The following week. I'm quiet in class. I do all my assignments and midterms happen. I don't take Blake's midterm. For whatever reason he grants me an extension and let's me pick it up in an office as a take home exam. I didn't ask for special treatment. It just happened this way."Cora you're quiet. You haven't said shit all week. You still didn't tell me how your date with that...umm grad student went. I'm assuming it didn't go well if you've been quiet for a few days."Evie talks in circles around me and I don't know how to respond. It's not her fault I fucked a college professor and expected him to be mine for a time. He was too busy making arrangements elsewhere. And I've been cast as the understudy. Nothing feels worse than that and I don't know if I'll ever come out on top again."Yeah, it sucked and I don't want to talk about it now or ever. I hate men. Let's have a girl's night. Let's watch To All the Boys I've Loved Before."Evie throws a pillow at me and pops a bag of popco
Professor Oakley and I won't see each other during break. Instead I'm going to spend the next three nights at a water park to soak my troubles away. My mother got us a ridiculously expensive room and Evie is going to join us. We are also bringing Evie's little five-year-old cousin named Doug. Doug is cute, I'll give him that. His hair is extra curly and tight.The water park is called the Big Bear Lodge. Bear themed photos, posters, and mascots flood the hotel in an obnoxious way. If I remember that this place is for children it makes it easier to be here. A man in a large bear mascot costume greets us. He hands out lollipops and stickers. They give us wristbands so we can enter the water park.As we check in I see another family entering the Big Bear Lodge. There's a man who looks just like Isaac Oakley waltzing in. He's carrying a child who appears to be two with brown hair. Another child is holding his hand who appears to be four. She's a little girl with cute pigtails and matching
The thing about dating a college professor is that it's hard to keep it a secret. When I was six-years-old, Evie and I had all the secrets in the world to ourselves. But the thing about being six is that at some point you have to grow up. I don't know when I grew up and secrets became harder, but this is a secret I'm so sick of keeping. This secret eats me alive from the inside out. It's hard to love someone so much and know that if I kiss them in public it could damn their career. Maybe it would be better to let Blake go. I wonder if he'll let me go.If he let me go, I think he'd be forced to. It's apparent to me that he cares a great deal for me. His affection for me is fleeting. Like the fall leaves that change with the seasons. The fall leaves are beautiful when they're in full bloom but at some point the leaves come off and the bones of the tree are shown.I don't want to be a boned tree yet. When my leaves fall off, then my relationship will be revealed. Leaves cover a tree and
It's nice to be hours away from the university. It's a little weird that my mom has seen Blake. But in a way it's also nice. It's nice that she has an idea of who he is. She doesn't know what he is, or at least I hope not. If it ever got leaked that I am in love with my professor, and that he loved me back. Well that's the day I hope never comes.For our date, Blake takes me to a nice Italian restaurant but there's a twist. It has a dance floor. He once said he taught ballroom dancing. Nothing is sexier than watching men move women with Latin rhythms. They guide them and turn them in ways that resemble sex."Blake, how did you even know this place was here?" My cheeks turn a bright red, a cherry pink forms. I can see it on my face in a mirror on the restaurant wall."Are you blushing? That's adorable. Yes, I knew it was here. A long time ago, I took Stacey here. It was ten years ago. I'm old, remember.""You're not old. You're hot as fuck," I say loudly as my voice echoes across the r
I sneak back into my hotel room. My mother however notices and by the look on her face she knows, that I was out all night with Blake. I'm old enough now that she can't tell me what to do, but her opinion and disapproval of me make me want to back up into my turtle shell.My mother is playing on her phone, and her eyebrows are crossed. She looks back and forth between her phone screen and me. It's five in the morning, but she still has a sternness about her that is off-putting and terrifying, like the time I was grounded for a month for stealing a pocketful of candy in middle school."Cora, you and I have a lot to talk about."Mom hands me her phone, it's open to the university staff directory. The photo of Professor Blake Oakley is smiling in his staff photo, and the gig is up. She's figured out who he is, and there's no reason to pretend he's a graduate student anymore. My mother took it upon herself to do some digging, I was going to tell her eventually but not during fall break."
Fall break is over. I didn't see Blake at the hotel before checkout and he didn't text me back. Luckily Spencer wasn't around for the rest of the weekend either. But my mother and her spying still lumes heavily in the air. When I was little my mom used to watch Scooby Doo with me and read Nancy Drew stories. Both of these tales are about mysteries and solving them, and like a detective she has figured me out. Thanks Motherly Sherlock for making me feel guilt and shame about my young adult decisions.Growing up we were always taught to make the right decisions. But how can you know what the right ones are, if you don't sometimes experience the bad? My mom would tell me not to go to high school drinking parties, but why? After attending a few I now see why it is bad. Are we not to discover evil and hurt for ourselves so we grow on our own? I can't learn from her past mistakes if she doesn't tell me about them. I can't learn from what she did if she doesn't speak up to teach me. Did she
Who does Dante think he is? Telling me what to do. If only Blake and I thought about the window that day. If only we hadn't kissed in my hall director's bedroom. That moment of happiness has been captured on a smart phone and is now our undoing. The only way out is for me to pull my pants down and fuck Dante senseless.I've gone from virgin, to lover, to campus slut in the span of two months. If only I never applied and got accepted into Nordstrom University. My life would have been different if I skipped college altogether. Evie talked me into coming here. I should have followed my heart and worked at the local coffee shop for a year instead.Some of our other high school classmates are taking a gap year this year. A year in between high school and university to take a break from studying and discover something else. Maybe a fun job at a coffee shop for a year would have been better for me. I could just throw the towel in now and leave this place. It's settled. I'll fuck Dante. Save
I know Evie means well and I'm sure Benjamin will be able to provide us with a means to blackmail Dante. But regardless of all that, I want to see Blake again before I walk the valley of death. The valley of death is where I protect Blake and am as exposed as I can be. It's where I am naked and nothing. It's where the ugliness of my shame destroys my soul which I can no longer protect. It's where I am both predator or prey depending on whose asking. It's the place I fear most at night when the lights go out.My phone beeps and it's Dante. He's already sending me sexy outfits to buy. The slut shaming I will receive a Nordstrom University will be gut wrenching. It's as if it already happened and everyone knows. I mine as well be naked in the street with my body exposed for them to mock. That's what Dante's text has done to me. My anxiety is high and my hope wanes. Hope is the only thing getting me through this turmoil and now that's gone to.I open the text and one of the swim suits is
Winter is the time of year when the snow falls and the bleakness and dry air force my skin to expand and my pours to crack. Fires bring on the warm and heat that defeats the snow and forces it to melt off my skin. As a child snow and sledding brought out a joy in me. Making snow angels with mom was a great comfort in the grand scheme of the world. We would both wear our infamous snow gear and glide together through the snow on sleds or throw snowballs at each other.When it came to snow forts we weren't the best at designing igloos. My mother's lack of building skills didn't include a roof. Her designs for a snow structure were more like a wall and was more often than not used as a defense mechanism against another snowball fight. At the end of all our snow play, I could always count and rely on mom to make cookies and hot chocolate. She would melt dark chocolate on a stove and add milk and all kinds of spices like a potions master and within five minutes heaven was created. Heaven
My appetite comes and goes. I'm craving weird things. It's like I'm a new and different person than I've ever been before. Being pregnant is a weird feeling, it's an out of body experience. Something or someone rather is growing inside of me and I have no say or control over how their development will affect my body. It's Christmas break and all the festivities are starting. I haven't bought my mom or Evie anything for Christmas. Me: Would you like to go Christmas shopping with me? Isaac: Sure. It's a bit unexpected but I'm not doing anything right now. Want me to pick you up? Me: Sure, I really need to talk to you. Isaac: Okay. I will be there in ten minutes. Isaac is true to his word, in less than ten minutes he and his car pull into my driveway. Mom knows why I am going out. It's time to confess to at least one of the Oakley brothers. I don't have the heart to tell Blake without Isaac's support. Isaac gets out of the car and opens the door for me. His car is full of booster
Mom and Evie accompany me to my baby appointment. The waiting room smells like toddler poop, latex gloves, and baby vomit. Other mothers with varying sizes of belly bumps fill the room. Some are glowing and some look defeated. Two women are crying and one is nursing. Being a mother looks sacrificial and confusing, maybe this is a bad idea. I don't have to be a mom. Someone else could raise it and Blake would never need to know. Perhaps Blake being out of my life is for the best."Cora Wellington." A nurse calls my name and Evie and mom follow behind me."Well, this is it. We are going to find out the gender.""Actually today you will get an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat. As for the gender it's probably to early to tell. We will have to see."The truth is I haven't had a period in two months but I haven't put much thought into it. I just figured stress and being bullied changed my body chemistry. I never considered pregnancy, not once. I suppose most women my age wouldn't consider
A week goes by, finals have come and gone. That little place on campus where Professor Oakley once had an office is now empty. The professor he filled in for has agreed to return. Finals week was hard to get through and everyone found out of course.The double date got cancelled. Isaac texts me from time to time to see if I'm alright. Little does he know that we really are going to be family soon. He will be the uncle of the child inside me. He's been like a big brother to me for awhile now, and I'm happy to say it has been most comforting.The two pink lines have been terrifying and I haven't had the courage to tell my mom about it. She'd be happy and disappointed. I know she wouldn't turn me away. I'm her only family. Everyone in my family has left or died. We only have each other for every holiday. A baby would brighten her world and I know she'd be a wonderful grandma.My car is still full of my university boxes and suitcases. I've been too lazy to lift them and too concerned the
Packing my belongings is hard. Although, President McIntyre has given me his permission to live on campus through finals week, I prefer to commute regardless of the long drive. I haven't told Evie about Blake and our double date. Isaac sprung that on him, and he truly didn't seem interested in pursuing us. My hopes of having what we once had together has diminished. I'm the reminder of the biggest mistake of his life.He made it known that I'm a reminder of his downfall. His career ending falls on my lips and ends at my feet. His biggest regret is bumping into me that first day, when all his papers went flying. I didn't know it then, but it was the beginning of the end.My stomach aches and churns. I go to the bathroom and throw up. It's not like me to get sick. When I'm ill it's usually colds and migraines. Stomach illnesses are for other people who don't wash their hands prior to eating. Perhaps the emotional roller coaster I'm facing has triggered the vomit response within me. It's
Walking away from Cora isn't exactly what I wanted. But it's necessary if I am to ever move on from here. Nordstrom University is my low point, following the death of my Stacey."You bastard. You bloody coward. Cora did everything for you and you turned her back on her. You rat bastard. She was going to fuck someone else to save your job. She came clean because I found out about Dante. And you turn her down now. Now after President McIntyre knows. What has gotten into you?" Isaac asks as he helps me clean up my office."I knew you'd say something like that. I don't expect you to understand. You have the perfect life. I'm a mess." I start placing my photos and memories of Stacey that are hidden in my office closet into the boxes that President McIntyre had sent up for me."You don't know what you're talking about," Isaac says."Sure, I do. You have the perfect family and a loyal wife. She's alive. She's breathing."Isaac takes a large cardboard box and slams it down on my desk."No, s
The meeting with President McIntyre has ended. He listened intently to Cora's stories about Dante."Is that everything then? Is there any more you both would like to share? It is a lot of information to take in, I can assure you of that. As for both of you, Cora I accept your transfer to another university after this semester. And Blake, as for you I think your resignation is for the best. Please start packing your office immediately, and I will personally teach your remaining classes for the remainder of the year. Give me any and all lesson plans you may have. If you have a final exam written please email it to me, even if it's a rough draft. Never in my forty-two years of teaching have I experienced anything like this. Of all the shenanigans, of all the scandals, this is probably the cherry on top of my academic career. You will never teach again Blake Oakley. I can assure you of that, and as for you Cora. I will see to it personally that this Dante character is dealt with. I can as
After delaying Dante for as long as I can, my time to decide is upon me. It's not an easy place to be in. Do I try to be with Dante or do I confess and get kicked out of the university? I was never college material to begin with. My mother paid for tutoring all way through high school. She can deny it all she wants but I'm convinced I have a learning disability of some kind. It took me years to learn how to read and I confuse letters sometimes. Mother never got me tested for anything. I can't hold a bad decision against mom, but it didn't make studying any easier.If I were college material perhaps I would be sad at the prospect of possibly being kicked out. But right now I don't care. The pressure to study and memorize is just daunting to me. Writing papers makes my anxiety high. I think I would be better suited to something else, but what that is I'm not sure. I just want to go home and become a barista for a year or two. Having a gap year or two might have been a better choice for
Dante pulls a chair up to me. His eyes tell a story of jealous, hurt, and anger. I hand him a cup of coffee and prepare to listen to whatever story he wishes to tell. Some stories are important to listen to and if I want to not get fired I had better listen this time. I suspect that no matter what happens I will not be teaching at Nordstrom University for very long. If Dante knows about Cora and I, and what transpired between us before the break up, then my job has already been on egg shells from the beginning. I always knew this would be the case.There was always the possibility of this relationship ruining me. It was always a likelihood. I knew it right from the start, but I kissed her anyway. I could have been fired and yet I loved her anyway. I love her still. I love her as Cora Worthington and not as Stacey Oakley. I always knew she compared herself to Stacey, but I ignored it for the most part. Perhaps I shouldn't have done that to her. Perhaps I shouldn't have let our paths