- LOUISA -We decide to get one of those giant road atlases of the United States they sell at gas stations. We have to dig through three layers of racy magazines to find one on the shelf at the place we stop, but I'm just grateful they still sell these things at all. Most people would just pull up an application on their phone or something. But my cell is back at the estate with the rest of my things, and Ward's phone is several years old - he can't do much but make calls and send text messages.We prop the atlas up against the dash of Ward's car and flip through it page by page. Each map is a web of roads, a tapestry of colored lines. There's a page for every state, as well as close-ups of all the major cities. There's also a larger map of the entire continental United States. When I look at that page, when I see how everything connects, it really does feel like we could go anywhere.I've always loved maps. But I haven't held an atlas in my hands for years. My father gave me one on
- LOUISA -It's my smell that comes back first. I smell food. Something smoky. Somewhere far away, my stomach rumbles in response to the delicious scent.I gulp in a mouthful of air. My cheek is tingling. My whole face is throbbing.And someone is shouting."...hit her! What the fuck?"I know that voice. That's Ward's voice. Ward is shouting. Why is Ward shouting?I try to move, and pain shoots through my skull. It comes back to me slowly - the fight, my interference, Ward's eyes suddenly going wide - and I realize I was hit. The waiter punched me in the side of the face."What the fuck is wrong with you?" Ward shouts at the other man.Carefully, I sit up. The world only spins for a minute, and I take that as a good sign. And then hands - Ward's hands - are on me, lifting me to my feet. Everything falls into focus around me. The newspaper stands have been knocked over, and several dozen images of my face are scattered across the floor. When I look up across the dining room, I f
- LOUISA -"Your pick," I say, nudging the atlas in Ward's direction.We're sitting in the car, our book of maps propped up against the dashboard. Ward rubs his chin as he studies the network of roads on the page."I say we follow the highway into Delaware," he says. "Then New Jersey. We'll hit Pennsylvania on the way to New York."We crossed over into Maryland this morning. We decided to skirt Washington D.C. - given the state of my face, it seemed like a good idea to avoid large cities. Ward's purchases last night also included some makeup and a pair of over-sized sunglasses for me, but neither is particularly successful at hiding the fact that the entire left side of my face is black and blue."Sounds like a plan to me," I say, sliding the sunglasses up onto the top of my head and studying the map. "They don't look that far apart. Think we can hit them all today?"He nods. "Honestly, I'm guessing it's probably only about four hours from here to New York City. But that's assumi
- LOUISA -Afterward, Ward slides back over to his side of the car, and I collapse against my seat, too exhausted and too overwhelmed to move.My body is still trembling, and my skin is burning with heat. I'm damp with sweat - both his and mine - and my hair is plastered to my neck and cheeks. I'm perfectly satisfied - stretched and sore and buzzing with the pleasure he gave me - and I let out a contented sigh.I know I should be a little more worried about the fact that we forgot the condom, but it's hard to muster any regret after an experience like that. If I'm being perfectly honest, I wanted to experience him that way - as truly and fully as possible. I can still feel the heat of him between my legs.I tilt my head and look over at Ward. He's leaning back against his seat, and his chest is still heaving. His hands are resting on his stomach, and one of his fingers taps a beat against his skin. He's staring at the roof of the car, probably listening to the rain that still pound
- LOUISA -I need to tell him.I've been putting it off, trying to figure out what I might say to prepare him for what's to come. I need to just drag him into a supermarket and show him the magazine - or at the very least, get over myself and spit it out already - but every time I open my mouth to say something, he'll grin or laugh and look so happy that I can't bear to take that away from him.I could watch him for hours. Study every little movement in his face. Count the times he bites down slightly on his lower lip as he hums along to a song on the radio. Admire the variations of color in the stubble on his cheeks and jaw.Soon, that face will be everywhere. All over the gossip sites on the internet. All over the tabloids in every supermarket.I only saw the magazine last night. Maybe he can live in ignorance for another few days. But if the situation were reversed...I'd want to know. And if he's going to hear it sooner or later, it's better that he hears it from me. Before thi
- LOUISA -I tell myself that Ward and I are ready for anything, that no number of magazine articles or posts on gossip sites will shake us. Let them say what they want. Let them speculate about our relationship and dig up our secrets. It won't change how Ward and I feel about each other.But I'm used to this. Not that you ever really get used to that sort of attention - but at the very least, I've learned how to live with it. It never stops being strange seeing your face on the cover of a magazine.Ward, on the other hand, is dealing with this for the first time.The day after I tell him about Celebrity Spark Magazine, we stop at a gas station to refill and pick up some snacks. I slip away to the bathroom, and when I return to the front of the convenience store, I find Ward looking through the racks of magazines.He has the latest issue of Celebrity Spark in his hands, and he stares down at the cover for a long time before flipping it open and finding the article. I don't try to
- LOUISA -I've never seen Ward like this. Not at Huntington Manor. Not even when I was punched. He's perfectly still.And then all of a sudden his hand darts out. He grabs the magazine off of the rack. Tears through the pages.They didn't even bother to come up with a different title for the accompanying article. They just repeat the same, cold phrase across the top of the page.Edward Carolson: Dead at 58.I know that headline. I saw something similar on dozens of publications when my father died. On a hundred websites. It's always the same: blunt and sensational at the same time. Like the people who appear in these magazines are fictional characters, and every event of their life is just one more scene in that massive soap opera. Like they don't leave behind real people who have to see reminders of their loved ones wherever they turn.Ward's hands are shaking. He's still holding the magazine open, but the pages are fluttering. I don't think he can even read the article.I'm s
- LOUISA -"I'm thinking of going to the funeral," he says the following morning.We're sitting on the bed, munching on tiny boxes of cereal - a.k.a. the motel's "complimentary breakfast" - and pretending to pay attention to the morning show flashing on the television. Those are the first words either of us have said in the last hour.Everything feels so strange between us now. Something has shifted between us, opened up - but while part of me welcomes this new sense of vulnerability, there's an awkwardness between us that wasn't there before. We've both stripped ourselves bare, and now we don't seem to know what to do.I grab some cereal with my fingers and shove it into my mouth. I haven't even thought about Carolson's funeral, but it doesn't surprise me that Ward wants to go."I have to figure out where it is and how I'll get there," he says. "But I shouldn't be gone more than a couple of - ""If you're going, I'm going," I tell him.He blinks at me, looking shocked. Does he
- CALDER -I wait until both Lily and the baby are asleep before I decide to sneak out. As much as I want to sit here with her in my arms forever, our conversation about her mother reminded me of a call I need to make.I look down at her before I leave. Her brown hair is in a messy bun on her head, and she doesn't have a stitch of makeup on, but I don't think I've ever seen her look so beautiful. I lean over and press a kiss against her forehead as I lift our sleeping son out of her arms.He's so tiny that I'm afraid I'll break him. But even though he was born a little early, the doctor told us he's perfectly healthy - and after hearing him scream this morning, I'm tempted to believe him. This little guy has quite a pair of lungs on him.I settle him gently in the bed the nurse wheeled in for him. I can see so much of Lily in him - and so much of myself. I knew I would love my son, but the intensity of my feelings is startling. When I think of how close I came to losing both of the
- LILY – Two Days LaterThey won't tell me what happened.I remember the pain. The screaming. The fear.I remember hearing the first, sweet cry from my son's throat.I remember the miracle of Calder's voice, the proof that he was alive.But after that, there's only darkness.I woke up yesterday morning in the hospital. Calder tells me they were able to get an air ambulance out to us at the estate, but he won't give me any more details than that about what happened two nights ago after he made it to the house. And there's a desperate, hollow look in his eyes when I ask, so I don't press him for details.Honestly? I'm not sure I want to know.And truthfully, it doesn't matter. Calder is alive. I'm alive. And our son is here. So much has happened in the past couple of days, and none of it feels real.I look down at the tiny little human in my arms. He's perfect. Even though he arrived a couple of weeks before his due date, he's still round and healthy. He emerged with a thick cro
- LOUISA -Just stay calm.Just stay calm.Just stay calm.It doesn't matter how many times I say it to myself - it gets harder with every passing second. I spend almost twenty minutes searching for my cell phone in the rain, but I can't find it anywhere. It's not in the car. It's not on the driveway. It's just gone. Finally, I force myself to give up the search and return to check on Lily - and I'm not a moment too soon.If I had any hope that we might make it through the night without this baby - after all, I was in labor for nineteen hours - it's fading fast. After five minutes at Lily's side, it's clear that her little one has no intention of waiting for help to arrive, and she seems to know it, too. Even if I thought I still had a chance of finding my cell phone, I can't leave Lily now.Both Ward and Calder are still out there somewhere. It's just me and Lily - and a whimpering Ramona, who's still clearly confused and terrified. I long to go over to my daughter, to pick her
- LOUISA -Lily's face has gone white."Calder?" she says into the phone, her voice cracking. "Calder! Calder, answer me!" Her hand visibly shakes as she pulls the phone away from her ear."What's going on?" I ask her, running over and shifting Ramona in my arms. I've just managed to get my little girl to stop crying. "What happened?"She doesn't answer. Instead she hits a couple of buttons on the screen, presumably calling him again. I glance over at Ward, but he looks just as shocked and confused as I feel.After a moment, Lily drops the phone, her eyes wide with horror."What happened?" I ask again, my stomach sinking further with every passing second. Something is wrong. Something is desperately wrong. Ramona starts to whimper in my arms."Lily," Ward says firmly. "You have to tell us what's happening."Lily glances up, blinking, as if she's suddenly remembered she's not alone."Something happened," she whispers. "Something happened to Calder."She's in shock, that much i
- CALDER -Lily is in labor. Lily is in labor.That thought drives out everything else - even the raw, gnawing feeling in my gut when I think about what Michelle has done - and suddenly nothing matters but getting to my wife.If I was a madman on the road before, it's nothing to how I drive now. I don't care about the rain or the traffic. I don't care if a cop chases me down for driving twice the speed limit. I'm getting to that hospital. Getting to my wife.I should have been there, I think. I should have been by her side when this started. But though the guilt eats away at me, I can't think about that now. I have one concern and one concern only - getting to her. Being with her as soon as humanly possible. Holding her hand as the pain comes. Even over the phone, I could hear the fear in her voice.I need to be with her.And if I have to kill myself to get to her, I will.. . . . .- WARD -Keep it together, man. They're counting on you.I hate that I have to remind myself o
- LOUISA -It might be storming outside, but I'm determined to make today a little brighter."I have a surprise for you," I tell Ward.It took me half an hour to find him after I put Ramona down for her afternoon nap. Even though I've insisted that he take a break from his restoration projects, Ward has continued to work, and I find him retouching the paint in a bedroom in the eastern wing. He's currently perched on a ladder with a paintbrush in his hand.When he grins down at me, I know he couldn't be happier to see me."What sort of surprise?" he asks, and his expression makes my heart skip a beat. He climbs down the ladder and stands in front of me.I drink him in as he wipes the back of his hand across his forehead. His T-shirt has streaks of paint on it, and there's a new hole in his jeans, but somehow all of it works together to make him look irresistibly yummy. Something wells up inside of me as I admire him - and the way he's looking at me right now brings the blood rushi
- CALDER -Less than two hours later, Michelle and I are in Barberville and I've got her set up at a modest little extended stay hotel just outside of downtown. I've prepaid for a two-week stay, and after that, I'll reassess the situation and figure out the best course of action. Michelle told Lily that she was looking for a job in the area, but since learning the truth about her health, I'm not sure whether that was an empty claim or not. Either way, though, now is not the time to be making any rash decisions. Lily comes first. We'll deal with Michelle after the baby is here.I'm getting ready to leave when a thought occurs to me."Lily will have lots of questions when she learns the truth. And she'll want you to start treatment as soon as possible."She starts to protest. "I still don't think I want treatment - ""At the very least, will you go talk to a doctor here in town? Explore your options? I'll pay for your visit, of course."She hesitates, then nods. "All right."I tur
- LOUISA -I'm in the office on the south side of the house, working out some of the final details of my surprise honeymoon trip for Ward, when Calder stalks into the room."Good morning," I say - though you'd hardly know it was morning, considering how overcast it is outside today. When I glance up and see his face, my fingers freeze on the computer keyboard. "What's wrong? Is it Lily?"We had a bit of a scare yesterday, what with Lily getting rushed to the hospital. She'll be on bed rest for the duration of her term, but both mother and baby are healthy - or so I thought. Calder looks like he's hardly slept. There are dark circles under his eyes, and he seems agitated."We need to figure out what Lily's mother wants," Calder says, jerking a hand through his hair. "It's that woman's fault that Lily is in this state."I lean back in my chair and glance over at Ramona. She's in her playpen over by the window, and she's pulled herself up onto her feet so that she can watch her uncle
- CALDER -That was too close.My jaw hurts from clenching. My mind won't slow down. I've been pacing the same spot on the floor for so long that I'm surprised I haven't worn a hole into the boards.It was only a false alarm, I remind myself. Lily is fine - for now - and the doctor said she was only having Braxton-Hicks contractions, probably made worse by stress. But even though she's now safe in our bed, I still can't seem to make myself calm down. When it comes time for the real thing... I don't even want to think about it."There's no need to be so worked up," Lily tells me. "Everything is fine. Come to bed.""Everything is not all right," I say. "Your mother upset you so much that you - ""It was my dad's fault, too," she says. "And it was a false alarm. I'm all right. No harm done.""Maybe not this time, but I'm not willing to take that chance again." I resume my pacing. "That woman needs to go.""I agree," she says. "And she's already looking for a place. But in the mean