Retracing My Steps (A)

Claire

As much as Jacey couldn't stop talking, Antonio couldn't even say a word. All day, I've tried different ways to get him to talk to me but it was as if I was talking to a rock. He never responded and I couldn't take it personal because he didn't speak to anyone else either. Maybe it was his thing, the deep melancholy. But I couldn't give up on being great friends with him; it made more sense since he's only a few months older than me.

The next morning, after I had gotten ready to leave for my old home, I decided to ask Antonio to join me. Even though I told my Dad I would go and was very stubborn about it, it spooked me out to go back there. I would have easily asked Jacey but she's just ten and she mentioned going somewhere with Grandma. Dad had insisted that I take a bodyguard or he'd ask some cops to escort me but I turned him down flat; I made him promise to let me do it myself.

He would have kept pestering me if Abigail hadn't intervened and practically dragged him out of my room, assuring him that it'll be fine. It's not like Frank would be there waiting for me, so he could jump on me and kill me as well. I couldn't let my fears get the best of me.

I headed down the stairs, dressed in a high-waist Jean, a green crop top and white sneakers the designer chose for me the day before. Antonio was at his usual spot, the large living room; idle and staring into space. I couldn't get what kind of thoughts that kept him so occupied.

"Hi, Toni!" I greeted cheerfully, obviously not expecting an answer. He turned an unreadable expression to me.

"What's Toni?" I was shocked and happy at the same time. He finally spoke to me!

"It's Antonio for short."

"My name is Antonio, just Antonio." He drawled. I closed my eyes and inhaled.

"Okay, Antonio, would you like to join me to visit my Mom's old house? I just need to grab a few things."

"Why would I?"

"Yeah, why would she? If that maniac shows up, it'll just be two girls screaming for help." Jacey said with a smug smile as she came into the living room, dressed in a flower gown and flats. I thought she was the strictly-leather-only type; guess I was wrong. More importantly, did she just refer to Antonio as a girl? A she?

"Am I right? What good will it do to have two girls alone with a grown man, screaming for help?" I couldn't understand what was going on but I could guess. It wasn't that Jacey didn't talk to Antonio because he hardly speaks as I thought, it's because they have a issue I know nothing about. If Antonio wasn't all tall and masculine, I would have assumed he was actually a girl. However, I couldn't just stand by and watch her disrespect her older brother.

"Jacey, please..."

"I think it will do a lot of good." Antonio cut me off. "Maybe by the time we start screaming, the roof might collapse on his head, saving us." Jacey chuckled softly.

"That might work. Have fun then."

"I never planned to go. I'm staying right here."

"Really? I see you going with them, it might be an interesting adventure you don't want to miss."

I didn't know what that meant. I looked from the defiant Jacinthe, to the relaxed Antonio; those two were definitely not normal.

"It's fine, I can go alone. Tyler might come with me, if not, it'll be just me." Jacey shrugged, heading for the door.

"I see you going with two boys, Antonio and SM."

"Who's SM?" I asked, but she just grinned and headed out the door.

"Do you happen to know what that means?" Antonio ignored my question, looking away.

"Why didn't you ask your personal assistant?"

"She had an emergency at home, so it's her day off."

"Alright, let's go get SM." He suddenly jumped off the couch and headed for the door, then stopped.

"Aren't you coming?" I didn't answer immediately. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with my cousins, I mean, what the heck did SM mean?

"Oh, you're coming? Thanks." I pretended and walked past him, going out first.

"Why don't you ask Jason?" Aunt Miriam offered. Unluckily for me, Tyler was out with his friends and I had only two options; ask Jason to join us or go alone with Antonio. The first wasn't much of an option if Jason actually refused. He always did seem to like his privacy, having him agree to come was a luxury. I really didn't want to bother him.

"He'll come anyway." I shot up my head to look at Antonio as he sat by Jane, playing with her hair. He looked really intrigued by it, like he could sit there all day, just playing with her hair.

"How can you tell?"

"He'll come." He said firmly and picked up Jane, sitting her on his laps. Weirdo.

"Why don't you just try? I know Jason isn't very social but since he talked to you, I'm sure he likes you. Just give it a try."

"Okay." I nodded at Aunt Miriam and made for Jason's room. What did I have to lose anyway? He either accepted or not, it made no difference to me. Somehow, I felt that was a lie.

I placed a tiny knock on his door. When I heard "Yeah?", my hand shook at the door knob, I couldn't bring myself to relax.

Finally, I pushed open the door and looked inside. Jason was at his desk, eyes fixed on his phone. He didn't even look up to see who he invited in.

"Urh... Hi!" I saw his jaw work before he turned to stare at me.

"Hi... What are you doing here?" Great, now I know I'm not welcome.

"I... I urh... I was going back to... you know, my old home to grab some of our important stuff we left behind. I was just wondering if you would like to accompany me there since Tyler isn't home." I finished and tried to keep my breathing even. He wouldn't come, I was sure of it. He had no reason to accept, so he'll definitely look for an excuse.

But then, Jacinta said two boys would go with me. Nah, she was just saying. Tyler wasn't home and Jason wouldn't come either. There's no way I would believe Jacinta's awkward manner, unless... she could see the future, which wasn't possible. What was that she said about seeing Antonio coming with me? And then, Antonio actually accepted. I would think the worst if Jason said yes.

"Claire?" I snapped away from my thoughts.

"What did you say?"

"I said, if you'd give me a minute, I'll be down shortly." I gasped. He actually agreed! Well, that didn't mean anything. Maybe Jacey knew Antonio was just acting and would finally join me and guessed that Tyler would come too. But what did SM mean? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't interpret that.

"Yeah, sure." I smiled at him and went out the door.

After Jason came down and I introduced him to Antonio, Antonio never ceased to grin at him in an awkward way I kinda found amusing. It was nice to have Antonio get along with Jason. Well, that's if I could call his strange grin 'getting along'.

Since I refused any help from my Dad, including to let his driver take us, Aunt Miriam insisted that her driver take us there and bring us back safely. I had no strength to argue and I wanted everything to be done with, so I agreed and we began the long ride to Charlotte. 

That's how I found myself retracing my steps back to that hell hole. I tried my best not to think about it and I succeeded; instead, I wondered what's its like to be in Jason's shoes. I wondered what he was thinking about, how he felt. Did he have a blood relative somewhere, thinking about him? Has he fully accepted his new family?

I wasn't sure about that. His room was very plain and except for a few pictures of him and his family, there was hardly anything personal about his room. It was as if he was only visiting for a while. 

For the little time I spent with them, he was mostly in his room and hardly engaged himself with the other family members. So far, Tyler was the closest to him and they seemed to understand each other a lot.

I turned to stare at him, he was looking out his side of the window so I could freely stare. Maybe he's all closed up and quiet because he had a rough past. Who knows, maybe his old family was like mine, without love. I really hoped that I would have the same connection Tyler had with him; he'd trust me and let me in. At least I know he's a good person; going out of his way to help me get over my depression. He's definitely a friend I need.

I looked away, but not before I caught Antonio grinning at me through the rare view mirror from his position at the passenger seat. I didn't know why, but it made me blush to have been caught staring at Jason.

I turned to my side of the window and voila!... my old neighborhood stretched out. As the car arrived at Frank's house, I felt my feet stiffen; I almost told the driver to turn the car around and take us back, but rather, I asked him to pull over and we all got down except the driver.

I found myself looking around; nothing seemed changed at all, the house still looked clean on the outside and was so full of life, or ghost. I didn't believe in ghosts, but I found myself imagining my Mom's ghost, roaming about the house without peace, hoping for the day her murderer will be put behind bars.

"This doesn't look like the hell in your mind." I snapped out of my thoughts to see Antonio standing next to me, very close that our shoulders touched.

"What do you mean?" He shrugged and moved away from me, going into the house first.

"You okay?" I nodded at Jason, not looking at him and made for the door too. 

Antonio was standing in the middle of the scattered living room, smiling at nothing I could see. Then suddenly his eyes dimmed.

"You'd better start getting all you need. I don't think we have much time left."

"More time for... Forget it." I gave up and went into the kitchen, coming out with a cellobag. 

"So, what do you need?" Jason stood close to Antonio as if trying not to get in my way.

"Pictures of myself, James and my parents and any other thing that holds memories. I don't want any picture Frank's in."

"Need help?"

"Yeah. Could you guys help me sort the pictures in that drawer? I'll go get the ones hung in mine and James' room."

"Noted." Jason and Antonio knelt beside the drawer to help. I kinda expected Antonio to relax on a couch and refuse to help, by the way, he never wanted to come in the first place.

I quickly left them and went to James room first and got things that were important to him and all his pictures, from when he was a baby. Then I went to my room to find anything that held value; there was just a few treasurable gifts from my Dad.

I lingered in my Mom's room though; It was also Frank's room, yet it still made me miss her. The saying was true, you wouldn't know what you have until you lose it. I was mad at my Mom after my Dad left and she married Frank, and that made our relationship suffer. Yet, just seeing her was enough comfort to know she didn't abandon me like my Dad did. 

I shook my head to clear the thoughts and focus on the task at hand. I searched through all the drawers and the wardrobe to find anything useful. No luck there. I would have returned back to the boys, but for a thought that urged me to check under the bed. I found a black box; I guess it was black because whoever kept it there wanted it to blend into the dark spot.

I opened it and looked inside, there were three books glued together. I scanned through the pages, it was a diary... my Mom's diary. Who knew she kept a diary? I decided not to read it until I was alone and safe in my room.

I put it into the cellobag and headed back to the boys. Antonio was wandering about in the kitchen and Jason... he was frozen, squeezing a photo. I went closer and he barely noticed me, lost in his head. I peered at the picture; it was of my Mom and Frank. I quickly snatched it away from his grasp; I felt as if he was squeezing the life out of my Mom... not that any was left.

"What are you doing?" I tried to straighten it out.

"That... Who's that?"

"My Mom. Did you have to squeeze it so tightly...?"

"Not her... the man."

"Her murderer. What's wrong?" I wished I hadn't asked. Jason's eyes got so dark, it scared me. 

"Check this out! Someone made a great meal for himself and from the look of things, it's not a few weeks old, more like hours." I took my eyes off Jason and they settled on Antonio who was examining a plate of steak and veggies.

"That's odd. There wasn't any dinner on that table that night." I went closer to see for myself. The food was still very fresh. I was still examining it when Antonio grabbed my hand.

"We'd better leave now, I feel someone is coming." 

"What....?"

"No questions." He grabbed the unmoved Jason too and we hid inside the kitchen. A moment passed, then we heard footsteps and then a loud thud.

I peeked out of my hiding position to see what made the sound and to my horror, Frank's lean body stretched on the couch. He muttered low groans before closing his eyes.