Six: Josh

I know it’s not a date, I know that I have a long way to go, but this is progress. I’m over the moon and I feel like dancing. She agreed to go out with me and honestly, it wasn’t even hard to convince her, which is something that gives me hope to an extent. I don’t know her well, but I’d like to believe that she at least tolerates me. I don’t think she was annoyed by my companionship today. If she didn’t like being around me, she wouldn’t have agreed to go to the gallery with me, right?

          There are so many things I want to keep in mind if I want to impress her and keeping my addiction away from her is my number one priority. The girl doesn’t date at all, so even if I managed to convince her that dating isn’t a bad thing, she wouldn’t settle for an addict like me. She deserves better. This is something I’m certain about, but I’m also selfish and I want her.

          I drive off after dropping her at her workplace with a stupid smile on my face. I have to make sure that everything will be perfect next Friday. I don’t want to mess up. There is no room for mistakes, literally. I wish I could bring her roses or anything, but if I did that, it would give her date vibes and I want to avoid this even if I secretly want it to be a date.

          I hear my phone ringing and I quickly glance at it. My sister is calling me. I haven’t seen her in so long. She is studying graphic design at the University of San Diego.

          “Hey, Avery,” I say with a cheery tone. It’s been almost two weeks since we last talked, and I miss her. Along with my mum, she decided not to give up on me. She saw something good in me. “How’s my baby sister doing?” She hates it when I call her that and I do it to get on her nerves.

          “I’m just three years younger.” I can already see her rolling her eyes at me. I just love it when I get on her nerves and annoy her, but if somebody else did that, I’d never let it go. “Anyway, I’m all good. How about you? I miss you.”

          The AirPods in my ear are giving me the privilege of driving and talking on the phone at the same time. It’s not like I didn’t talk on the phone while driving before purchasing them, but this is safer. At least I have both of my hands now on the steering wheel.

          “I’m fine and I miss you too. Can’t you come anytime soon to visit me?” I wonder, hoping that she’d be able to do that. I haven’t seen her in three months or even more.

          “I will try to visit you, I promise. I know this is early, but do you plan on coming home on Thanksgiving?” She already knows the answer to her question, but maybe she has some wishful thinking. I bring the gear stick on N as I come to a red spotlight.  

          “You know the answer to this question. If Evan is going to be there, I won’t be there,” I reply with the answer she already knows. I hear her sigh out in frustration.

          “Can’t you guys forget the past? It’s been five years. You’re better now and we can all get over that dark part of our life together. We can be a happy family again.” I appreciate her attempts, I really do, but I hate to burst her bubble; what she wants can never happen.

          I bring the gear stick back on D and start driving again once the red light turns green.

          “Dad can’t even stand being in the same room as me, Evan takes advantage of every moment to act as the caring big brother and he doesn’t forget to remind mum and dad of what I’ve done!” I snap, but I don’t mean to snap at her. I’m snapping at the reality I loathe and the memories I want to bury. “What kind of happy family do you think we’re going to be?” I ask her with a calmer tone and her silence is proof that she, herself, doesn’t know the answer. “We can’t be a happy family again if they don’t let go of the past, because I wasn’t the only one at fault at some point.”

        “I know that. I know you’re not the only one at fault, but you need to say something about this to fix up your image. Do that! What are you waiting for? What’s holding you back?” she argues. Her voice is full of questions and wonders. She doesn’t support the way I think and she believes that my parents deserve to know the truth. She thinks I deserve to reveal the truth; however, I’m scared of the consequences. Whenever we talk about this, I have to remind her that I do not want them to know because I know Avery. She cares so much about clearing up my image and she doesn’t think about anything else. I fear breaking this family by revealing another dark secret.

          “I can’t tell you now, but I promise you, one day, I will tell you the truth. I will tell you everything you’ve always wanted to know. Right now isn’t the right time. Once I feel this time has come, I will reveal what I have been keeping from you.” I don’t make empty promises because I believe in promises. I will tell them one day. I will remove that heavy load off my chest. I will show them that there’s somebody else at fault other than me. I’m just not ready to do this now.

          “I will try to visit you before Halloween, okay?” She changed the subject; it’s something I’m thankful for.

          “You know you’re welcomed here at any time,” I say as I park the car in the driveway. I hang up after we said goodbye and I get out of the car. The roads today aren’t crowded which is something that is usually considered good, but I kind of wished they would be crowded today because that would have given me more time with Taleen.

          I think Taleen and Avery might make good friends. I wish they would be friends. I brush the thought away once I realize how far my imagination has taken me. I’m already picturing Taleen with my family and getting to know them despite all the disagreements I have with them. Maybe one day my family and I would make up. Maybe one day I could introduce Taleen to them, even if the two of us are just friends.