Chapter One

April 12th 2014.

It seemed like this was something new and it was, a forced experience that I had demanded myself to make before it was too late and before anyone could stop me, again. Because they always do, stop and pester me into their routes and ways that they paved so happily for me.

Why was it so important? And most importantly, why me? 

Ongoing questions that I'll never have answers to. 

Like always. I've been left completely confused.

All my life I've obeyed every single stupid and utterly ridiculous rule that had been set out for me— unfortunately there were always too many to count. 

A lap dog was what i had been. 

A pretty little lapdog that acted like it too. 

But not any longer— today, right now was the end of the era. I was tired of being a lapdog, I wanted— no. I needed more in life. I was tired of following the rules and living a life to everyone else's expectations. I was done with it.

I hated it, everything about it, the controlling mostly. It was a never ending case with me, it was always constant and on the go as if the mere thought to stop would cause death or something much worst  because there are so many things that are in fact worst than death itself— trust me when I say it because I've lived painfully through it.

Running away from it all was the only thing I knew and could think of and so far, I seemed to be really good at it.

It's because I'm weak and pathetic.

I like telling myself that. 

Today was one of those days where the sun shone so bright that the clouds weren't visible but maybe that's because I'm seated so stiffly against the window seat— my leg kept bouncing up and down and this old woman next to me, she's getting annoyed with it. I can tell my the side glares to my face and honestly I don't even care at this point— plane rides scare me to the extreme, it always has. 

And the truth is, the plane isn't the only thing that is currently scaring me, many things are swarming through my clouded mind right now, stressing me more than ever.

I feel like I could burst at any moment from my internal banter, hurt, pain, betrayal and mostly my amplified anger.

Although. . . somehow I think I've already burst long ago.

But maybe I just didn't realize it. . . until now.  .  .

It's always until now. It's always been leading up to now, the most goddamn inevitable thing to happen, obviously.

It's been an hour now, I think. I stopped focusing on anything that didn't need my attention after everything decided to hit me in my face like a damn explosion.

I'm not even sure how I feel at this point, what do I need to feel, to expect, as I continue thinking about things, about this disaster and self destruction, sometimes it's like that, I numb out my pain because it's always been so constant that eventually I started learning to live through the pain.

A question continues to remain in my mind when I try to clear my mind, why, why me, why always me? Just why.

It's scary to think that people can change with hours, seconds. It's torturous to even think about anymore and I need to stop, to stop thinking about it like a mantra.

Then,

His back in my mind.

Haunting and teasing me with his heart stopping smiles and smirks, the way his eyes twinkle at night, un—

Stop it.

Just. . . stop it, please.

I've always had my doubts, about him, about her. It's always her. I had that annoying bubbling feeling within me that always seemed to leave me feeling uneasy and always reminded me of things I didn't want to think about, things like how I wasn't and would never be good enough for anyone, especially him, mostly him, the boy who has my heart in the palms of his hands, squeezing painfully.

Memories flood my mind when I try falling off to sleep, to at least have some peace from my already messed up mind but this memories, the good and the bad, storm inside my head. . . It's almost impossible to cope with.

The sudden urge I have wants me to turn back around, get off this plane and run back home, to stop this madness.

But I know the result that it would further cause.

Lying.

Manipulation.

And everything else to win me over.

I need to do this for myself, to allow myself to be set free from my haunting and my demons. I am strong. I can do it.

The plans jerks, my grip on the arm rest tightens and I squeeze my eyes shut, not liking the view of the machine starting to lift up and float in the air, not to mention how the whole metal machine shakes at first, as a tremor.

I take in deep breath, trying to calm myself down until my lungs are fully satisfied with my deep, helpful breathing.

I've got this.

I tell myself, hoping and praying for it to be true.

A street name, I try to remember the name of the street in New York City that I need to get to once the plane lands.

After that. I'll be good and work and be free, finally.

I know that change is hard and extremely difficult to go through but I'm one hundred percent positive that this change is going to be good, to do me good, to make me feel and be better, to learn to accept and be independent.

Right now, I need to focus on me. I need to be better and do better for myself and only for myself because that's how everyone works and thinks anyway right?

For themselves.

So now, I, too, have to be selfish like that.

My heart— my broken, beaten down and silly little heart doesn't understand and continues having this ongoing debate with my mind, mixing up and confusing my senses.

I ignore it because love isn't always right.

It also isn't always good either, it's everything and nothing.