I failed

Kieran

“Clara,” I called out for my secretary’s attention. “Cancel everything for today.”

Knowing better than to ask questions, Clara confirmed with a curt nod as I continued towards the elevator that took me to the underground garage where my trusted SUV waited.

It was the first time since I took over as CEO of the corporation that I could not focus on my job. Letters and digits were fluttering in front of my eyes, and the light on the screen was trying to gouge them out. My brain felt like mush, making it hard to think and be productive. After hours of pointless effort, I realized I needed to unwind the pent-up whirlpool of rage and despair that had been brewing in me for the last few days, knowing well that if I continued to ignore it, it would wreck me from the inside.

Leaving the King Enterprises building in the rearview mirror, I got lost in replaying all the wrong moves I made and how they led to where I was now – the place where the relationship with my only brother was hanging on a thin thread.

Touching the phone screen in the holder, I dialed Philip’s number. As the ringing resonated through the car cabin, nervousness from my stomach rose to my throat, pushing my self-control to its limits.

“Hello,” Philip grunted from the other side.

“Can you come by my place later?” I still hoped I could convince him to change his mind.

A long pause followed my request, bringing fret it might be denied.

“Fine.” Philip cut the call abruptly, but I sighed in relief.

If anyone ever told me that the little brother I’ve been taking care of my entire life would renounce me because of a girl, I would have laughed. No! I would have punched them in the face. Yet, here I was - about to lose the person I cared about the most to a little leech whose only target was the King’s family fortune. And there was no chance I was going to let it happen.

I arrived at my house with one goal in mind – the punching bag hanging in the gym. It was the only thing capable of absorbing some of the tension before I exploded. After quickly changing the navy-blue, three-piece suit I was wearing in the office, I hurried downstairs to the basement where the decently equipped workout space was installed when I bought the estate.

Skipping on bandaging my wrists, I let it all out.

With every punch I threw, a chunk of my frustration seemed to dissipate while the pain in my knuckles increased. I didn’t mind it, though. What’s more, I welcomed it. Each bead of sweat that coated my skin was proof of the wheels that relentlessly kept turning in my head.

We were close, Philip and I. We have confided in each other since we were kids, so when he first told me about this new girl he was seeing, I took it for granted. In the end, he had dated before. I brushed it off, thinking of it as a phase or a pastime, but when I realized all Philip could speak of was ‘his angel,’ it was too late to do anything; he was already too far gone. When he admitted they were getting serious and he wanted to propose, I lost it.

Actually, I had nothing against my brother settling down. What’s more, I looked forward to the day he would start his own family with some decent girl.

But he could not marry a little witch with a questionable background! It was out of the question. All he could get from that relationship was a broken heart, and I could never let my little brother experience the pain I knew so well.

By the time Philip came, I was relieved of the negativity and armored with zest and faith that some reason could be knocked into Philip’s head considering his’ girlfriend.’ But all of those dissipated as soon as I laid my eyes on him.

“Brother.” Philip greeted me curtly, his gaze not wavering from mine.

Resolution.

Pure resolution shone from the grey irises we shared, and although it wasn’t strange or uncommon to see him adamant about something, this time, it covered my heart with a blanket of ominous predicament.

“How are you feeling? You’re a little pale.” My worry about his health was genuine. Ever since Philip went to see a pulmonologist last week, I have been beyond distressed about what was happening to him. Even though I already knew the worry was unnecessary.

“Tired.” The distancing tone in his voice chilled me to the bone. “I’ve been sleep-deprived, as you already know.” Dark circles under his eyes witnessed his claim.

I observed him, not wanting to miss a single sign that could indicate he knew what I did, but there was nothing but a shadow of unhappiness looming over him.

“I’ve changed my mind, brother.” There. The words I dreaded to hear. “I cannot give Ellie up, and I’m sorry I ever let you persuade me that leaving her was the best for us.”

I inhaled sharply in a desperate attempt to control the fury building up inside me, a rage that threatened to swallow me whole.

“I’m sorry I listened to you. If I had explained it to Ellie, she would have understood. She would stand by my side.”

“Be reasonable, Philip!” I snapped, barely containing my fists from soothing the itch on the nearby wall. “That girl can never be a respectable match for you.”

“I don’t care what you think, Kieran! Not about Ellie. If you cannot accept that I am happy with her, that’s your problem. You will either have to accept it or...” He made a short pause as the bitter expression of disgust overtook his facial features. “I don’t even recognize you anymore, Kieran. This is not you. This is not my brother.” Every word he spoke felt like a knife to my stomach when everything I did was for him. Philip turned around, heading towards the door, and the discernment my actions caused drowned on me.

“You don’t understand!” I roared, following him outside. I had to make him see what I saw. I had to help him perceive the depths of the abyss he was staring into.

“No!” he yelled back at me, taking me completely by surprise. I had never seen him infuriated like this. “You are the one that doesn’t understand, Kieran. Ellie is not Nora!”

The mere mention of her name threatened to send me down the memory lane I fought hard against every day, and Philip knew it. Yet, he used her as a weapon against me, and I was lost in figuring out how to feel about it. But wasn’t playing dirty something I did first?

“And you would have realized that if you only gave her a chance! But you just have to be too stubborn and hardheaded to even consider being wrong.” He marched relentlessly until he reached his car. Only then did he stop and turn to me.

“Meet her, Kieran. Give her a chance to prove that she’s not what you think.”

He served me with the last opportunity to cross the drift between us. There wouldn’t be another one.

I stared at him without blinking, my mouth dry from the bitter taste of defeat.

“Fine!” I huffed in anger, raising my arms in surrender. “Let’s have dinner. The three of us.”

Philip eyed me suspiciously, trying to determine whether I was sincere, but the bond we formed and strengthened almost twenty years ago made him nod his head in confirmation. He wasn’t willing to renounce me any more than I was ready to lose him.

“I’ll text you the details.” Hope lit up in his eyes, and just for a second, I wondered if I might really be wrong. “If she returns my calls…” I wasn’t sure if Philip intended for me to hear his mumbling before he got into his car and drove off, but I did.

It took a moment or two for what was said between my brother and me to settle down, for my swelled-up brain to process the words spoken between us and realize the ultimatum hidden between them.

The resentment directed towards that girl I had never met and didn’t bother enough to remember her name built up in me, ready to explode. I wanted to break something! I wanted to destroy something!

Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

The realization that I was the only one to blame for this outcome settled into my every pore, igniting every fiber of my being with the eternal fire of hell! I miscalculated, jumping on the first boat of opportunity that came my way, and I sank like a Titanic with a bang while the orchestra still played its melody in the back.

I stepped over my principles and destroyed the carefully built tenets and rules I lived by. I didn’t recognize myself or how I acted, and all in the name of sparing my brother the agony I knew would come. And it was all in vain.

A loud roar of infirmity escaped me again as I punched the massive door, but the pain that shot through my fist brought no relief I expected.

I’d never fallen so hard in my life. No other battle seemed to be lost at a higher cost than this one.

Overwhelmed by everything that had happened, I continued to vent my anger on every object I passed, whether it was an antique mirror on the wall that I smashed into a million pieces or an Art déco figurine that flew across the living room and landed in the middle of my flat-screen TV.

None of those objects meant a thing, and instead of subsiding my rage, they only pushed me further over the edge.

Unconsciously, I found myself back at the gym, punching the same bag repeatedly until my knuckles bled, and I was out of breath with dark spots dancing in front of my eyes.

I failed. I fucking failed.