April 12th 2014.
It seemed like this was something new and it was, a forced experience that I had demanded myself to make before it was too late and before anyone could stop me, again. Because they always do, stop and pester me into their routes and ways that they paved so happily for me.
Why was it so important? And most importantly, why me?
Ongoing questions that I'll never have answers to.
Like always. I've been left completely confused.
All my life I've obeyed every single stupid and utterly ridiculous rule that had been set out for me— unfortunately there were always too many to count.
A lap dog was what i had been.
A pretty little lapdog that acted like it too.
But not any longer— today, right now was the end of the era. I was tired of being a lapdog, I wanted— no. I needed more in life. I was tired of following the rules and living a life to everyone else's expectations. I was done with it.
I hated it, everything about it, the controlling mostly. It was a never ending case with me, it was always constant and on the go as if the mere thought to stop would cause death or something much worst because there are so many things that are in fact worst than death itself— trust me when I say it because I've lived painfully through it.
Running away from it all was the only thing I knew and could think of and so far, I seemed to be really good at it.
It's because I'm weak and pathetic.
I like telling myself that.
Today was one of those days where the sun shone so bright that the clouds weren't visible but maybe that's because I'm seated so stiffly against the window seat— my leg kept bouncing up and down and this old woman next to me, she's getting annoyed with it. I can tell my the side glares to my face and honestly I don't even care at this point— plane rides scare me to the extreme, it always has.
And the truth is, the plane isn't the only thing that is currently scaring me, many things are swarming through my clouded mind right now, stressing me more than ever.
I feel like I could burst at any moment from my internal banter, hurt, pain, betrayal and mostly my amplified anger.
Although. . . somehow I think I've already burst long ago.
But maybe I just didn't realize it. . . until now. . .
It's always until now. It's always been leading up to now, the most goddamn inevitable thing to happen, obviously.
It's been an hour now, I think. I stopped focusing on anything that didn't need my attention after everything decided to hit me in my face like a damn explosion.
I'm not even sure how I feel at this point, what do I need to feel, to expect, as I continue thinking about things, about this disaster and self destruction, sometimes it's like that, I numb out my pain because it's always been so constant that eventually I started learning to live through the pain.
A question continues to remain in my mind when I try to clear my mind, why, why me, why always me? Just why.
It's scary to think that people can change with hours, seconds. It's torturous to even think about anymore and I need to stop, to stop thinking about it like a mantra.
Then,
His back in my mind.
Haunting and teasing me with his heart stopping smiles and smirks, the way his eyes twinkle at night, un—
Stop it.
Just. . . stop it, please.
I've always had my doubts, about him, about her. It's always her. I had that annoying bubbling feeling within me that always seemed to leave me feeling uneasy and always reminded me of things I didn't want to think about, things like how I wasn't and would never be good enough for anyone, especially him, mostly him, the boy who has my heart in the palms of his hands, squeezing painfully.
Memories flood my mind when I try falling off to sleep, to at least have some peace from my already messed up mind but this memories, the good and the bad, storm inside my head. . . It's almost impossible to cope with.
The sudden urge I have wants me to turn back around, get off this plane and run back home, to stop this madness.
But I know the result that it would further cause.
Lying.
Manipulation.
And everything else to win me over.
I need to do this for myself, to allow myself to be set free from my haunting and my demons. I am strong. I can do it.
The plans jerks, my grip on the arm rest tightens and I squeeze my eyes shut, not liking the view of the machine starting to lift up and float in the air, not to mention how the whole metal machine shakes at first, as a tremor.
I take in deep breath, trying to calm myself down until my lungs are fully satisfied with my deep, helpful breathing.
I've got this.
I tell myself, hoping and praying for it to be true.
A street name, I try to remember the name of the street in New York City that I need to get to once the plane lands.
After that. I'll be good and work and be free, finally.
I know that change is hard and extremely difficult to go through but I'm one hundred percent positive that this change is going to be good, to do me good, to make me feel and be better, to learn to accept and be independent.
Right now, I need to focus on me. I need to be better and do better for myself and only for myself because that's how everyone works and thinks anyway right?
For themselves.
So now, I, too, have to be selfish like that.
My heart— my broken, beaten down and silly little heart doesn't understand and continues having this ongoing debate with my mind, mixing up and confusing my senses.
I ignore it because love isn't always right.
It also isn't always good either, it's everything and nothing.
Emily Collin - June 5th 2014Clinic's were always so cold and made you feel all weird inside, an uneasiness that set your fears on high and I didn't like it.I never did, to be honest.“Hi,” I greet the old grey haired woman who looks much too tired to function that I almost feel bad for her, almost just not fully. “My name is Emily Collins. I'm here for my checkup?” I say once the woman whose tag states, jemma, across it.She sends me a warm and kind smile, nodding her head, she gestures for me to take a seat and I do.I watch in silence as she taps away on her computer screen, busy with important work maybe and her old fashioned glasses looks ready to fall off her face any second now. I can practically hear the sound of it banging against that steel desk and I shudder.“Em,” my nickname is called
Emily Collins- December 12th 2015“I thought we had one more week!” I hear a familiar voice screaming as I'm rushed down the long halls and into the maternity ward. “What the fuck!” Again, he screams, confused.I almost find myself wanting to laugh at my friend's confusion and worried face but the pain from this is way too much and all I can afford to do right now is grimace in his direction, hoping he knows that currently, this is hilarious in my mind because of his constant cursing at everyone.He is a mess right now and I don't blame him, I'm scared too and Jasmine looks much too happy to focus on her fear. I don't blame her either because I, too, am happy, so goddamn happy.Another sickening pain pierces through my lower half and I swear, I'm not being dramatic when I cry from the pain of early child birth.“Don't you da
Emily Collins.As soon as I opened my apartment door, I heard the, usual commotion of my son and bestfriend arguing over something, again.“That is not how it works, little guy.”“It is! You do not know anything so— so— so—!”Archer is pointing an accusing finger at Alex and his face is all scrunched up into a cute but angry scowl when I enter the living room and I quietly laugh to myself at his loss of words. “A duck, you are a duck so you don't know anything uncle Alex!”“Heeeeey! What did I say, uh, what did I say about calling me uncle out in the open like that? What would the girls think?”“That you're old and annoying and cranky—”“Ugh, I can never win with you, god!”Jasmine laughs lou
Emily Collins.“I think you should try a more modern look, for your hair and makeup because everything else is vintage, no? It would look nice but that's just my opinion.” I tell the nervous looking bride and bride's mates in front of me. “Just relax. It's not that stressful, I promise you that you will still look beautiful no matter what.” I assure her.Sarah is one of my recent clients, recent as in eight months ago! And today she came in for a last minute appointment, it was a stress run for her.I had to reassure her about everything, again, for the third time but I didn't mind because this was basically my everyday thing with the bride's and groom's, they were always so nervous and stressed.“Uhmm,” She bites her lips while in deep thought and then she smiles, probably figuring it out by herself
Emily Collins.As soon as I opened my apartment door, I heard the, usual commotion of my son and bestfriend arguing over something, again.“That is not how it works, little guy.”“It is! You do not know anything so— so— so—!”Archer is pointing an accusing finger at Alex and his face is all scrunched up into a cute but angry scowl when I enter the living room and I quietly laugh to myself at his loss of words. “A duck, you are a duck so you don't know anything uncle Alex!”“Heeeeey! What did I say, uh, what did I say about calling me uncle out in the open like that? What would the girls think?”“That you're old and annoying and cranky—”“Ugh, I can never win with you, god!”Jasmine laughs lou
Emily Collins.Connor watches Alex with careful eyes and I know why he does it. His never been one for confrontation or anything with fighting and Alex is an intimidating figure.Two successfully people in the same room is deadly serious.Especially when both these people are off male inhabitants.Alex is tall and has dark hair, the way he dresses and speaks and even walks, it's all too steady and calm, as if he always knew his next step, next move. Sometimes that alone freaked me out.Another thing that I know about is that Jasmine probably rushed out off here, faster than a lightning bolt and he must have sensed something is wrong with her because she is hardly ever in a rush, even so, if she is, she'd still talk and make conversations, regardless. It's a somewhat good and bad habit of hers but you eventually get used to it and her sometimes tard
Emily Collins.One thing that I hated,Had to be the fact that my sleep broke.And I wouldn't ever be able to fall back asleep again, that was torturous for me, staying wide awake in the silence with only your wicked thoughts to get and keep you going. Can you imagine that? For me? It meant I were to constantly have an internal battle with myself.I was comfortable right now and refused to leave this warm, cuddly bed so I endured the little torture I was put through, once again, by myself.Working odd hours everyday, does this, tires and exhaust me to the point that when Sunday's roll around, my routine sometimes take a little dip and instead of waking up at eight, it's already thirty minutes past ten and yet, I still want to go back to sleep and never want to wake up, until tomorrow, that is.“Archer?” I knock on his doo
Alex Henderson.Archer stomped his small feet, damn loud, in front of me and i could tell it was annoying the rest of the people around but really I didn't give a fuck about them.The boy really did whatever he wanted.Either way, I could tell him to stop and he won't.I huffed and he turned to look at me grinning widely, that was doom, I knew it too. “What's with the devil's look, huh?” I question, watching him with careful eyes and he shrugs his shoulders, still smiling.“Are you coming with us?”“Where?”He looks irritated at my lack of attention and glares at me and reaches out, pinching my leg. “Ow! What the fuck, man?” I hiss, stopping to sooth the now aching leg and he laughs.“10 buckroos for my swear jar!” He happily chirps.