Chapter 113

I shook my head hard to concentrate on my friend's voice. She kept talking, but I stopped listening to her for a moment because I was thinking about Harvey, the gorgeous blond I met two months ago on one of my many girls' outings with Gabrielle, and who I started dating four weeks ago.

He was divorced and had two young children.

All my life I was reluctant to have anything with a man with children, because my policy was always: If I can buy a new car, ¿why buy a used one? This thought became ingrained in me as a result of living with my stepmother. It's not that our relationship was bad, but I remember a couple of times I tried to make her life miserable, just for fun. I was afraid that divine justice would take its toll on me for those years of rebellion and headaches I'd caused Valerie. But there was something about Harvey that appealed to me so much.

He was very direct and upfront.

When he approached me, he didn't do it with the typical cliché phrases that all men use to approach a woman. He didn't compliment my looks or say I was the most beautiful woman his eyes had ever seen. God! How much I hate it when the first phrase they use to approach a woman is: “Hello gorgeous, you're very beautiful and I haven't stopped looking at you since

you walked in the door.”

Really? Don't men understand that women hate that generic way of approaching us?

Harvey was not like that.

He came over to my table, put a beer in front of me, pulled up a chair, sat down and said:

“Why are you upset?”

I scowled at him.

“I'm not upset, I blurted out”.

“No? I think so”, he commented. “I've been watching you for a while, and you haven't smiled once”.

“I don't smile much”, I said grumpily, “I'm naturally bitter”, I blurted out, hoping the man would get up and leave, but he didn't. That surprised me a lot. That surprised me a lot.

“You're not that. You're just someone who decided to put up a huge wall to stop anyone from hurting him”, he said and winked at me.

“We have a psychologist”, I mumbled, with noticeable sarcasm.

He shook his head.

“No. I'm not a psychologist, but I don't need to be to see that you send out all the signals that you don't want anyone to get close to you.” 

“And if you got the message, why did you come closer?” I rolled my eyes in annoyance. At that point in my life I didn't give a damn whether I made a good or bad impression in front of a man. I was tired of my bad experiences with them and preferred to chase them away.

Better alone than in bad company. That was my motto.

“I'm Harvey,” he held out his hand toward me, and I looked at it sideways. I didn't take it. “Okay,” he nodded and withdrew his hand. “Could I buy you a drink?” 

“No,” was my scathing reply.

He laughed. I looked at him sternly.

“What are you laughing at?” I blurted out the words violently.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you, but it's just, your attitude is typical of a teenager who thinks the world is against her.” 

“You didn't mean to offend me? What do you think you're doing now, calling me childish?”

“I didn't say that.# 

“Oh no?”

“Okay,” he held up his hands in surrender, “we got off on the wrong foot, but I'm not very good at approaching women who look like they want to murder me.” 

I couldn't help but burst out laughing. I laughed so hard I had to cover my mouth to stifle my thunderous laughter. He smiled.

“Wow! You have a beautiful smile,” he said.

I blushed like an idiot and all my defenses collapsed.

I didn't realize it, but within minutes we were chatting pleasantly, about him and me. He told me he was recently divorced and had two children: an eight-year-old girl and a twelve-year-old boy. He was from Texas and had a cattle farm that he ran with his older sister. She was thirty-six years old. Not bad for a woman in her late thirties, like me.

After some more talk, Harvey asked me to dance. I agreed without hesitation, because I love to dance.

“If I tell you that I like you a lot, will you hit me?” he said, as we danced.

I laughed and pulled away from him a little so I could look him in the face.

“I like you, Harvey, but right now I don't want anything serious with anyone. I've had some very bad experiences and...” 

“I understand,” he interrupted me before I started my speech, “I just got out of a twelve year marriage and I'm not looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with either. I just want a woman to hang out with, feel comfortable with, go out dancing for a while, have good sex... no complications.” 

“You're a man who gets right to the point”, it was my turn to interrupt him. “I like that.” 

“I don't like to deceive women with a lot of cheesy talk. I like to speak plainly and let you be the ones to decide whether to give me a chance or not.” 

“The man proposes and the woman disposes”, I quoted one of the sayings most used by my mother.

“Exactly,” he agreed, winking at me.

Harvey tried to move in for a kiss on the lips, but I turned my face to the side.

“Don't ruin the moment,” I muttered, resting my chin on his shoulder. I knew he was laughing because the little twitches in his body gave it away.

The next day he called me to invite me to lunch. Normally I would have said no and made up some silly excuse, but I didn't. I agreed to go to lunch with him. I agreed to go to lunch with him.

That invitation to eat, turned into an outing to the movies at the end of the afternoon and then we went to have a couple of drinks at a nice place where they were playing live music. By the end of the night we were in a hotel room, kissing passionately and eager to have wild sex, not caring that we had only known each other for a day. We were cautious, of course. I'm not a crazy woman who sleeps with a new acquaintance without using protection.

The sex was fabulous. Harvey has a mastery in the art of lovemaking. He knew just what place to touch and how to touch it. He was rough when he needed to be and subtle when he needed to be. And his kissing... God! His kisses were off the charts. With him I put into practice everything I had learned so far. Not that I'm a veteran, but I'm self-taught and every once in a while, watching adult movies helps to broaden my knowledge.

I decided to go on with my life as if nothing had happened. I thought that by having what I wanted, he would forget about me and pretend I didn't exist. That's the normal thing a man does with a woman he's just met; he takes her to bed and goodbye.

I was very clear and at no point did I make up a cheesy story, where I implied the stupid phrase: “happily ever after.”

But Harvey was determined to surprise me in every possible way. It had only been eight hours since we parted with a short kiss on the lips aboard his car when my cell phone rang. As I looked at the screen and saw his name on it, I felt very disgruntled. What was I supposed to say to the previous night's romp?

“Hello?” I answered in a tremulous voice.

“Hello, beautiful. How are you?” Harvey sounded very cheerful.

“Well?” I said uncertainly.

“I was wondering if you'd like to join me for dinner tonight. I want to see you.” 

“Are you serious?” the words came like rockets out of my mouth.

“Why wouldn't I? I'd like to spend some time with my girlfriend.” 

What?” Was I hearing that right? Did he say my girlfriend? What kind of absurd joke was that? Men aren't like that! At least not men who are handsome and gods in bed. That kind of behavior I attribute to desperate men in their fifties and up who settle for opportunistic women they meet through Tinder. The little voice in my conscience screamed: “Psycho alert!” “Hang up and change your number!”

I swallowed thickly and cleared my throat.

“What did you say?” My voice sounded shrill. Hey Harvey, “I think you're going too fast. I...”

“Relax, Aháva. I'm kidding,” he said. “I just want to see you and...” He took a deep breath and let it out suddenly. “I had a great time last night, and I'd like to do it many more times.” 

Sex, was the only thing that popped into my head. That was what I meant to Harvey. And it didn't bother me at all. I'd had so many bad experiences with men who hurt me without caring about my feelings and it made me develop a certain repulsion to romantic entanglements. So I made a decision. I would enjoy it for as long as it lasted, no strings attached, no drama.

“Okay. Will you pick me up at seven?” I agreed.

That encounter turned into another and another and another. For the next three weeks we spent the next three weeks exploring the various ways to give each other pleasure, going out to eat, walking around the city, going dancing, having a couple of drinks and ending the evening entangled between the sheets of a comfortable hotel bed. He called me often to hear from me, but he never fell into the typical mistake of men, of promising the moon, the sun and the stars. I hate it when they do! In the end, they are just empty promises that come to nothing. I'm more of a woman of deeds and not words. And maybe that's what I liked about Harvey, because he was a practical man, who was affectionate when he had to be, without being cheesy.

I confess that there was a time when I dreamed of the arrival of my prince charming, of falling madly in love with a man who would say nice things to me, who would give me flowers and chocolates, who would delight me with poems and serenades at midnight; who would heal my heart. She longed to love and be loved as intensely as I did. And every time I met someone, I made the mistake of clinging and giving myself body and soul.

At first everything was beautiful, but the magic only lasted a few days. Eventually, they shattered each and every one of my illusions.

How many times can you break someone's heart? I've lost count of how many times mine has been broken, and that's why I'm sick of falling in love.

Still, Harvey had something that shook the foundations of my sanity and the thought of taking a chance, of loving again and giving it my all, no matter what.

“Aháva!” Gabrielle's voice snapped me out of my reverie.

“I'm sorry, friend. I got distracted thinking”, I said.

"I noticed," she mumbled. “What are we going to do? Are we going to stay here or go somewhere else?”

I took a quick look at the place. It was starting to get crowded and I've never liked crowded places, unless it's a good rock or metal concert. Bathwater by No Doubt was playing at a moderate volume, just enough to feel the music, but just enough to chat without having to shout. We were in the new place in town, it was only four months since it opened and I loved the atmosphere. It was ideal to have a few beers in good company, listening to hits from the seventies, eighties and nineties.

I looked at my cell phone screen again to see if I had a new message, but I didn't. I was hoping Harvey would text me and tell me where to meet him. I was hoping Harvey would text me and tell me where to meet him.

“Aháva!” My friend waved her hand in front of my face. “What's wrong with you?”

“I'm sorry, but I just couldn't stop thinking about Harvey. He wrote me in the afternoon to ask me what I was doing tonight, and I told him I'd be at the store with you, finishing organizing the inventory. I didn't think I was going to get off so early. I sent him a text a while ago, but he hasn't read it yet. I called him to tell him I was here, but he doesn't answer... I don't want to keep insisting and show my desperation. “Fuck! But he doesn't text me at all,” I snorted in frustration.

Gabrielle grabbed my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes.

“You need to relax,” she said. “You're starting to behave the way you always do. Remember what happens when you give yourself without reserve. Take it for what it is: a summer fling”.

I put a hand to my forehead and tapped it gently.

“You're right. I have to control my feelings,” I snorted again. “Why can't I keep my heart locked in a box? I can't help but feel like...”

“Yes, I know. You love him”, my friend interrupted me. “It's normal. It's been a long time since you've met someone like Harvey, but for your sake, try to keep your distance.”

“I've kept my distance all this time, and I think Harvey wants to take the next step, but I always avoid him when he hints that he wants to formalize things between us,” I let out a frustrated snort. I don't know what's wrong with me. On the one hand, I want to stay away from anything that warrants a serious relationship, but on the other hand, I want to experience it all over again. Falling in love and...”

“You have to let down your wall and let everything flow,” my friend advised me. “You'll never know if he's the one if you don't take a chance.”

“Okay. Let me go to the powder room and as soon as I get back, we'll leave,”  I smiled and Gabrielle did the same.”

Wasting no time, I grabbed my bag and headed for the women's restroom. I needed to unload. After five beers, my bladder was grateful. I fixed my hair in front of the mirror and touched up my makeup. As I left the bathroom, I headed to the bar to pay our tab so we could go to a less crowded place.

I was feeling very stressed because in the last few days I had been arranging the new merchandise for the store I ran with my best friend and Gabrielle. She was a single mother because some cretin, after swearing the moon, sun and stars at her, got her pregnant and she fell off the map. Luckily, my friend's parents were well-to-do and helped her open a beauty supply store.

I was in charge of accounting and administration, plus I helped her take care of her on the weekends.

I reached into my wallet to pull out my credit card and when I looked up, I felt someone bury a hot iron in the middle of my chest. I clenched my fists and tensed my jaw so tight that my teeth ground together.

I cursed once again my bad luck in love, as a hateful tear peeked out of one of my eyes.

The scene in front of me disgusted me. Harvey was hugging a woman and kissing her as if he wanted to gobble her up. I swallowed my anger and walked in the direction of the bar, passing him. Harvey didn't even notice me. He went on about his business.

I positioned myself in a strategic place, where when I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was me. I took a deep breath to appease my killer instincts and waved my hand to get the attention of the man tending the bar. I handed him my card and indicated my table number so he could collect what we owed. All this without taking my eyes off Harvey and his new conquest.

Fucking asshole, I thought as I glared at him.

He opened him eyes and ran one of her hands down the woman's cheek. For a moment I thought he wouldn't see me, so I moved a couple of steps to the left to make sure he did. Bingo! Him blue eyes landed on me and the smile on her face vanished. I noticed his jaw unhinge and he went white as a sheet.

I swallowed all my discomfort and smiled from ear to ear. The most hypocritical smile in the world. He did the same: smiled like the idiot he was. Very slowly I raised my hand into a fist and showed him my middle finger.

His eyes widened so wide, they almost popped out of their sockets. I turned and walked away. I needed to find Gabrielle so we could get the hell out of there. I felt nauseous and I wanted to punch him in the face so badly. If I stayed any longer, I was sure I would do something crazy.

I grabbed my coat violently as soon as I reached the table where my friend was waiting for me.

Let's get out of here, I said with impetus.

Gabrielle scrutinized me with her eyes.

“Is something wrong?” she said.

“All fucking men are the same,” I snapped. “Let's get the fuck out of here.” 

I walked like hell to the exit, Gabrielle trailing behind me. My ears were ringing and a couple of tears threatened to spill out, but I wiped them away before they spilled over.

When we were finally outside, I walked briskly to my car.

“Aháva! Wait for me,” my friend's voice made me stop. “What's the matter with you? You look like you've seen a ghost.

I turned suddenly to meet Gabrielle's confused gaze.

“Get in the car. I'll explain on the way,” I motioned for her to get in the car. She walked without resistance and just as she opened the passenger door:

“Aháva!” Harvey's voice boomed behind me.

“Shit,” I mumbled.

I tried to ignore him and walked around the silver Kia Optima SXL my father gave me for my twenty-sixth birthday.

“Aháva, please listen to me,” his voice sounded closer. I turned suddenly when I felt a hand on my shoulder. When did he get so close? “It's not what you think.” He had the nerve to say.

Those words made me forget the discomfort I felt because of the disappointment and disillusionment, and instead of feeling dejected, a recalcitrant anger ran through me from head to toe. I couldn't help but burst out laughing, for when I feel intense things mixed together, I like to laugh. I looked at him with a jesting look.

Why do all men use the same phrase when they are caught red-handed in the arms of their lover?

Because that's what that woman with Harvey was. Wasn't she? I was his girlfriend, wasn't I? Damn it! I was so confused. Was I his mistress? Was that woman his girlfriend? Was she his ex-wife?

I put a hand to my head as I felt a little dizzy. I felt Harvey holding me to keep me from falling. I was never good at dealing with drama. I preferred to run away from it.

“Let me go,” I managed to say after a while.

“Let me explain. I'm...”

“There's nothing to explain,” I interrupted him, “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted that way. It's clear that we're just passing and it's time to say goodbye,” I tried to turn around to get into my car.

“That's what happened to us,” he muttered.

I frowned and turned to look at him again.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I mumbled the question.

“From the day we met, you tried to take me away from you. You thought for me, you decided for me and you assumed that what I felt for you wasn't real. I wanted something more! I wanted to be with you, to give myself to you... but every day, your walls were getting stronger and stronger. I tried to ignore all your insecurities, to give you love without expecting anything in return, but I got tired of giving and getting nothing.” 

“And that's why you decided to go with the first girl who crossed your path?” I blurted out the question.

“I'm giving myself a chance to be with someone who cares about being with me. I'm taking the dare to be happy.” 

“This wasn't the way. You could have said something to me. You can fix things by talking, without realizing it,” a few tears were rolling down my cheeks. “I...”

“I tried to do it, Aháva. Last week I asked you for the tenth time to be my girlfriend, and you said no. I tried to tell you that I wasn't comfortable with our relationship, that I needed you by my side... but you told me that you didn't have time for melodrama or cheesy talk...” 

“Harvey, I didn't...” My voice cracked.

“Let me speak, Aháva, please,” he looked me in the eye and I could see he was very distressed. “I don't know what kind of men you've been involved with in the past, but they must have been total sons of bitches for you to build a fortress around yourself. I wanted to be with you. I never wanted to hurt you, but fortunately we were on different frequencies. I trying to break down your defenses and you reinforcing them.”

I swallowed thickly. He came up to me and kissed me on the cheek.

“I hope that someday a man manages to defeat all those demons that torment you, that you leave behind the ghosts of your past and you can live your present to the fullest.”

He gave me a warm smile and turned to leave.

I stood there for a few seconds, holding my car door and taking in Harvey's words, until I felt Gabrielle's hand on my shoulder.

“Get in,” she gestured with his head for me to climb into the passenger seat. “I'll drive,” she added.

I did as she asked me and immersed myself in my thoughts as she drove through the city. I lost track of time remembering each and every one of Harvey's words. I felt like the biggest fool in the world, realizing that I had just lost the chance to be happy with a good man because of my fears.

You'll never know if he's the one if you don't take a chance.

Gabrielle's words echoed in my head.

That was my problem. I never took any chances. Not since...

No, there was no point in remembering that character. The truth was that whenever I saw the slightest hint of risk, I put up my defenses and shielded my feelings. I was sick of being made to suffer, so I didn't give anyone a chance to get deep enough into my heart.

I shed a couple more tears and roughly wiped them away. It was absurd to mourn something I couldn't help, so I took a deep breath and told my friend to drive to a place where we could drink and dance until dawn.

I needed to keep my mind busy so I wouldn't end up going back to Harvey and asking him to give me another chance. It would have been the sensible thing to do, but no, that would be lowering myself and no... Aháva Mobarek doesn't lower herself in front of any man.

“Never again!” I chuckled.

After about ten minutes, the car pulled up in front of a place that looked crowded to the naked eye. I didn't care. I wanted to drink something strong and quiet my thoughts with loud music.

I got out of the car, followed by my friend. I reached into my bag and pulled out my cigarette case. I lit a cigarette and took a puff. I blew out the smoke very slowly and passed it to Gabrielle. I wasn't used to smoking much, just enough to let off some stress. Three puffs were enough. After consuming my required dose of nicotine, I gave it to my friend. She smoked more than I did.

I fixed my lace sleeves and tossed my hair to one side. I was wearing a pair of high-cut, tight-fitting faux leather pants. I adjusted the cups of my blouse, making sure my girls were in place.

I noticed a couple of guys walking past us, laughing. I glanced sideways at them, and although there was something in one of those smiles that looked familiar, I decided not to make a big deal out of it and go about my business.

“Give me some more,” I held out my hand for Gabrielle to pass me the cigarette. I took a puff and handed it back to her. “Okay, let's go in,” I said, blowing out the smoke and running my hands through my hair.

My friend took a last puff on her cigarette and threw it on the floor, extinguishing it with the sole of her shoe. Together we walked to the entrance of the nightclub.

“Aháva?” I heard a voice to my right. “Is that you?”