Chapter 2: War Within

She was a sight for sore eyes. The pleasant scene became pain, much than a sore, to see her happy with the other guy, Lance Davis. I was standing a few meters from her but she did not even recognize me. That fear of approaching her conquered my thoughts and maybe my whole being. Fear crept in me like I am a very fragile person.

I was a nobody, a ghost, a loser. Nothing was going on about me that would interest the general public of this school. My intelligence and good grades almost did not matter to this type of society. It even made me distant from others, made me look more like a nerd. Who would like to hang out with nerds – not the cool kids for sure. The saying was true – birds with the same feathers flock together.

I just stood there leaning against the wall along the corridor and watched them walking together close. The breeze blew dramatically that it gave shivers to my skin somewhat mocking me. I am not sure for the reason, it could be because of my cowardice not to even had called her name when she passed by inches away from me or the intimidation that I just felt.

The power couple as others might say. A Basketball team captain and a sophisticated woman that possessed beauty beyond any average kid would imagine having as their girlfriend. A girl that seemed to have everything and captured many hearts of confident and pursuant boys. But none of them came very close as Lance Davis had. They were not in a relationship, they were just close friends. I envied that guy.

This was always the case, a routine that I lived by. Looking at her from afar like a ghost, and felt every moment of resentment to not have the courage to talk to her. It seemed a matter of life and death situation in excruciating length of my college years. I was raised by my mother to become a survivor and one way to survive in my situation was to stay away from Maria and just concentrate on my studies and scholarship. No risks, no stress, no distractions, as my mother had told me. She was a distraction and a risk but also my inspiration. She’s my inspiration to move forward every day in this school.

My school day ends and the orange clouds were now visible beyond the horizon. It saddened me from the sight of it. My feet dragged along the pavement as I walked towards the school gate. I knew at that time, Maria went to the parking lot where her car was parked while I will endure a Kilometer walk towards home. Having a car augmented your status to a certain level and you will be instantly popular driving a cream-of-the-crop car. My vehicle was only my shoes. My bag was getting heavier every minute passed and seemed my soul was gradually escaping my body and towards the unknown depths of Earth.

My energy was always different if I am heading for school. I am more lively, energetic, and excited. Excited to see Maria again even from a distance, it gave me somewhat a feeling of hope and encouragement. But when the day ends, my feelings turned three hundred sixty degrees.

My thoughts flit of insignificant reasons, I was not ready to think of the future yet. Maria’s face frequently invaded my thoughts, dreaming almost every moment of my life. Even the thought of her provided my life a bit of color to the dull hues surrounding me.

“Need a ride?” A sudden voice interrupted my thoughts. It was Bert, unrolling the passenger window of his Honda Civic.

“Nah, don’t mind me Bert. I lived nearby, and besides, I enjoyed a little bit of exercise.” I laughed sarcastically.

“Suit yourself, my friend. See yah tomorrow!”

I just nodded and he drove away. He was a good guy. His heart was in the right place. Bert did not care much about status in the school, he thought of it as immature. The reason he hanged out with me was maybe because of our superiority in our studies.

The orange clouds became grey and the surroundings grew a little bit dark as if ready to embrace the beauty of the moon. Numerous cars honked and passed by along Ouano street that gave our neighborhood distasteful urban living.

I would always think that what made me happy in this life was seeing my mother at home. But our home itself added sadness to my being. So many bitter memories lingered on every corner of our house. Even as I was standing in front of our two-story house façade, it provided additional dullness to my feeling. But as the days passed by, I would hope numbness would replace my sadness, but it never came. It was the same feeling that started four years ago.

I went inside and I was greeted with my mother’s aromatic dish. It gave me a faint smile but the living room sent flashes of memories of my father and mother arguing a lot before his leaving. I placed my bag on our cushion chair indifferently and proceeded to kiss my mother.

She was preparing our dinner and She winced and smiled when I kissed her cheek but the sadness in her eyes remained. I can feel in her body language, knew that reason for her sadness was definitely when my father left us. She was regaling herself with household chores after her office work just to compensate it.

“There is something I want to talk to you about during dinner.” My mother said, she sounded serious.

I nodded and sat directly at our dining table. She placed the aromatic soup dish of Bulalo and set the plates. We settled and started eating.

“So, how was school today?” She asked smiling.

“Same same.” I replied and gave her a hint that I do not want to pursue that topic.

There was a moment of silence and made our mouths busy sipping with the soup. I sensed that my Mother hesitated to continue talking to me but she managed to.

“Your father will visit us. He told me that there is something he wants to give you.”

“He should not bother. He is not welcome here, mum.” I replied right after slurping my spoon with the spicy soup. I bleakly smiled at her.

“I know son, but this time you need to reconsider.” She stared back at me, her eyes droopy. I stared back at her, collecting my thoughts. Memories rushed in my thoughts of them having never-ending fighting and arguing. I remembered my father’s absence during significant family events. He was always busy with work as I recalled. The rain started to pour against the pavement and it sounded like pebbles falling from the sky. Then it struck me the day he left, it was raining like this and he stormed out of the house, left my mother crying in the living room. I overheard them as I snooped from our staircase. From that day on, I decided to move on with our lives and do my best to achieve a better life, hence the scholarship – just to impress my mother and make her happy.

I returned to my eating and forcibly swallowed everything I put inside my mouth and tried to think that I was hungry. But the miserable memories replaced my hunger. I just wanted to stay longer at the dining table as not to offend my mother. She suffered a lot. She tried to be strong in front of me but her eyes gave away what she tried to portray.

“I want you to be civil with him son. Just forgive him and forget the past. I want you to understand the reason why he left. He will stay for a month here just for you.”

“For a month!?” I growled at her. “That’s too long, mum.”

“Yes, I know my son. But give him just this one chance. He will stay at a nearby hotel and will visit you every day after your school.” She said calmly.

From my standpoint, she seemingly swallowed her pride for me. Her face aches my youthful desires. I did not think of anything else but to make my mother happy. I sacrificed the immature indulgence of every young adult does just for her happiness or to lessen her stress thinking about me and her work. The battles she faced every day as a nurse made her exhausted and to think of monthly dues was equally exhausting.

“Ok mum, I will do this one thing just for you,” I assured. “When is his visit?”

“Tomorrow.” She replied. “Thank you so much Luke. You made it more easier for me.”

Her smile was faint but it felt good seeing her happy. I wish she smiles like this every day.