Chapter 5

Laying awake for the third night a row since before my wedding day, i felt sick and exhausted.

Karl, just like last night, is sleeping like a damn baby while i lay stiff to make sure he says asleep.

After the long and awkward ride home, Karl had disappeared into his home office and didn't come out until it was ten at night. As soon as he was out of the office, he immediately took a shower and went to sleep.

The events of today had shocked me. From the moment he had raised his hands, i knew he would not hold back to land his fist on my face if i push him. Even though i have absolutely no idea why he got so angry with me for talking to his little sister, he seemed as if i had been torturing her, which i wasn't.

My stomach growled in the silent room and i flinched. Holding my breath, i made sure to say still just to make sure that i hadn't disturbed him. When i heard no different noise other than his soft snore, i looked over my shoulder to see that he was still in a deep sleep.

Thanking God for not waking him up, i slowly got off the bed and tiptoed to the door. I looked over my shoulder one more time before i reached for the door knob and opened the bedroom door. The knob made a soft click as i gently pushed past it.

Once i was finally out the bedroom, i partially closed the door and made my way downstairs to the kitchen. Without looking at anything, i rushed over to the fridge and pulled out some grapes.

Fruit with an empty stomach has never really agreed with me, and even though i know i will be spending the next day with an upset stomach, i couldn't turn away from the purple fruit.

Closing the fridge, i walked over to the counter and took a seat as i popped grape after grape in to my mouth. A soft sigh escaped my lips as the small ball of flavors erupted in between my teeth. With in the next five minutes, i had emptied an entire bowl of grapes yet i was still not satisfied.

After washing and drying the bowl, i made my way back up the stairs and into the bedroom. 

Karl was still asleep with his back to the door and even though, my body screams at me to take some rest, i couldn't force myself to go near the bed. 

The memory of his fist flying towards me was still very fresh in my head and the image of his angry face kept looming over me everytime i try to close my eyes. 

Early in the car, i saw how bruised his knuckles were from the punch he threw in the door. When we walked into the house, i was sure he would finish what he started, which was why i flinched away from him when he turned to look at me. It was after i flinched that he stormed off to his home office.

Instead of giving into the urge to sleep, i walked over to the walk in closet. My suitcase still stands at the far corner of the closet and non of my clothes were hung next to his.

Walking over to the suitcase, i opened it up and pulled the clothes out to reach the bottom of the case. I once again sighed were i caught sight of my drawing book.

Pulling out the pink book, i sat down next to my suitcase with my back pressed against the wall. I've had this drawing book since i was a kid. The tick book had always been a great companion to me through out my entire life.

My old nana, rest her soul, had gifted me this drawing book on my sixths birthday and i started drawing my designs on it after i turned ten. Half of the book was filled with different designs of clothes, shoes, bags and accessories i though i would be able to make one day, while the other half still waits for me to continue designing. 

The last time i drew on it was for prom night in highschool. I wanted to look fabulous with my own dress and i spent days trying to get the dress to look the way i wanted it to. When i let my mother see my designs, she was really excited and was willing to help me make the dress but she told my father about it and he threw my room upside down looking for the drawing book.

He threatened me that if he ever saw it, he would rip it apart and if i even for a second think i would be anything other than a pawn for his business, i can kiss my last name goodbye.

Tracing my fingers along my initials on the bright pink cover of the drawing book, i sighed once more, each times being sadder than the last one.

I opened the covers to see the first dress i designed and couldn't help but chuckle. Since i was a chubby kid, i wanted to make my dress fot me perfectly. Even though i was forced to lose the weight at that time, i still wanted to make a dress that would have fit me perfectly as a chubby girl.

It was to prove to my mother that even chubby girls could look just as pretty and fabulous as the skinny women in our family. Of course, my mother wouldn't have it.

The first fifty pages were filled with clothes made for chubby girls. But after that, all my designed were only for the skinniest girls. It was also the time i stopped seeing any positivity in my previous body.

Flipping over to the last page of drawing, i saw the pink dress i wanted to make for my prom night. I never got to finish designing the full look as my father had forbidden me to go to prom.

The smile on my face immediately turns to ash as i remember the way i reacted to it.

Prom was supposed to be a great night, a night were i would let go and forget about my family and their stupid rules but because Garzei Chaw said i couldn't go, i acted out at school. 

I messed with Princi Jonas' date and made him ditch her on that very night. At the time, all i could think about was how unfair it was that i couldn't go but they all could. And because, my boss' wife was the easiest kid to mess with, i had ruined her night as well.

I slammed the book shut and closed my eyes.

I am a horrible person. 

I don't think it matters that I'm trying to be better, that I'm working on myself every single day. Because at the end of the day, i was still the horrible person that caused a lot of innocent people pain. And no matter how good i am today, i can never change the fact that i had ruined lives, just because mine was already ruined.

I opened my eyes as tears slipped down my cheeks and onto the pink cover of my drawing book. My gaze landed on the door and i couldn't help but think about the man sleeping on the other side of it.

He told me that I'm a bully even though i have doen nothing to him. It's like, even the people i just met can tell that i have a dark past i need to be punished for.

It's like he was sent to torture me. To show me how i treated others in the past. It's God's way of showing me how evil i was.

I deserve it