Our tongues intertwine as I almost can’t breathe, as though Clive is determined to take all my breath away. I didn’t even know where we changed locations or if I walked by myself or if he carried me as my back was suddenly pressed against the hard surface of the table. A moan couldn’t help but escape from my lips when Clive suddenly bit my lips, letting me open my mouth for his invasive tongue to completely take over and explore the insides of my mouth as though he couldn’t wait to mark his territory. With my lightheaded mind that suddenly becomes filled with pleasure and the tingling that wells up in my gut, I hold Clive’s arms with my left hand, and my other hand encircles his neck. He is now standing in between my legs, his right hand holding my legs to steady them around his waist, while his left hand is holding my chin and tracing my jaw, deepening the kiss even further. I can't even seriously respond to the kiss, aside from the tingling and weird feeling that it brought. Ther
I always ask myself, Is it real that I’m finding myself, or am I gradually losing myself? What is the real answer to this question? That is yet to be determined, or perhaps I already know it deep inside my heart. Lowering my head and suddenly falling silent, I only saw Clive’s feet on the ground after a few seconds; he is already in front of me. Slowly, I lifted my head, and our eyes met. Those eyes are still the same as the moment I saw them for the first time in that bar. They were particularly mysterious and oppressive, and yet as I stare at them, those green eyes seem to have a lot to say but can’t for some reason."What do you think of my skills?" He started grinning, showing his white teeth. "Impressive?" His brows playfully move. My throat moved after swallowing all the questions that were about to come out of my lips. Calling them questions is not appropriate either. In fact, they are all doubts... to which I am afraid to know the answer. "You are," I replied, not breaking
As I calmed down, it gradually became clear in my mind that the memories of when I suddenly lost myself had flooded in. The fear that is sprouting in my mind completely resides within me. It’s like, I already know that something is wrong, but for some inexplicable reason, I don’t want to admit it either. The conflicting reasons are making it even harder for me to assess the situation. "Clive," I call his name, as his hand slides down from my eyes, and yet my eyes remain closed. "What is it?" he asked in a soothing voice, as though afraid to agitate my emotions again. A bitter smile emerges from my lips, and I’m aware that what I did earlier is truly not normal. Until now, I can still feel the way I want to kill everyone in my sight, as I kept on asking them, How did they know me when I don’t even know myself?This is fucked up, but I don’t have an answer within me either. "Will I get crazy again?" My low tone reveals my confusion as well as the anxiety that overwhelms me as I spe
It started that day. I feel guilty, but the interval between when I go insane is getting longer and longer. And using the counteractive drug won’t help me much anymore, or it will make my condition much worse. "Clive," I mumbled amidst the dim light of my room. I’m lying in bed while he sits in bed beside me. I can’t see most of his expressions, but his side profile is deeply reflected in my pupils. He lowered his gaze and hummed in his baritone voice. "What is it?" he asked carefully.For some reason, it makes me think that I’m fragile and that any wrong word or move can trigger that madness within me. I hate this, but it's only in this rare moment when I’m sober that I can have a conversation with him. "Something is wrong with me," I say with much certainty. I’m not dumb. I know that there is something horribly wrong with me. I want to accuse anyone, but it makes me wonder why. Why is this happening? Am I truly insane? or some kind of substance within me? I don’t know. Clive t
Loud sounds of continuous gunshots echoed as well as curses, they came from all over the place. However as I tried to listen clearly, I found that I can’t. I’m there and yet I’m also not.I raise my aching head, and narrowed my eyes, only to not have an effect on the surroundings as it’s still not clear in my eyes. What is happening?In my hazy vision as if sands obscured my sights, another gunshot resounded and is followed by a loud thud of the body falling in front of me, even some of the blood splattered on my face. Strangely enough, I’m not terrified and my heart beats as calmly as always.My gaze landed on the body, sprawled in my front, blood painting the whole image. Then I raised my head and looked around, unbeknownst to me, blood and dead bodies are scattered around me. The horrible scene can even make one faint and yet for me, they all seem… normal. Why is it? How can I not feel frightened by all of it?In my reverie, a dangerous shout woke me up. My gaze immediately look in
"Zach, you're finally here. Addy woke up, and I'm sure you're the one she wants to see the most, right, honey?" my mother said as all eyes turned to me. I raised my gaze and instantly locked in with his. He's staring at me with anything but love in his eyes.I want to jump into his arms, bury my head in his chest, and comfort myself like I used to, but seeing him like this makes me unable to do so.Zach, you are so cruel. Are you even slightly concerned about me? Why… when did your love fade? What did I do for you to change your heart? The only thing I do is love you; you are the only person I love.Now I want to yell at him, complain, and tell him how miserable I am. If he still has feelings for me, maybe this will torment him like he's doing to me. I really want to do it.However, I didn’t. Instead, some words escaped my lips.“Who are you? Who is he?” I uttered those words with the most innocent and clueless tone I could muster.Finally, an expression flashed through his blue eyes.
"No! We don't!" I exclaimed, almost instinctively and faster than my brain. He looks at me with serious eyes, not even flinching, as if he anticipates my reaction.My pupils shook, and I shook my head while clasping my trembling hands. No, Addalyn, stay calm. You must calm down, or else everything will come to an end. I swallowed with difficulty, and my breathing became more labored as the corners of my lips twitched in an attempt to keep myself under control.Despite this, the corners of my eyes are heating up and soon moisture glistens on them, so I take a deep breath and reach out for his arm, grabbing it.He cast a brief glance at them before returning his gaze to me. I'm sure he can tell my hands are trembling, but I'm not going to give in."Can... can you please wait until I remember my memory?" I beg, my tone almost frantic, and if anything, I'm nearing my breaking point."Memory? Wait for you? When will you remember?" he sarcastically asks. He is so blunt and unconcerned about
We didn't talk after that because Zach went to his study after he showered, and I immediately fell asleep due to my medications.As usual the next day, he’s already gone. I’m not too upset this time, perhaps I took what he said yesterday as him telling me about his affairs, which are small but already relevant to me.Still, part of me wants to know what makes Zach so busy to the point that he seems to have an accident. Is there some problem in his company?I worry all day until his secretary comes in while I'm arranging books in Zach's study. She slightly bow at me before she proceeds and did what she’s come for.I knew who she is, at some point she is also one of the lists I suspected as Zach’s mistress because of his sudden coldness and distance. She has a temperament and a figure that make one’s desire to heat up, which was one of the most important reasons I suspected her.But since I have amnesia, I can’t act as if I know her and that I don’t like her very much. I also ignore her
It started that day. I feel guilty, but the interval between when I go insane is getting longer and longer. And using the counteractive drug won’t help me much anymore, or it will make my condition much worse. "Clive," I mumbled amidst the dim light of my room. I’m lying in bed while he sits in bed beside me. I can’t see most of his expressions, but his side profile is deeply reflected in my pupils. He lowered his gaze and hummed in his baritone voice. "What is it?" he asked carefully.For some reason, it makes me think that I’m fragile and that any wrong word or move can trigger that madness within me. I hate this, but it's only in this rare moment when I’m sober that I can have a conversation with him. "Something is wrong with me," I say with much certainty. I’m not dumb. I know that there is something horribly wrong with me. I want to accuse anyone, but it makes me wonder why. Why is this happening? Am I truly insane? or some kind of substance within me? I don’t know. Clive t
As I calmed down, it gradually became clear in my mind that the memories of when I suddenly lost myself had flooded in. The fear that is sprouting in my mind completely resides within me. It’s like, I already know that something is wrong, but for some inexplicable reason, I don’t want to admit it either. The conflicting reasons are making it even harder for me to assess the situation. "Clive," I call his name, as his hand slides down from my eyes, and yet my eyes remain closed. "What is it?" he asked in a soothing voice, as though afraid to agitate my emotions again. A bitter smile emerges from my lips, and I’m aware that what I did earlier is truly not normal. Until now, I can still feel the way I want to kill everyone in my sight, as I kept on asking them, How did they know me when I don’t even know myself?This is fucked up, but I don’t have an answer within me either. "Will I get crazy again?" My low tone reveals my confusion as well as the anxiety that overwhelms me as I spe
I always ask myself, Is it real that I’m finding myself, or am I gradually losing myself? What is the real answer to this question? That is yet to be determined, or perhaps I already know it deep inside my heart. Lowering my head and suddenly falling silent, I only saw Clive’s feet on the ground after a few seconds; he is already in front of me. Slowly, I lifted my head, and our eyes met. Those eyes are still the same as the moment I saw them for the first time in that bar. They were particularly mysterious and oppressive, and yet as I stare at them, those green eyes seem to have a lot to say but can’t for some reason."What do you think of my skills?" He started grinning, showing his white teeth. "Impressive?" His brows playfully move. My throat moved after swallowing all the questions that were about to come out of my lips. Calling them questions is not appropriate either. In fact, they are all doubts... to which I am afraid to know the answer. "You are," I replied, not breaking
Our tongues intertwine as I almost can’t breathe, as though Clive is determined to take all my breath away. I didn’t even know where we changed locations or if I walked by myself or if he carried me as my back was suddenly pressed against the hard surface of the table. A moan couldn’t help but escape from my lips when Clive suddenly bit my lips, letting me open my mouth for his invasive tongue to completely take over and explore the insides of my mouth as though he couldn’t wait to mark his territory. With my lightheaded mind that suddenly becomes filled with pleasure and the tingling that wells up in my gut, I hold Clive’s arms with my left hand, and my other hand encircles his neck. He is now standing in between my legs, his right hand holding my legs to steady them around his waist, while his left hand is holding my chin and tracing my jaw, deepening the kiss even further. I can't even seriously respond to the kiss, aside from the tingling and weird feeling that it brought. Ther
I don't know where it started but I am now looking at Clive in a different light. Is it bad to feel secure in the words of your abductor? Perhaps it really is. Have I gone totally insane, or is the influence of my past self slowly coming back to me? Is this what Stockholm syndrome feels like? However, even though I know that this is bad, I can’t seem to stop either. Without responding to him, I nodded my head and turned my head to gaze at the dark shooting target. Holding the gun in my hand, which seemed to become particularly heavy, I positioned my body, not minding if it was right. Finally, my finger clicked the trigger at the same time that my pupils seemed to narrow as all the instincts that this body had surfaced. My blood boiled as though celebrating after all the pent-up years, so I shot another and didn’t stop. Amidst the sounds of the gun, there is a ringing in my ears as I can hear the circulation of my blood as I keep shooting with my heart accelerating, yet my expressio
I roam my eyes around after entering the underground training room, it’s still the same as when I first came here. The only thing that is different is my current mood, which was way too tense last time and has now begun to relax. And my relationship with Clive was far too tense before—although it’s still now, it has made such considerable progress that I can look around this room without worrying. I have the time to look at the variety of guns and weapons inside. I don’t know their names and have never seen them before, but for some reason, they actually feel so familiar to me. This doesn’t stump me anymore; after the last time, I no longer try to deny my connection with the underground world. It is a step for me to accept my real self, even though I don’t know if it’s a good thing. I can’t deny myself. I reach out and take one gun off the shelf and touch it curiously. It is different from the rifle I used last time. As I look at it, it feels as though I have an insight, which ra
I fall silent, and my mind repeats my words in my mind. What the heck, what did I say? Seriously, I just blurted that out from nowhere and even so naturally.Clive is also looking at me, although I can’t actually read his thoughts at all. Is he going to tease me for it? However, the man is still staring at me like his soul has left him, and I am so shocked by what I said.I gave a dry cough to try to get rid of the awkward feeling in the room caused by my loud mouth. Then I pretended to laugh as well."I mean, I’m just joking." I start with my reasoning, which is clearly that I’m not good at this and I don’t even know what I’m saying. But since I already started, I have to continue, right? In the first place, I’m the one who created this atmosphere."Are you the only one who could joke? Whatever, I’m going to sleep." And then I averted my gaze, turning my back to him, before shamelessly trying so hard to integrate myself into the mattress as if that would make me invincible.Shutting
"Clive, who really are you?" Amidst the silence, I inquired as if it were random.I think it’s also random; it just came out of my mouth. However, I think it’s because I’m so curious and want to know him more. I feel like once i fully know him, the light of my past will expose itself to me.It sounds so ridiculous, but that’s really how I think at that moment."It depends. Who do you want me to be?" As his voice rang, I shifted my gaze to him. Like me, he is also looking at the green scenery in front of them.And when I glance at him, he turns and faces me as well. He still had his casual expression, however, and I can sense that there is something within.My brows furrow as I hear this question again. It comes from a different question, but it also means the same thing."Why can’t you just directly answer me? Is it hard?" I argued, although my voice was still low, and I emphasized my words to let him know I really didn’t like how he answered sometimes.Clive answers me and reveals th
My mouth slightly opens, and I'm about to ask him what the appropriate word is for him to respond, but it feels as if something lump in my throat is preventing me from saying anything.What is it that is stopping me from asking Clive? I shake my head, and a wry smile appears on my lips. Do I really not know the answer? Of course, I have an idea, but I don’t want to think about it yet.I don’t want to ruin this deceivingly harmonious atmosphere around us, and if I can, I want to hold on to it for as long as I can.The silence shrouded us once more. It isn’t uncomfortable, but it gives the illusion that everything is fine. Why does it need to be fake if it feels so stable and secure?“Are you sleepy?” I ask after another moment of silence, my fingers playing with the covers. Actually, I’m so drowsy that I want to lie down and sleep again.Yet, I also don’t want to waste time sleeping again, even though I know it’s a side effect of the medicine. I still force myself to stay awake and tal