1

Ryan Dixit

“ Two expresso, before that bring a glass of ice water “ I placed my order, losing my tie leisurely. 

Nodding with a promising smile, the waitress walked away adjusting her cap that had the cafe name written on it. Inhaling the aroma of coffee that was spreaded in every corner of the cafe, I leaned back resting my back on the soft surface of the chair. 

Placing my phone on the table, I looked around. The place was cosy and peaceful that I needed most at this point. I felt my heartbeats falling calm by the  Slow melody music playing in the background. The big windows allowed fresh winds to enter inside making the atmosphere more fresh for me to relax and loosen a bit. 

Deep brown colour of the tables pleased my eyes after spending the whole day staring at laptop screens in the office. 

“ The atmosphere is good here, right ?” 

Snapping my head towards the source of the voice, I looked at Nandy who was sitting right in front of me. 

“ hmm “ I hummed in response with a smile. 

Nandy is my college classmate, despite being in the same class we never really talked to each other. But we knew each other as classmates for a long time. She was the pretty calm girl who would wear pink as everything and I was a boner-shrinker guy whom people wouldn’t care to look at. 

Round thick glasses, worn out clothes and dirty muddy shoes became one of the reasons why my classmates didn’t pay attention to me even though I was a college topper. My financial status was much more important to them than my academic scores. Those were the days I learnt what life without money is, and how people can be pure shit sometimes. I faced every humiliation,  Body shaming and bullying there. But I never got the courage to raise my voice against them, because I was just a normal middle class ugly boy whose mother was working day and night to provide her son with the necessities of life. I endured everything and focused on my studies because I knew, only education can get me out of this miserable life of ours. 

And that was when Nandy came. She would often smile at me, making me feel good about everything. I felt so like a normal person when she just smiled at me between lectures or whenever she passed by me. She made me feel good, when everyone around me made fun of how i appeared. She treated me equally and I'm thankful for that to her, because during those days I yearned for that comforting smile from people, and only she did. Sometimes, she would ask for notes from me, making me feel noticed. The small gestures from her made a big difference in my hardship filled days. 

We used to exchange notes, sometimes I would teach her the topics that she can’t understand and sometimes she would bring homemade food for me. We had a cute bond. It wasn’t friendship, not any affection or attachment. Just a simple humidity gesture that one shows towards another. For a person like me who was already dealing with something that I couldn't share with anyone, she had done a lot of good things.  And like everything has an expiry date, our bond too had. On the day of farewell we bid goodbye to each other with a smiling face. There wasn’t a single amount of sadness in our goodbyes.Of course, she played a big part in my life, and I would never forget her, and I hoped she would feel the same for me.

Since that farewell day, a lot of things have changed in my life and very few things have changed me in my life. I can’t say whether the changes did good to me or not, but i know now i’m a better person than i was before. I’ve progressed and achieved some height of fame and success that I always wanted and dreamed of. I’ve started my own business, my first company. And for a starter like me, getting all the positive responses in the market is such a blissful thing. Of course the initial days were hard, but I never stopped making efforts and today I can say that my company will make it to the top ten in the next one or two years. I’m so confident about that. And still, I'm not satisfied with my life. I’ve everything that one could wish for except the peace of heart. I did everything single thing hoping that in some way I would be able to fill the void of my heart. Nevertheless all I faced was dead ends. 

“ Ryan…” Nandy’s soft voice brought me back to the present from my thoughts. 

“ haan  “ I looked at her expecting her to continue with what she started. 

Nandy smiled gently before looking around as if she was having second thoughts of what she wanted to talk to me about. 

“ So, any plans for the weekend ?” she asked, scrolling through her phone. 

“ Nothing much, I have some work to do before monday. So I can't think about enjoying the weekend. “ I told her while I made self notes of things I have to complete before monday. 

She looked up at me from her phone screen “ really, man. You're such a pain. Always thinking about work, work and work only. Sometimes, you should go out and live the life Ryan” 

“ yeah, sure, anything else ma’am ?” I gave her a good look and she just glared at me in response. Because, this happens everytime we meet. It’s like she always looks for an opportunity to lecture me on living life and bla…bla…bla.

“ Hmmm, I can see the changes in you btw, after years when I met you I didn't expect that you’ll be changed into a totally different person though, '' she said with a smudging smile. 

After years passed, we met at a business party a few months ago. At first I thought it’s my mind that created an illusion of hers as I was half drunk at that party, but Nandy herself walked to me and asked me if I still remember her. 

Of Course i remember her, the girl who made me feel good and gave me few beautiful memories to cherish, the girl who treated me good despite when the whole class made fun of her for doing that, she was really good to me, and how would i forgot someone who made me feel good while others just made sure that their actions makes me feel disgusted with myself. How can I forget someone who was good to me in my bad days?

It was a spark of a moment, we were happy to see each other in such an unexpected way. 

Nearly after ten years, yet when we talked it felt like those ten years were never there between us as if we just yesterday bid goodbye to each other at a farewell party and met tonight. We didn’t feel odd for the long gap we had. After that party, we met several times and shared what is up with our lives. 

I came to know that she divorced her husband two years back, as she caught him red-handed cheating on her. I felt bad for her, as I have experienced how it feels when someone you trust the most in your life, breaks your trust. I know that pain, I've been there and knowing that she also went through the same kind of  pain I couldn't form words to console her. But to my surprise, she didn’t need to be consoled because she was over that pain long ago  and asked me not to look at her with sympathy. I was amazed to see her eyes shining with pride, yeah, pride of standing for herself and not tolerating any bullshit on the name of culture and marriage vows.

Later, I totally enjoyed the surprised look on her face when I told her about me owning a company. The struggle and sacrifices of the last seven years had paid off. To reach this point, I had worked in several IT companies to gain the experience and practical knowledge about business. Few months of working in IT had helped my financial status a bit, but I was not satisfied with that at all, I needed more. And  step by step I achieved everything that I had dreamed and worked for. Of course it took seven years for me to reach this place, and these seven years cost my whole youthness. After masters, I joined IT companies and worked day and night to provide a somewhat decent house to my mother, for which she doesn’t have to manage rents by selling her jewels . Good food and her health was my first priority. And slowly I started to invest in the share market which returned me double. Yet i wasn;t satisfied with what I had then. After three years of working in IT I quit the job when I was sure that whatever I had earned was enough for the start-up business I had planned long ago. I faced loss constantly for eight straight months, but I didn't give up and went on. Failures, and losses taught me more than any success can. I kept trying and patience was all I had then knowing  that good things take time. 

Nandy was excited and happy for me, so I was. 

It’s been two months since we have been meeting and getting to know each other. I could say that she is a potential friend. 

“ I think I've started to like you, not as a friend but ummm….. We could be a thing actually.“ her eyes delighted with joy when she utter those words and looked away not able to contain the blush.  

A soft giggle left my mouth as i put my both kunkles under my chin and spoke “ as if i would believe that, try something else ma’am”

She snapped her head at me and opened her mouth to say something but stopped when the waitress interpreted us by placing the order on the table and left after greeting us with a smile as always. 

We took our cup’s and sipped the expresso in utter silence, in between I caught her stealing glances at me.by now I realised that she was not playing around. 

Suddenly the air became thick, making it hard for me to breathe. I lost the colour of my face and kept staring at her, not knowing what to say or how to react. 

I never thought about her this way, she has been a good person to me since college days, and when we met again after a decade she is still a good person to me, more of like a well wisher. No doubt she is an intelligent, independent and pretty hearted person. I'm sure whoever she chooses as her life partner is so lucky to have her but I can't imagine her to be anything other than a Friend figure. Even though I'm a much changed person now than before, yet I can't think of her as something more than a friend. 

I was so lost in my thoughts and finding a way to react without hurting her feelings, just then I heard her maniac laugh. 

“ you…..” gritting my teeths i was shooting daggers at her when she kept laughing while holding her stomach. Her laughing noise was so loud that I looked around to see if we were disturbing others who were present there.

Thankfully everyone was busy in their own world, and I was saved from the embarrassing looks which I would have gotten from them. 

“ Why are you so scared of relationships ? just look at your face….” she said in between her laughs. 

“ stop laughing “ I was still glaring at her. 

And took her few seconds to put a break on her laughs, “ okay, no more jokes. Now tell me seriously why are you still single ?” her eyes held concern for me. 

This is the fourth time she has asked me about this in these two months, and every time I had successfully diverted her from this topic not wanting to answer her. But this time, I have decided to face it rather than running away from her question. 

“ I'm not scared, it’s just I never felt that kind of … “ 

She cut me off from the middle and spoke. “ not that crap again, be honest Ryan” 

I sighed “ I'm scared “ while saying that I lowered my head not being able to look at her. 

“  but wha…” 

I didn’t let her speak “ before you start with your reactions and lectures, let me complete why I'm scared of relationships”

She nodded her head slightly, waiting for me to complete what I had started.  

“ a relationship without love is horrible Nandy, trust me i have seen a lot of people being in relationship without being in Love with each other.  And I'm scared to get into that kind of relationship. Just imagine being in a relationship without love, it would be so artificial and fake. No spark, no feelings and filled with just the needs of two people. Isn’t that horrible ?” I asked her as I leaned in to make my voice and point clear to her. 

She placed the cup on the table and rasped “ why would you say that ? First of all, why are you thinking that you’ll get into a relationship without being in love ? I mean, Love is everywhere man, I'm sure one day you’ll find that love and…”  

I took a few seconds to gather my thoughts and began to speak “ Nandy,” I stopped her in the middle of whatever she was about to say as she looked at me questioningly and  I continued “  a relationship means being in Love, and Love means connection of two souls right ? ``Looking up at her, I raised my eyebrows asking her. 

She thought for a second before nodding her head agreeing with what I had said. 

Rubbing my thumb on the surface of the cup playfully I replied “ my soul died long ago, and now I'm just a human with flashes, veins and blood. I only have a body, there’s no soul in it.and without the soul, how can i fall in love. '' I tried my best to sound clear and confident while saying that, but all that came out was whispers of words. 

I could see the change of expression on her face. In a few seconds her eyes turned glossy, even though she doesn’t know the actual reason why I said that yet she felt for me. 

I gave a lopsided smile and took the last sip of espresso. 

I have never been in Love, but I know what love is and I respect that. Love is something that binds two souls together, Love is something that makes you feel so intertwined and connected to them. Love creates an inexplicable, powerful emotional bond to another person. A relationship is not just two people being together, a relationship means two soils connected together because where there is a relationship there should be Love. 

  Isn't it ?

The clouds turned darker covering the place in gloomy shade, forceful winds created a rhythm with trees as the atmosphere got even more uncertain. 

Within a few seconds the pitter patter of rain started filling the atmosphere rushfull, few people were  running for shalters to save themselves from the rain while others opened their umbrellas with a knowing smile as if they knew their prediction of weather  would come true. 

Lowering the glass of the window, I looked out and found many people  closing their glass windows to save themselves from rain drops falling on them. I chuckled for my silliness and inheld the fresh and musty smell of rain. I could see sudden life in every non-living thing. Roofs of car danced with spray, traffic lights looked so radiant like never before, the dusts of building was washed away by the spraying rain and now those building looks like newly builded and painted ones, roads were not less than a pool yet i was amazed to see kids playing in that dirty and muddy water with a twinkling eyes and million dollars smile on their faces. School students were walking on pathways with umbrellas as they were more concerned about their school bags and uniforms. Birds flew faster to get settled under shady trees and places that can cover them well from the rain. Everything seemed fresh and full of life in the rain. I just wanted to keep staring but I knew in the next few minutes this traffic jam would get cleared and would have to move forward from here. 

Like every usul day I was driving back to my home from the office after wrapping up my work. And for a routine fact, I was extremely tired after attending back to back meetings for my next project that I'm working on. 

I have been so busy with my work that I can hardly think about myself. But in a way, this feels right. Because when I'm busy I don’t have to think about anything else that would disturb my mental peace. 

While driving back home I got stuck in massiv traffic. Being frustrated, I was constantly looking for a way to get out of this traffic. But the moment I saw the clouds turning darker and thicker all my frustrations flew away as the breezy atmosphere took over my mind.

At this moment, everything seems right. I’m not able to find any loophole that can spoil this moment of nature. The rain, winds and this traffic jam, everything feels so right. I don’t feel the rush to reach anywhere, I don't have any complaints about the roads of India or any other things. I’m just me, who is enjoying this moment without any barrier. 

I can’t remember when I felt this way last time. Because it never happens like this. I never paid heed to what is happening around me, or the nature. It always goes like, work, eat and sleep. Sometimes, I would just sit and stare at random things for nothing. 

It’s not like I'm living a depresso life, but I'm just a workaholic. Who loves to spend his most time in his office. I find my peace in those hectic and rushfull works and meetings. Because there are so many things that I still need to achieve in life, in business. It’s almost like a race, A race with myself. Everyday I'm in a race with myself to do better than what I did yesterday. And in this Race, I lost the ability to pause and adore the little things that happened in my daily routine. The same little things that I adored and enjoyed a moment ago. 

I know, these little things make a big difference in life. Flows of morning winds to till the amount of stars in the night sky, everything plays a big part in life at some point. 

The crisp white shirt of mine is half drenched by now as the teardrops keep falling on me through the window, and suddenly the conversation I had with Nandy a few hours ago played in my mind. 

“ Your soul is not dead Ryan, it’s just hidden somewhere in the darkness within you” Nandy’s voice echoed in my head. 

“ I Hope, someday, someone will bear the torch light for you to find your hidden soul” . With that she smiled at me and left me confused in that cafe. 

I still couldn’t understand what she was saying, anyway who cares? I got such an enjoyable moment and I should just live this moment right. 

Scratching my arm out of the window I felt the raindrops falling on my palms, slowly and steadily. I couldn’t contain my smile watching the peace in my hand. Playing with the raindrops I looked around enjoying the fresh and lively view until I spotted a red umbrella on the other side of the road. 

More likely to say, my eyes were stuck on the woman who was holding the red umbrella.

Rain drops cascade from the umbrella rim as pretty as any waterfall. I let myself watch them like it was some romantic old movie. The city street looked more beautiful now, when she walked in. The running water didn’t affect the style of her walking in high heels unbrotherly. She made her way out of that crowd. 

She was walking through a crowd of people who were too busy with their phones, some of them were just looking for a place to save their ass from the rain. But she looked different, or maybe she looked different in my eyes. She was wearing a white dress that reached below her knees, and her red heels matched with her red umbrella making her figure noteable even from such a distance. Her hairs were jingling when she walked, snapping her head right and left. I looked at her more kneely and found the headphone plugged in, was she humming for the music ? in the middle of the road and pouring rain ? 

The crowd around her now disappeared for me as They didn’t attract my eyes, because I was still looking for that red umbrella woman who seemed to be fond of Rain. she was constantly scratching her arm out of the umbrella to feel the rain drops on her hand, a few more seconds and she came closer towards me making it easy for me to see her clearly, or her radiant smile ?

Her smile was beautiful, unknowingly i smiled too when i saw her walking carefree of her surroundings, something tickled me and i smiled more. Her smile is beautiful, rare and pleasing.  i wanted to see more of that smile of hers but fuck my luck. 

The signal fell green and I could hear the honk sounds of vehicles in rush. My eyes didn’t wanted to leave the sight of hers, but again fuck my luck because i had to move as my car was blocking other vehicales. 

Half-heartedly I moved ahead, peeping back to know if she was still there. But no, she wasn’t there. 

I sighed.