Hold Back

I wake up in a room painted with white color.

Where am I? What am I doing here?

I was about to stand when I saw my hand with dextrose and the guy sleeping next to me was Alex.

Alex?

I check my watch and it's already 3 in the morning. I've been sleeping for too long. I can see, it was Alex who rescued me from that freaking library.

Why, Alex?

He moved a little and opened his eyes. He is intently looking at me. I got so nervous that I couldn't understand what to do. He looked so scary. I can see how fierce his gaze is, just like the first time we met. There is always hatred in his eyes.

I can't find any words to thank him. I've been swallowing my saliva several times while observing every inch of his movement. Carefully, I don't want him to notice.

He suddenly stood up. "You're awake? Stupid!" he said softly.

I don't know how to respond to those words. All I know is I'm having a heart attack right now from thinking too much about what happened in the library. I was really afraid. It seems I've been traumatized by what happened there.

He walked out of the room and banged on the door.

Really?

I don't know if I will be mad at him or not because of what he did. I can't thank him enough for saving me. I slowly moved my head looking for my things and everything was intact including my phone.

So I texted him.

Thank you.

The only reply that he made was just an exclamatory point. I don't know if he's angry or if he's still annoying me.

A few minutes later, he texted back.

Get rest. You looked even more ugly!

I smiled the moment I read his text. I don't know, but I find it sweet. It's not the usual type of annoying message he sent to me. Maybe because he wanted me to get back my energy or I'm just really assuming things that I should not.

That was the first time my heart skipped a beat, not because I hated him but because I was starting to like him.

Am I falling for him? Really?

End of flashback.

It makes me smile in silence while reminiscing when Ken (Kenneth Jay Montero), my loyal suitor approaches me.

"Hey, Alex! You're here?" he said between his smile. He is walking towards me, bringing with him his handy bag. He is wearing a white polo shirt that adds a compliment to his cuteness. I can see his two deep dimples that make him more attractive while smiling at me.

"Yeah! Yes, Ken" I responded with a smile, too.

He had been courting me for more than three years. Even if I said I was not ready to be in a relationship yet, he didn't stop pursuing me. Call me a martyr, but I still can't get over my past relationship.

I was planning to end his courtship and start a relationship with him by the end of the month. Maybe it's about time to give him the chance. Maybe, three years was enough to prove his himself that he was really into me. Ken is handsome with a very strong charisma. He is a graduate of Mechanical Engineer and is currently working as an Engineer at a very well-known company here in Manila. I've been pushing him away from me several times, but still, he wouldn't stop pursuing me.

"If you are not busy can I invite you to have dinner with me?" he asked.

"Yeah, Sure!" I answered without hesitation.

Ken is a good person and I can see through his eyes how he likes me. He never courted anyone but me since the day he started courting me. I know he is a loyal type of guy and that he would never look for another girl if ever we became lovers. I just don't know what's stopping me from accepting him to be my lover.

Many girls in our school had a crush on him. I can still remember once, how freshmen students were giggling over him. I can't deny the fact that they are a bloodline of beauty. His father was a half-German while his mother was a descendant of Mexican blood. Their bloodline was a killer of beauty. All of them are also kind-hearted and generous. I've been in trouble several times because of his Fan's Club, which obviously hated me for being with him all the time. Yes, you heard it right; Fan's Club. I keep wondering why he likes me, even if many girls are chasing him. But after all the drama of his Fan's Club, he still chooses me over them.

Ken never fails to take care of me all the time. He is also a family-oriented man. We're not yet together, but he's already introduced me to his family. His family was always good to me from the day I met them. I haven't heard or seen any bad things from them. Tita Fritz and Tito Marco were always treating me nicely from day one, including their daughters, Micah and Trish. I felt so welcomed by them that they even invited me to come over to their house even without occasion. Not only did I keep Ken waiting for my answer, but I genuinely enjoyed being around them. I experienced many things that I wasn't able to experience with my parents before.

I know how much he wanted to treat me to a very expensive restaurant, but I kept on refusing. He knows I only love eating at McDonalds, my all-time favorite fast food. I don't like him wasting his money on me. We just shared countless stories while enjoying our dinner. Actually, he has no choice but to listen to my nonsense stories.

After we had our dinner, he drove me home safely. It's really nice being around Ken. It's just that I really can't find the courage yet to be his girlfriend. I know still, something is missing.

If I start being his lover, will I find the missing piece?

Continuation of flashback.

Alex and I met again during community service. I started the conversation but I failed again.

"Alex, about last night-"

"Don't want to talk about it," he interrupted.

"Anyways! Thanky-"

"I said, don't want to talk any of it!" he said angrily. I can see the gaze of his eyes full of hatred. "Shut-up! Just work quietly!"

I wasn't able to talk but to silence myself. I just followed him with my eyes staring at him while he was putting a headset to his ears. I don't know how to approach him. Maybe he's back again in his ignorant, arrogant attitude, so I ignored him.

I look at my watch and we are about to end our work. Same as usual, he still acts like a stupid jerk in front of me. He still doesn't want to talk to me or even glance at me, but he still gives me water and a towel. He acts weird and it gives me a headache every time he acts like one. He is hard to read. I don't know if he's a jerk naturally or if he is just bipolar.

I walked home silently. I didn't receive any texts and calls, or even friend requests and messages.

He is not annoying me today and I missed it somehow.

Should I text him?

Is it okay?

What if he wouldn't reply?

I rolled myself in bed. I felt uneasy. I waited until midnight, but no trace of Alex. I unblocked him and started stalking his F* account.

His last post was...

I need to hold back.

What does it mean?

What do you need to hold back?

I checked his timeline once again, but I found nothing. Nothing more, nothing less.

I can't help myself but think about him.

I don't know, maybe something is wrong.

Is there a problem?

I kept questioning myself until I remembered the things that had happened yesterday.

How did he know that I was in the library? Did he rescue me or did the guard do? Why is he in the hospital the moment I wake up? How did he get my things?

I walk back in forth in front of my bed while holding my phone. I typed a message and pretended to send it to a group.

The sun is still sleeping; the moon is casting its shadow. But why can't I close my eyes and rest with the sun?

Still up? Text me!

-GM-

But I intentionally sent that message only to Alex.

Is he still awake? Did he read the text?

I type another message.

Who's still up? Beep me!

-GM-

But he is not replying.

Is he asleep?

I guess he is already sleeping. Of course, it was late, and I was the only one who felt uneasy waiting for his reply.

I visited his timeline.

This time, I made a friend request.

Awkward as it is, but I wanted to talk to him about what happened last night. I have many questions to ask and I wanted to thank him wholeheartedly. I wanted to settle the bad things that we had before and start anew.

I keep rolling in my bed. I looked at my phone intently. I stood and went to bed a few times because I couldn't sleep. I tried to close my eyes, but my mind was still playing.

I went to the kitchen to drink water, hoping that I could ease myself from thinking of him. It was almost 3 in the morning and I still couldn't make myself to sleep. I wanted to have answers to my endless questions.

I waited for a couple of minutes, sitting on the sofa while playing with the bottle of glass I'd been holding. I stood up and walked back and forth in front of the kitchen table once again. I went back to the living room and sat on the sofa while looking at my watch, it's 3:15 in the morning.

I walked back to my room and typed a message on my phone.

Alexx?

I erased it again.

Hey, Alex?

I erased it again.

Still up?

I erased the message for the third time.

Alex? Still up?

I erased it again.

Hey? Are you there?

I erased it again.

Still up?

And to my distress, I finally turned off my phone.

Is he asleep?

I opened my F* for the nth time while reading the newsfeed. I just hit the like button on the friends' posts out of boredom. It's been minutes since I saw a notification on the upper part of my phone. Alex Alonzo is online. My heart suddenly skipped a beat. I rolled myself again and again in my bed. I saw the badge of his messenger and he is indeed online.

I don't know how and why I should approach him at this hour, but out of my eagerness, I typed his number.

Erased it again.

Type it again.

Erased it again.

For the last time, I press the call sign on my phone.

"Miss me?"

I wasn't able to hear the ring on the other line. He is indeed wide awake at this hour.

...to be continued.