How long do I have to live?

- I regret to inform you that you have endometriosis. - said the doctor.

endometriosis. Okay, I've heard of it. But I never Googled the meaning.

- And... Is this serious? I asked worriedly.

- Endometriosis is when the endometrium, which is this mucosa... - He showed in the kind of toy he had containing a uterus and all its parts that he had on the table. – Which lines the inside of your uterus, grows in other regions of the body...

- Like this? I arched an eyebrow in panic.

- Calm down... I'll take all your doubts. Continuing: monthly the endometrium gets thicker so that an egg, after being fertilized, can implant in it. When there is no pregnancy, it flakes off and is expelled during menstruation. Endometriosis is when some of these cells are not expelled and fall into the ovaries or abdominal cavity, where they multiply and bleed again. So they can spread to other parts of the body, such as the intestine, bladder, peritoneum... – he was showing each organ that he spoke with the pen, in its plastic female prototype.

- What are the causes? - I was curious.

- The causes are not yet completely known. But two factors that are currently taken into account is that it may be genetic. Does your mother have?

- I don't know... My mother is already dead. Maybe I could have developed it, but I have no way of knowing. But my grandmother sure as hell not.

- Another hypothesis is that it is related to possible deficiencies of the immune system.

- So my intense cramps that seem to kill me are for this reason?

- Basically, yes.

- Do you feel pain during sexual intercourse?

- I... I haven't had sex in a while.

He looked at me, looking surprised.

- And... When you had sex... Did you feel pain?

- Sometimes ... But I can't take that into account. My partner was… How can I explain… – I tried to find the right words.

- Well, you don't have to explain it to me, Miss Novaes. So, was it in pain?

I nodded, sure he didn't want to hear my eight-year history with Jardel.

- You are young. This disease impacts pregnancy. That is, it is one of the causes that makes it more difficult for this to happen. But of course it can be reversed with proper treatment. As you haven't had sex for a while, as you told me, you shouldn't be interested in getting pregnant for now, am I right?

I nodded, again. My voice didn't come out and I tried to keep the thousand thoughts running through my head from driving me completely crazy, since I was dizzy.

Did I want to get pregnant? Honestly, I never thought about that. My life was focused on study, work and an ex - boyfriend who wasn't even worth wasting time thinking about him.

But at the same time, maybe I didn't want to have a child with Jardel. I was young... Okay, not so much. But I was hoping to meet someone else one day, I don't know exactly when. What if he didn't have kids either? So... Would we ever have a baby?

My maternal instinct today was zero. But maybe in the future it wouldn't. How would I know? For now, I didn't care if I got pregnant or not. I was sick...

- How long do I have to live? I heard myself asking, looking at nothing.

I heard the doctor laugh as he leaned back in his chair, wiping the tears that fell from his eyes.

- Doctor, are you laughing at me? – I asked bewildered.

- I'm sorry, Miss Novaes. But I really found your question funny. I thought you made me understand that there is treatment.

- So I'm not going to live with this forever, am I right?

- Although we didn't find out at the beginning of the disease, since you don't go to the gynecologist a... - He looked at the computer. - Four years?

- Yes ... But I can justify.

- He can?

- I... I was full of work. Making a specialization. Lot of study. And I still had a boyfriend... And he gave me a lot of headache, believe me.

- So... In 365 days a year, finding 30 minutes to visit the doctor and do the preventive was that difficult?

I sighed, leaning back in the chair.

- Sounds like a lie, but I forgot about myself for a while... Focusing on someone else.

- It should always focus on you too, Miss Novaes.

- I know, doctor. And believe me, everyone told me that.

- Well, I'm going to prescribe some medication to control the pain during the menstrual period and to prevent the progression of the disease. We will follow up regularly and we cannot rule out surgery to remove affected areas.

- I... I've never had surgery...

- Just a hypothesis... If you do the treatment the same way you go to your gynecologist, for example.

My eyes glazed in his direction. What a sarcastic and cruel gynecologist.

- A healthy diet and physical exercise help reduce symptoms, although they are not enough to solve the entire problem.

I took the prescription, the exams filed in a folder, along with all my agony and said goodbye to him.

As soon as I got off the elevator on the ground floor and saw daylight outside the building, I took out my cell phone:

- G****e, tell me all about endometriosis.

I listened as I headed home, walking.

The appointment was late in the afternoon and it was still thirty minutes late. The day had been free, as my temp job ended last week.

So now I had to look for another job, because money didn't fall from the sky. And on top of that, I had this endometriosis that wasn't simple at all.

When G****e finished talking, I got the impression that Dr. Gynecologist might have copied everything he told me from there. Or he explained it very well, because Mr G****e didn't have any news beyond what I was told.

I arrived in front of my building and got tired just thinking about going up the stairs. The damn elevator spent more time broken than it worked. That's what it was like to live in an old building. They charged an absurd amount of condominium for a bad service provided.

The place where I lived was in the center of Noriah North, close to almost everything. Although the rent was high, it reduced transportation expenses. I share rent with two friends: Benício, who we called Ben, and Salma.

Salma was my friend since forever. We came together from the city where we lived to share the rent and study. I went to college and she went to be a dancer in a nightclub. He never even passed in front of the college.

Ben I met in college. And since I saw him the first time, I knew we would be best friends. A month later he moved in with us because it was closer to college.

The amazing thing is that we didn't take the same course and by coincidence, in the first subject we took, which was basic and involved almost all courses, we met and it was love at first sight.

I climbed the stairs, counting my steps, already wondering if it would be good for my endometriosis. Well, it was still a physical exercise. That's how poor was: he made the daily rush physical exercise. I dreamed of one day being able to live a different life, without having to count the cents to pay the bills at the end of the month. As well as being less unlucky with everything that happened in my life.

Because honestly, sometimes I thought that God put me on earth and said: “Let's see how much this Bárbara Novaes can handle. Hmm... I think I'll test the strength of the women in her”. So I looked at him and gave him the middle finger and said:

- Is that all you have for me? Send more than I can bear.

And so He got mad at me and kept sending bad things... Until now. He even thought: "Where she lives, I'm going to end her peace." “Elevator, stop working”. Then someone would come and fix it. "Elevator, stop again." God didn't give up when it came to me.

My deal with God is that I was forced to go to mass on Sundays with my grandmother. She always said it took faith to get things done. And even though I've been in God's house all this time, He hasn't been fair to me at all. Then one day I decided that I would no longer believe in Him . And I would no longer exercise my faith. I would look for what I needed alone.

What is certain is that every time life tried to bring me down, it would win a middle finger in return.

I opened the door and saw Ben and Salma sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and watching a cliché movie, the kind we've watched 435 times and still cried at the end. Yes, we had a selection of films per list: “to cry”, “to scream”, “to laugh”, “to pretend to see”.

- Babi, come watch a movie with us. - Ben called, giving me space next to him.

I sat down and saw the scene from “A love to remember”.

- You don't need this movie to cry. I said, grabbing a handful of popcorn. – Cry listening to what I discovered today at the gynecologist.

The two looked at me.

- Speak up, Baby. - Salma looked at me, curious.

- I have a disease called endometriosis.

- Babi, this is not so serious. And there's medicine. My mother has. Ben looked back at the TV.

- Ben, don't do this to me. Tell me all about it, please.

- After the movie is over, sweetheart. He pulled me close to his body.

Ben was the kind of person that being a friend was a privilege: caring, smart, and faithful. He was thin, had long hair, which he usually used for creative and original hairstyles. His eyes were clear and his skin was porcelain-like, which he shaved daily and used as much cream as he could manage throughout the day.

He was trained in fashion and worked at a magazine. Ben was a woman who was born by accident into a man's body. It was the one that God, when he went to put it in the body, ended up getting confused and putting it in the wrong one. And my friend to fight.

Although I'd been with Salma most of my life, Ben had my heart and was much wiser in advice.

Once the movie was over, Ben reassured me about the illness. Hearing him speak so calmly and simply did me good.

- Did you get a job? – Salma asked, while fetching water from the fridge, wearing only baggy panties and a torn white T-shirt, the ones that look like they came from the war.

- Nothing... Nothing. I grumbled , annoyed.

- It's only been a week, Babi. – Ben said. - You'll find something soon.

- I'm tired of temporary jobs. Besides being paid badly, I don't have any benefits. A year that I jump from branch to branch. - I complained .

- You don't have to be jobless. There's always a vacancy for a dancer in Babylon.

I arched an eyebrow and laughed:

- You still haven't given up on me, Salma?

- Of course. You would make a great dancer. Perfect body, beautiful... You would be hired on the spot, Babi.

- Without belittling your work, friend, but I didn't study for that. Besides, can you imagine me dancing in a glass box while everyone looks at me? - I started to laugh. – I pay not to be noticed.

- Not to mention the fact that if any man had fun with her, Babi would be able to rip his heart out with her bare hands. – Ben completed.

- I already said I'm not a call girl, guys. – Salma justified herself as she drank the water from her own bottle.

- I didn't mean that, Salma. – Ben justified himself.

- I want to know when you guys go there, to see what I really do.

- When we have money, fine. Ben rolled his eyes. “The down payment is almost half my salary as a celebrity fashion commentator, newcomer to a seedy magazine.

We started to laugh.

- In my case, I don't even have a salary. But honestly, I think they pay you very well, Salma. But of course the entrance is also very high. But yes, I want to visit that place one day. And see if the dancers really don't get involved with the regulars.

- I swear not, Babi.

- Even if it was... I have nothing to do with your life and your choices, friend.

- Your opinion matters. - Said Salma. “Just as you should have taken ours into account and not wasted eight years of your life.

- Do you really want to talk about Jardel?

- Yea. – the two said at the same time.