Chapter 2: Do Everything

CANDICE

I roamed my eyes on every corner of this place I once called home. I held my breath as I remembered how my father would play hide and seek with me or tag in the hallway. I could still smell my mom's dishes as she passionately cooked for me and father, the strong aroma of rosemary and chime, mixed with garlic, and cream. I could still hear our laughter in the hall. Their disagreement downstairs, the cuddling in the sofa, the loud noises of a driller, my mother's eternal grumbles and my father's grimacing face.

I couldn't believe that it would end so easily. I couldn't believe I've lost them in a blink, in an instance. Their departure was without notice. We were still eating breakfast happily that day, and they were both telling me how they didn't care if I'd pass or not. That having me as their daughter was already something to be proud of, and everything was just a tip of their parenting.

A tear escaped from my eye, I wiped it quickly. I've forbid myself to cry, I've been crying for three straight days and it was causing me terrible headaches. I played with my fingers and I looked down, I inhaled heavily.

I bit my lips to prevent the muffled cries from escaping my mouth.

I rubbed my palms together when I heard steps from the outside. I immediately turned around and faced Lilia, the owner of this apartment. She was looking at me with a sad face, she swiftly embraced me and rubbed my back. I hugged her back and I nodded from her embrace.

"I'm fine."

"Good Lord, darling." She exhaled.

I moved away and looked down.

"You could still stay here, Candice. I am not in a hurry, please dear, do not worry about the rent—"

I cut her off. "Thank you, Ms. Lili, but I can't." I gasped. "I can't," it came out as a weak breath. I was ending the conversation; I hope she understands.

I heard her sighing in resignation, then she shook her head. "Candice, please—you're like a granddaughter to me." She trailed off.

My eyes suddenly swelled when she said that. I pursed my lips tightly to avoid crying in front of her. I closed my eyes and tried concentrating on stopping my tears.

Then her voice broke and it almost faded. "Your parents were like my children. Oh, Jacob and Corina, why did this happen to them?" She started sobbing hard, and I was just looking down. "Oh, my good sweet children," she wept.

Ms. Lili is the owner of the few houses in the neighborhood. She visits each house everyday but she frequently stays in our home. She loves talking to my hilarious father and she loves gossiping with my Asian mother. She would give us different gifts, whether frames, food, and other things, and I know that she's genuinely in pain due to what happened.

I went close to her and hugged her; I lay my head on hers as we both cried. I remembered how she said she never had a child but she knew how it felt just by having my parents.

The memories of my parents poured in my mind again, I hugged her tightly, then I whimpered uncontrollably. I was almost out of breath because of my weeping. She clung to my arms and I clung on her shoulders.

As I closed my eyes, I tried to reminisce every feeling from the past. The warmth of my mother's touch and the authority of my father. I can still remember the cozy kisses, the smell of freshly brewed coffee every morning, the daisy scented candles every Christmas, like it just all had happened yesterday.

Today, this place is as empty as it could be.

I removed all the frames, and I peeled all the stickers we pasted on the walls.

I know it may seem impossible for me today, but I shall push through. It will eventually be alright someday, somehow, but not today.

My father told me to not force myself to heal immediately, because healing takes time. I should let myself be, get used to the new situation, adjust to the new environment, focus on what is here and hope for tomorrow. If there'll be something I should keep, aside from their pictures and memories, it's going to be the virtues they've shared with me. Even if they're gone, I will continue to show the world how perfect they were and how blessed I am to have them in this lifetime.

I carried the last box in the compartment of the car I rented for a day. All these boxes are piles of albums, certificates, letters and mixtapes that we've made throughout our short years.

I remembered how my mother said she wanted to donate all her unused clothes to the orphanage, or to some refugees downtown, and so after their burial yesterday, I packed it all up and spent all night roaming around the city for homeless people, giving them small packages of clothes, food and penny to get them by for some days.

My parent's vehicle collided with a huge truck; the driver got away; he was caught but then he killed himself even before the trials were about to begin. That didn't even cause relief on my behalf, it caused me more pain. I wasn't going to blame him, I just wanted closure, but he's so scared, and knowing he has newborn twins and now a widowed wife had damaged my emotional health.

The truck company gave me compensation for my parent's death, but I didn't need it—I gave it to the truck driver's family, they need it more than me, moreover it was not enough.

My mother always told me that we lose ourselves many times in this life, that's why we should always get up and figure out how to find it again. Sometimes figuring out the way back takes a long time, and sometimes it takes minutes or seconds. The first time I lost myself was when I was 4, looking around and allured by the Barbie displays, my parents didn't notice that I wasn't by their side, I didn't either, then I cried, I thought I'd lose my identity. I thought I'd lose my family. I thought I won't be able to find them again, and so I cried, a lady guard attended to me and she guided me to reunite with my parents, and then in an instant I was found.

'Some people lose themselves every night,

Along with the dying and living lights,

Some people lose themselves in purpose,

To forget, be numb, prevent what is supposed,

Even then the morning comes and the sun will rise,

They push through from their mistakes, from their vice,

Some people cry, some people hope, and some fight,

But among all of them be the one who does what is right.'

"Okay baby, goodnight."

I was curled up on the sofa as I watched a VHS of me and my mother while she was giving me an impromptu poem, it was our bedtime story. Her poems eased me, they gave me comfort and ease. They prevent me from having nightmares, so dad records them so when mom is not around dad could just play it on and on and on.

I swallowed the lump in my throat when mom and dad kissed me goodnight, my father took the camera to the bed and we waved goodbye.

'Bye.' We all spoke, then it ended there.

It was a struggle for me to breathe while I was trying to stop my tears from falling. I bit my lips and held down the bowl of ramen, I wiped some tears in my eye and I roamed around my new apartment. It was small and cozy, it's a good start for me.

It's a nice place to figure the way back to myself. I tilted my head, still, it needs some good interior decorations. Good thing I brought some furniture from our old house so I could use them here. I sold some of them to a thrift shop downtown and they bought them for a pretty good price. I owned those stuff and I left out what my parents owned no matter how old fashioned they are. They liked them, and they helped us on our chores for years; more importantly, they were older than me. I'm sure they cherish them and knowing that I will now take care of some possessions they loved in the past has eased something for me.

I drank two glasses of water, because my mother would always tell me to stay hydrated, I remembered rolling my eyes on her reminders until now that I knew how they meant to me. I'd give everything to hear her reminders again, no matter how redundant they were.

I'd do everything.

I walked inside my mini bedroom and dropped my body on the bed. I tried to smell the scent of the mattress; it was the mattress of their queen-sized bed. There's still a hint of my mother's cherry scented perfume on the sheets, and the strong aroma of my father's deodorant. I pursed my lips to prevent myself from crying and I tried sleeping.

The bed is big for me, but then, why does it feel like I am not supposed to be here?

The loud sound of Faber Drive's Tongue Tied boomed through my ears that morning. I tried reaching for my phone to turn the alarm off but I ended up answering a call.

"Hello?" I asked grumpily.

"I'm sorry!" It was Jenny. "I'm outside your apartment." She said,

I squinted my eyes and I pouted. "What are you doing? I'm not looking for roommates."

"No, silly! I brought you almond milk and some breakfast, mind letting me in?"

I stood up lazily, I couldn't even reach the knob of my bedroom door properly. I went to the entrance and opened the door for Jenny.

She was smiling so wide as she showed me her lunchbox, and some pack of almond milk. "Hey!" she greeted, "Good morning." She added.

"Morning..." I said and I rubbed my eyes with my hands. "I'll just..." I yawned, "Clean..." I stretched, "Myself up." And pointed to the bathroom.

"Oh, please do, please do!" she said happily. "Don't mind me!"

I frowned and shook my head as I went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, after drying my face with a towel I looked at the mirror and the sticky note I placed on it.

Day 1: Do the Right Thing

And even though I did not want to entertain Jenny, the first right thing to do is entertain her.

I went to the kitchen and sat on one of the stools. "So, what brings you here?" I asked.

"You." She bluntly replied. I nodded; I watched her go back and forth to the sink then back to the table. She then looked at me, after that, she poured almond milk in a cup and gave it to me. I thanked her, and she smiled sweetly.

She was so quiet and focused; I know she's trying not to get this wrong but then when she flipped that sunny side up egg the yolk broke and she planned to make another one.

"That's okay!" I exclaimed and stopped her. She looked back at me and nodded hesitantly.

"You like it this way?"

"I appreciate everything." I smiled at her.

Her lips formed a pout and then she started to get teary eyed. "Bitch, I love you," she said and ran up to me.

"I love you, too, Jen." I answered.

She started sobbing in our embrace. "I couldn't imagine how hard this is for you," she groaned.

I rubbed her back and bobbed my head, telling her that I understand what's up. "It's going to be okay." I said as I consoled her. She separated from the embrace and went back to cooking. She was so careful but still she is clumsy. The clumsy and careful Jenny didn't make a difference.

She sat beside me and started eating, I took a spoon and raised my brows as I looked at the food on the table.

"It's been a while since I've eaten home cooked food." I stated.

She looked at me and there was that sympathetic look on her face again. I made a face and rolled my eyes at her. "Stop pitying me!"

She frowned and ate another batch of rice and bacon. "I am not," she denied. "But you have to get those healthy calories running, Can—I won't be here for you forever, and you're going to Harvard," she was talking so fast I could hardly keep up, "and Lili told me she asked you to stay in your parents' apartment but you didn't want to!" she squinted her eyes at me suspiciously.

I sighed, "I can't, you know, I just can't."

"That neighborhood is much safer than this one!" she exclaimed.

"The rent—"

"She told you not to worry about it! Surely, the truck company gave you insurance?"

"No..." I thought twice, "I mean yes, but I gave it to the truck driver's family." I retorted.

She looked at me in disbelief. "What?"

I shrugged and itched my head. "They need it more than I do."

She groaned incredulously, as if I was some sort of an impossible thing. "What!?"

"The truck left two newborn twins and now a widowed wife. They were born three days before the incident." I muttered. She was sighing and panting at the same time as if the information is too much for her.

"But..." she tried to protest.

"Jen, calm down, my father and my mother have insurance." I was reassured. I exhaled, "Surely, that is enough to get me by for some years considering I dropped the application from for Harvard, that will cut my expenses—"

"You what!?" she asked, petrified, after she just ate a whole egg. She almost choked!

"Your mouth is full." I complained.

"Shut up! You dropped the slot?" She protested. She held my shoulder and she started shaking my body.

"Yes." I nodded.

Another shake.

"Why?"

"I'm not ready for it."

Another shake.

"Why?"

"I don't think I can do it—"

"Why?"

I looked at her incredulously. "Seriously?" I questioned. I removed her arms from my shoulders and I giggled. She dropped the spoon and she drank a glass of water. I was afraid she might choke but she just went on her way.

She gulped down and she looked at me with wide shocked eyes. "I can't believe it, Can!" she exclaimed, "I understand your current situation but that was Jacob and Corina's dream for you!" she then crossed her arms, "I can't believe that you dropped it," she was really upset.

I drank water too and I wiped my mouth with a napkin. "Jen..." I started, "There are so many things in my hands right now, I do not know if I can handle Harvard, I want to do it when I'm ready. I want to do it right, it is indeed their dream and I have to do it right," I paused, "and for me to be able to do that, I have to do the right thing for myself, first, and it's to figure out a way to want to live every morning and to find a way to sleep comfortably at night."

I pursed my lips for a moment. I was just looking far in nothingness. Then I looked back at her. "Because believe me, just finding a way to live on is already killing me." I bobbed my head, thinking of the situation I am in. "But I have no choice but to live on Jen, even if I didn't want to anymore, I have no choice but to live on because that's what my parents taught me." My voice broke unavoidably. The pain in my heart crept in again, the sadness, and anguish overtook my being and here I was feeling nothing but emptiness.

In a flash she pulled me in a crashing hug then I cried on her shoulders.