3

Capri

I think I love his daughter more than I love him. There is something about the way my motherly instincts kicks in behind around her. Watching her push her gold locks out of her face, and the twinkle in her eyes as she innocently smiles. Belle was the daughter I yearned for. I’d often spend time with her without Leo’s knowledge through mutual acquaintances and Belle telling everyone I was her mother. She would visit the gas station with her mother and say “ mom that’s Capri!” With excitement. Of course her mother was taken aback considering I am a twenty year old woman that her daughter is happy to see and introduced to her. I would take her for Ice cream with her friends and go swimming at her grandmothers friend house. Belle wanted to do all the things I did including wearing boots with all her outfits and leather jacked over her school uniform. To me that was the cutest thing. This made me feel connected to Leo even though it made it that much harder to get over Leo. After some time I stopped thinking about him as much to almost not at all in that sense anyways. I started focusing on me and doing everything that I enjoyed. I started running again, going out with friend and decided I wouldn’t go back to school. I focused more at the gas station after realizing I could work my way up in the company and get a store of my own.

In no time I worked my way up to actually getting my own store and that was not easy. I was discriminated against every corner I turned. The way I looked was too distracting. Having different point of views scared everyone because they did not see past the next hour. I worked to ensure all tasks were executed above expectations and even 10% over budget was never enough.

My body was not what it was physical aches and pains and no time to rest. The downside to having your own store is that you become the bad guy for everything and the company does not back you. You become one hundred percent responsible for everything, hiring, stock, budget and increasing everything from the mess that was left from the prior administration. If there were no employees to cover a shift the manger had to stay and work even if it was twenty four hours and had to do it all over again for another twenty four. The toxic mindset of a work place is that is exactly what we signed up for. My boss did not even realize a raise was never given to me and placed in a program that did not give me the bonuses promised. The worst part, I didn’t complain because I never noticed until the realization hit that I worked more hours and Still could not pay my phone bill and utilities.

The hormonal issues were also still there. I could not go thirty minutes without having to change my clothes from a heavy flow and the feeling of clots tearing my uterus apart. I finally started going to a specialist after losing weight and almost passing out on my birthday. I was given a choice to go that night or be taken in the morning unwilling to the emergency room. That night I was hooked up to an iv without explanation due to my hemoglobin level being deathly low and now needed four pints of blood.

Three days in the hospital was torture, but after six months of not knowing what was wrong it was refreshing to finally be getting some answers. I spend the next few months going back and forth to the specialist office because the excessive bleeding didn’t stop. Later, at a last resort there was an ultrasound that showed a tumor attached to my right ovary that required an emergency surgery. the same day the scans were presented. I went home to pack my bag for the hospital and headed in for the required MRI and blood work before surgery. Things did not go as planned my right ovary had to be removed, but on the bright side I did not have cancer. I like to say I went to the hospital pregnant and left without my baby. I now have a smily face on my abdomen, a cesarean scar that runs from either side of pelvic, one in my belly button and two above that on either side. This took me out for twelve weeks and needed to be cared for. You can almost guess it, no one was there to assist with much of anything including my own mother that visited once, but blabbed to all my customers on what i was going through.

This time alone without work as a distraction was a mind F*** for me. My thoughts ran wild. I could not help but think about all the People I helped with their kids, running errands and ways being there no matter how small I showed up every time. Now it was my turn to have someone, anyone but now it seemed I was a burden to even ask if I was ok.

Time was quickly approaching to go back to work and trust they didn’t allow for me to heal. They were calling periodically to toxically ask if I was ok and when the doctor said I could go back to normal duties because they missed seeing my face around. I went back and was expected to dive right back in even with them accepting to accommodate my restrictions. I tend to always put other over myself and that’s no excuse because I needed to show up for myself and I knew I deserve to be my best self for me . Slowly that was changing after all the shit and not only needing to become strong mentally. Emotionally and physically. I was becoming someone I almost didn’t recognize, and honestly she was who I was meant to be.