SUBSTITUTE

I was sitting on my bed and was looking out through window by keeping my head on my arms which were resting on my knees as it was raining heavily outside but as the rain was creating noise but my heart was feeling exactly opposite like completely empty or hollow as I was was unable to process the beautiful feeling of rain as something was blocking this feeling to enter it in my heart, I was watching it with still eyes when something is thrown on my bed breaking my trance. I look at the thing which was an engagement invitation having a cover of a handsome young man and beautiful woman. Both were looking so happy and radiant as their happiness can make anyone blind, well it was making her blind. The man was wearing a dark blue three piece suite looking like a prince charming of those fairy tales that I listened and believed all time moreover the way the man's gaze held the so much love the makes the girl blush making her feel that she was 'The Only One' for him, as their lives revolves around each other, he was smiling at her by holding her by her waist as she was wearing an off-white princess frock presenting her like a true princess, well she was after all. She was truly a princess and he was a prince. A couple made for each other. I was lost in the shine of that man's eyes for a while then looks at my sister who throw that engagement invitation.

"How dare she? How dare she come here and give her engagement invitation to you? That bloody whore, what does she think of herself? What the hell was she proud off, she betrayed you and hooked up with your boyfriend and now shamelessly she came our home to show-off that how much of a bitch she is? And that bastard? He didn't think about you and hooked up with that whore. They are truly a perfect couple. Bitch and dog, Ideal one."

I was quietly hearing her curses as I was again staring the invitation card. I slowly picked up the card and traces my thumb on his eyes slowly and couldn't help but mumble.

"He looked happy!"

My sister Tanya saw me saying something

"What did you say?"

I repeated for her like I'm in a trance

"He looked so happy, now I know how he look when he is really happy"

Tanya looked at me like I was a mad person.

"No, I'm serious, believe me." I was reminiscing our time together, my golden memories "All that time he was with me I always felt that something was missing in him, like something was incomplete, like he was forcing himself to be happy but now look at him, this smile, it's like that he found what was missing, like he found his missing piece, like I was never that piece. I was just a compromise for him and here I thought in my selfishness that I would be able to replace that missing piece, that I would be able to take Her place in his life." I was having a astonishing face like we were reminded by our stupidity "What I was even thinking?" I again stares at his face, his smile as I was the most beautiful sight as I can stare it all my life.

"Now look at his smile and eyes. It's so beautiful. It's rightly said that ITS ALL IN THE EYES" I got lost once again but come back with Tanya's voice. Arghhh... Why can't she leave me alone for a while.

"You didn't force him to be with you, he accepted it himself. You stupid girl!" I shake my head in negative and a tired sigh escape from my mouth

"You won't understand. The time when I proposed him, he needed someone and I took advantage of his weak time, I became selfish for my love." Tanya scowls aty words.

"You call your selfish Anya, Selfish? For that man this would be the last term you should be using, you loved him when you were 14, you took medicine because of him while your passion was music and arts, when she left him you were there for him just a call away, you spent sleepless nights so that he can sleep comfortably and when he left for further studies you waited for him for those 2 years..." Why can't she understand that I don't want to talk about it anymore all this conversation is draining my energy. It's not like I don't know what I did, she doesn't need to make me remember that and as I can't take anymore I cut her off and presses my every word of the first sentence.

"But we were not meant to be, He belonged to her all that time too. I was delusional, I thought I could adjust in his world and if he can only give 10% of the love he felt for Her I would spent my whole life with it but he never loved me for a second. For him I was just a substitute and also knew it, it was just I don't want to face it" "But from how long I could run from the truth and here is the truth" I know I sounded like a hypocrite but so what? Loving him was my decision? Following him was my decision? Proposing him was my decision? Waiting for him was alsoy decision too? So whom I can blame and even if want to blame him, I just don't want to. I want to keep my stand, maintain my cold strong persona which my sister always admired. Even if I'm breaking I want to keep my fake pride and want to assure her that she can relay on me. I will protect her, I will be her shelter and after long time I saw her happy and I don't want her believe to once again waver from love. Humen are really complicated.

"Don't you feel sad?"

"No" too numb

"Angry?"

"No" never had that right

Listening to my decisive answers Tanya hold my both shoulders and shakes them like waking me up from all this, from my own world.

"What about your happiness Anya? Where were you in all this?"

I give a bright smile to my sister.

"Correction Tanya, all along it was me in that relationship, I loved him, I pursued him, I followed him, I proposed him, I waited for him and if happiness you are talking about then"

After a pause I point towards his smile

"This is the happiness."

Tanya slowly left me and goes out from the room. I looked at Tanya's disappearing figure then looked back at the card. I really don't know how many times I looked at it today. I slowly mutters.

"Congratulations Karan"

"It hurts"

A lone tear slipped from my eyes.

"I can't stay here anymore!"

Saying this I opened my drawer which was containing two envelopes.