Green light turns to red. Red turns to every color I have known. The music blasting loud that I have to cover my ear with my hands to block them out. Thankfully, I found some cups, I assumed untouched, from the kitchen counter before I proceed my way to the back of the house where there is a round empty pool.I take the empty chair beside it and start drinking the cup with my legs settling on the small square table. It's water. I laugh over my stupidity. That's why it's not touched because it's water.It's quite more peaceful here. I wish we have a pool like this in our backyard so I could have more moments like these everytime I go home from work. I touch my gaze to the sky and the stars are like diamonds that no one could ever own. Nobody could own something that is just too far away, to something untouchable. The door pushes open, revealing Cooper. When I was talking to him earlier, he's funny and outgoing. He vibes in and then goes silent so quickly. When his eyes finds me, it's
Cooper surprises me for the last three hours. It's five pm. I got out from shift earlier than I used to. I have Patrick as my substitute. He's staying for another over time. I hope I can call him as a friend now. A hardworking, and considerate friend is what I need right now. When I exited the shop, Cooper is already standing outside the shop. It was on the exact same spot where Simon used to be.We drove right to the dress store so I can change since I didn't really think of preparing. Last night, I felt differed after Simon and I talked in the pool. I watched him left me again. His head was down and it's like the saddest thing I saw. “What about this dress?” Cooper lifts the blue ocean dress in the air. I snap out of thoughts for the tenth time today. I couldn't get him off of my mind.I smile at the beautiful dress. It ties around the neck and it has a V-neck display on the front. “She's perfect.” I grab it from him. Cooper dearly smiles at reaction. “Let me see the price,” I loo
Cooper and I are interrupted with a knock on the door. We wait for it be gone before we exit the comfort room. I'm glad it didn't go far. I wasn't ready at all. And I don't think I would do it with him too soon. Cooper and I drive back to the house which where the party was held last night. He goes straight upstairs while I stay in the room where Simon is sitting next to the door. He doesn't notice me because his eyes are closed tight. “I like your dress.” The girl in a braided hair says. She was the one on the phone earlier. My heart skips a bit. I look down. “Thanks.” I tell her. When I said that Simon opens his eyes as if hearing my voice wakes him. Our eyes hold gaze but it's only for a second. I feel his gaze runs down on my dress and then at me. It's really hard for me to just feel this when I was having a hard time ignoring the thought of him. It was so hard. Does Simon finds me attractive now with this dress? Does he think I'm pretty like the girl beside him?“I gotta lea
Why do sometimes I believe that Era wants me but then the second she realized that she's making me feel that way, she's pulling away like it's something she never wants to do. Because I know, the moment I kissed her she wanted it. So badly. For so long I've been wanting to do that with her but it's just hard to do it. She left being sorry as if the biggest mistake she ever done. It's only been a day since she've known Cooper mad now they're a thing? So fast. Too fast and he gets to kiss as if they're in love already. But in that moment, I know Era doesn't want me there so I went outside. Every moment seems like I'm painstakingly losing her. The girl who have my heart since we were young. We were so young and just the two of us. No Cooper. No one else but us. I wonder if she feels bleary with me. Like she's looking for a new adventure. I know Cooped could give her that adventure. What can I give her then? I'm nothing but a drinker. Cooper is more confident, more elegant, more of i-
The sound of birds chirping from the window wakes me up. Then when I move, I feel a holding my hand. I look down, it's Simon's. He's seated in a chair next to the bed. His face the other direction but I know his messy brown hair. It's his. I always know. I can't help but smile that he's here. My hand reaches out to touch his strands and smooth the ones that are sticking out.I miss touching his hair. I could barely do this. It always feels like a once-in-a-lifetime kind of chance. He stirs and turns to me. He pulls his hand right away like he's not supposed to do that. Right. He's not supposed to. I just forgot about Cooper for a few good minutes. “Good morning.” He sits upright. “How are you feeling?” He doesn't sound worried like Cooper or my father. It's like he already knows I would feel better, eventually. “Better than yesterday.” I say. “Why's your hair get so messy in the morning?” He laughs at himself. And reaches up to fix his hair like he's embarrassed. “Says the one wi
On my home, it's already dark. I keep looking behind as if someone might stab or kidnap any time soon. But for the most part, I wish he was there outside the parking lot and wait for me until my shift ends. But he wasn't there. Simon wasn't there. Not seeing him after that morning is probably best for us. For me and Cooper. And us, Simon and I. I like walking on the way home. It's just easier for me to think and process things. These past few days. It's been me and Cooper. He stays. I thought by next week, he would get rid of me. Like I I thought he would eventually see me as boring. But he's still here. He's staying with me whether I work a lot or not. Sometimes I wonder if what he does when he's not with me. He never said anything about it. Maybe I could ask him tomorrow night. He wants to take me to this restaurant by the beach. He loves it there at night. Wind and golden bulbs on the shore, as how he described it would be.When I reach to the my front door, I glance over the h
Chapter Song: Good Mourning by Sophie Holohan The first time I had my heart broken was when Era rejected me when I asked to junior prom. I was very excited. I keep jumping on my bed. Writing the best letter invitation. I even asked Kim to read it for me just to see how she would react. But she couldn't feel a thing. She said, “People just can't read something and force to feel a thing when those romantic words are not meant for them. It's not going to work that way.” She told me and then went back to her room. “You have to give it to her. Move fast, turtle!” She yells from other side of the wall. But Era rejected me. She wanted the other guy. It wasn't me. He was the Mr. Popular and I was just someone she knew. I didn't know how it felt like but I hope I would never have to experience it again. Because that's the kind of moment where I wish I didn't exist at all. I thought a lot about Kim's words then and now. It was so hard to find the courage to walk up to my best friend and
The thing about love is we dont get to to force it when it's not for us. Because real love is letting go. And I think that's what I'm doing today. Letting go.I still see her every day. Maybe it's just always be me. It would be hard to not watch her walk under the sun when she's Era. She was my best friend. Always will be. I've known a little parts of her that never changed. And that's her smile. And how she's still the girl that I would cherish even she's in love with someone else. I have a feeling it's going to rain today. Oh shoot. I still need to pick up some gardening tools from Macy's store. I should pick it up later tonight when I'm finish planting the seed in the soil. I've been trying to preoccupied my mind with gardening or planting. I dont know what it exactly called. Perhaps, this is just because I'm so new to this. And so far it's keep my mind off of the things that messes my mind. It's therapy, I guess. A free one. Kim is gone. My mom is gone. Kim's still uncertain whe
FIVE YEARS LATERERA'S POV “Mommy! Mommy!” I run upstairs and trying my best not to think of any bad thing that can happen to Sophie. She's sitting in the bathroom. “What happened?”I ask her, holding her hands. “Can you get my Zoe in my bedroom?” A relief of sigh come out of me. Zoe is her teddy bear. The only thing she can play with among all other toys she have. I don't think it's one of the fun thing about being a young kid. You get to choose which toy is your favorite. If it's a plastic toy. A feathery toy. It's all up to you. And it's one of my favorite thing to do for Sophie. Being able to give her the one that she likes the most. Sometimes it reminds me of my childhood and it often leads me to remember Simon. It's been five years. Yes. Five years. I don't how will I feel. Sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get tot he point of seeing each other again. And I have come to the point of not liking myself thinking about it. It's making me sad sometimes. I do feel like I have giv
I finally decided to let go of the house. Era have put a sign in front of their house that says property for sale. The last morning I have was spent staring at the sign for a few hours. I wasn't feeling happy about it. It was a lonely sight for me. I was empty. The soaring loneliness have become more evident. If only Richard didn't have to be gone. Everyone showed up at the funeral. Richard's family was there. Dad was there. We talked a bit and then he went back to New York. He is apparently a business man. A man of success. A man of ambition. Richard is a man of balance. He is still successful. He gave time to his family. He have happiness to both. I really see the different. But what can it do. Things will never be the same. Some little words from my own father aren't enough. I needed him more than anything. This is something I wish he have given me. Sometimes, I just want Richard to be my father but he isn't the name on the paper but he has a piece in my heart that stays the same
That's when I know. I know that something is going on. The way my mother wipes roughly broken wipes the tears on her face like a kid getting a cry from a horrible moment. From a heartbreaking moment. Through the window, I watch her make her way to our front door. .the door flies open, “Simon. It's Richard.” She breaks into tears. Her face in a crumpped confused, scared and in disbelief scene. I immediately meet her at the door.“What happened to him?”“When I step in, he was lying on the floor. He was....he's...Simon... He's dead, Simon. He's dead.” She can't seem to push every right word to say but she's able to breathe afterwards. “What do you mean he's dead?” I pace through the floor, trying to understand everything she's saying. I'm sure Kim doesn't know this. But how could Richard be dead? Me and mom ran back to the Fin house. It's hard to believe it. It's hard to believe that a person could be dead when you just saw them a few days ago, like a minute ago. Is this a dream? I a
Endings can sometimes feel like numbing and at the same time you're hoping it's not happening. But the truth is you're not fearing over the end, you're fearing over the change. Because that exactly what I'm fearing now. The change. Sometimes I want to dig open the future and be there and let it become known to me but it's impossible to happen. I feel like I have let the things come to an end without doing something to prevent it. End and change are teo of the most scary things to happen. And mostly the change is what I fear because it is just the way it is and that I can never do anything to with it.I've been sitting in the kitchen table, eating my cereal, and drinking my cold coffee. But it takes me hours to even take a sip of it. In the morning I just feel my hand heavy and I can't even move to lift my cup. My mother called me a few times this morning but even if it was just right next to me. I didn't move a nerve to answer it. The phone rings ten times and I just ignore it like
It's Friday afternoon, 1:56 P.M. I'm walking toward the front door when I see a glimpse of Era outisde their house, throwing the garbage at the same time. I blink a few times, hoping she would be gone then but I guess I don't believe it right away because I know there's no way she's home right now. But she's still there and my heart is beating right out of my chest the moment it sinks in. Everything is happening so fast that I already find myself running towards where she's standing. Her back is on me and when she turns around, there's no trace of shock in her face. Was she expecting me to be here in the first place? It's been three days since I was back from New York. Three days since she was gone. Gad I miss her to much. I can't believe this enough that she's here. Alive and smiling at me as if she never really disappeared. “Era?” I finally say. “Hey.” I find myself shy in front of her. Her smile only widens and then she jumps to wrap her arms around me. I only close my eyes and
I've never been to New York. Well, it was once when my mother took me to meet my father. I was probably five years old at that time. I didn't really know what happened and forgotten how it felt like so I think right now, this is my first time to actually be here and be fully present.If I have one more reason to be here, I would know but right now, one real reason I have is Era. I've been tossing and turning on my sleep last night. Well, technically, I wasn't really sleeping, I was awake and staring at the dark space covering the ceiling. Maybe it was meant to happen that way. To always think of her so I can decide whether I come to New York. Tell her what I feel towards her. Tell her how much I want her. I love her. Gad, it took me years of heartbreak to even decide on this one. To finally confront her with my feelings. I don't know what to expect but I want this to happen. It needs to happen. It has to happen. Because if not now, when? I can't watch her go and be merry with Brad, b
I've never been to New York. Well, it was once when my mother took me to meet my father. I was probably five years old at that time. I didn't really know what happened and forgotten how it felt like so I think right now, this is my first time to actually be here and be fully present.If I have one more reason to be here, I would know but right now, one real reason I have is Era. I've been tossing and turning on my sleep last night. Well, technically, I wasn't really sleeping, I was awake and staring at the dark space covering the ceiling. Maybe it was meant to happen that way. To always think of her so I can decide whether I come to New York. Tell her what I feel towards her. Tell her how much I want her. I love her. Gad, it took me years of heartbreak to even decide on this one. To finally confront her with my feelings. I don't know what to expect but I want this to happen. It needs to happen. It has to happen. Because if not now, when? I can't watch her go and be merry with Brad, b
“So you're going back tonight?” My father asks after he talked to Brad in the kitchen. Brad nods and says, “Yeah. I think Era wants us to go back right away.” He then eyes me and raise one eyebrow. I follow them to the porch while I leave Sophie playing on a little crib my father made for her. He's such a sweet father. Even when I was little he would always got things for me. “But I think we will have dinner with you tonight. Is that...”He speaks even before I can complete my sentence. “Come on. You're my daughter. Of course I would want to have dinner with you here. Me and Simon will be cooking barbecue. What do you request having?” When his name pops out of his mouth, it makes me look down at my shoes. ”Wine, I guess.That's fine too.” I just say. It hits me then that it's Simon and father that have been getting closer now. Will I be able to concentrate later when he will be here, eating dinner with us? With me and Brad on the same table? How would he feels for that? I was broke
The moment Brad turns to my main street, my heart skips a beat. There's always something about this street that makes my heart goes that way. Something something about this street that reminds me so much about the entirety of my life. Like the trees next to it, the side walk. The matching cream color of the houses. The way the wind makes almost every little tiny objects move in the middle of a hot afternoon in Holy Cross Village. That name sounds childhood to me. A childhood that was long go forgotten.It's past afternoon, now. Brad and I have been listening to the radio for the last two hours. After that crying and feeling it all about his past, I just then felt steady and fairly positive about this life of mine. Life isn't always going to be that excellent and, all the time, happy. I know that. But this moment with my daughter and Brad marks a good memory somehow. There's always going to be failures and grieves that will be part of life and we should take part of it. Allow them to b