"Why did I even let a child like you come to this world?!"
Those words were enough to leave a damage in my chest. It made my heart sink to the bottomless pit. However, I chose to smile and greet her like any normal daughter who had just got home from school.
What can I do? I am used to this treatment from her. Getting treated like trash is not new to me.
"Good day, Mom. I hope you're doing well."
I could sense she was watching my every move and then started to bombast how her day went. Her voice faded when I saw the corners of the house.
Disastrous. That's the only word that came to my mind. It reeks of alcohol, sweat, and a mountain of her dumps is centralized throughout the house. I stop, thinking that cleaning this whole place drains me. I shrugged off the tremendous feeling weighing on my heart and then commenced cleaning the house.
She carried me for nine months. I was born into this world because of her. I have to serve her because, honestly? Even if I dare to run away, I don't know where to go. I have no one beside me other than my mom. Even if she abuses me, I have to accept it.
After cleaning the whole house, a pair of uncleaned clothe was thrown on my face. I looked at Louisa, my Mom, yelling again about doing the laundry, cleaning the dishes, and serving her food. It's been like this ever since I could remember. She's not treating me like her own daughter. She treats me like crap.
A garbage she can use. And it didn’t even stop there. She pulled my hair, slap me, and even curse at me that I should just die. It broke my heart into millions of pieces and the only thing I can do is to accept her abuses.
When night came, I stared into nowhere while lying on the floor. I don't have a bed or sheets to keep me warm and cozy. It was cold and lonely. I only have this packed room that is only exclusive for mice to live.
This is the life I grew up with.
"You couldn't even tidy this place up! All you do is mess around and be pathetic. I wish you weren't even born. Why did I even agree to bring you here?"
It was another day and she was drunk, I could tell it.
I continued to speckless the floor again, looked down, and saw my reflection. She was tired, pathetic, and drained. Her eyes were lifeless. And that person was me.
I can't leave my mother behind, even after all she has done for me.
My father raped my mother and I was the seed that bloomed after the incident. That’s why I couldn’t blame her if she loathes me so much. Part of me feels like I have to return everything to her.
“Take out this filth!”
She threw a garbage bag that’s full of dump. She didn’t even put an effort to tied up the the bag. It ended up causing a mountain of sh*t all over me. I look down on my hands that’s shaking incredulously.
I silently picked up and cleaned the house again. I am at the edge, almost losing of hope. I didn’t realized that I was kneeling on the ground, silently sobbing my heart out when I suddenly remember something. It almost slipped out of my mind.
I took out the garbage while looking to my left and right. When the coast is clear, I immediately run towards the mailbox even if I was limping. I opened it then took out the letter from the man I have been exchanging with for the past week.
“Hey, Lovely.
How are you? I haven’t heard anything from you since three days. You know how much I hate waiting, right? If you’re keeping it to yourself again, please, how many times do I have to tell you that you can trust me. I am not judging your whole existence. I understand that you are going through something but don’t think I wouldn’t care, okay? I am worried, Lovely. Tell me the next time you’ll send a letter.
Sincerely,
A~”
I hugged the letter while a tear poured down on my cheek. God, why did I almost forgot about him?
Everything feels so heavy and empty from the past few weeks because my mother’s abused got worst. And because I couldn't take it anymore, I thought of making a letter and I randomly picked a place where someone could read my letter. At first I was very scared. However, I couldn’t believe someone would read my grievances and since then we have been exchanging letters with each other. Though, he doesn’t know my real name yet but we will get there.
I took a deep breath and hurried back inside the house. Before I could enter my room, all I heard was a grunt when I entered the house. It's always been like this, so I'm used to my mom screwing with a lot of men.
I closed the door slowly so I wouldn't be heard. I quickly took a paper and a pen. I started writing all my thoughts on the paper.
“Dear Adam,
I’m so sorry for not sending you back a letter. I was carried away with my emotions that I need to isolate myself from the reality. My mother’s abused got worst here. She even tried to kill me multiple times and I don’t think I couldn’t handle it anymore.
Please, I want to run away with you. I am turning eighteen this week and once my birthday will pass, please let’s meet up. I want to be with you because I feel like you’re safe to be with. I can’t take this anymore, I might kill myself soon if this nightmare won’t end.”
“LANI!” I jumped in surprise when my mother called me again. This time, her voice thundered all over the corner. I gulped, then hurriedly made my way toward the lounge, only to find out how messy the whole place was.It’s on weekends. I don’t have school to attend or a job. I merely work on Monday and Wednesday. Sometimes Tuesday, when I don’t have much on my plate. “I notice you’re hiding something from me.” My whole world went ballistic, and my breathing became shallow. “W-what do you mean?” I tried to smile my way through but it was useless.“A mailman always wanders outside the streets. It’s not like you often see one unless there’s a letter to be delivered.” I bit my tongue and shrugged my shoulders casually. If I say anything, I know she would just cause havoc. I turned around, deciding to ignore her. I was about to walk away when I felt something solidly hit the back of my head—a loud shattering of glass rings in my ear simultaneously. Drip. Drip. Drip. Something was le
I almost dropped the letter when I almost lose my balance. The rain was hollering that it’s deafening my ears. My wounds are still swelling but I couldn’t care about it. I gripped the letter in my hand tightly while running through the heavy rain.“P-please…be there…” I mumbled, hoping that he’s still in our meeting place waiting for me.My tears didn’t stop from streaming down. My emotions are going along with the weather today. Good thing that no one is around or no cars are passing by to see how miserable I look today. I have no umbrella with me.My mother thought I don’t have the strength anymore to move. Unfortunately for her I found my reason to live my life.I just hope she wouldn’t notice that I was missing in the yard. I just hope she’s thinking that I am just inside my room, minding my own business.I wiped off my face so I could see clearly since my tears are burying my vision. I continued and advanced without giving up. After hours of running I finally managed to reached m
“Babe, who is she?”The woman glanced at us back and forth. She looks at me disgustingly when she get to realized I was covered with bruises, wounds, and scars.“I-I don’t know her, babe. She’s asking for my help and-”“Don’t talk to her! She’s filthy!”I slowly stood up from the ground, backing away. All my life I have been familiar with pain and aches but this time as if something had stabbed me right in the heart because I couldn’t breath properly.“Babe! Don’t say something like that!”While the two are busy arguing, I left the place in an instant.“Miss! Wait!”It was still raining when I reached the highway. I glanced from my shoulder and saw Adam was following me. There was a hint of concern in his eyes. He was raising his hand, trying to reach out for me but I vanished from his vision when a car drove passed between us.I run away while tears are streaming down my cheeks. I was a fool! My heart is still heavy and loaded with void I have to shake it away to focus myself on the
I slowly back away while shaking my head in fear.This can’t be. H-how is this possible? Am I talking with the wrong person this whole time? Just when I thought my life would be completely okay because of him sudden turns of events surprised me.I have a lot of question in my mind. How did this letter got here? It’s obvious that this is his hand writing. Could it be that my mother brought this letter here in my room? I shake my head. But that’s impossible since my good for nothing mother teared the letter right in front of me.So, it’s hopeless for her to let me see this. Unless…My eyes widened and I suddenly drop the letter on the ground. I scoop away from it while thinking of horrible things that could happen.He escaped from prison…and he’s on his way here. If this letter came here inside my room. Does that mean-Suddenly, the door burst open in my room causing me to jump in surprise. I glanced at the door, thinking it was Adam. My heart beat quickened at the thought as I was curi
It was cold, unbearable even. The darkness that surrounded me seemed to solidify the cold, and I couldn't feel my feet anymore.For what felt like hours, I had been confined in this solitary room with no way out. Panic set in as I tried to find a way out of this eternal gloom. But try as hard as I could, there didn’t seem any hope at all. My heart sank in despair and desperation kept building up inside me.I've had enough, a part of me is screaming to give in and accept whatever comes next. But still, something inside me remains determined to soldier on. Every time I consider surrendering, these incredible events continue to occur. It's almost as if the universe is conspiring against my hopelessness and despair; trying it's best to remind me that there's still beauty and joy amidst all the darkness that life throws my way. I want to close my eyes and step away from all this pain but no matter how hard I tried to run away.I had always been hesitant to take any action from this point,
He stepped back so that he could survey me properly once the ropes were removed.The knots came undone, and the rope slid off of my body and pooled on the ground at my feet. In that instant, I felt both a sense of relief at being released from my bonds and a sense of unease as I heard him take a long breath in while contemplating me.Despite the encouragement of my eyes to look up and meet his, they remain planted firmly on the ground staring directly at my palms. His request is spinning around in my head, yet I still can’t bring myself to do it.“Undress yourself.”I suppressed the lump forming in my throat. He did rescue me from danger…but at what cost?I know deep down I could do it. There's no point in trying to resist after all. My life is already a mess, nothing but a useless piece of rubbish. Yet, there is one thing that stops me from speaking up for myself and that is fear and rejection. Fear of getting pushed away again because I wasn’t enough, fear of being shouted down once
I slowly lifted my lids, feeling a warmth on my skin. I opened my eyes to find the source of the light and immediately shut them again when the glare hit me in my face. It was blinding, yet somehow it gave me a sense of security.A few moments later, when my eyes had adjusted to the brightness, I peered around cautiously. It was coming from outside; sunrays dancing along bright blue skies and illuminating every corner of the room with its warmth.I blink rapidly, my mind racing with questions as to what is going on and why I'm here.My gaze shifts around the room, taking in its unfamiliarity. It's well kept, expansive and everything appears to be in its rightful place. Is this heaven? Did I die somehow? Even after searching through my memories of life before this moment, there's no recollection of ever having a living space that looks as comfortable and luxurious as this one does now.I remember what it was like living in that dilapidated room, not even having the luxury of a bed. Des
I wrapped my arms around myself when the icy water struck my body, shivering as droplets of moisture made their way down my exposed skin.I closed my eyes and tilted my head up towards the shower head, letting the cascading stream cleanse away all of my aches and pains. I savored this moment of solitude as if it was a precious and fragile thing, savoring the simple pleasure of being able to enjoy myself in peace. I remained like this for what felt like hours until I finally had enough.I turned off the shower and stayed there for a few moments, hesitating to open my eyes. When I eventually did, the first thing that confronted me was my reflection in the glass door of the shower. My gaze followed along every curve of my body, lingering for just a moment on certain spots. It was strange to look at myself like this; even after years of living with myself, seeing this reflection felt like gazing upon something new. The details were all familiar, but I couldn't help but to curse at myself.