2 - Living In The Past

~Slade’s Point of View~

~Present Day~

“I don’t want you wasting time on your honeymoon worrying about my problems,” I said, to one of my best friends.

The drummer in the band I had managed for the last fifteen years was newly married and he should be face first in his wife’s thighs instead of talking to me.

The band and I were close, beyond close. We were brothers and we’d all been through hell and back together. I’d do anything for any one of them and I knew they all felt the same about me. True friendship, brotherhood, is something you can’t buy. 

Loyalty.

While I was rich with those around me who cared and loved me, there was certainly a massive void in my life I didn’t know how to fill.

“Look Slade you can’t fuck around. But you can’t be like a stalker either. Holly is right there, she’s right there bro. I’ve been talking to the wife about this and we agree,” Lukas said.

I rolled my eyes as I heard a shuffle.

“Slade, you need to give her what you failed to give her all those years ago. Your time. Your attention. Don’t you dare try to make any grand gestures, there is absolutely nothing you can buy her to win her love,” Natasha said.

These two, ganging up on me. 

I know they were just married, they’re happy and want me to be too. But trying to get me back with my high school sweetheart who likely wants nothing more than to chop my head off and punt it off a pirate ship plank is not gonna work.

So what if I’d had the private security firm I owned dig into Holly’s life. Her mortgage is paid off, her car. She has a decent college fund set aside for her son. Nothing I could swoop in and pay off for her. My money never did impress her. Natasha was absolutely right, it was always my time Holly wanted and in the end I couldn't give it to her, it was our undoing.

“Go be newlyweds instead of Dr. Phil, love yas,” I said, hanging up.

I rubbed my temples and stared out the massive window in my office. I was in my parents’ house outside of Portland, we’d come up here from L.A. for Lukas and Natasha’s wedding a few days ago. 

Like morons we’d hurt ourselves at the bachelor party, and much to my shock Holly ended up being the ER nurse who patched me up. And likely took joy in seeing me cut up and with a dislocated shoulder.

I really needed to get back to my life in California, but I couldn't bring myself to go. I knew that Holly had always been in this town, for the last fifteen years. But I’d looked into her maybe two years after we’d split … I saw her with the man she’d married and she was happy. Very happy. There wasn’t a chance in hell I could try and ruin that for her. 

No matter how much I thought about it, or desperately wanted to reach out to her. I was so fucking miserable and alone, no other woman could ever come close to her. I’d called several other women Holly by mistake over the years, but apparently it was no mistake.

I flipped through the file on my computer that my investigator had sent. Her son’s name was Chase Xavier Pendleton and she was now Holly Samantha Pendleton. 

I couldn’t even tell you how many nights I sat and dreamed of her being Holly Norris when we were growing up. I thought about our wedding invites, Christmas cards. Everywhere I just saw our names, joined. 

Xavier had been Holly’s grandfather, they had been very close when she was little since her parents both worked crazy hours. I still remember the night he passed, she was thirteen and so upset. I’d never lost a family member like that before, I had no experience with it. But she snuck into my room in the middle of the night and I held her, that was all she’d needed.

Then when she was 18 and I was off on Feisty’s first world-wide tour, her father died and I wasn’t there for her. I was the biggest dick on the planet and now I’m stuck with the consequences of the choices I made then.

We lived about three miles apart growing up, but it wasn’t too bad on a bicycle. Though if I knew she wanted to come over I’d just send my driver to get her, I never wanted her walking at night. When we got to high school her parents bought a house a little further out so it wasn’t like she was close then. She’s still in that house today. It's on a long road barely traveled, and if a car just lingered around too long it was obvious it didn’t belong there.

Her son loved baseball, there were tons of pictures of him in the newspaper, yearbooks. His father had been one of the high school baseball coaches, along with being a mechanic. I hated to admit I was a bit jealous of that, I didn’t know how to do shit like that. I never had to fix a toilet, a flat tire. Practical and useful stuff.

I knew how to pick up a phone and write a check.

My mind flashed to seeing her the other night. She said she was happy, she told me we were square and basically to let it all go. She wants me to leave her alone. Of course … I can’t.

But she hadn’t even been widowed a year, how can I possibly move in on that? They’re still grieving, it would be insanely confusing for her son. I seriously doubt he’d know who I was, what I’d meant to Holly growing up.

Had she told her husband about us?

I slammed my laptop shut and rubbed my face. What a fucking mess. Why can’t I just wind the clock back a week and go on being a lonely schmuck piggybacking off his friends’ love lives?

Cause I’ve seen her again. Smelled her. Felt her touch. She’s barely aged a day … in fifteen fucking years. She looks exactly as I remember, exactly how I want her to look. Like my dreams, like my vivid dreams.

I opened my computer back up and shot off an email to my accountant with the name and location of the high school here. Told him to make an anonymous $10,000 donation to the baseball team. Also, the hospital where Holly worked was a non-profit and a trauma center, the only one in the area. I gave him their information too, and told him to make a $100,000 anonymous donation.

Fucking hell. I gotta stop thinking money solves everything. I know in LA it does, but not here. And not with Holly. But it made me feel better, like I was doing something productive. 

I barely slept that night, I’d found some old pictures, Polaroids we’d taken. Love letters, all kinds of notes. We were big on notes. She made all her lower case i’s with little hearts on top. It always felt like they were just for me. No matter where we were, or what was going on, we always made each other feel like no one else was in the room. No one existed but us.

Until I chose the band over her and completely ruined both our lives. Made the guys all lose their relationships with her too.

~Flashback, Twenty Years Ago~

“Are you sure about this,” Holly giggled.

“Of course,” I said, trying to impress her. 

The only thing I was sure of … was that I was gonna get in deep shit. But it was worth it. My parents were always so prim and proper, always so perfectly put together, it drove me nuts. Just once I don’t want to have to watch my “posture” or worry about eating with the correct fork.

I didn’t want to be forced to remember the name of all my dad’s friends that I hated. Ones that pinched my cheeks and patted me on the head like I was a damn dog. 

Sometimes, you just gotta be a kid.

I picked up the walkie-talkie, ready for my little brother to get the show on the road.

Holly and I were perched high in a tree, watching my parents throw their latest party. Maybe it was someone’s birthday, maybe it was just because it was Saturday. Like my mom ever needed a reason to throw a needless party and get dressed up. Spend a fortune on food, music and the rest of the set up. It was what she lived for, and half the time I wasn’t sure she even remembered she had kids. 

There were whole weeks we barely saw her, she was too wrapped up in spending money. Shopping, her friends. Planning parties. Maybe this was a cry for attention, who knows.

“Now Robert, now,” I whispered.

“Copy,” he said, and Holly giggled again. God I loved her laugh, and she looked so pretty when she did it. She’d just turned 13 and she was already far outgrowing other girls her age. I stared at her boobs constantly, especially when we were swimming. But I hadn’t had the guts to try anything more than a kiss with her, I didn’t want to freak her out but my body was really making me want to try.

She leaned into me and I wrapped my arms around her. It only took a few seconds, but I watched as the garden party turned into a rain party. 

All at once about two dozen sprinklers went off, making everyone scream and run. 

Holly laughed, a bit too loud and I reached around to cover her mouth. She licked my fingers and it sent a direct signal between my legs and I had to shift myself. Her innocence was still too much, even if her body was turning into a woman.

I watched as my dad cursed up a storm, my mom had already run inside. 

“Dang, he’s really mad,” Holly said, pushing my hand away. 

“Of course he is, this doesn’t fit into their picture perfect little plan,” I said, wondering how long we could last up here.

Hadn’t really thought that through. I figured everyone would run off and we’d be able to hop down. Suddenly the water shut off and dad just pulled out a chair and sat down. I didn’t like that. It was like he was almost too mad, it was creepy.

“What now,” she whispered, just in my ear.

Looks like we’re gonna be here awhile, hopefully neither of us has to pee.

My dad sat there for an hour … a flipping hour. Holly fell asleep and it was all I could do to stay awake and make sure we didn’t fall, it had to be after midnight.

Finally, he stood, clothes still soaked.

“I truly hope this was worth it, Slade. You disappoint me,” he said, and turned to walk inside.

Fuck.