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194. When Two Girls Go to War
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2021-09-13 17:13:36Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 195. The Naked Ape
Laney crouched and started moving clockwise around Biadet, who stood still, tracking Laney with her eyes.As Laney edged her way around, she crouched lower and lower until it seemed like she would soon be crawling like a crab. Biadet stood straight, the humongous axe resting on her shoulder, her face betraying zero emotion.“Take a good look, Gabor,” said Laney in a playful voice. “Tell me what you think. What are my odds?”The two men who had been fighting alongside Laney when we arrived were watching with what looked like amusement. The taller one, who was called Roland, had donated his weapon to Biadet, so he obviously had nothing against girls fighting to the death. Very egalitarian.The shorter, stockier one was apparently called Gabor. He scratched his chin with a gloved hand and said, “It does not look good, I’m afraid, little lady. You might win this fight, maybe, one in a hundred.”This assessment produced a very slight twitch in Biadet’s lef
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 196. The Pursuit of Happiness
People don’t remain the same. You can’t. Even those who are obsessed by a certain time in their life, the music, the clothes, the hairstyle — in the end they become a parody of themselves. All those middle-aged guys rocking out at AC/DC concerts aren’t reliving their youth, they’re trying to avoid their present. And there’s no way to do that for more than a couple of hours.You change. It’s better to embrace it and treat it like an upgrade. Level up. Of course, just because you learn things and come to new conclusions, doesn’t mean you’re a better person — change doesn’t always equal improvement — but learning new things is often a route to personal growth.Take me, for example. I used to be terrified of big monsters. Let’s be frank, I used to be terrified of small monsters. I used to lose my shit hunting rabbits. Now I was in a clearing full of ogres and assorted other beasties, and running away and hiding was no longer at the top of my list. Sure, it was still in the to
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 197. Battle of Five Armies (Part 1)
Jenny gave me a summarised version of how she had left Claire to look after Maurice and headed for Requbar.“When I got to Requbar, I knew you were close, but every time I went to where I thought you’d be, there was nothing there.”I was probably already underground in a cell by that time. Or escaping through tunnels.“How did you get to Requbar from Dargot so quickly?” I asked her.“I stole a horse from a farm.” She said it like it was obvious. “The direction I needed to go was clear enough, so I just kept going until I saw the city. Then I met some soldiers. When I described who I was looking for, they took me to the palace.”“And you met the Queen?”She screwed up her eyes and rubbed the bridge of her nose. “I met her, but that part’s a bit foggy. She was like a doll, I think. Or she was wearing a mask. Yes, it was a white mask.”“You never saw her real face?”Jenny shook her head. “I don’t think so.”Everyone so far had
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 198. Colin Ascendant
The search for Biadet proved fruitless. Not really surprising — she could have been five feet away and we still probably wouldn’t be able to see her. If she planned to make life difficult for us, I had no doubt she would succeed. She could also go back to Dargot and report us to Gullen, which would have unpleasant ramifications.My instinct, though, was that she was still around. I didn’t think she was going to let Laney get away with sucker punching her like that. And as long as her focus was on her rival, it gave the rest of us a chance.“We should leave,” said Gabor. “There is no point looking for the dark girl. If she does not wish to be found, she will not be.” He had only just met Biadet, but he’d already sussed her ability. His own ability was no joke, either.The thing about this world was that it killed most of the people brought here, but the ones who survived managed to do so because they learned how to be deadlier. Hardest tutorial mode ever.“Le
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 199. Requbar Revival
I rejoined the ground forces and sent Flossie on ahead to scout for us. I only gave the others a rough idea of what I’d done. Baiting the lizardmen into chasing us to Dargot was all they needed to know. Now I just had to deal with the Queen of Requbar. I had at least a day to come up with my next great idea.“You seem much happier going to war against a woman,” said Jenny as we rode horses at the front of an army of eunuchs, as you do. “Do you think it’ll be easier?”I’d never ridden before, so I was trying not to fall off. Gabor rode ahead of me. He had tied a rope from my horse to his without asking. He could tell I had no idea how to steer the damn thing and was giving me a tow.“Yes,” I said to Jenny, ignoring the provocative nature of the question.Jenny thought about it for a moment. “So, a man would be a tougher opponent?”I could feel the ground under me soften. Quicksand. “Men are better at doing bad. I don’t know if you’re a history buff, bu
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 200. Gatekeeper
We entered the dark tunnel that led into the palace, which was a sort of tiered pyramid covered in flowers. The tunnel was dark and smelled of peat or loam or whatever you call the dark stuff they chuck around on allotments.I lit a ball of light, keeping it fairly dim so as not to attract too much attention, and followed Biadet. She seemed to flicker in and out of shadows, although that might just have been because of the way the glowing ball bounced around over my head.“This is exciting,” said Laney. “The warrior princess, the deadly midget and the Dragonslayer, entering the inner sanctum. Legends will tell of our feats.”Even in the gloom, I could see her eyes glinting.“I’m not a dragonslayer. I’ve never killed a dragon, and I don’t intend to. They’re just big, dumb animals. And Flossie’s the one who handles them. You’re encroaching on her area of expertise when you call me that, so please stop.”Laney took out her sword in a sweeping movement, t
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 201. Faithless
I felt sick. There was no way to know for certain if the Queen was lying, but if there was one thing I knew Jenny wanted...No, I refused to accept she would make that deal, no matter how plausible it sounded. I would at least wait until I could ask her.“You have a way to get into the spires in Fengarad.” I was being curt because I was annoyed. “Give it to me and I’ll deal with Peter.”“I apologise for angering you,” said the Queen. I couldn’t see her face, but I’d bet there was a very unapologetic smile on it.“I don’t care, just give me the key.”“You don’t like it when your woman makes decisions without your permission.” There was a very thick layer of smugness coating her words.“I don’t like it when anyone makes decisions that involve me.” There were so many things I wanted to ask her — about Peter, about how she became Queen, about how she controlled everyone’s menstrual cycle — but I was too tilted by what she’d claimed. For Jenny to wi
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 202. Resistance is Fruitful
We made it back to the hill without trouble. Only ten minutes from the city by dragon, stunning views and only a slight infestation of ogres. The ideal place to take a break and consider your plans for revolutionary war.The ogres were lounging about, picking flowers and having tickle fights. These were my shock troops. Shocking, indeed. The dragons circled once and then came into land. Everyone immediately disembarked and wandered off.You might think with all the fighting and power struggles and underhand shenanigans going on, the mood would be quite serious. Time for a war council. Time to prepare for the final battle. You would be wrong.World domination was way down on the agenda, well below making out and taking a nap. It was a sunny afternoon, and the ogres were frolicking, who had time for silly distractions like not getting blown to pieces by a mad rat queen?I followed Nyx off the dragon and pinned him against a tree. I considered him my ace in the
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
