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137. The Disorient Express
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2021-09-13 17:13:33Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 138. Yuqi Yuqi Yuqi
How do you handle a situation where you’re hopelessly outmatched? Come up with a one-in-a-million longshot and hope to get lucky? My track record suggested not.Yuqi, a fellow Visitor from Planet Earth, loomed over me, a spiral of warped vines twisted into an approximation of the female form constructed from giant pipe cleaners. Only the head manifested any kind of permanence; a ball with limp horns hanging on either side. A jester with killer material.The only weapons available to me were my quickness of thought and ability to engage my opponent on a psychological level.“Ah, so, you’re a girl?”Okay, perhaps not the smartest thing to say to the living embodiment of your nightmares. Some women might even take offence at the question. Femininity, or the lack of, can be a sore point for those females with a more robust physique. Bodybuilders, Olympic athletes, giant demonic beings... it can be a touchy subject.“Yes,” the voice rumbled like colliding
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 139. Back Once Again For The Renegade Master
Speedrunning a video game is something you can only do if you really know your shit. You have to not only be familiar with the basics of the game, you have to know when to fight, when to dodge, and which mobs you can ignore altogether.Hardcore boss that requires twenty minutes of button-bashing and perfect timing on your backward roll and flip to beat? Jump over this wall, shimmy across a ledge not even the game designers knew was there, and save yourself the frustration of having to press the same button combination fifteen times in a row.You might think, what’s the point of rushing through a lavishly-designed level without engaging with all the content available? The answer is very simple — because someone decided you should do things in a certain order, and fuck them.I slid into the water feet first and gave no thought to clawing my way back to the surface. I crossed my arm, pointed my toes down and took a deep breath as the green-grey sheet swallowed me, and
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 140. Come Here Often?
Everyone came drifting back holding hands and exchanging sneaky glances at each other. Subtle as a day-glo dildo.“If you’re all quite done...” I said in a rather surly tone, adding under my breath, “you bunch of sluts.”“And what have you been doing while we were gone?” asked Claire.“Discussing tactics,” I said. “Like any good leader would.”“Really?” said Jenny. “That’s what we were doing? I’ve heard of surprise attacks, but the enemy soldiers really won’t be expecting you to—”“Shut up,” I ordered. “Let’s go.”We set off. The girls congregated towards the back, huddled and walking in a meandering cloud of giggles. They whispered and pointed at the boys in a way I felt wasn’t entirely complimentary.“So...” said Maurice, “this Jester, she’s a chick, then?”“Yes,” I answered, trying to ignore the snorting going on behind us. Women are supposed to mature faster than men. I suspect it may be on a bell curve.“She knows what
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 141. Forever? Forever, Ever?
“Are you okay?” Jenny called down. No one rushed to check when I yelped. Why would they? It might be dangerous — they just offered their vague concern.“I’m fine.” I lit up a ball of light and looked around. I hadn’t done this before descending because I didn’t want to reveal what I could do in front of Terry; they were freaked out enough as it was. I could handle a few steps into the dark, it wasn’t like there was anything dangerous down here. Nothing except for tarantulorus rex.There was no sign of any spider, which meant it had either scuttled back into its hidey-hole or it was currently residing somewhere on me. After randomly brushing and flicking various parts of myself, and shuddering at the thought of what might be crawling around inside my shirt, I continued to the bottom of the stairs.Loran was lying on one of the tables, grey, pasty and corpse-like. Black gunk had congealed across his throat and pooled on the tabletop. It was a strange way to celebrate
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 142. Destiny Calling
David walked down the ramp looking tired and haggard. He had his hood up but his face was unwrapped making it very easy to guess his mood. Pissed off.Having confidently told everyone it would be Bibler arriving, David’s appearance was like saying, “Was this your card?” and receiving a resounding, “Nope,” in return.“Why are you here?” I asked David.David stood on the ramp, probably because it gave him a height advantage, and glowered at me. “You’re Colin?”“Yes,” I said with an implied ‘duh!’ which was unfair. This was his first time meeting me, as far as he knew.“I’m here to give you your instructions.” He took a moment to peruse the assemblage. “You’re to come with me.”Loran stepped forward. “Do you have news of my brother?”David reluctantly paused his glowering (to be continued later) and turned to Loran. “Levrik is no longer in the city.”This news took Loran by surprise. “You have sent him on a mission?”David hes
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 143. Revolution Road
“This is the man who will bring us the paradise we all dream of.” Dorma stretched out his hand to indicate the person behind him.I was also standing behind him. If I stepped forward, it would look like he meant me. I could draw everyone’s attention while Claire and Maurice snuck into the mansion. Everyone would think I was some kind of idiot (again), but I could do it.I could, but I wasn’t going to. No fucking way.Jenny nudged me in the back. I arched my shoulder blades to absorb the shove without moving.“Commander Varg!” Dorma introduced Varg to the crowd who broke into wild cheers. Varg stepped forward, arms raised.“You could have done it then,” said Claire under her breath as she applauded politely.“Yeah,” added Maurice, also clapping. For some reason they felt the need to act like they were supporting Varg’s appointment, even though it had nothing to do with us.“People of Meet,” boomed Varg, “war is come!” Cheers. “The fight f
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 144. Say Hello to My Little Friend
They’re always changing iPhones so you have to upgrade to the next one. Slightly bigger screen, longer battery life, transdimensional conference call with supernatural beings — it’s alway something you don’t really need. Or want.It’s eventually going to get to the point where you turn on your phone and it immediately explodes so you have to buy a new one. Marketing genius.“Whatever were you thinking?” asked the voice coming out of the little box. She sounded amused. She also sounded like a kidnapper using a voice-changer, calling to demand a ransom or the kid’s ears get sent to you via Fedex. It puts the lotion in the basket.“Hello, Yuqi,” I said. “If I’d known you were only a phone call away I would’ve been in touch sooner. I have so many questions for you. Are you an idiot? Call this a plan? Who the fuck put you in charge? So many...”“Do you, now? Do you really?” A long, manic laugh spewed from the small device like it was a music box for the criminall
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 145. Claire Knows It All
I took the Codex from Flossie and inspected it more closely. As far as I could tell, it was made of wood, was very light and had a myriad of detailed carvings all over it. I brushed my fingertips across the surface looking for openings or switches. I found neither.Nothing about the box stood out as obviously alien or different to anything else in the room, but for some reason it moved around freely. I tried to turn it like a Rubik’s cube. Would have been cool if it was a puzzle that needed solving — twist up, across, down, down, cheat mode activated! — but sadly it seemed pretty solid with no moving parts except for one. I opened the lid.“How dare y—” I snapped it shut on the voice mid-screech. Apparently, Yuqi wasn’t affected by the time freeze, either. But she wasn’t in control of the box. If only all conversations could be ended so easily.“Nearly there,” said Jenny. She’d managed to get her top half through the gap in the window David had slipped out of
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
