*Cal*I’ve had other women say they loved me before—after we had sex and I’d taken them to paradise and back. It’s not uncommon. However, I know that Heidi’s words carry a different meaning than all of the rest. I’m absolutely positive she didn’t say that just because she was in post-coital bliss. She meant it. Every word. I only know because I can feel that whatever we have going on between us is different from anything I have ever experienced before.Which is why it freaks me the fuck out.This wasn’t supposed to get this deep. This was supposed to remain an infatuation, a brief curiosity. Something I could chase, experience, and set aside. Because I’m a dangerous man, and that danger lurks in every facet of my life. She’d never be safe. But deep down, the selfish part of me is thrilled to know she loves me. I never thought I deserved someone’s love, but Heidi makes me feel like I do. Like somehow I deserve to be with her and have her by my side. That’s the kind of effect she has o
*Heidi*Opening my eyes to find myself in Cal’s bed with him by my side is even better than any dream I’ve ever had. His scent is all over the room and the sheets, and the heat radiating from his body is almost too much for my sleepy mind to handle.He looks even hotter after waking up, and I need to control myself not to jump on him. Which, eventually, I end up doing anyway.I’m on top of him before I know it. Having morning sex feels somewhat different, and I’m slightly embarrassed that he gets to see me with my puffy, sleepy eyes and disheveled hair, but he doesn’t seem to mind and is eager to please me.Our skin is damp with sweat after I ride him and give us both a morning to remember. I roll off him and stare at the ceiling, too tired to stand up and get started with my day.“I really have to go to work,” he tells me, his tone expressing how annoyed he is to have to leave this place.I don’t blame him. I wish he didn’t have to go either. I wouldn’t mind having the day off, to sp
*Heidi*It’s past 9:00 P.M. and the sky is fully dark outside by the time Cal returns home. After finding his closet packed with guns, there was nothing else I could do other than sit on his couch and wait for him to return to ask what the fuck he’s got all those weapons for.I pondered the sitution for so long, my brain working overtime, convincing myself that I should give him the benefit of the doubt. I can’t believe that he would do anything to harm me. Even if that meant keeping things like this from me.The entire afternoon, I tried to think of reasons why he would need to have guns inside his home. He’s a businessman after all. He might have… unruly patrons at the bar? But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t come up with an explanation as to why he would need an entire wall of weapons that look like something out of a gangster movie.That’s why I’m still here when he returns. In the morning, my original plan was to surprise him, to have a romantic dinner prepared for when he
*Cal*Coming home to find Heidi waiting for me was an unexpected, but very welcome, surprise. After the day I had at the bar, dealing with countless business deals that went wrong–not to mention getting nowhere with the threat of the cartel looming over our heads–I planned on coming home and drowning myself in whiskey until I passed out and forgot this day ever happened.But as soon as my eyes spotted Heidi on my couch, wearing nothing but my Knicks shirt, her toned legs exposed, my brain short-circuited, making me momentarily forget about my bad day.A more thorough look at her though, and I could tell she was pissed off.‘Why?’ was the first question that came to mind. When I left this morning, we seemed fine. She seemed fine.She never mentioned the ‘I love you’ thing again, and I figured the best move was to pretend it didn’t happen. Maybe she regretted it, maybe she wanted me to pretend I hadn’t listened. Was that a bad move on my part?Was that why she was pissed off about?But
*Cal*Eventually, we manage to finish our showers with Heidi helping me scrub my back and massage my stiffened muscles. Her tiny, smooth hands feel so good as they glide over my soaped skin that I almost give up on letting her tend to me and move us into round two.I watch as Heidi washes her hair, complaining that she already did that earlier today and wasn’t planning on doing it again. She’s so cute when she pouts. Then we dry ourselves, heading for the bed right after.I’m so drained and exhausted today that my brain feels like it’s melting inside my head. I have no strength to take Heidi out to eat or even to go down to the kitchen and cook something for us.Lying under the sheets, our legs entangled, the air conditioner on full blast, and our bodies embracing each other is helping me recharge somehow.This feeling is so unusual to me, but I find myself more and more addicted to it, and it scares me how much I think about these moments when I’m not with her.Heidi’s stomach growl
*Heidi*Visiting Grandma and Grandpa at the nursing home feels somewhat bittersweet. I’ve missed them a lot, and I wish I could spend more time with them like I used to. But they have a new routine now, and it’s not like I can come by everyday to check on them and spend time here.I need to get back on my feet, to get on with my life. I need to get my job back.On the cab back home, I look out the window, contemplating the past few weeks and how much my life has changed ever since. Everything revolves around Cal. He told me he loved me last night. He shared his heart, and the things he said about me and how he thought he wasn’t worthy of me, it was all so sweet that my heart still skips a beat whenever I replay it in my head.Is this what I want my entire life to be like? Sharing it with Cal, no matter what?I still have my doubts about what I found in his closet, it’s true, but I’m sure Cal will tell me the truth about everything one day. Despite what I said to him, and how I feel abo
*Heidi*I blink once, twice, my brain struggling to make sense of the words that just came out of Cal’s mouth.Irish Kings? What the fuck is that?Why do I recognize this name from somewhere?But where…?Then it occurs to me, like a meteor hitting me straight in the face.Irish Kings… That’s the name of the Irish mafia gang in New York. I have no idea why or where I remember it from, but I might have read about them at some point in the past, or heard about them on TV or in the news.“The Irish Kings…as in, the mafia?” I ask, hoping that saying it out loud will convince me that that isn't what he meant because that would be utterly ridiculous.The whole idea is stupid. Even repeating the name sounds idiotic to me. There’s no way I fell in love with a mafia boss. Is there? This is not a fucking movie. This is real life.I remember joking about it once with him in the car right after we met. He slammed on the brakes so hard that we were almost rear ended. I had no idea how close to ho
*Cal*“Fuck!” I hiss, punching the wall next to the elevator outside Heidi’s apartment. Thankfully, there’s no one with me as I head downstairs after being told to leave her home, so I’m left alone with my anger and frustration.I should’ve seen this coming. It was bound to happen from the beginning. Of course, she would find out. How did I ever think I could keep it hidden from her forever?I could’ve treaded more carefully, but as soon as I heard her saying over the phone that she thought she was being followed, I saw red. I rushed to her apartment, not even trying to control my feelings and emotions. I was all over the place, all sorts of scenarios running through my mind until I could make sure that she was all right.She immediately picked up that I was hiding something from her. Once I decided to come clean with her, everything just poured out of me, and everything I’d been struggling to keep from her was completely exposed.As soon as I get to the building exit, I hesitate, hal
*Heidi*Cal drives us through the city, but I don’t recognize the path he’s taking until he stops in front of the exact same store in Greenwich Village that I had my eyes on for weeks when I was searching for a place to rebuild Sullivan’s Bookstore. At first, I frown, wondering what we’re doing here. It’s a tease, honestly. My heart beats fast when I look at the front window and realize it is no longer for sale. I don’t want to assume anything, so I turn to look at Cal, who has the biggest grin on his face. “What is this?” I ask, just to make sure I’m not crazy.After Cal was shot, I kind of set the idea of having a new bookstore aside. I focused on helping him recover, then having my things moved to his apartment, and after all of that was settled, I turned my attention to learning his businesses instead of going back to my own profession. I was frustrated and disappointed at everything failing in that department, so I simply ignored it.Until now.Seeing this store brings back all t
*Heidi*Two months later…Cal’s recovery wasn’t fast, but he did heal faster than the doctor thought he would. A couple of days after he was shot, he was allowed to be moved back to his apartment, which made it easier for me to take care of him. His place is close to everything, and I could come and go to grab groceries and also visit my grandparents every once in a while.Eventually, I had to tell them about Cal and that we were not only in love, but getting married, and they made me promise I’d take Cal to visit them. But Cal offered something else instead, and we all ended up going on a small trip so they could get to know each other.Needless to say, Grandma and Grandpa love him. They couldn’t stop smiling and were elated that I finally had someone to share my life with. I guess this is what they wanted the most for me.Adjusting to Cal’s apartment was also a struggle at first. I had few things to take with me since I didn’t buy a lot after the fire, but he basically forced me to
*Cal*Hearing those words from Heidi makes me wonder if I have truly died. Maybe all of this is a figment of my imagination. Maybe God is allowing me to live one last happy moment before I get to suffer for eternity in Hell.But there’s no way this perfect woman in front of me is an illusion. She looks so real. Her eyes–her beautiful eyes that I love so much–are staring at me so intently and expectantly that I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to.And she loves me.She’s willing to turn her back on everything she believes in to be with me. This is much more than I deserve. So much more.I realize I don’t want a day to go by that I don’t get to hear those words come out of her mouth.I want to spend every day telling her how much I love her, too. I don’t deserve her, but it will become my life’s mission to make sure she doesn’t regret her choice, that I shower her with love and attention, and that she knows how much she means to me. I am far from perfect, but I’ll try my best to be f
*Cal*My ears pick up murmurs around me, but I can’t force myself to open my eyes. My entire body is sore, and the pain in my abdomen feels like someone is pressing and squeezing all of my organs together. It’s hard to breathe, but I force my lungs to receive as much air as I can inhale. My back hurts, so I try to adjust myself on what feels like a bed, or maybe a couch, but the smallest movement makes me grunt with pain.“Easy there, boss. You have a hole in your stomach,” someone warns, their voice distant but somewhat playful. I groan again, frustrated at not being able to move. My eyelids seem to weigh a ton, but I need to see what’s happening around me. I need to know where I am and why. Images of the confrontation in my bar come back to me in snippets. I don’t remember the details about what happened, especially how I got shot, but I do remember seeing Milo. I have no idea how much time has passed, and I also don’t know the outcome of the fight, so I need to make sure my men a
*Heidi*I step out of the shower and put on a set of comfortable sweats. The weather in New York City has been merciless lately, and even inside the apartment, I can still feel the cold wind blowing against the windows outside, seeping through cracks in the apartment I can’t see.I blow dry my hair in an attempt to warm myself, and that’s why I don’t hear my phone ringing the first two times. It’s only when I decide to order something to eat since I don’t feel like cooking anything that I notice I missed two calls.Before I grab the phone to check who it is that called me, I can’t stop myself from hoping it was Cal. But when I spot the unknown number, I roll my eyes. Of course he wouldn’t call me. I ended that. He made it pretty clear that he doesn’t intend to change his lifestyle, and since I’m not willing to give up on my principles either, I won’t hear from him again. I should make peace with that instead of keeping my hopes up.I’m about to put my phone down again, not really int
*Cal*Leaving the basement and making sure at least one of my men stays behind to watch the cartel assholes we have tied inside, I rush upstairs with Tony, Sam, and Hunter with the rest of my men on my tail.Even though the noises upstairs are muffed by closed doors and thick walls, I don’t like what I hear as I approach the bar. Frantic screams and intermittent gunfire can never be a good thing.“Fuck,” I hiss to myself. “They seem to be heavily armed,” I inform my men over my shoulder. “Are you guys loaded?”“I have a couple of guns with me. Armando is outside with my men,” Tony informs me. I don’t want to think about the possible scenarios we’re about to encounter. The rest of my men are also upstairs, but if they were caught off guard–even though I had them keeping a close eye out for any strange movement–things might be ugly.“I’ll grab a shotgun from the safe,” Hunter tells me. “Do you need me to get you anything, Boss?”“No, I have my pistol on me,” I reply through gritted tee
*Heidi*Going after Cal was a mistake. I knew it would be, but I still did it anyway.What was I thinking? What was I even expecting to happen? That if I came and asked him to drop his entire life and career for me and he’d do it?Ha! What a joke.Even if I mean as much to him as he says I do, giving up something you’ve been building your whole life is hard. I should know better than that. I wouldn’t give up on my life and dreams either if he asked me to. So, why am I feeling so heartbroken? Why do I feel so sad, so left out?I storm out of his office with tears blurring my vision. His scent is all over me, and my lips are still tingling from our kisses. No matter how much I want to turn back and run into his arms, I know I can’t do it. This is it. This was the last straw, the confirmation I needed that we’re indeed over.For good.“Miss Heidi, is everything okay?” someone asked from behind me as I walked out of the bar. It was rude on my part to ignore whoever it was, but I couldn’
*Cal*Tony takes a little longer than I’d like with the cartel bastards the Saints captured. By the time his men haul in two guys who are, I’d say, unrecognizable, I’m basically digging a hole in the floor with all my anticipation and agitation, having spent the last hour pacing.The guy I cuffed in the basement looks up from his spot in the corner, and his eyes widen when he sees two more of his people have also been taken by us. He doesn’t have any strength in him to say anything, but he’s been pretty quiet anyway compared to some of the smart-mouthed assholes I’ve beaten the shit out before.“Hey,” Tony greets me, walking behind his guys who are now restraining the newly kidnapped men to chairs, away from the first one. “Brought you a little present.”I grunt. “After the day I just had, you have no idea how glad I am to see them,” I tell him, darting a deathly glance to the newcomers and cracking my knuckles.“I owe you already. I’m glad I could return the favor for once,” Tony say
*Cal*I consider going after Heidi. Following her upstairs, grabbing her by the arm, turning her to me and crashing my lips into hers, hoping she can feel how much I love her and how much I’m willing to fight for us.But that’d be a lie.And also unfair to her.Because if I truly was willing to do anything for her, I’d accept turning my back on the mafia and the Irish Kings without a question. I wouldn’t hesitate. I wouldn’t consider anything other than having her by my side.But I can’t.I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t promise her something I’m not ready to do. Therefore, I’d rather she hates me now, while she still has any feelings for me, then watch her fall out of love with me while we are together. That’d hurt me more than anything.Realization begins to sink in. We’re truly over now. There’s no turning back, no saving this relationship that’s barely even started. I try to convince myself that this is for the best. Heidi will finally be safe away from me. She can return