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182. Ratopolis Now
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2021-09-13 17:13:35Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 183. King Killer Confessionals
“Father!” cried out Nyx. “These are adventurers. We are heading into the haunted zone to face the Ancestors.”That wasn’t why I was heading into the haunted zone, but I wasn’t going to argue. The rat soldiers lowered their spears and advanced.There was a distant howl from the tunnel, most likely air moving around the innards of the cave network. It was enough to stop everyone in their tracks. I blessed the Ancestors for watching over me.“Nyx!” the Rat King said in a warning tone. “This is not the time or place. Do not anger the Ancestors, and do not anger me.” His tail whipped out from behind him and flicked Nyx on the back of the head. “Here!”Nyx dejectedly walked to his father’s side, shoulders slumped and adventure over. Well, he tried, give him credit for that. And failed. You can’t win anything with kids.While not being the greatest fighter or leader or, indeed, human being, I do have confidence in myself with regard to a few things. I’m pret
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 184. Re: Slime
There was a large flash of brilliant light behind me, and then darkness. Fountains of lava gave off a yellow glow, but it was dark enough to make grabbing a skinny English kid a tricky prospect when you’re half-blind and trying to avoid a jet of acid shooting up your jacksie.I made it to the tunnel. I ran in, not caring how dangerous it might be. I tripped and stumbled and repeatedly fell, scraping hands and knees. I kept going.The light behind me quickly faded, and it was pitch dark. I slowed to a stagger, feeling my way, taking turns left and right without knowing where I was headed. The tunnels groaned and creaked, making it impossible to hear any pursuers. Rocks and dust fell on me in showers. I didn’t want to light up and give away my position, but eventually I had no choice.I produced a soft glow between my hands and turned around.“They did not follow us,” said Marv.“We are free to explore the catacombs of the haunted zone,” said Nyx.
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 185. Notes from the Underground
“They’re trolls,” Nyx whispered urgently. His tiny fingers dug into my arm, but at an angle I recognised as the ‘ready to push you into harm’s way’ hold.“Monsters,” whimpered Marv. I really couldn’t tell what kind of training they’d given her at assassin school, she didn’t seem to be good for anything.“I know they’re trolls,” I said as I pulled my arms out of their terrified grips, only for them to clamp on again. “Don’t be so freaked out. They won’t kill you unless they can think of an amusing way to do it.”“This guy,” said a troll leaning against the tunnel wall trying to get his breath. “He gets it.”“That wasn’t funny,” I said, somewhat annoyed at being driven to the point of hysteria by these knuckleheads. “This is hardly the time or place for your gags.”The trolls continued to rock with laughter. “Can’t think of a better one,” said the one who’d been covered in blood. He wiped a quartz tear from his face. “Your face... priceless.” He burst o
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 186. Girl Man and Rat Boy
It was true one of the lizards saw the Worm King in the Prophecy Room, or claimed to, just before the portal to Nekromel opened. I never actually saw the Worm King or any giant worms — they’re kind of hard to miss — but I had no reason to doubt he was involved. I would have actually quite liked to know why Kungen had been there and what he did, but now didn’t seem the time to open the floor to questions.“I cannot say for certain,” said Keezy, “but he was seen at the castle just before the blast. The mountain was destroyed and he hasn’t been seen since.”Kaceyton gasped and covered her face with her hands, sobbing.“None of this concerns us,” said Raviva.“King Raviva,” said Keezy, “chaos reigns above. Cheng has disappeared, vanquished by the man in the spire using one of his vile unnatural contraptions, and war is raging. How can you stay down here when you are the leader our peoples need?”“Our peoples bore me. They are no fun and neither are you, K
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 187. The Back Stabbers
The start of the contest was delayed as repairs were made. The trolls treated it as perfectly normal, everyday wear and tear. A professional labyrinth of death required regular maintenance and upkeep.We were taken to get something to eat. I didn’t ask what it was because I was hungry. I spotted Marv sitting in a corner, looking miserable. I thought she might have taken her chances and left, but apparently she’d rather take her chances here. What was more surprising was that Nyx was sat next to her. He was apparently more frightened of the trolls than he was of her. Their common enemy had produced some kind of truce between them, although I couldn’t see it lasting long.Having a few hours to kill, I decided to take a nap. The trolls didn’t bother with bedding, or beds, but the store room where I got my new outfit did just as well. I heaped some clothes into a pile and lay on top of them. My plan was simple. Observe the trolls in the maze. Try to get Keezy to win. Get outs
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 188. Can’t Make an Omelette
I skidded and bounced, and then my feet hit something and I pitched forward. My hands instinctively shot out and grabbed something hard and smooth. When the shaking stopped, I made a light and looked around. It was sweltering hot, and steam made it hard to see very far.I was in a cave, quite a big one as far as I could tell, and the object I’d grabbed onto was a greenish ball that came up to my waist. No, it was more egg-shaped, probably because it was an egg. All around me there were more eggs. I didn’t want to be here when they hatched. And I definitely didn’t want to bump into the mother.There was a rumbling moan followed by a hiss. A massive silhouette rose in the mist and let out a piercing shriek so loud it actually blurred my vision. I grabbed onto the sides of my head so my brains wouldn’t leak out of my ears.When I opened my eyes again, the silhouette was gone, although I didn’t think the creature had stormed off like some stressed-out housewife. You ca
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 189. Together Again for the First Time
Now that I had a dragon and two trolls on my team, I was feeling quite positive about the future. Which immediately set alarm bells ringing.“We need to get out of here,” I said. “Where’s the exit?”“We can go back the way we came,” said Raviva, casually waving a granite hand towards the magma-falls. “Now that you’ve got it flowing freely, it’s just a quick climb back to the labyrinth.”“We’d burn to death,” I said, in case he didn’t realise. Which he didn’t.“Really? It’s just a bit of lava.”Having trolls on my side was better than having them against me, but only just.I looked up at Flossie sitting on the dragon. “Can he fly us up there?”Vikchutni had brought a tree into the cave from somewhere, which meant he knew the way out; unless there was an underground forest down here. Which wasn’t impossible. But the area we were in was narrow, and there was no light coming in from above. It might be a long way up, and riding a near-vertica
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 190. Newkie State of Mind
As the sun rose on another beautiful day in Flatland, I wondered, as I did most days, if this would be my last.It’s not easy to climb onto a moving dragon. The take off was a series of violent lurches into the air, followed by slow, forceful beats of the giant wings to send us soaring upwards. I grabbed onto Vikchutni’s ear with both hands and held on tightly, my main goal being not to fall to my death — I don’t have many ambitions, but those I do, I pursue vigorously.My body swung around wildly and I tried to use the momentum to get my foot onto the dragon’s neck, but kept coming up short. That’d teach me for skipping leg day.Flossie tried to catch hold of me, but every time my foot came near her, she ducked out of the way in case I kicked her off. It was like playing catch with somebody who kept saying, “Throw me the ball, throw me the ball,” and when you did, they immediately ran away screaming. Which was exactly how Flossie played catch.“Go higher,”
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
