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37. Sword Art Offline
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2021-09-13 17:13:29Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 38. Rogue Ogre
“Everyone stay calm,” shouted Sonny, although we were all just standing there in shock. The only one really panicking was Sonny’s horse, which he had tied to a large log. The terrified animal was trying to rip its reins free but looked more likely to break its own neck.Sonny backed away from the ogre as it slowly lumbered towards us. “Looks like this is a fight you won’t be able to pass on.” He grinned at me. “No need to worry, we can handle this. No problemo. Just do what I tell you and we’ll teach this bastard to crash our barbie.” He pulled out his sword. “Right, everyone fan out. Form a line. Make sure to keep at least ten paces between you.”We did as he instructed and spread out. The ogre stopped as we moved in different directions. Its head moved from side to side as it tried to decide who to go for first.“Listen up!” said Sonny from slightly behind our line. “This is real simple. One person tries to attract its attention. When it starts moving towards tha
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 39. The Goodbye Girls
We got back on the road and started walking. It was already dark and we were tired, but no one felt like waiting around.I still wasn’t sure what to make of my companions’ view of me. I don’t think you could call it a compliment. Given the choice of superhero powers, I’m pretty sure most people wouldn’t consider being able to spot a dickhead at five hundred paces an insta-pick.To be honest, though, I had no magical spidey-sense when it came to horrible people (despite Claire’s theory that my ‘gift’ was due to the old playground adage of ‘it takes one to know one’). A more accurate description would be to say I considered everyone I met to be a dick, and statistical probability just happened to always be in my favour.“Do you think he’ll come after us?” asked Maurice.“Sonny? I doubt it,” I replied. “He hasn’t got a horse so he’ll probably go to the farm to get one. Of course, he’s going to bad mouth us to the farmer, but that might turn out to be a good thi
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 40. Fengarad City Limits
The vision in the distance gave us all a boost. We set off again with renewed purpose, eyes fixed on our goal, although I couldn’t help but occasionally glance backwards to see if there was anyone on our tail.Whatever Sonny was up to, we didn’t seem to be his main priority as there was no sign of him.The trees remained as belts on either side of the road, but the forest had faded away and now we were flanked by farmlands. Farmhouses appeared at regular intervals and we even saw people working in the fields.By the end of the day, the city’s outline had become clear and distinct. A high wall with turrets, behind which rose an assortment of tall buildings, dwarfed by a series of spires. Rather than rest for the night, we excitedly pushed on.By sunrise the next morning, we were exhausted but within a stone’s throw of the city walls. The most noticeable feature from this distance, however, wasn’t the architecture, it was the huge line of people. As we got clo
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 41. The Commander And The Princess
Commander Ducane stood up. He gravely shook his head. “It seems I owe you the thanks of my people, and also my personal apology.”I had no idea what he was talking about. “Why? What did Grayson say?”Ducane sat down and refitted the monocle to his right eye. It immediately fell out again. “It seems you are the ones responsible for ridding us of the Mouse King. For that, we, the people of Fengarad, will be eternally grateful. My thanks.”I looked at the others who were as baffled as me. “You’re... welcome? If you don’t mind me saying, you seem quite upset about it. Is there a problem?”“No, no. Well, yes, but not of your doing. You see, another party of Visitors arrived in Fengarad recently. They had been responsible for clearing a mouse nest, so when I heard the Mouse King had been killed, I’m afraid I assumed they were the ones responsible. They have been awarded the accolades that should have been yours. I am terribly, terribly sorry.”This news did
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 42. Welcome to Fengarad
The moment we passed through the second archway into Fengarad proper, the whole world changed. Noise hit us from every direction. Bangs and clatters, voices shouting, dogs barking, carts trundling across cobblestone. We all had to take a moment to get used to it.Everywhere I looked there were buildings squeezed together and leaning against each other in haphazard fashion. Narrow, tall and wonky.“If you’ll follow me,” said Laffi, “it isn’t too far to the Municipal Directory.”He led us through narrow streets, weaving between the crowds of people who all seemed to be going in the opposite direction to us. We had to bump and jostle our way through them to keep up with Laffi, who seemed to have an uncanny knack for sliding through the gaps without slowing.Everything was so tight and cramped, it was impossible to get a view of anything other than our immediate surroundings. Not that we had much time to look around, we were too busy trying to keep Laffi in our
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 43. The Emporium Of Needs And Desires
We had asked a few people about the best place to buy stuff and they’d all suggested the same place: Madame Robidoo’s Emporium. Apparently it was the place to get kitted out.With map in one hand and terrible sense of direction in the other, we navigated the spaghetti-like streets of Fengarad like 18th century explorers fumbling their way through the jungles of Africa.Other than my debilitating stiffness — fortunately it eased off after a bit of walking — I felt pretty relaxed and was more than happy to be doing something as mundane as going shopping. We had enough money to buy what we needed, and maybe enough to get some cool stuff on top. What we would do after that was still undecided, but to be honest, none of us wanted to think about it until absolutely necessary. A new pair of underpants was far more important.We got lost a number of times, and certain members of our party got distracted by a shoe shop where we were forced to wait while they inspected a vas
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 44. Man On A Mission
We spent the rest of the week exploring Fengarad. There were various interesting places in the lanes and side streets, including a red light district any red-blooded male would have investigated fully. Needless to say, the three of us got horribly embarrassed at the first sight of a scantily clad woman giving us the come hither, and we swiftly came up with excuses to head off to some other part of the city.We might not have acted quite so scared if she hadn’t looked like Steve Buscemi in drag. Who am I kidding? Of course we would.The girls, oblivious as ever, had no idea why the woman wanted to speak to us in private. The only thing of interest to them was where she’d purchased her bikini top.I eventually convinced the others we should split up, or at least, I should split up from them. We were familiar enough with the layout of the city that I didn’t think they’d get lost, and as long as they were together they wouldn’t get into too much trouble. Probably. I ju
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 45. Frog Capture Plan
There were a number of things I looked for in Fengarad but didn’t find. Book shops didn’t exist, although I knew books did. Now that I could read, books seemed the obvious way to gather a lot of information quickly, but they were incredibly rare. Most likely, there were private libraries somewhere. My guess would be that there was one in the Palace, but I had avoided that part of the city because palaces are where princesses live.The other thing I couldn’t find was a compass. It would make life a lot easier if we knew which direction we were going in, but no one understood what I was going on about when I asked shopkeepers if they sold them. Perhaps magnets didn’t exist, or maybe there was no North Pole to attract them.We left Fengarad heading north. At least, I think we did. The marshlands were a huge area with no towns or cities — not human ones, anyway. It took us two days to reach them. I expected to find swamps and crocodiles, but it was more like a series of lakes
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
