. Like why is God punishing me like this.. why bring her back in my life..."

My mom took my hands, "I know it's hard.. having to watch her knowing exactly that she isn't yours... wanting her more than anything but it's not happening. I know. Just try and concentrate on why you are there and forget anything else. I know it won't be easy but be as professional as one can be.."

Right... of course... Professionalism.

"Yeah.. thanks mom. I need to go.. tomorrow it's work."

...

You know professionalism...? I practiced that shit and played it very well. Vee tried joking but I didn't budge, I was protecting me.

I was cold.. I hated it but it was good for me. She was now at a distance and I wouldn't hurt as much when the wife thing came or when she visited.

Paige and I grew close and sex was just fun. I was enjoying this because we both didn't want relationships but enjoyed each other's company..

March arrived and we had three weeks to announce the winner...

The eight books were almost finished. We had one to finish today.. and I was just happy we were about to finish up.

Today I was wearing my blue short dress and I was actually looking and feeling great. Paige slept over and she kinda cheered me up in the morning.

"Jerrrrrry my guy... today I'm finishing up the competition.."

"You look hot.. are you trying to charm anyone? Oh God, you and Paige.. did you break up because I'm not seeing her here anymore.."

"Jeremy.. Paige and I were never dating. She's a friend.."

He laughed, "right.. umh so boss lady is waiting for you in her office.."

I sighed, "man.. okay let me go..."

I slowly walked to my boss's office.

I knocked and she shouted come in, which I did soon.

"Hey.. Jerry says you asking for me."

"Yeah, today you are working with me here, so I suggest you get your staff in here okay..."

"Yes ma'am.. let me get to it then.." I said and walked out.

I collected my staff and ended up in her office. It wasn't as tense, we really were paying attention to our work.

We'd look at each other once in a while but then back to work.

She ordered lunch in and then we kept going.

We were now down to five..

"I still think AUDACITY takes it for now.. it's on top three..." I said and she laughed, "then I vote MASTER OF MAGIC..."

"What Valentia that book sucks balls..."

She laughed, "not really.. he is funny, way way more than you.."

"Why are you hating. He isn't funny at all."

"You do know what that means... it means that you are not even close to being funny.."

I rolled my eyes, "stop being so jealous Vee, I'm funny and you know it."

"Keep dreaming.."

Today was the first day we actually were talking freely like this. I suppose it was because we are like in the same room.

I laughed, "anyways check page 208 this guy knows his staff.. he has to take the first prize..."

She sighed, "okay fine.. AUDACITY takes the first place.. let's..."

The door opened startling us..

"Baby I thought I should bring you food since...." Zai fucken Louw walked in and she kept quiet when her eyes landed on me. She looked like she's seen a ghost.

"What the fuck is she doing here..." she asked and I flinched at her swearing. It was the first time hearing it.

I got up, "umm boss, I'll let you talk to your wife..."

"Boss? Boss Valentia.. how on earth don't I know about this bitch working for you..."

I shook my head, "hold on Mrs Louw.. careful what you call me please..."

"Or what? You'll again wreck my home like you did last time?" She then looked at her wife, "answer me... did she sleep with you to get this job.. are you fucking each other. Valentia?"

"Zai I would watch my words if I was you. I am fully qualified for this job and I am doing it fucken well.. don't you dare disrespect me and talk as if I'm some lose..."

"But honey, You are some lose trash... busy messing up my family and..." she cut me off.

"Enough both of you!" Vee said in the most toughest voice ever..

But I was mad, so I turned to her, "fix this mess.. I will not tolerate her talking to me like I'm nothing.. whether she's your wife or not.. I won't tolerate her shit...."

Then I got out....