CHAPTER 3

"Giovanni Antonio De Brescia and his famous painting two women had always had a controversial flair," the lecturer narrated "despite the many pieces other artists drew of women, Giovanni's art stood out due to the intimate position he painted them"

The hall was still, and her voice bounced up the ceiling down to the floor. Jemi shaded on the jotter she had on her desk just to keep her hands engaged

"Many people believe that it was one of the numerous time homosexuality have been pointed out, she looked over the class " but historians say that their relationship could be an amicable one".

"Just girls being pals" someone snickered behind her.

The whole class erupted in laughter.

Jemi smirked to herself, the shape of a girl taking form on the

Paper, countenance sassy, ready to challenge, Jemi recognized that face.

The frown deepened as she crumpled the paper with fisted hands.

She wasn't just feeling right

★★★★★

Later that evening at 4:39, she walked through the glass door into the familiar reception, breathing in the scent of fresh daffodils, that were in a blue vase on the Secretary's table.

She walked towards her nodding amiably, while the Secretary beamed back at her, her polished blue nails laid neatly against the wood, Jemi hid her own bitten, worn-out nails In her hoodie pocket.

"Hey Jemi" she waved " you're late" sparkly brown eyes whose lashes were quite heavy with mascara was covered by a medicated glass. Her floral patterned gown couldn't have screamed 'carefree' more.

"Sorry, I had class, had to stay back," Jemi said remorsefully

"Figured that out" she looked pleased with herself " you're lucky no one's coming in anymore, you're the last for today, got over an hour"

"Thanks, Laura," relief clouding her face, then pointed at the vase "flowers smell good"

"Aww I knew you wouldn't miss that"

Doctor Priya's office was a largely white, quiet space with more drawers and cabinets that were not needed there, the other that she held more closely than the parks of drawers was a brown coffee maker. In addition to her love for tradition, she had a thing for flowers and it told in the varieties of vases scattered in the office, there was more lavender, its petals bathing under the sun coming from the window.

Jemi smiled at the woman, who was in her early fifties but didn't look a day past thirty, she always had a bright smile, giving many lures to her already beautiful eyes..her skin a dark shade of coffee brown, maybe it was the comfort that Jemi always knew came with her but she was perfect. She sat on a chair, and Jemi sat on the other, the table between them.

"Laura said you liked lavenders," she feigned annoyance "turned down my order for lilies "

"I had to notice them" she whispered in a conspirational tone "I wouldn't be alive if I didn't"

There was a small cackle.

"You look bright in just a matter of weeks, the new place seems like a good idea"

"Hmmm"

"Okay" Doc announced picking up a book and a pen, her glasses in place " we have a lot of time today, think carefully before you answer these questions"

"Okay, " Jemi braced herself.

"How easily do you make decisions now?"

Jemi thought over it

"I avoid whatever needs me making a decision, I like things being stable yunno, me by myself, it's easier that way"

She watched her Jot down. Her eyebrows creased.

"How do you feel about yourself?"

Her hands on the desk she pondered speaking as the words formed in her head "Ion know, I've always been in the survival mode, it's now so normal I don't know how to feel anything else except just being ready to be in the wrong" she smiled wryly "even when I'm not"

"On a scale of one to ten, are you contented with your life now?"

She was peeling the skin from around her fingers looking dreamy as she gazed at the red skin becoming visible

" minus three," she answered distantly.

" doesn't seem like much" doc murmured "how do you react to people coming close, friends? Relationships"

Jemi raised a brow at the woman who shrugged " I have to follow every one of them"

She shook her head "None of them, don't know if it's me or them, do I deserve them? It's scary when you have it in mind that everyone's gonna leave you, it's hard to get attached, but deep in, you want someone who could look at you and understand you just want a convo or maybe more if you are genuine, but you know its all a waste, because one day, you'll wake up feeling that everybody's better off without you, like you extremely dependent on them, for your emotional needs. It's not their fault though, but you just wanna hide in, scream within because you aren't weak, and somehow hope, they understand the turmoil you have within you that they cant see but it's still in there"

She stopped, then looked up at Doc's face who was looking intently at her with brewed attention.

Jemi laughed nervously "too much information"

"I'm glad you let out 'too' much information, last six months you told me, you felt like a raccoon each time I asked how you were."

" That was the truth though"

"How's the new apartment?" Doc asked.

" It isn't an apartment, it's a room". She traced the table with her fingers.

"I later got to find that out, sorry for that" she didn't look sorry" It is also a fine environment*

Wouldn't hurt to complain even if it all happened two weeks ago.

"I would have preferred a personal house of my own, I keep bumping into people," and they keep bumping into my room, she frowned.

As if reading her mind, Doc asked " tell me about your roommates"

"We haven't talked much. There's Will, he's a great person, seems he can read minds, cause he left me alone, doesn't push conversations and he's an artist like me"

"You two could click "

"Maybe"

"You said 'bumping into people, who else?"

"There's Emma," she paused, "I do not even know how to shade her, she's annoying, can't keep her hands to herself, I don't know if she suspects me or just plain curious, peeking at my grocery bags, searching my room, you can't ignore her, she doesn't want to be ignored" she sighed, " she pretty, and her voice...."

"She pretty?" Doc looked surprised

"Not in that way, what are you thinking Doc"

"Nothing, go on about this Emma"

"I think I'm done"

There was silence, then doc asked

"What's new in your life?"

"Searching for a job, maybe as a waitress, night shift, pay up bills and just to keep me busy"

"Heard from mum since?

" naaa, I think she's still angry I left the house"

Doc shook her head.

" What is your greatest fear right now?"

"That one day, when I'm alone, I won't wanna live again, might just want to end it again, might be a sip, or a rail, or the trigger, or a slit, that's the quickest route to freedom, and I'm scared one day, I'll have to make that decision," she looked up meeting Docs gaze "It feels close, it feels right"

"That's guilt speaking"

"That's the law speaking," she murmured "a life for a life"

★★★★★

Emma looked at the clock for the thousandth time, hands nervously against each other, sometimes pacing, it had been like two weeks since Jemi caught her fumbling with her things.

Her face never showed any emotion, her eyes did, and she seemed puzzled rather than angry, just standing there after her first shock, watching her stumbling on apologies she tried writhing.

Emma went to the fridge pulling out a bottle of water.

She had been especially protective about that picture, pulling it softly out of her hands and saying a very calm 'you can go now '

Since then, Jemi hadn't spoken a word to her, she ignored the frequent knocks on her door, and turned down meals. Emma had watched her go gaunt, the sarcasm in her eyes dulling, no more talk backs and she couldn't shift her guilt

The doorknob turned and the door pushed open.

Emma stood up, coming face to face with Jemi.

"Hey, I was thinking you...." Jemi shook her head and began leaving, Emma raised her voice "I'm sorry alright, I just wanted to say I'm sorry "

Jemi turned " for?"

"For invading your privacy, that wasn't cool, I'm apologising," she came close "I didn't mean any harm, it was just some nosiness I couldn't push away"

"You didn't want to push away,"

"Agreed," she raised her palms "I'm wrong, the reason I'm saying sorry"

Jemi stuck her hands in her pockets. One nice habit, Emma thought.

"Fine, I didn't hold a grudge"

"If you didn't, you wouldn't mind sitting down, I cooked something"

Jemi looked at her like she had horns on her face, "you shouldn't have gone that far"

"I wanted to," she held her palm and dragged her to the chair "wait here" she ordered then left to the kitchen.

She came back with a plate heaped with food.

Emma's heart danced when she saw Jemi smile and say "you shouldn't have"

"You haven't been eating, noticed thought it might be because you angry"

She shook her head. "No, not really"

Jemi sat opposite her.

"So that's sunburst chicken and walnut salad, kinda light, in case you're not too hungry, try it"

She picked up the fork and hesitated then took a mouthful "Woah, Emma this is good"

" for real?" She had to beam, thinking how much the mess in the kitchen was worth it.

"You cook good, the burst of flavours, it's excellent, I can get inspiration from this"

"Learnt from a pro" she laughed, watching her eat.

Jemi's phone rang, she looked into the screen and her countenance changed. She went outside.

Emma sat stunned, a little excuse wouldn't have hurt though. She thought a little hurt

Five minutes later Jemi strolled inside. Emma recognized that look, The 'I wanna be alone ' expression.

"Anything wrong"

"No" she replied coldly walking away. Emma heard her door shut.

Face red with embarrassment, Emma looked at the dishes in disgust.

Hades drag her to hell if she ever tries to reach out again.

★★★★

Jemi shut the door behind her, in seconds she heard Emma's slam closed, she winced then settled on the bed, face in her hands.

for some minutes she had been happy, she had forgotten every discomfort that had plagued her and then one call just had to ruin it.

She lay on the bed, trying to doze of but knowing at the back of her mind that it was going to be futile.

Guilt and sadness jabbed her hard it felt like physical pain.

giving up sleep she sauntered away from the room, her canvas and it's stander in hand, setting them up in the middle of the sitting room

she got some eggs from the fridge got a bowl from the kitchen.

It was hard separating the yolks from the shell and created more mess in the messy kitchen, finally successful, she mixed the soluble with colour pigment, mixing the famous Egg tempera.

the skin of her arm bare, she began painting.

when she felt like this, it was easier to work, the rage blinding, she splashed on the paper her emotions, it was the only way she could bring it all out without jabbing her fist on the wall or carving her wrist.

this to her felt natural, it smoothed her out for a while,

lost in the magic of creation she thought of Emma, she was prolly just trying to help, no one in a while had done what she had done this evening, and she had to throw it all away because of a phone call that tipped her off.

she applied more shades of dark colours, fogging her mind from anymore thought.

done with the terror, she drew the feelings, lone and void and sad, wanting to be filled up yet scared to reach out.

Done, she turned her back towards it, afraid to see what defined her, who she was.

she frowned numbing the pity feeling, she wasn't falling apart.

she couldn't fall apart.

weakness wasn't needed

★★★★★

The following morning, Emma sauntered into the kitchen, in her flip-flops and nightie, still drowsy from the night before,

"Wow," she thought stopping in her tracks.

The kitchen wasn't the same, seemed a cleaning fairy had stormed the palace of a mess after she angrily slept off yesterday. Shrugging, she made a mental note to acknowledge Will for not forgetting his chore.

Making her way to the sitting room which also had been tidied up, she noticed the canvas in the middle of the room.

Coming closer she admired the masterpiece.

The creation was spectacular yet dark, with dark clouds and withered leaves and a figure which seemed distant that it took time to notice it was even there.

Jemi had painted that she knew, did she sleep at all last night?

She stayed still, leaning to view the piece closely trying not to touch the still wet paint.

"That's a good one" she heard Will say behind her.

She turned seeing him stand in admiration.

"You just waking up?"

"Yeah, had a rough night" he rubbed his eyes

"Then who tidied up?"

Jemi walked in, it was evident she had gone jogging.

She looked up at Emma "Good morning"

Leaving there, Emma made her way to her room. what was so good about the morning, she banged the door shut

★★★★★

He waited behind the curtains, his breath gentle, the excitement building up, he could taste it, smell it, he wasn't in a rush, it was always worth the wait, the blood-curdling screams were the icings on the cake.

The thought that they never knew he was coming, added fun to the game.

He knew what was going to happen, how it was going to happen, he was the all-knowing

He heard the keys turn on the door, slowly as if from exhaustion, she slowly walked into the house. He watched her drop a bag on the table, then begin to strip off right there, her naked body now open to the air,

This one won't be messy, he decided

she walked out of the room, he heard the shower running.

Noiselessly he walked out of his hiding place like a shadow, his briefcase in his left hand, he pushed her bag down and placed the case on the table.

Hearing her hum in the shower, he smiled, removing a rope from the briefcase. Taking short strides to the shower, he pulled the curtains apart.

Her eyes widened in fright, he sucked in the rush of adrenaline, his brain now in focus and the grin still stuck on his face.

"Hi Linda..."