Present Day
“I will hunt you down”, he breathes in my ear. “I will hunt you, like the fucking pig that you are.” He snarls, “I will kill you and your family if you ever leave me.”
“I-I promise, I won’t leave. I don’t want to leave Dean. Please!” I beg him. I wholeheartedly believe he will kill my family and me.
“Not good enough. Come,” Dean orders. He tugs my arm hard and drags me to the car, tossing me into the passenger side, slamming the door behind him. When he climbs into the driver's side, he smiles at me sinisterly and starts the car.
We drive down a very dark long dirt road with no streetlights. Dean stops, puts the car in park, and turns to me with an icy stare and evil smirk.
He turns the headlights off; for a moment; we’re in complete darkness. Just as quickly as he turned them off, he turns the lights back on to high beam. We’re in the bush, the kind of place that only animals touch.
“This is where you will die if you ever leave me.” He points towards the darkness. I swallow hard.
“No one will find you; no one will hear your pleas for help. No one will hear you scream,” Dean whispers menacingly, his eyes boring into mine. I turn away from him. I’ve never felt so scared in my life until right now.
“Do you understand me now?” he asks, jerking my chin in his direction.
“Yes, I understand you.” I tremble under his hand.
“Good”, he breathes, “Because after I kill you, I’ll go after your mother, then your sweet sister Abbey. I’ve always wanted a taste of Abbey, and then I’ll take out Quinn and then their baby. Grrrr woof, woof, gruff.”
I jerk awake and find Benny barking and huffing, laying his big head on my chest. It was just a dream, a nightmare. I take five long deep breaths while staring into Benny’s beautiful brown puppy dog eyes and start grounding. One of my great techniques my therapist gave me to use during times like these. I focus on Benny, his eyes, short soft fur, floppy ears, and calm breathing.
He nudges my hand with his cold, wet nose, and I give him a good scratch behind his ear, “Thanks, Benny, what would I do without you, huh.”
He whines a little, “Yes, yes, I know it’s treat time. You did so well.”
Benny jumps off my bed and sits on the floor, patiently waiting for his treat. I lift the covers and sit on the edge of my bed; I pull open my bedside draw and open the small jar of treats I keep for these kinds of occasions. I give Benny his doggy treat, and he obediently walks over to his bed and lays down, chewing merrily.
I glance at the clock; 7 am, awesome. I’ve slept to a decent hour for once. I get up with a big stretch and take a nice long hot shower in my lovely spacious bathroom. My shower is built for two, but it’s enough to fit four people inside. It has two oversized showerheads. I laugh to myself as if another person will ever be in my life again.
I went from one extreme to the other in my life. I once wanted all the boys, and now I can’t get away from them fast enough. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve tried dating it’s just not for me. Not right now and maybe not ever. I don’t see a partner, man or woman coming into my life. I’m riding life solo.
But the question for today, right this very moment, is Left or Right?
“Right”, I mutter to myself as I turn the right shower head on to the perfect temperature.
“Hey Siri”, I call out, “Play Bathroom Playlist.”
The benefit of living on my own is the Smart Home System I had installed. Music is one of the few things that has helped me get through the trauma. Trauma. I shake that train of thought away.
Anyways, who doesn’t have fun controlling their home? It’s like when I was a kid flicking the lights off and on or jumping on the bed. I can do whatever the fuck I like, and if I break it, who the hell cares? I’ll fix it my damn self.
The heavenly rock sounds of Silverchair – Greatest View reverberates through the bathroom.
I’ve lived in my apartment in McMahons Point harbourside of the lower North Shore of Sydney, for about a year now, and I can hardly describe its beauty. It took a while to work up the courage to move out and live on my own, but now that I do live alone, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I live on the 9th Floor of a 12-floor building with a lovely view of the Sydney Harbor from my lounge room, the master and ensuite bathroom. It’s gorgeous every single day, rain, hail, or shine and this morning, a little fog.
I finish my shower and get dressed in a white t-shirt, dark jeans, black biker boots. I put on a little light makeup; I’m pretty pale, but that could be from the poor sleep I’ve been having lately; one good night is never enough. My eye colour is strange; they have a blue outer ring and grey in the middle with green flecks within the grey. Sometimes they look blue, and other days like today, they look grey.
The one attribute I like about myself is my lovely dark loose curls; it’s a deep brown and flows to the top of my waist. When wet, my hair touches the back of my thighs.
I quickly have some cereal and feed Benny; Sally, my dog walker/sitter, will be here for him soon. I love taking Benny to work, but today one of the girls in Group is petrified of dogs. I won’t do that to her or him.
“Shit! Benny, it’s 8:30!” I throw my lipstick and wallet in my bag, pick up my keys and head out, “Love you, Benny Boy!” I call out to him.
I quickly jab the elevator button and find Dax has already pressed the call button; he’s leaning against the wall waiting for it to come up, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
He chuckles, “Of course not. You always have your head in the clouds. What’s on the agenda for today?”
Dax is one of my best guy friends and the lead singer for his band Modus Grace, they released another album called Siren’s Legion. He’s also my next-door neighbour. We tried the dating thing, but it never went any further than a friendship that I cherish.
“I’m heading to Group.”
“Doing one of your speech’s thing?” he asks as the doors slide open; we step in.
“Nah, just a small Group Therapy session. It’s my last one.”
He raises an eyebrow; I’ve said this before, but I’m making this one the last one. The nightmares are becoming too frequent again. I need to let it go and concentrate on living for the now and not the past.
“I’m serious. Truly. I heard the girls are throwing a farewell party for me.”
“Probably to make sure you don’t come back”, he laughs. I hit him in the arm playfully, “You want to sing tonight?”
“I have to work behind the bar, but if Joe allows it, I’ll sing a couple of songs.”
“Good. I’ll send you a couple of songs I want you to sing.” He says, holding the elevator doors for me. We both step out; he heads over to his sleek sports car. I don’t know what it is. All I know is it’s fancy, fast and likely ridiculously overpriced. I wave bye and walk in the other direction to my car; it’s an Audi SQ7 SUV.
It’s a lux vehicle that can go off-road, which works for me because my mother practically lives in the countryside in Megalong Valley, which borders the outer metropolitan area and The Blue Mountains. She loves that she's near the metro areas as well as the country region. Her nearest neighbour is about a kilometre or two away.
I turn the car on, and the music blasts, “Shit!” I turn it down and hear Dax laughing his arse off at me. I wasn’t always a jumpy person, but after Dean, I think it’ll take years to get over sudden noises and shadows.
I give Dax the bird as he drives by; I reverse out and follow him out of the underground parking lot. He turns left, and I turn right. He’ll be practising with his band today.
A new message comes through with the shared playlist; this is going to be interesting.
The Bar is my latest investment with Joe Roberts, an old family friend who ran an old pub called The Commercial Hotel, which wasn’t a hotel at all. It was an incredibly old-timey Aussie pub. When we left the old neighbourhood, Joe somehow tagged along and opened a small coffee bar. When I started earning the big bucks, I ask if he would partner with me in opening a new bar near the bay of the city of Sydney, which is quite a feat now that I think about everything, we’ve been through to get here.
Dax and his band play at The Bar a few times a week, and some days I sing with them, mostly cover songs. I’ll never do it professionally. I don’t need to have my face in every media outlet, not with Dean getting out soon.
Modus Grace is famous in the Pub circuit of Sydney, but other than that, the band prefers to stay low key and sell their music how they see fit. They don’t want to sign to a big label. I don’t think they want to do anything significant. They all work high-stress jobs and love to play music as a hobby.
The first song to come on is popular at the moment MGK feat, Halsey; the crowd will like this one. I sing along as I drive over the iconic Sydney Harbor Bridge rather than use the tunnel, which would have been easier because I’m heading to Western Sydney, where Group is currently held today.
I enjoy the people at the Centre and some of the shelters that cater to domestic violence victims. I love helping them with fundraisers and charity events. I’ll do some speaking events still, but otherwise, I’m leaving this behind me for now. I’m tired and can’t listen to what others have been through, let alone talk about my trauma which, according to my therapist, isn’t healthy when I haven’t processed all the trauma I experienced. Some of it helped, but now I’m burning out.
Our past fundraisers have helped fund the latest construction of a new men’s shelter. So many men, women and children suffer at the hands of vicious people.
I shudder; Dean was a ruthless man, but would things have been different if he had the help he needed as a child? I sigh; I can’t keep looking back like that. Dean made his choices. Now I’m making mine.
Forty-five minutes later, I park out the front of the women’s Centre.
I sigh again, looking at myself in the rear-view mirror and pray, “Please God, help me with these wonderful, beautiful women.”
I hope this session goes well; this group of ladies are noticeably quiet, and that’s not a bad thing. I worry for them; having been in their shoes, I know it’s easier to stay silent. It makes it real when it’s said aloud; however, that’s when the true healing begins.
I’m not a professional by any means, but as the CEO told me, I have the life experience and sometimes what you need is someone who has been there and is coming through the other side. I know that I will always be a work in progress, and that’s why these women are my final group.
Even though I’ve told my story a million times, it’s still challenging to relive any detail. Sometimes I can compartmentalize and speak as though it didn’t happen to me, but occasionally, I do get triggered, which is another reason I’m not going to do this anymore. I need to process my trauma and move forward. It’s time. And lord knows time doesn’t stand still and wait for you to catch up. It keeps moving no matter what we do; with that sad thought, I hop out of my car and lock it, heading into the centre.
I have four ladies in my final session. Rebecca, who typically runs this group, filled me in about these ladies have not quite come out of their shell individually or with each other. So today, I will tell them a little of my story in the hopes that it will be small comfort to them and help them open up or, at the very least, not feel so alone even if they’re in a group with similar issues. “Good Morning ladies, my name is Lilly, and I have survived domestic violence.” We go around the group with introductions and some small talk. I can see how anxious everyone is. “Rebecca asked me to be here today, to tell you a little bit of what I’ve been through since I left my abuser.” “Bec said it’s your last day”, Kelly states “It is.” “Can I ask why?” Annie asks in a small voice “I feel like it’s time.” Kelly gives me a quizzical look, “I’m not a trained professional. I do these sessions because I know it helped me in the beginni
This sunset is what I love about my apartment. This evening's sunset is stunning; the reds, pinks and purples and the golden sunset on the ocean. Dax is lying comfortably on my lounge, watching some TV show on the Comedy Channel, completely missing the setting sun happening directly behind him. He’s in the perfect spot to watch it, but instead, his eyes are thoroughly glued to the TV screen. I would roll my eyes, but I can’t help but smile; even though I’ve been on my own for more than a year, I’m never truly alone, not with Benny and not with Dax always around. When I first moved in, I was so scared. Thankfully I have Benny, my godsend, in more ways than one. No man would attack me in my apartment without Benny getting a bite in first. Benny trots happily towards me, his long tail doing a slow swish, swish behind him. He sits down and waits for my command to greet me. God, he’s a good boy. I give him a scratch around his ears. Dax is still staring mind
“Come on, sweet stuff, time to strut” Dax pulls me from the booth “Don’t you mean strum?” I ask laughing He stops and looks at me with a smirk on his face, “You don’t strum little bird, I do.” He continues to drag me up to the stage. “No need to drag me.” He lets me go, and I fix my clothes while grumbling about his and his brother's nick name. At first, it was cute, but then it stuck, and after a while, a grown arse woman doesn’t want to be called ‘Little Bird’. The crowd claps and whoops as Dax gets situated with his guitar, and I approach one of the lead mics. I take a look around, getting a feel for the room. We have a good mix of men and women tonight, which is nice. Lately, Modus Grace has been a bit of a ladies band, so the mixture tonight is good for me. Ladies can be pretty possessive while drunk, even though they have no clue whether Dax is single or not. It’s remarkable what some people do. A couple of men wink at me, and lo
I smile at the faceless man with beautiful hazel eyes, and he gazes at me with such sweet sincerity, “Thank you.” I tell him.“For what?” he asks. “I don’t know”, I smile, but his eyes suddenly darken, and his face morphs into somebody I’m highly familiar with, Dean.“That’s right Bitch”, Dean mocks as I start to whimper and sob. “I want to hear you scream for me,” He murmurs low in my ear. “I won’t stop until you SCREAM!” He shouts; I blink as his saliva hits my face. He keeps moving, thrusting in and out, in and out. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of screaming, but the pain is beyond what I can bear. I start to tremble; tears roll nonstop down my face. He’s staring into my eyes; I can see how much he’s enjoying my pain and tears. He is so stupidly gratified I start to gag.
It’s been an unexpected and yet wonderful morning; Lucas is interesting. His family are just about into everything you can think of, which keeps him busy. He loves art and loves to create. And whenever he speaks of his brothers, it’s apparent that he misses them a lot. And with all of that, I can say that Luke seems lonely, which is truly sad. Lucas and I have discovered that we have a few things in common. He lives in an apartment near me, but he also has the family house along the edge of a private bay with a dock. He says it’s a large house, but I’m sure it’s some outrageous mansion. They’re all outrageous down there.I’ve caught myself swooning a couple of times like now he is such a gentleman, dutifully walking Benny and me home.I glance up and notice the same man from the cafe earlier. Luke sees my puzzled expression and asks what’s wrong. “I think someone is following us.”Luke qui
I pull into Mum’s driveway; it’s a long wide road lined with pink flowering dogwood trees. It’s beautiful this time of year. Abbey and Quinn did an excellent job on the landscaping. The driveway opens up into a circle; in the middle of the ring is a small garden and bench seating under the shade of a large oak tree. And here she is, Mum’s dream home. It’s enormous, but Abby and I both wanted her to have what she had always imagined. Mum has always been big on dreams. She never settled for tiny. They had to be grand, outlandish even; otherwise, what good was it to have an imagination if you didn’t use it. We would talk about our dreams on the nights she was able to tuck us into bed. When we were children, I wanted to have the biggest ice cream in the world. My sister wasn’t much better; she wanted an everlasting chocolate bar. Of course, our dreams changed and developed into something more tangible as we grew. That’s the best part of dreams. How
Dax is with Modus Grace today; it’s a perfect opportunity to talk to him about his offer to be in the band. I love singing with them but only on a part-time basis. I want to focus on The Bar and flipping houses with my sister. But first, I have one last thing to do for the centre before I completely let go. My phone blasts through my car speakers, “Hello?” “Hey, it’s me, Mel. I wanted to apologise about the family dinner. We didn’t really get a chance to catch up.” “It’s okay.” I laugh at the sincerity in her voice, “Seriously, don’t worry about it. We see each other all the time.” She doesn’t say anything for a minute, “Are you okay?” “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Mark’s just messaging me.” “You're still talking?” I ask, surprised; it seemed like she was ready to throw in the towel the other night. “Yeah. I decided to give Mark a chance. I mean, why not? You know?” Mel sounds so happy; who am I to rain on her parade. “Well, that’s gr
It’s Wednesday. I was supposed to go to The Bar on Monday, but I chickened out. I’ve stayed in my little bubble, not talking to anyone. I even told Sally to take Monday and Tuesday off from walking Benny. I guess I needed time to sort through therapy. At least the tools are working with my nightmares. That’s progress.I’ve gone over the list Eva gave me, and I think I’m keen on Cognitive therapy. Still, I also like integrative therapy as well, where they integrate different elements of different treatments and blend them to suit the patient's needs. That has to be better than just working on mindfulness. Hmm, mindful…. when I haven’t been reading up about the therapies, I’ve been thinking of Lucas Craven. I left a message with his office to call me; unfortunately, it looks like he decided not to pursue me any further. I can’t blame him. I was a bit erratic.Now I need to stop hiding and get my arse to The Bar. I ch
I watch the woman my brothers tell me I loved. The One. That’s what my journal tells me. Lillian Blackwood is my one. The problem is I can’t remember her. Not a single thing. All the descriptions I wrote about her don’t do her justice. Even while I watch her breakdown. While I watch my brother comforts her, over a dog named Benny. She’s still incredibly beautiful. “Are you willing to let that go?” Dylan asks as he watches the commotion in front of us. “I can’t let go of something I didn’t know I had.” I shrug and walk outside. The house is beautiful. I’m told it’s her mother’s or was. “You need to think about this.” Dylan pulls the ring from his pocket. “You commissioned this piece, Lucas. That’s how serious you are,” he shakes his head, “Were about Lily. She’s a wonderful woman, and she is going through a lot right now. Decide.” He storms off back inside. I take in the view of this beautiful piece of land. It’s just as I described in my journal. Decisions…. Stay or leave?
After returning from another MRI scan and more blood tests. I visit Luke. JJ is sitting in the corner talking on the phone. I wave to him and sit by Luke’s bed, squeezing his hand gently. “I was just on the phone with Dylan. He and Declan are on their way here. They’re currently in Singapore for the layover.” He tells me. “Okay.” it’s not the best setting to meet Luke’s family, but I do hope that he wakes before they get here. They should come home to some good news. I smile at JJ. “Any news?” “Yes, they’re taking him out of his coma tomorrow.” He grins. “That’s wonderful news.” I gaze down at Luke. I can’t wait for him to wake up. “Yes, it is. I’m very sorry about your Mum. Esther, she was a real sweetheart.” I frown, “You know Lily, it isn’t your fault. Dean and Mel are their own people. They did this.” “Thanks, JJ, I know, it’s not my fault,” I sigh. “Well, the rational part of my brain knows it, but I still can’t help feeling guilty. It’ll take a while; I guess.” I shrug
“Hi, baby.” Luke smiles sweetly, stroking my face, his other hand playing with my hair.“Hi, I think I had another bad dream, and you were in it this time. Dean shot you.” I tell him, staring into those beautiful hazel eyes. He frowns.“It was a dream, wasn’t it?” I ask, as his frown deepens.“No baby, not a dream.” He smiles lovingly. “Will you sing me that lullaby song?”“Always.” I sing the song as he holds me tightly and says, “I love you, baby.”I blink up at an unfamiliar ceiling. Jesus, I must have been on a hell of a boozy night out. I look around the room. It’s all off-white, except for the curtains, they’re grey. Definitely not at home. Did Luke take me to his place? He needs a new decorator. Who has a mini-fridge in a bedroom?“Luke?” I whisper, my voice dry and horse. I try to turn but the pain is excruciating, my back, and chest ache like nothing I’ve ever felt before. My head, I touch my head, fuck, it hurts. Someone yells.“Lily!” it’s Abby. Good god, did she need to sc
I swallow hard. My throat feels both dry and full of saliva at the same time. What the fuck happened?Slowly, I open my eyes. I try to bring my hands up to rub my eyes, but my hands won’t budge. I blink slowly and look around. It’s dark, but there is some sort of light coming in, God knows where. How did I get here?I try to move my hands, but they’re pinned to my side. I look down, but I still can’t see shit. I think I’m sitting.Fuck my head! I shake my head, but it only makes the throbbing worse.Something scatters across the room, making me jump. I whip my head in the general direction, but I can’t see shit. The adrenalin spikes which help’s clear the drug haze a little.That’s when it clicks. Fucking Dean. And Mel?!Motherfucker jabbed my neck with a motherfucking needle. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I try to say the words out loud, but of course, the arsehole has taped my damn mouth. I creak my neck, something’s covering my eyes. No wonder I can’t see. The bastard blindfolded me.I try to
Luke is stroking my hair. I smile sleepily. “You look so beautiful and peaceful when you sleep,” he smiles.“I do?” I can’t remember the last time I felt any kind of peace whilst sleeping unless Luke’s here.“Yes, you do.” He kisses me.“I think you should stay here more often.” I grin seductively.He laughs. “I bet you do; Are you asking me to move in with you?”“I think I am. You stay often enough. But I can’t imagine you would like to stay in a place so small.”“I like your place. It’s much cozier than mine. Hmm, I should take you to my place.” He gets up out of bed. “Would you like me to make you something or get you a drink?”“Yes, please. A juice, surprise me.” I get up and put on my robe. “I need to make a few calls and I’ll be right out.”I call Mum, no answer, I leave her a voicemail, letting her know we’re still safe and making sure she’s okay.I call Mel, but again no answer, I don’t bother with a voicemail. I’ve left enough.I call Stacie, knowing she’s in school and may n
Another terrifying scream breaks the silence. What–the–fuck!We jump out of bed, scrambling to put on clothes as we race downstairs. I hear movement coming from the kitchen and bolt. Luke close behind me.Mum is holding onto the bench in the kitchen, clutching her chest.“Mum?” I yell.“S-someone’s out-outside!” she says breathlessly.Luke and JJ race to the back door. Shit! Dean! Daniel’s immediately calling the police.“Come sit down. Are you alright, mum?” I move her to the dining room table and sit her down gently on one of the dining chairs.“I’m alright, Darling. I wasn’t expecting to see someone outside, that’s all.” She coughs while trying to catch her breath.“Who screamed?” Stacie asks wide-eyed.“Mum, she saw someone through the kitchen window. Luke and JJ are outside. Can you look after Mum?”I don’t wait for an answer. I race upstairs, throw on a pair of sneakers and grab Benny. Like most teenagers, Lucy has slept through the whole commotion.“Come on Benny, let’s find th
I wake feeling blissfully happy, wrapped in Luke’s strong, comforting arms. He tightens his arms around me as I cuddle deeper. I look up at his smiling, sleepy face.“Good morning, beautiful.” He says as he kisses the top of my head.“Good morning.” I don’t think this smile will ever leave my face; my cheeks are hurting.“That was quite an evening. How are you?” I ask warily.“I’m fine. I was actually wondering how you are?” His eyes glow affectionately.“I’m good. I’m sorry about last night.” He presses his finger against my lips to quieten me.“Don’t be.”“Reset?” I ask.“We already did last night.” He winks at me.“Aren’t we cheeky this morning?”“We are.” He winks and leans down to kiss me. “I love you so much, Lillian Blackwood.”“I love you too,” I tell him after our kiss ends. I hold on to him tighter, never wanting to let go, or move, for that matter. But then Benny barks.“That’s ‘I’m hungry’ in dog language.” I glance at the clock. 7:30 am. Yep, breakfast time.I quickly get
It’s been a couple of days since my panic attack. Lucas has respected my wishes and hasn’t contacted me at all. Which stupidly doesn’t make me feel any better.Why hasn’t he called to make sure I’m alright? I thought he loved me!I roll my eyes. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I’m sure I would have told him off if he called me yesterday. But today, I guess I expected at least a ‘Good Morning’ text or something.I sigh. I should really get up and out of bed today.Yesterday I spent all day in my PJ’s wallowing. I need to get out and get some fresh air.I decide to take Benny on our usual walk when I have a free day. We haven’t done this in a while. We go to our café; Benny has his Pupa-chino, a small cup full of cream, and a mini vanilla cupcake. Then we do Benny’s favourite part of our little day out, playing with his mates.Benny had a blast playing with his doggy friends in the off leash fenced off dog park. Once he’s had his fill, we sit under our favourite oak tree. Benny l
I smile at my reflection. Yes, you are a lucky bitch. I finish the last touches of my makeup and check my outfit to make sure it’s all in the right place. I’m wearing a white sleeveless fitted scoop neck top with a mini black leather corset, tight black jeans, a black leather jacket and black heels. “Oh!” I pick up my new platinum gold necklace with a key and heart charms on it. Luke said he commissioned the necklace from his brothers a week ago and here it is all the way from Dubai.“Yeah, you are one lucky bitch.” I murmur to myself as I knock on the door to my study again. This time I don’t hesitate. I walk right on in. Luke looks me up and down and whistles.“Wow, you look hot. Maybe I should put this aside for later.” He smiles playfully, “I can’t let you go out looking like that!”“What are you going to do? Tie me up?” I tease.“Maybe I will” He stalks towards me, his eyes glowing darkly. The look makes me shiver in an oh so good way. He wraps me in his arms and kisses me zealou