A Wife's Grief

'Hhhhnnnnnnnnnn', a silent cry is being suppressed.

Her calceus clad feet is touching the damp, rain soaked grass, which had recently been flooded by the rain.

*swish* *swish*

The soft ground that was covered with grass feels so soft every time she step on it.

'Hhnnnnnnnnn', her silent cries does not betray the empty and vacant look in her face.

*swish* *swish*

She can't even form a coherent thought in her head as she silently walk towards the Mausoleum Augusti, while carrying an urn.

The moistened grass and mud sticks to her feet and to her long dark stola making the end heavy and sopping wet.

It's getting harder for her to walk.

'Hhhhnnnnnnnnnn' but she ignore it. 

The pain in her chest, the grief she's feeling is consuming her whole being.

*swish* *swish*

She stepped on a protruding rock that's hidden in the grass and soft ground, she stumbled.

But her grip on the urn did not loosened, she's ready to fall with it, but not before securing it into her bosom.

Suddenly two strong arm holds her in place from her back, forbidding her to fall on the ground.

It was Claudius, the biological cousin of her husband and another adoptive son of Emperor Augustus.

He is looking at her with understanding, his face serious.

"Agrippina..", he started to say.

But she flinched. Her name sound so foreign in his lips.

She struggled and willed herself to be free from the man's hold.

It felt like a hot iron in her cold skin, she felt burned by it.

She didn't want a touch of another man in her.

Her eyes burned with silent hatred.

Claudius studied her face once, sighed and let her go, shaking his head but did not say anything further.

*swish* *swish*

She started to walk again after gaining her footing.

'Hhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn', she cried again silently.

Her children, Antonia and Claudius silently following behind her.

And the mourners that accompanied their funeral procession earlier now hung back in the background.

Their somber faces and quiet presence adds a solemnity to the atmosphere. 

They are silently watching the family as they made their way to the mausoleum.

*swish* *swish* *splat*

She suddenly stopped walking and looked up at the shadow that dimmed her way.

And she saw the imposing, large circular building made of travertine limestone.

'Mausoleum Augusti...' her first coherent thought.

It was surrounded by cypress trees, and around it were statues of different gods and goddesses.

She didn't feel anything - not particularly impressed or anything.

If it were any other day than today she would stare at the impressive structure in wonder.

But right now.. nothing.

She stand and stare at it for awhile, the gentle breeze of winter season made the skirt of her stola and hair flew a bit.

Her followers, followed suit. Stopping and just taking in the scenery and the structure.

She carefully hugs the urn in her chest like a delicate babe.

As if she already knows that the time she needs to part with the urn is coming to an end.

'Hhhnnnnnnnnnnnn' she silently started to cry again.

'Ever since he left me...', Agrippina, still unable to accept that Germanicus is dead, she always refer 'left' instead of dead and gone.

She hugs the urn more tightly now, her chest started to hurt.

'Ever since he left me... my heart stops beating..' she continue on with her initial thought.

'I just breathe but I'm not alive..'

She's moving, but she felt like a ship, letting the ocean moves her body.

Looking down at her muddy feet.. she willed it to move.

Her legs now is trembling.

Then her eyes gaze at the urn she's holding in her chest.

A lone tear drips down her eyes, then two and three..

'My eyes.. it rains on their own' she lost control and let the tears she's holding roll down her face.

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!" she finally let the scream of agony she's keeping inside her.

Her knee buckled and she slump down the grassy and muddy ground.

*thud*

"Hhhnnnnnnnn... Aaaahhhhhhh!!!" she cried and scream like a crazy woman while holding the urn oh so preciously.

"Why? Why? Why? Oh gods.. Why?" she screamed in the top of her lungs.

"Waaaaaahhhh... Hhhnnnnnn.... Hic hic.", unable to suppressed it all anymore she wept for a long time.

Her black stola drenched and soaked with a mixture of grass and mud.

The people around her let her cry it all. Her children who never saw her cry when their father died sniffles, their eyes started to tear up.

They can feel the grief radiating itself from Agrippina.

It's like Agrippina is grief itself.

She remained in that state for a long time.

Until the morning sun hid behind the clouds, casting a dim gloom over the scene.

As her sobs gradually subsided, her oldest son, Nero Caesar, cautiously approached her.

He puts his hands in her shoulders and quietly called her.

"Mother..let's go" as if there is something blocking his throat, his voice cracked. "Let father rest now."

They stayed like that for awhile and then Agrippina hold out her hand to his son.

Claudius started to move to help but Drusus Caesar beat him to it, he runs to his mother and older brother.

They then both helped Agrippina stands to her feet.

Julia who is younger than Caligula, who is now four years of age also runs to her mother and hug her legs.

It's like they missed her. And glad that it looks like she started to come back to her senses.

She looked at her children, from Nero Caesar, Drusus and Julia.

Then to Caligula, Drusilla and to her youngest Livilla.

Her gaze soon met Antonia's who mirrored her grief.

Then to Claudius. His brown hair is lighter than her husbands, and his eyes not the same blue.

Her eyes narrowed, he looks nothing like her husband.

Then her gaze looked around the people around them. 

Not moving and staying silent. Their eyes also filled with sadness.

She'll always remember this moment, she decided.

Nero Caesar urge her to move still holding her arms.

Her eyes still red and sore, her snot still in her face.

She let herself be guided by his sons.

With every step, the urn she's holding feels heavier.

It's like Germanicus himself is letting Agrippina feels his presence.

She steeled herself, until she let go of herself from her older son's hold.

Glancing at Nero Caesar she gave him a look.

And it seems like he understood what it meant.

He stopped Drusus from walking together with Agrippina, who got startled and was about to pick a fight with Nero Caesar.

But Agrippina already started her own procession with the urn safely tuck in her chest.

*clack* *clack*

She willed herself to move forward, inside the mausoleum.

*clack* *clack*

The air outside smelled of grass, trees, and earth, but once she stepped inside the building, the air was thick with incense, myrrh, and burning offerings.

The smell of decay and death was also present, as if to say to Agrippina that this was no place for the living.

It was assaulting her nose, but she let it be.

The interior was dimly lit, with a narrow entrance leading to a circular chamber.

An overseer of the mausoleum bowed and greeted her, but she ignores it.

She looked at the walls that were clean, save for the niches that lined them, each containing a sarcophagus or urn.

The overseer followed her inside, not saying anything, just watching and waiting to guide her.

She stepped forward; the atmosphere was somber, the weight of history and immortality hanging in the air as she was surrounded by the remnants of the imperial family's past.

*clack* *clack*

No noise could be heard but the footsteps on the marbled floor.

As she approached the central chamber, her eyes fell upon the imposing tomb of Augustus, the founder of the Roman Empire.

The tomb was adorned with intricate carvings and ornate decorations.

Agrippina's gaze lingered on the tomb for a moment before she turned to the guide.

"Where?" her voice was hoarse from all the crying and screaming.

This was the first time she had spoken to someone after her husband's death.

"Where?" she repeated, but this time it was a whisper.

The overseer bowed respectfully and pointed to a specific location near the tomb of Augustus; he was still bowing when Agrippina pointed her gaze to the area that had been pointed out.

She carefully placed the urn on a raised platform, surrounded by other urns and sarcophagi of the imperial family.

The platform was made of white marble, adorned with intricate carvings and inscriptions.

As she stepped back, she gazed upon the urn, now nestled among the remains of her illustrious family.

She whispered a silent prayer, hoping that Germanicus's spirit would find peace among their ancestors.

The family members and attendants surrounding her bowed their heads in respect, acknowledging the passing of a great Roman hero, Germanicus.

**************************************

After everyone left, Agrippina and Claudius stood side by side.

Antonia her mother in law, have already taken the children with her and went back to her family estate.

The silence is loud as they just stood there and not saying anything.

Claudius sneaked a glance at Agrippina, finding a way to start a conversation.

But Agrippina's defenses, her aura made it impossible for him to speak up.

Claudius sighed and focus his eyes on Germanicus urn.

His eyes became unreadable.

Suddenly, Agrippina broke the silence.

"Where is your uncle?" Agrippina is asking where is Tiberius.

Silence followed.

"Esquiline Hill", Claudius answered quietly.

Agrippina took a breathe as if she's trying to calm herself.

"Is he not aware that his nephew's ashes will be arriving today?"

He sighed again as if the question is something hard to answer.

After awhile, "The emperor is aware.." he admitted.

"And why did i not see his shadow here?"

Claudius unable to answer immediately gulped at Agrippina's question.

But he finally tell the truth, "I really don't know.." The truthfulness in his voice made Agrippina close her eyes.

She straightened her back and she faced Claudius.

Her eyes still red, the half craze look is still there in her eyes but this time with anger in it.

"It's him, right?" her tone accusing.

"We do not know that Agrippina." Claudius answered, but his eyes is wandering looking for someone listening.

"We do not know that." Claudius repeated, emphasizing his words, his eyes stopping her from saying anything anymore.

"It is him." but she stubbornly answer. Confident even.

"Listen, you can't be saying things like this out loud". he warned her.

He looked around once more, but suddenly a hurrying footsteps can be heard echoing the silent mausoleum.

They stared at each other, neither speaking. Agrippina stubborn, Claudius cautious.

"Matrona! Matrona Agrippina!" a vilici's voice that Agrippina knew is can be heard calling for her.

Her eyes turned sharply at the direction it's coming from.

The vilici, who entered, turned pale when he saw her matrona's angry face.

He gulped, but the urgency of his news is more important at the moment than his matrona's rage.

He hurriedly told her the news.

"The emperor had his praetorian guard arrest the governor of Syria." he said.

But Agrippina just stared, her eyebrow raising, as if to say, so what?

"His sin is.." he gulped, "Poisoning the Dominus Germinacus"

It's like a something explode within her.

"What?"

**************************************

INDEX:

calceus - footwear of women/sandals

Mausoleum Augusti - tomb of Augustus and some imperial family

stola - a dress by married woman

matrona - married woman

travertine limestone - a type of limestone they used before

Esquiline Hill - of the hills in Roma

vilici - a slave that oversees family states or domus/often skilled