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143. Revolution Road
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2021-09-13 17:13:33Related chapters
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 144. Say Hello to My Little Friend
They’re always changing iPhones so you have to upgrade to the next one. Slightly bigger screen, longer battery life, transdimensional conference call with supernatural beings — it’s alway something you don’t really need. Or want.It’s eventually going to get to the point where you turn on your phone and it immediately explodes so you have to buy a new one. Marketing genius.“Whatever were you thinking?” asked the voice coming out of the little box. She sounded amused. She also sounded like a kidnapper using a voice-changer, calling to demand a ransom or the kid’s ears get sent to you via Fedex. It puts the lotion in the basket.“Hello, Yuqi,” I said. “If I’d known you were only a phone call away I would’ve been in touch sooner. I have so many questions for you. Are you an idiot? Call this a plan? Who the fuck put you in charge? So many...”“Do you, now? Do you really?” A long, manic laugh spewed from the small device like it was a music box for the criminall
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 145. Claire Knows It All
I took the Codex from Flossie and inspected it more closely. As far as I could tell, it was made of wood, was very light and had a myriad of detailed carvings all over it. I brushed my fingertips across the surface looking for openings or switches. I found neither.Nothing about the box stood out as obviously alien or different to anything else in the room, but for some reason it moved around freely. I tried to turn it like a Rubik’s cube. Would have been cool if it was a puzzle that needed solving — twist up, across, down, down, cheat mode activated! — but sadly it seemed pretty solid with no moving parts except for one. I opened the lid.“How dare y—” I snapped it shut on the voice mid-screech. Apparently, Yuqi wasn’t affected by the time freeze, either. But she wasn’t in control of the box. If only all conversations could be ended so easily.“Nearly there,” said Jenny. She’d managed to get her top half through the gap in the window David had slipped out of
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 146. Democracy Inaction
No sound came from the open box. I had expected an enraged shriek followed by a string of expletives. Nothing. I gave the box a gentle shake.“What do you want?” a surly voice asked.“I need to ask you a few questions.” If I kept it plain and simple, maybe we could have a conversation devoid of histrionics.“Hey, Yuqi,” said Phil. “Been a while.”“You piece of shit!” Yuqi’s voice rose in volume until it was like standing next to a bass speaker in a nightclub. “What is he doing here? Get him out! Get him out!”“Holey fuck-a-moley,” said Phil. “Take it easy, babe.”“Don’t you babe me. You betrayed me. Twice!”It was strange hearing bickering complaints made in a voice reminiscent of Linda Blair with a crucifix wedged between her thighs. There was clearly some history between these two, and more than a casual acquaintance.“Like I just explained to these guys,” began Phil in a calm, restrained manner that was guaranteed to annoy anyo
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 147. Manual Override
General Dorma, leader of the city of Meet and its combined military forces, rubbed his hands with glee at the prospect of us leaving for the Masters’ mountaintop retreat. I don’t think the relish he displayed at our imminent departure was due to me and my motley crew, rather the fact that Phil and David would be accompanying us.Even though the two of them would be a great asset when it came to challenging the Masters, the more discrete and distant their achievement, the less likely they would become folk heroes and challenge Dorma in any popularity contest.And if they happened to perish while off fighting the Masters, so much the better. Sure, that would make it harder to defeat the Masters — maybe impossible — but a man like Dorma would gladly leave everyone neck-deep in shit rather than give up his place on the throne.I didn’t doubt Dorma meant to hold elections after victory had been achieved, and that those elections would be heavily rigged in his favour, bu
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 148. Collision Course
The flappy-box took quite a liking to Maurice. Last time, he’d just twiddled his knobs and the box had flown where he’d told it to. This time, the box made a muffled sound like the squeal of an ungreased axle as Maurice told it what a good boy it was and stroked its sides.The thing didn’t have ears, as far as I could tell, and what stroking a wooden box achieved I had no idea, but it did seem to respond to him.While Maurice bonded with the box (don’t judge), I had a quick look through the manual he and Claire had acquired. It was a big book, lots of pages, lots of small writing. As expected, it was not written in a language I recognised.“Can you read this?” I asked Phil.“Sure,” he responded confidently. He took the manual from me, scanned the first couple of pages and handed it back. “Boring as fuck.” He walked off.General Dorma offered to arm us with whatever weapons we required. I accepted but only because not doing so would raise awkward quest
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 149. Galvanise
The wind roared and whistled in my ears.Falling from such a great height would almost certainly prove fatal. It wouldn’t be pleasant but it wouldn’t be the end, either. Just inconvenient to have to go back to square one and do it all over again. And there’d be Yuqi to deal with.Surviving the fall, however, would be infinitely worse. Lying there, back broken, limbs twisted in unnatural directions. Not good. I couldn’t heal myself if I couldn’t use my hands.As I fell, arms spread out and staring upwards, I saw Cheng hovering above me, framed against a white sky. It was definitely him, although he looked very different. Hitokag had told me Cheng had three forms. I’d only ever seen the demon and the boy, perhaps this was the other one.Four arms, wings like a moth, face like a diseased hippopotamus — I could see why he wouldn’t go out in it much.A grey streak smashed into Cheng, taking him across the sky at great speed before slowing down enough for m
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 150. In It to Win It
Despite his resemblance to a creature from fevered nightmares, underneath it all Cheng was still the insecure boy with abandonment issues. Put him in a war to save his people and he’d lead like a true general. Tell him to stand up to his Dad, and he made jelly look sturdy.“What you’re suggesting, it isn’t even... I mean, I don’t know if it’s possible... My father told me it would be best for me not to enter the full tournament. Otherwise I might have to face him.”“That’s interesting,” I said. “Either he doesn’t want to hurt you, or he’s afraid of you. I wonder which it is?”“I... I don’t think he fears me,” said Cheng.“Sounds a bit like he does,” I said. Obviously, I didn’t really know how Cheng Sr. thought or what his reasons were for not wanting his boy in the tournament proper, but the fact he hadn’t given a clear-cut explanation for his decision raised a few suspicions.In my experience, limited as it was, the person with a definite reason for
Last Updated : 2021-09-13How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 151. Face Your Demons
Inside the box, the golem’s wings were trying to make a break for it. Somehow they knew they were being separated from their host and they slapped desperately against the walls in an effort to find a way out.Flossie squealed and ran around Dudley to avoid getting flapped on. Maurice and Claire waved their arms like they were herding sheep and Phil and David watched. I don’t think they’d ever seen a special ops team quite like this one.As I walked up the ramp into the box, the golem had already got its feet attached to its legs. More chunks of flesh slithered towards the rapidly reconstituting body.“We should go,” said Cheng. “If you follow me we should be there by nightfall.” He spread his wings and lifted into the air.He hadn’t actually agreed to my plan, at least not verbally. His hesitation was enough to convince everyone he had accepted this was the only way forward and I think he preferred it that way. If he’d had to say it out loud it would have fe
Last Updated : 2021-09-13
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How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 244. Don’t Forget to Breathe
Claire stabbed me. She didn’t know I was in here, but would that have made a difference?The moment the blade entered my chest, I felt a rush of cold go through me like smoke through a keyhole. Everything began shaking. I was falling apart.“What are yo’ doing?” screamed Flossie.“It’s not him,” said Maurice. “Colin’s safe. This is just his body. We have to stop them now, or we’ll never get another chance.”It had never been a great body, but ‘just his body’ seemed a little harsh.Was this part of some big plan? Maurice had always been good at seeing patterns and drawing conclusions. He wasn’t always right, but he was starting to have faith in himself. They all were. Dangerous times.If you joined up the dots and they formed a picture, it would make sense to assume that’s the picture you were meant to find. Maurice had decided this was the picture he had seen. Kill Peter, kill Wesley. Leave no one powerful enough to threaten the rest of us.
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 243. The Older Woman
By this point, I considered darkness to be an old friend. Considering how my friends had been treating me of late, my buddy darkness was probably hiding monsters that would eat my face.The voice I’d heard had sounded feminine, although I wasn’t about to assume gender. These days, that sort of thinking can get you in all sorts of trouble. If it was a woman, my track record with females in dark places wasn’t good, but I wasn’t about to generalise about that either.Yes, women had treated me poorly, often trying to kill me, torture me and nag me to death. I didn’t hold a grudge. Women aren’t all the same. I never think, Oh, yes, she’s just like all the others. They’re all individuals. They each have their own preferred method for ruining your life. Some of them even do it by ignoring you. They’re my favourite.I listened for any follow-up threats. There were always follow-up threats. Everyone had too much fun arranging my demise to not announce their plans.No
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 242. Further Beyond
It wasn’t like Claire suddenly transforming was a bad thing. When the Fire Nation attacks, you want someone to change into their Avatar state. She was more Korra than Aang, but who knew what she was capable of now?I suddenly felt a sense of loss at not having Maurice around to swap pop culture analogies with. It’s all very well having people standing beside you in times of trouble, but it leaves an unsatisfactory feeling when they don’t understand your references.We had a giant Elf with a handful of twats coming at us, so Claire going blue-eyes white dragon was a good thing, even if she had no idea what a blue-eyes white dragon was. Whatever had been behind the wall in the crypt, it had presumably exited via Claire and taken up residence.Normally, that would be a cause for concern. How often has the thing bricked up inside a church been a chill dude who got trapped by accident? No, it was always some abused child whose vengeful spirit was now going to wreak havo
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 241. Sister of No Mercy
“But why?” asked Claire, her hands shaking by her side.Maurice had a ferocious grin on his face, the kind only severe embarrassment can produce. Despite any reasons and justifications he might have, when you get caught doing something you know you shouldn’t do — because all the Pixar movies you’ve ever seen have clearly identified it for you — there’s no way to stop your body from producing all the ‘oh fuck’ hormones it contains, and sending them to your face.“You went inside my mind and took my memories from me.” This was what Claire was really upset about. Not that Maurice had betrayed us and aligned himself with the enemy, but that he had crossed her personal boundaries.“It wasn’t like that,” whispered Maurice. He was keeping his words quiet as though they would hurt less that way, but they filled the silent crypt we were standing in. “I did what I thought was best.”“Best?! You thought lying to me was best?” The surprise of it was wearing off now, and
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 240. Cockblocula
It might have seemed a bit risky to call out Joshaya. He was the person I’d been trying to avoid, after all. If him catching up with me unravelled Maurice’s power, meeting him could kill me. But that was also why it was safe to do so.If this version of Arthur was really Joshaya, then I’d already been in his presence, even told him I was dead, and was still alive.If I was wrong, it wouldn’t change anything, and if I was right, I should already be dead. Unless there was more to this whole being dead business than first appeared.I didn’t need to understand exactly how all this mumbo jumbo worked to realise whoever was holding death over my head as a threat, was also making sure I didn’t die.Not to blow my own horn (every boy’s dream), but I was important enough to keep alive. They needed me. Which gave me some leverage. Until I became so irritating that they gave up on their plans and killed me anyway.Joshaya rose to a vertical position like some un
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 239. Planning for the Future
We headed out of the temple with two of our members in wheelbarrows. Normally this would require some explaining. People don’t just push around unconscious bodies in gardening equipment, unless it’s a stag do that’s going very well.In this case, however, we were aided by the presence of druids, the local religious weirdos who everyone did their best to ignore.Coupled with the fact we were coming out of the temple everyone believed could do no wrong (never fails to amaze me how ready the faithful are to confuse turn the other cheek with turn a blind eye) and they assumed we must have had a good reason to use this particular form of public transportation.The crowds in the square simply parted for us as they went about their business. My own thoughts were preoccupied with the strong suspicion that Arthur, the one in the crypt, was another manifestation of Joshaya. The roleplaying was of a very high standard, and the cosmetic touches were really well done, but there
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 238. Lead Me Not into Temptation
“Destroy? You mean as in kill? You want to kill Peter.” The voice, for all its unsettling menace — hard to come across as anything else when you’re emanating from a stone coffin — had a tinge of genuine shock to it. He was horrified by the prospect of what I’d suggested. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. Absolutely not.”Disappointing.“You don’t control dead people, then? You aren’t a necromancer?”“I told you, I’m a vivimancer.”“I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of that before. What does it mean?”“It means I can heal, I can prolong life. Other people’s and my own. It’s the reason I’m in here. My body was starved of food and air, but my life force abides.”“You aren’t dead?”“I am and I am not.”“And Peter put you here, but you still don’t want to get him back?”“Not by robbing him of life. I mean, I wouldn’t like it if someone did that to me, so why would I do it to someone else?”Someone had done it to him. I didn’t point this
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 237. Hold the Moan
There were four lights in all. Three smaller one, and the big one that seemed to do all the talking. The red balls hanging in the air suggested eyes, but not in a Sauron ‘I see everything’ kind of way, more a HAL ‘Hello, Dave’ kind of way. A harmonised version of Daisy, Daisy could break out at any moment.There’s a rumour, strongly denied, that HAL, in the movie 2001, was meant to represent the firm IBM. If you take a letter away from each of the letters in I-B-M you get H-A-L.But it was never the hardware that was going to be the problem for the future of mankind. If you made the same kind of movie today, the insane AI watching your every move would be something more like Facebook, but you’d face the same problem. You couldn’t use the name without getting sued. You’d have to take a letter away from each of its initials to make up a completely fictitious evil company. FB would become... Oh, wait.“You have returned to set us free,” said the big light. There was a
How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis 236. Freedom for All
Jenny was not happy. She was the sort of person who prided herself on not being a nag. She presented herself as a supportive partner willing to back me up in whatever retarded idea I came up with. She’d tell me it was retarded, but that wouldn’t stop her having my back.Which is cool. People should only tell you not to do something if they have a better option. One they know works due to experience and wisdom, not because they think it will help them whore karma on Reddit.Under those conditions, hardly anyone would get to tell anyone else what to do. People would make mistakes, of course, but they would be valuable mistakes that would help the person grow and improve.This time, however, Jenny was not in the mood to stand by and allow me to go skipping off into the jaws of danger. Not without her mooring line firmly attached.“If he disconnects himself from me,” said Jenny, “won’t he die? I thought I was the only thing keeping him alive.”“Yes. Techn
