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Chapter Twenty
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2024-10-29 19:42:56I forced myself to ignore the news but I was a traitor of my own mind. Besides, having to go back to Brampton meant I had to face the inevitable eventually—I mean, I knew I wasn’t entirely a part of their circus (and I wasn’t even a voluntary accomplice) yet I was there to watch everything fall apart in front of my eyes…
I do feel guilty. But what can I do? Wasn’t I a victim, too? Why do I feel like everyone’s pining the fault to me when all I ever did is avoid him?
It wasn’t as if I could dictate myself whom to like—but at least I wasn’t stupid enough to actually stoop low.
Yet… I was the powerless one. I was an addition to the scene. Probably a pawn. Of course, I’d carry the weight of the burden they had to carry.
I hugged my knees as my bed is bathed in a faint yellow haze as sunlight rushes in through the windows. It has just been hours since we arrived in Brampton, and it already fee
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If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty One
When summer ended and everybody has been pulling their luggage back to their dorm rooms, it wasn’t that any different for me—I wake up, prep myself, and go straight to Rique’s café, where I’m spontaneously embraced by the aroma of brewing coffee beans every time I enter inside. I wouldn’t even deny—if there’d be anything comforting in this town, it’d be my daily dose of café work.I feel like even though it’s tiring to work around and balance days that seem fuzzy and too busy with demanding customers and every personification of a “Karen”, it’s just a job I won’t get tired of. It’d probably sound weird, but I’ve found coffee, the sound of the wind chimes whenever there’s a new customer, or even just the smallest things that happen in my job give me even the littlest kind of peace. It’s my safe haven.I tidied my uniform and looked at myself in the mirror
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty Two
The next morning seemed fuzzy—it was yet again the start of our classes and what keeps us from skipping is that we’re already on our final year: seniors to be exact. I was not scared of going to school, or terrified of the people for what they’re going to say about me… it was probably the jitters or the fear of not getting to graduate and disappointing myself. Senior year meant I shouldn’t just slack off. It would’ve been better if I viewed working at the café the same way as Mila: just a way to make extra money.But I wasn’t lucky enough to be like her. I needed to grind my ass off every day to bring food to my table and afford university requirements. Scholarships aren’t enough for me to survive, I needed to pay for my bills, and even probably for the air I breathe.I can’t wait when breath becomes air. Kidding.I woke up earlier than my alarm. I didn’t have to worry about cr
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty Three
If I could turn back time and record what Enrique said, I probably would. He sounded so serious, I even thought it was a different person! But even then, I was still grateful for what he’s done for me. I wouldn’t have been able to escape that if it weren’t for him.We were both engulfed in our own tiny little bubbles that silence reigned in between us the entire trip. I succumbed to where I usually suck but is my go-to during awkward times like these—my socials. Mila and Sophie told me I shouldn’t just let life revolve around my academics so I decided to give it a go—only for me to follow just an odd bunch of science stuff. People would say I don’t even look like a science geek, but I was that kind of person… I probably just lost it when I got older and started to fail some quizzes. Well, at least I can still secure that scholarship bag.“You aren’t hungry?” Enrique asked. I was about to answer ‘n
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty Four
For all the days that I was considering of (finally) taking to Drey, I kept myself busy—almost to the point that I wasn’t even thinking about him or any personal shenanigans anymore. I knew within me that it was my defense mechanism acting up. I just didn’t know if I could face him properly this time.It feels like I’d immediately drawback or not even listen to him. Sure, I want to tell him how much I hated him for all the days he’s been silent with everything that has been going on… but I didn’t have much strength. Just thinking about him being in front of me makes me feel nauseated or disgusted… but more so, the fear of breaking down the walls I’ve been building ever since.Even I can’t even understand what I was really feeling.Maybe it was the fear of actually telling someone what hurts me and the whatnots, or if he was, for me, fear personified. Or maybe it’s the absolute fear of him not un
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty Five
“Drey,” I uttered. The sound of his name tasted bitter the moment it slipped from my mouth. He looked different from the arrogant Drey that I knew. His blue eyes which seemed like the ocean that many were willing to drown in were bloodshot, his hair was a mess. He reeked of alcohol, and just when I was about to protest that idea, I realized that his family still owns this school. He’d do whatever he wants.Drey Punder.I was seeing a different one in front of me right now.“Go home,” I said. “You look like a mess. Do you want them to see you like that? Aren’t you even ashamed?”He smiled, “I’ve got nothing to lose now, Kath,” he said, tears starting to fall from his eyes. “They’re abandoning me and sending me back to my grandparents. I lost my job. I lost my shot in becoming the owner of this university. I lost everything… I lost you.” I bit my lower lip to stop mys
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty Six
If only I heard myself with a sane mind that moment, I would have probably withdrawn and sat by a corner and wore my cone of shame.In any way, I knew it was inevitable—one way or another, I’d still end up taking it on him or talking to him out of it even if it did not happen tonight. It might just not be how I imagined it would be… ever since then, I have always been playing a scene on my mind on how it would take place—I keep on telling myself that I should be calm, I should breathe, and talk in the most sensible way.Yet maybe that’s really what it does when anger keeps on building and building until it lingers within yourself without even realizing that you’re already a ticking bomb.And then you just explode.I was just grateful it wasn’t enough to derail me from my hopes of graduating on time. I still managed to pass our test despite my professor asking if I could even take the test since I did look like a
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty Seven
“Iced Café Latte for Andrea!” I called out, putting the cup on top of the counter before going back to the cashier. It has been months since I got back the courage to be on the cash register again and get orders. I’d hear questions now and then, but it wasn’t as frequent as before. They were right… the news comes and it goes, one day you're the talk of the town, the next thing you know, you're already a forgotten image.It does feel refreshing and peaceful—a few months back, I was the nobody that suddenly topped the charts for everyone to gossip about, and then it gradually fades until I was back to just being a working Psych student at Irdium. I’d still hear whispers whenever people recognize me, I knew it wasn’t really going to just fade into oblivion anyway.Truth be told, I almost lost my scholarship. It wasn’t impossible anyway, the school belonged to the Punders, yet Drey did not break any of his words
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Twenty Eight
The pares that we had yesterday felt like an energy refill, besides the fact that I had someone with me to enjoy the ambiance, it just felt like I was finally living the moment I have always wanted—a life where I realized that healing may not be linear, but it was a process too that made me feel alive somehow. For a moment, there were no thoughts that I was barely surviving.I felt like I was happier than before—than ever.I probably looked dumb when I realized I was smiling as I was turning the page of my book and removing the cap of the highlighter that I was holding using my teeth. Months flew so fast that we were already in our midyear through graduating. If I slacked off during summer classes, I can’t right now.Huh.Maybe going through that made me realize I was independent sure, but I wasn’t that mature. I was trying to be strong, but at the end of the day, I wasn’t even close to being one. I wanted t
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If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Author's Note
Hello everyone! Thank you so much for reading this novel. It really means so much to me as I've always wanted to write something in English. Show your support by giving some gems to this novel if you loved it! Drop some comments too! I don't know when I'll write another novel again, but I hope I'd be able to write another soon! You can interact with me by suggesting themes for my next novel and I'll keep that in mind when I'm ready again to write another. Thank you for reading Enrique and Kathrina's story! I wish you were able to learn some lessons from it. <3
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Special Chapter: Lyza
"It's so lovely," Kathrina gushes as she turns around in front of the mirror when she finally tried the wedding gown that I made for her. I smiled. "It fits you perfectly," I say. She turned around and pulled me into a hug. "Thank you... Lyza." It'd be hypocritical for me to say that I didn't hate Kathrina. I did. I thought if she didn't come into the picture, Drey and I would've been married already. And yet that's when I realized... I could've been married to my first love, but I'd live a life full of regrets and misery. Back then, I was so in love with Drey that maybe I didn't see how he was hurting, too. I even found it unfair that I was just there... waiting for him to tell me anything because I was stupid enough to believe that what we might have could be true. I mean... I did feel the love and support Drey gave me... but I felt like I was becoming more of a baggage for him to carry, instead. I've love
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Special Chapter: Drey
"You think you can already face it?" I remained mum as my therapist asks questions when I asked her if it'd be okay for me to attend Kathrina's wedding. At first it sounded bull--who'd invite someone who fucked her life before and think it'd probably be nice to watch you get married?I was like... fuck off.I was miserable as hell. I felt like she was mocking me for being miserable like this because I deserved it after screwing the hell out of her life.Yeah, sure. I fucking deserve it.My family didn't understand me first... that I almost wanted to cut ties with them, until I couldn't take it anymore and asked my psychiatrist to call for them and explain my situation. My mom was a doctor... until I think being one of the socialities sucked the soul out of her that she thought I was just joking just to escape the responsibilities.I know I was partly responsible for how I turned out. I should've just proved myself to them in a way wherein I'd lead
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Special Chapter: Enrique
"You aren't really crying now, huh?" my friend asked. I glared at him which made him chuckle as I was taking my handkerchief from my pocket."Dude stop," I say, wiping my face. I sighed. Suddenly it feels like the time slowed down along with the music that was playing."Stop transforming into a giraffe, Kath won't run." I glared at him, even asking him to stop, but of course--he just couldn't. Ah, why would I even question myself? He just loved teasing me everytime he gets the chance.I waited so long for this.So long.It's finally happening.Because I knew ever since, this is where we should be.Because the moment I first laid my eyes on her when I realized that I do love her... I promised myself already.Hell be damned, it's only her.It's her or no one for me.Dear God. I just love her so much.Tears fell down the moment the moment the doors opened, followed by my heavy breathings--I heard my best
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Epilogue
I blinked.Once.Thrice.My eyes were a little strained when I checked my eyes in front of the mirror. I haven't been sleeping a lot the past few days since the start of major research they assigned to me to spearhead, along with my thesis to finally graduate and get my Master's Degree. It has been a rough road ahead since I had to juggle with research and academic and therapy in between just so I won't lose myself in the process, but even then, I was happy.The past few years were difficult. There would be times that I don't even know where I'd get the strength to go on because I'd still feel empty every now and then. But at the end of the day, I'd still get the hang of it.The therapy was good... for the past few years it's one of the few good things that kept me sane even in times where relapses were getting worse, or I didn't realize I wasn't withdrawing away from the world again.But, I’m okay.I’ve already lear
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Sixty Five
Enrique seemed like he was taken aback by what I said which had me laughing."I'm not dreaming, right?""Huh?" I asked, teasing him as if I didn't what I had just said."You said something..." his voice was laced with sadness but I went on with the act."I wasn't saying anything," I uttered. "Did you hear a ghost?"Enrique pouted.I smiled."I love you," I repeated which caught him off-guard again."For real?"I chuckled."For real... this time."My mouth went agape when I realized that tears were welling in his eyes but he didn't care, even when they started to fall. I suddenly felt sad that I made him wait for so long just so I could be sure with my feelings, but I wanted to find the right time--where I wouldn't even question myself if my feelings were right or wrong.I wanted to be sure of him. Without any reservations, without a doubt.I wanted to love him unconditionally
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Sixty Four
I couldn't sleep much last night so I ended up plotting what I'd do for the rest of the week with Enrique. If it's possible, I would really come to the opening of Sophie's clothing line, although I already promised I'd watch it with them on Zoom--it's the least I can do to support my friend.The week was filled with a lot of stuff I wanted to do--although they're not very much "exciting" since I wanted Enrique to relax around the town, too, instead of some physical stuff even if I wanted to. The last time I checked, I still find it hilarious that Enrique's actually scared of heights which I never really expected!I smiled as I was buttoning my attire in front of the mirror. I was fidgety--my hands almost shivering with every move. I'll be meeting the research team today and I can't even believe that within just a few months, I'm already here.It's too surreal.I took a deep breath in as I pulled the hems of my blouse, "I can do it," I whispered, smiling w
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Sixty Three
I didn't know what has gotten into me to muster up the courage to hold Enrique's hand like that. I felt really embarrassed after, and Enrique was even teasing me about it when he called after he got to his condo here in Cambridge.It would probably be nice if we could live together...I shook my head with that thought and laid on my bed as I stare at my ceiling. The room was just the perfect amount of dim since I turned on the dim lights.Apparently, Enrique asked for a week-long vacation in exchange for finishing all that's needed for the company and the requirements for a new branch in Toronto. Although he could just ask someone else to do it and finish everything for him, Enrique said it's his responsibility so he had to face it by himself. If he's not facing everything on his own, it'd just make him dependent to other people and he didn't want that.Well as for me, I felt a little better... but Enrique wasn't a cure, nor Drey. Sure, talking to Drey an
If It's All The Same [COMPLETED] Chapter Sixty Two
I blinked.Once.Thrice.Yet I still couldn't process how it all went down to this--Enrique and Drey were facing each other. Apparently, Enrique wanted to surprise me that he flew to Cambridge (which really touched my heart, thank you very much) but seeing them in front of me as if they were going to throw punches anytime was scaring the shit out of me.I mean... sure, I had a mistake there. I ignored Enrique's calls and didn't even tell him that Drey was around the town--but I wanted to talk to him after Drey and I talk because sure enough, I knew who I was going to choose.It was Enrique.It has been Enrique all along.When I saw Drey back then, I thought I still had these lingering feelings because I still felt the anger and the need to tell him everything in my mind, yet... it was all just that--it was all anger and the guilt that I harbored for many months even when I already told him what I wanted to tell a couple of months ago.
