ch. 3 | FIRST STEP

"Mom!"

I kept running along the hospital hallway, looking for my stepmother's hospital room, checking every room number while holding a phone to my ear and dialing a number.

"I-I don't know what to do... P-Please, I'm at a loss for what to do...!" Stuttering between breaths, I finally reached the room and opened the door to find my stepmother unconsciously laying in the hospital bed with many tubes stuck into her body and intubation in her mouth.

"I'll go there, just send me the location of the hospital." The man said. I hung up as I put my phone in my pocket and sighed, walking closer to the hospital bed.

My nose scrunched as my eyes showed melancholy. It's indeed difficult to look at my stepmother there, laying on the hospital bed, her body bruised, her life on the line. I don't know what accidents caused these fatal injuries.

"You!" A woman in her mid-30s approached me and slapped me across the face with a hard slap. I was stunned for a moment in shock. I didn't even notice that someone entered the room due to my heavy sentiments.

My eyes widened as my eyes lay on the floor. I touched my cheek as it stung from her slap.

"Ms. Nadia...?!" My head raised as I looked at the woman in front of me.

My stepmother's friend, who was just at our place a few days ago, is suddenly standing in front of me, her face filled with agony and rage.

"She was in an accident because of you..."

"It's all your fault!" The woman shouted in my face, then walked past me by bumping her shoulders on mine as I stepped backward. My brows furrowed, tears welling in my eyes, and my cheeks flushed from the slap.

"You fucking bitch! Who do you think you are to put my mother's life in line?!" I shouted in rage as I turned around. Stress and overload at your work were enough for me. I can't handle this bullshit.

"You don't talk like that to adults, young woman. If Eri dies, it's also going to be the end of you." Nadia threatened as her eyes twitched.

I held myself back to grab her hair. No. I couldn't. I have no time for this. More important matters need to be taken care of.

Nadia clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes as she went out of the hospital room, closing the door with a loud thud.

I grabbed one of the chairs and sat beside my stepmother. I rested my head on the side of the bed, holding her hands as I felt a heavy feeling in my chest.

What if she doesn't make it? Dark possibilities began to loom over my mind.

Who would support me through this monstrosity? 

"Even the rats in our apartment disgust me," I mumbled to myself while wiping my tears due to rage, and some are still left in my chest that I couldn't let out. "Ugh! All this time, my life has been nothing, but misery!"

What if one of my fears comes true, and I am left alone, reliant, and succumbing to my miserable life, with nothing but a single penny?

What if my stepmother also leaves me? Just like what my parents did?

All those possibilities were running through my mind, and as I sighed, I heard the door open behind me, and a tall man greeted me.

"Azazel!" A glimpse in my eyes shone at least.

Azazel walked towards me, and his gaze landed on my stepmother. His expression showed pity, and his eyes widened.

"What happened?" He asked, he rubbed his temples as he dropped a heavy sigh.

"I don't... know." I muttered, feeling all your energy drain.

His eyes then landed on my figure, he saw the large red mark on my left cheek, and he immediately approached me.

"What happened with this?" Azazel instinctively held my chin, tilting my head. He didn't miss the tear streak on my face, how my eyes were glossy.

"It's nothing." I choked back a cracked voice as I removed my head from his grip, facing my stepmother. 

"I have filed a report about it already," he said. I felt his voice behind me. "Don't worry. It'll get better."

"Azazel," I raised my head. "Can we talk for a moment?"

The two of us are outside the room, sitting on the chairs in the empty hospital hallway.

"How are you?" The first thing that I asked Azazel who was leaning against the wall, both hands in his pockets. He looked down at my sudden question.

"Hm? Why'd you ask out of the blue?"

"Out of the blue? It's been a month since we last met." I mumbled, avoiding his gaze.

I've known Azazel for a long time now, an acquaintance of my mother in some sort of brothel, so we frequently see each other when there's a drink or party going on between Eri and her friends from the club. Although, I didn't realize I've been developing feelings for him over the years. Despite his frequent disappearances, I tried to ignore them. Whenever he was hanging out with me, he'd abruptly leave, saying he'd just handle things, always the same thing, and he never comes back.

"I'm fine."

Azazel can read me. My eyes clearly reflected everything. He knows what I'm thinking since he can almost read me like a book at this rate, yet he kept his mouth shut, and never told me anything about the events going around him. He can be secretive at times.

Since he knew how I loathed crimes, but I don't know that he knew.

"You were always saying the same thing. C'mon. You're my only close friend now. My friends from college years ago... fucking ditched me or whatever. Well, I did, actually." I said bitterly.

And I hate it. I kept thinking in my thoughts, without saying it out loud, since I didn't want to confess that it was tiring as I always say the same thing, even when it's obvious he's lying.

Until one day, when his demeanor changed, he wasn't the same considerate Azazel I knew, and his sudden disappearances became even more frequent, forcing us two to grow apart and rarely speak, despite the fact that my feelings for him are still stronger than anything else, and I truly despise how I let myself act stupid and be blind just because I love him too much.

"I don't understand you sometimes, Allura," Azazel said candidly as he fixed his posture. He then walked in front of me.

"Wait for me, okay?" He said as he leveled his eyes at you. "I still have a lot to fix."

"Huh?" My brows furrowed in confusion, not getting what he meant.

"Just wait for me." Azazel leaned back at the wall again.

Hell, how I hate it whenever he does that. I just want to lose feelings for him. It's so difficult because I keep on regressing.

"Remember the old group?" Azazel chuckled, reminiscing memories.

"...No. What's that?" My brows furrowed.

"I wonder what Isaiah and Zach are doing right now," he mentioned.

"But this one, even just the slightest chance. What if Zacharias is still alive, you know? I don't lose hope, I know he's there somewhere." Azazel added.

"If I ever die, the last thing I want to see is him," he said. "I want to have a chat with him, asking him like how have you been these past few years. Did you ever regret disbanding KG? Did you miss us?"

Despite the confusion I'm in right now, I just let him reminisce about his memories. Silence fell, only the ticking of the clock in the hallway was heard.

"Well... are you really going to wait for your death just to say that to him?" I cooed. My tone was soft as Azazel looked at me.

He looked down at his feet, a smile forming on his lips. "You think that's possible?"

"Anything is possible, they say," I mumbled. "My beliefs are strong, yet the events that have been happening to me lately are slowly fucking it up."

"Well, I trust you." Azazel gave me a smile. It was the first time in months that I had seen him smile like that. The ones he usually gave me were empty and forced, and they pained me deeply. I want to be the source of his strength, but it was nearly the opposite. 

"Zach, or something, is alive, okay?" I reassured. The name sounds so familiar, but I can't remember what he looks like. It's all a blur. I shrugged it off, knowing it was just Azazel's dearest acquaintance.

He looked out of the hospital's glass wall, the moon shone brightly above, and vehicle horns from below the thirty-story hospital could be heard, the night darkening and deepening, the clouds scarcely visible as the darkness loomed.

"I wonder what Fiona is doing right now if she's still here." He said, looking at the stars.

My eyes widened, my heart cracked, and my throat lumped. I knew I shouldn't be, that it wasn't my place to voice any objections and that I had no right to be angry at him, but whenever Azazel mentioned her name, I felt like a temporary replacement for her, merely to fill the hole in his heart. I was mad at myself because I felt so selfish.

"Y-Yeah..." I forced a laugh. My gaze was still on the floor.

"She was always there, I remember she would get jealous of my bike." He laughed, a genuine smile on his face, and my eyes met with him.

I stayed silent, not uttering a single word.

"Allura?"

"Hm?" I hummed in response, swallowing a lump in my throat before completely facing him.

Azazel moved up to me and hugged me tightly My body froze and my eyes widened as I couldn't believe what was happening. I stood up from my seat.

"What are you doing?" I mumbled.

It lasted for a long time, it felt like hours, but it was only seconds before I slowly returned the hug.

"Fiona..." He whispered. I felt a sudden pang of pain in my chest, blinking my eyes, forcing myself to not let even a single tear fall as he closed his eyes while I was still in his arms. He rested his head on my shoulder.

I knew it. I knew ever since that he only sees me as his deceased lover, reminiscing her as me. The way I bring him comfort is the way he reminds him of Fiona. I didn't want to say anything since I was afraid of losing him, both as a friend and a forbidden lover, stuck between confronting and confessing.

He only sees me as Fioana, not Allura.

"Uhm, well. I better be going now. I'll check mom inside." I reasoned out, and I immediately pushed him, getting out of the hug.

"I'm not Fiona, Azazel." I reminded him, once again.

"You're so numb!" I hit him on the chest. He looked down at me with a sorrowful expression on his face.

"God, why did it even reach here?" I laughed, letting out a shaky breath as I decided to finally move on.

"Nevertheless, thank you for making me realize the things that have blinded me." I said my farewell to him, turning around to face the opposite direction, and walking away as the hospital lights blurred his vision, my form fading as I walked away.

It's the least that I can do for myself, my own sanity.

Azazel stared in Allura's direction, but all he saw were the walls. She was no longer visible in his field of vision. He slumped in one of the chairs, grasping his head and running a hand through his hair.

He sighed as disappointment overtook him once more.

"Fuck, I did it again."