Prologue

"Are you sure you'll gonna do it this time?"

I smiled mischievously as I zipped the last trolly bag I'm going to bring. Huminga ako ng malalim at sumandal sa sofa na kinauupuan.

"Yes, Haeden. It's been years, we all have already moved on."

Remembering the past brings a lot of bitterness on my tongue, but just like what I have said, we already moved on. I do.

Narinig ko ang buntong hininga niya sa kabilang linya. Sa lahat ng kaibigan ko, siya lang ang nakakaalam ng talagang nangyari, at ng totoong dahilan kung bakit nabago ang istorya ko, kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit ganito siya kaapektado.

I have always known that life in a foreign country could be this fun, and I wasn't disappointed. I have faced a lot of struggles before. Ito na lang siguro ang masasabi kong pinakatreat ko sa sarili ko.

"Shoot. When's your flight? I'm gonna fetch you."

Sabi na, eh! Hindi niya ako matitiis.

I told her the details of my flight and lucky me because she doesn't have any appointment that day.

"Si Seth ba?" I asked.

"Naku! Naglalalandi pa! Hindi ba kayo nagkita diyan sa New York? May inattendan na fashion show 'yon, ah!"

I recall our last meeting here in New York last week. Seth's with a foreigner which I doubt is his boyfriend. They seemed happy together and I'm too glad for them as well. I am so happy that Seth finally found his match.

"Yeah, we met nga. So hindi pa siya umuuwi ng Pinas?" It's been a week, so I thought bumalik na siya.

"Gaga! Paano makakauwi iyon, eh may kasamang kano? Alam mo naman ang pamilya no'n. Mga galing military, baka hindi pa nakakababa sa PAL ay naambush na."

"Grabe ka naman! Hindi naman siguro gagawin 'yun ng pamilya ni Seth. Kahit papaano naman ay matutunan din nilang tanggapin 'yon." I suggested.

A family is a family, that's what I believe. No matter what happens, they'll always be there. One way or another.

"Ang sabi ko nga, magpakasal na sila diyan kung talagang mahal niya. I've seen how much Kleo loves him so support ako do'n. Para kapag umuwi sila dito, wala nang papalag."

"I agree with that, too."

Marriage.

I suddenly felt a bitter outburst on my stomach. It was so surreal.

"Tamang tama din nga ang uwi mo. I'm gonna make you my bride's maid! Next month na ang kasal ko."

I know that. Kaya nga pinilit ko talaga na makauwi. Seeing her and be with her on her most awaited day is the best thing I can do to repay all the things she've done for me.

"Nag uusap na ba kayo ni Rosé?" She asked.

Natulala ako nang marinig ang pangalan ng isa pa naming kaibigan. Pinilit kong ngumiti para hindi bumalik ang mga alaala na hindi naman na dapat pang binabalikan.

"Yes! We also met once in Florida. We're in good terms, but not the good-good. Parang back to reality lang." I tried to sound fine and happy.

Mukha namang naniwala siya. "She already know what happened na din naman and she tried to understand. Closure na lang din siguro from you ang kailangan."

"I know, Haeden." I said. "But let's be honest.. we cannot really bring back what we were before."

It's true. What happened between me and Jonathan before really do wounded her big time. Nangyari ang kinatatakutan ko and I was so sorry for her but I couldn't do anything to make her feel better.

As I look back a lot, unti-unti ko ding narerealize ang mga pagkakamali ko. Nakikita ko ang mga bagay na dapat pala ay ginawa ko. There's a lot of what if's and what might's these past years of my life.

I've lived with them and I tried to swallow hard each day thinking how bad I could be.

I will understand if they will curse me or talk bad with my name on it. I deserve it. I really do, for all the things I have done to hurt them before.

Pero hindi din naman nila ako masisisi. Problems came, I was still so young to endure all the pain and hardships. I tried so hard to balance everything and think maturely, but I failed. I failed and I stumbled hard.

Back then, I realized that life isn't really all about laughters and achievements. There will always come the time that you need to learn in the most painful way for you to keep the lesson.

Hindi ako nagsisisi sa desisyon ko noon, kung mayroon man, iyon ay dahil nasaktan ko sila. Nasaktan ko ang mga taong nagmamahal sa akin. Kahit binigyan nila ako ng pagkakataon na magpaliwanag, naligaw pa din ako.

Hindi pa din sila ang pinili ko.

Kaya maiintindihan ko na kung sa pagbalik ko ay wala na akong puwang pa sa buhay nila.

It's just natural.

That sometimes, we are just an extra in someone's chapter, not a character in the whole book.

I am most anxious as the airplane was about to take off. A lot of scenarios flooding in my mind.

It's about what? 6 or 7 years since the last time I've been in the Philippines?

Ano na kayang hitsura niya? May anak na kaya siya?

O baka happily married na din siya? In those years, imposible na wala siyang nakarelasyon. Posible na isa sa mga 'yon ay maging asawa niya kaya baka ngayon ay may anak na sila. Hindi na ako magugulat kung ganoon nga ang aabutan ko. Ako naman ang may gusto nito, hindi ba? Ako ang humiling sa kaniya nito kaya wala akong karapatan na masaktan pa ulit.

Tapos na 'ko sa yugto na 'yon ng buhay ko. I have to live now, we have to live our lives the way we should be.

"BESSYYY!"

Agad niya akong dinamba ng yakap nang makita ako. I giggled. It feels like I was back on our old gold days.

"Namiss kita.." I said while chuckling.

Mahina niya 'kong hinampas sa braso. "Bruha ka! Hindi ka man lang kasi umuwi dito! Ang mahal ng ticket papunta sa ibang bansa, ha?! 'Di ako rich!"

Iginiya niya ako papunta sa sasakyan niya. We had chitchats about how our lives went while we're away from each other.

I learned that her groom-to-be is the guy she met way back in senior high. Iyong nakilala niya from MAPUA. I felt bad because I wasn't even there when she needed me the most, like she did when I need someone to lean on pero binatukan niya pa ako kasi nagdadrama pa daw ako!

She already has her own engineering firm, at doon ulit sila nagkita ni Deniel, dahil nagtulong sila sa isang project and the rest is history.

I am sincerely happy for the both of them and Seth. They both found the love of their life and been happy now.

"'Wag kang tatakas, ha?" Seryoso niyang sabi habang nilalagay ko ang bag sa kwarto ng condo ko.

Hinatid niya 'ko diretso dito dahil na din sa request ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero wala sa loob ko na lumabas ngayon.

"Bakit naman ako tatakas?" Natatawang sabi ko.

Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. As the years passed by, I learned how to hide my emotions from others. I've become a Psychologist and I get to understand a lot of things when it comes to people's reaction and emotion.

But I don't read people's mind like the misconception about psychologists.

"Why? Hindi ka ba natatakot na magkita kayo ulit?" The atmosphere now changed.

I bit my lip as I stared at the glass of water infront of me. Am I scared?

"No," nakangiting baling ko sa kaniya. I stared directly into her eyes to let her see how true I am with my answer. "I am not. If he'll still asks for apology then I'll gladly give him that. He deserves it. Pero kung tahimik na siya at pamilyado na, I'll take it as a signal that I should keep my peace as well."

I should be convincing her that it doesn't affect me at all, but it kinda turned out that I am more likely convincing myself.

"Wala pa siyang pamilya," umupo siya sa katapat kong high-stool at humalumbaba. "After you left, wala na din kaming naging balita sa kaniya. He just came back recently, and he's still not yet married."

I shouldn't feel this but there's a little hope in my heart. Nag iwas ako sa kaniya ng tingin at sumimsim ng tubig.

She smiled and shook her head as if she just confirmed something. She glanced at her wristwatch and stood up.

"Oh siya! I'll just give you a call, ha? I still have a lunch date with Niel, don't hesitate to call me if you need anything."

Napuno ng katahimikan ang condo ko nang makaalis siya. I tried so hard to hard it, but the 7 years being away from him seems like to restart as soon as I heard about him.

Get a grip of yourself, Krissy! Nothing is still the same as before.

The first month I had when I get back in the Philippines was just normal. Nag apply ako sa isang kilalang hospital at agad ding natanggap.

The work here is not as tough as the one I had in New York. My Mom's calling me from time to time, I'm still convincing her to just go home here with me but she already learned to love the life in Western so I just can't pursue her.

Isa pa, doon kami huling nagkaroon ng alaala kay Daddy, kaya siguro hindi niya maiwan.

We really had a tough time in the past. I couldn't even imagine how we are able to get through it, but here we are right now. Slowly getting in shape again.

"Nasa'n ka na?!"

As far as I tried to live my life normally again here in the country, dumating pa din ang time na kakailanganin ko silang harapin.

"Ito na, I'm sorry I just finished my last appointment. Malapit na 'ko."

Bukas na ang kasal ni Haeden and it will be held in Taal, Batangas. Just like her dream wedding.

Nalate ako ng pagpunta doon kasi kinailangan ko pang tapusin iyong last appointment ko sa patient. Dealing with them is really crucial and sensitive so I always have to be careful, specially with my words.

Ngayon ang final fitting sa gowns kaya pinagmamadali ako ni Haeden. Pinadala ko lang kasi sa kaniya ang sukat ko kaya hindi ko pa iyon natatry, hindi ko din alam kung anong style or anong motif ng kasal nila.

It's around 3 pm when I get to their house. Binungangaan talaga ako ni Haeden. Medyo nastress na siguro sa preparations at sumali pa ako. Kaya nang matapos ang fitting ay inako ko na ang ilang gawain.

I'm very nervous allthroughout my stay there. Feeling ko kasi ay anytime, pwede kaming magkita. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya haharapin.

Should I act like I know him or like I don't?

These thoughts linger on my mind until the next morning. Nag aayos na kaming lahat para pumunta sa simbahan. I'm really anxious right now, akala ko ay magaling na ako sa pagtatago ng emosyon but as soon as I saw my friends gathering together at the bride's room, I teared up.

Lalo na nang magkayakap kami ni Rosé.

"You should've told me earlier! You don't deserve any of those pains!" Naiiyak na sabi niya.

But I just smiled and told her, "It's all in the past now. What happened already did happen so let's just move on."

Wala nang magbabago kahit ano pang pagsisisi ang gawin namin. The least thing I can do is to let them see the regret that I have and make sure I won't do it again.

I'm even pretty sure that I won't because I have no reason at all.

"Finally, this is the future we've all been dreaming for! Ang gaga, ikakasal din! Apakalandi!"

At that time, I forgot that we are all grown up. It felt like we are back from what we were before and I loved it. I forgot the pains and the tears we shed.

Friends are really easy to find, but the bestfriends who'll be there until the end are rare.

And I'm happy I get to find and keep them.

Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa braso ni Seth nang papalabas kami ng bahay nina Haeden. Mauuna kasi kaming pumunta ng simbahan bago siya, hiwalay din naman kami ng sasakyan.

"Wala siya dito. Baka sa reception na lang 'yon pumunta." Si Rosé na mukhang nahalata ang gusto kong iparating.

Hindi ko alam kung nakahinga ba ako ng maluwag kasi hindi kami magkikita ngayon o mas nanikip ang dibdib ko dahil umaasa ako na magkikita na kami.

I wonder what he looks like now. I wonder how his life went and what he does for a living.

Gusto kong magtanong kay Rosé about sa kapatid niya, pero nahihiya ako. Parang ang kapal naman ng mukha ko para kamustahin pa siya pagkatapos ng ginawa ko.

We lined up as soon as we reached the church. Royal blue ang motif katulad ng favorite color ni Haeden. Heart-tube ang style ng gowns namin at flowy ang laylayan, hindi katulad ng mga cocktail dress. Umabot lang 'yon ng kaunti hanggang sa baba ng tuhod.

My hair is now light brown as I dyed it before, simula nang maging doctor ako. I asked the hair stylist earlier to curl the end of my hair and she did a great job. Ako na lang ang nagmake-up sa sarili ko kasi marunong naman ako.

Nagsimula ang misa ng kasal. Isa isa kaming naglakad sa aisle. My heart's about to burst as I felt how fast its beats are. Daig ko pa ang ikakasal!

I literally cry while watching Haeden walks down the aisle. It is true, though. The bride is the most beautiful in her wedding day. Not because of the gown, her bouquet, or even her make up and hair, but because of her aura. She's the most inlove right now and the happiest woman since she's bound to be one with her groom.

I even saw how Deniel shed tears, too. Hindi ko akalain na sila ang magkakatuluyan.

"Tayo kaya, kailan ikakasal?" Natatawang tanong ni Rosé.

"Magpaligaw ka muna bago mo hilingin na ikasal ka." si Joy.

Kasal na din si Joy last year pa at may isa nang anak na babae. Seth showed us his ring finger earlier and he's also married with Kleo. They are planning to have a child, maybe by having a surrogate mother.

The wedding ceremony was filled with laughter, tears and happiness as it ended.

"You may now kiss the bride!"

Tumayo kaming lahat at nagpalakpakan. Tinawag kami para sa ilang picture takings, inabot kami ng ilang minuto. Nang matapos ay dumiretso na kami sa reception.

Halos hindi na ako makatayo ng ayos sa sobrang kaba. My knees are trembling just by the thought that this time really has to come.

Nagkaroon ng ilan pang programa habang hindi pa dumadating ang newly-wed couples. Nasa iisang mesa din kaming magkakaibigan kahit pa may designated seats kami para lang magkwentuhan.

We had a lot of things to catch up with each other. Lalo na ako sa kanila.

Kaunting oras pa ay dumating na din sina Haeden. Hindi niya na suot ang belo niya, dahil na din siguro sa init ng panahon.

Tinawag kami para sa pagbibigay ng mensahe. Inuna muna ang mga kamag anak ng bride, bago kami nina Seth, para magbigay ng message sa kanila.

Nakangiti lang ako the whole time, nawala na din sa isipan ang inaalala dahil sa saya'ng nararamdaman.

"Let's all hear it from the bride's closest bestfriend, Krissy!"

Inulan pa 'ko ng pang aasar nina Seth dahil sa description. Closest talaga?

Tumatawang inabot ko ang mic. Tumikhim muna ako bago magsimula. I am really lost for words right now.

"I really don't know what to say because I am just so genuinely happy for the both of you," I started.

The crowd "Awww"-ed and cheered for me. Mas lalo akong natawa lalo na nang marinig ko ang sigaw ni Haeden.

"It's your time to shine! Hanapan kita boylet!" Sigaw niya na agad ding sinuway ni Deniel. They are the crazy-serious couple.

"Nah, mas masaya maging single!" Ganti ko. Tumikhim ulit ako at tumingin sa kanilang dalawa. "But seriously, I am happy for the both of you. No one really did expect that you two will end up together!"

Nakarinig kami ng asaran, paniguradong sa mga kaibigan ni Deniel kasi sinamaan niya ng tingin.

"Dating sites are really useful din nga, I might use it one of these days. Kidding aside, I wish the both of you a happy marriage life. It's not an easy thing to enter this stage of life, but I know that you both face a lot of struggles and difficulties together that you can use as your strength to work things out without letting go of one's hand. I'll be just right here, kami nina Seth, whenever you both need help and to support you guys. Ready na din kaming maging ninang!"

I laughed after I said that. Natapos ang speech ko at naupo na kami. After we get to tell them our messages and the groom's part is done as well, we started to eat.

Matapos noon ay nagkaroon pa ng kaunting laro at program.

"It's time for single ladies to come outtt!" Haeden shouted. Naghiyawan ang mga nandito lalo na iyong mga kadalagahan. "As per tradition, ihahagis ko 'tong bouquet at syempre, iyon ang susunod na ikakasal. But here's the twist!" Lumapit sa kaniya si Deniel na dala dala ang bungkos ng mga bouquet. "I have 7 bouquets here, we'll have 8 ladies here infront to play the game and the one who'll not be able to catch any, will be the winner!"

Pinilit ako nina Rosé na makisali doon. Todo tanggi ako kaya lumapit din si Haeden para hilahin ako.

"Bawal ang kj sa wedding day ko, bessy!" She said.

I have always known her for having a bad temper, and I'm always right about it.

All I need is to catch that bouquet and I'm good! Who am I gonna marry as well if I'd be the winner? It's not gonna make sense.

There's a low probability na hindi ako makakasalo kaya tumayo na nga ako sa gitna kasama ang iilan pang kadalagahan. Nagcheer ang mga kaibigan namin kaya napailing na lang ako.

I'm old enough to still believe in this tradition.

"Here we go!"

Dalawa ang hinagis ni Haeden na magkasabay. Tumalon ako para sambutin maalin man doon pero naunahan ako ng dalawang nasa gilid ko. Mas matangkad kasi sila sa akin.

I made face because of that. There's still 5.

Dalawa ulit na magkasunod. Halos magkandarapa sila kaya hindi na ako nakasunod pa. Baka mabangasan pa 'ko dahil lang sa bouquet. Ngumisi si Haeden nang makitang nandoon pa din ako at nakatayo.

Napairap ako sa asar. Sinigurado kong masasambot ko na ang isa sa susunod na ihahagis niya kaya lang, medyo malayo sa akin! Ang dalawang nasa gilid ko ang nakasalo.

Iisa na lang ang natitira. Pinaghiwalay kami. May pakiramdam ako na sinasadya nila iyon para hindi ko makuha ang huling bouquet, at tama nga ako kasi sinadya ni Haeden na sa kaliwa ihagis!

Napanganga ako sa gulat at hindi kaagad nakahuma.

"And the winner is our very own Bride's maid!" Nilapitan ako ng MC.

Tulala pa din ako dahil sa nangyari pero agad ding nakahuma nang tapikin ako ng MC na nasa tabi ko na. Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Haeden na tawang tawa sa nangyari.

"What's your name, ganda?"

"Krissy," our friends cheered up for me. Napailing na lang ako.

"Single o taken?" I smirked. Do they have to know?

"Technically taken." Makahulugang sambit ko.

"Hoy, hindi 'yan! Single na single 'yan!"

Dinilaan ko si Haeden nang marinig ang pang aasar niya.

"Okay! Since ikaw ang hindi nakasalo ng bouquet, pipili ngayon ang groom ng papasahan niya ng garter!"

I licked my lower lip as I patiently wait in the middle. Humalukipkip ako habang tinataasan ng kilay sina Seth na tuwang tuwa sa nangyayari.

Nakarinig ako ng impit na tilian kaya napalingon ako kaagad.

My head seems lighter that moment. Wala akong maisip na iba, lalo na nang magtagpo ang paningin namin. He became taller and his features became more matured.

"Ayyy, ang pogi!" Rinig ko pang komento ng MC sa tabi ko.

He's wearing a white longsleeve polo and black slacks. His hair that's used to be messy before is now in clean cut. Mas tumangkad siya, hanggang balikat niya na lang ako kahit pa malayo siya.

His cheerful and friendly aura has now changed as well. Hindi ko na makita sa kaniya ang dating Jonathan. What I am seeing now is the Jonathan that has finally learned lessons in life and got matured enough because of them.

Napalunok ako at napaiwas ng tingin dahil sa intensidad ng titig niya. I even saw his jaw clenching while looking at me.

Kahit sina Haeden ay nagulat at natahimik dahil sa nangyari. I bet that Deniel didn't have any idea about us.

"He's my bestfriend and the one who helped me a lot in the business world, his name is Jonathan, everyone!" Pakilala sa kaniya ni Deniel.

Pakiramdam ko ay biglang lumiit ang lugar nang pagtabihin kaming dalawa. Kinilabutan ako nang magtama ang braso naming dalawa. Alam kong nakatingin siya sa akin pero hindi ko magawang sumulyap man lang. Hindi ko kaya.

Ilang beses akong napalunok at pinagpapawisan na. Gusto ko nang umalis doon at magtago na lang. Buong akala ko ay madali na para sa akin ang harapin siya dahil sa mahabang panahon na lumipas pero heto pa din ako, bumabalik sa simula. Nandito pa din ang pamilyar na pagwawala ng puso ko habang nandiyan siya.

Pinagharap kaming dalawa. Hindi pa din ako nakatingin sa kaniya.

"So now, Mr. Jonathan here is going to put the garter on Ms. Krissy's thigh!"

Naglagay sila ng upuan sa likod ko. Napasulyap ako kay Haeden na nasa gilid ko na at bakas ang pag aalala sa mukha. Tumango ako ng bahagya at nginitian siya para iparating na okay lang ako, kahit halos bumagsak ako sa monoblock na nasa likudan dahil biglang bumigay ang tuhod ko.

Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko. I gritted my teeth and looked away. I saw him clenching his jaw in my peripheral view while staring at me.

Nalasahan ko ang pait sa akin. Who would be glad to see me after what I have done to ruin him afterall?

Tumikhim ako dahil hindi niya pa isinusuot ang garter sa hita ko.

Napilitan akong humarap sa kaniya. "You can put it now." I tried so hard to stay calm and to not stutter.

Mas tumiim ang titig niya sa akin. Madilim ang mukhang itinaas niya ang paa ko. Umiigting ang braso niya at kita ko ang ugat mula doon dahil nakatupi hanggang siko ang manggas ng suot na longsleeve polo.

Hindi ko siya mabasa. Hindi ko alam kung galit siya sa nangyayari o sa akin. Napapikit ako nang maramdaman ang daliri niya sa balat ko. It's like he's sending me a huge amount of electricity and I can't bear to handle it.

Hinihingal na tumayo ako nang matapos siya. Sinundan niya ako ng tingin pero umiwas lang ako at mariin na kinagat ang dila. I even hate to see how blank those stares are. Na parang hindi niya ako kilala.

Nang sabihin ng MC na tapos na ay agad akong umalis doon at nagpaalam na pupunta sa comfort room.

Being with him in the same place is just too much! Napasapo ako sa dibdib ko habang nakasandal sa dingding.

The courage I had tried to make in myself and the things I have planned once I met him again are all messed up right now. Everything is out of my control once again and I'm starting to hate myself for having the same affection towards the same guy.

I've been in a few relationships way back in New York. When I was in med school, when I'm having my residency, and even when I am already working!

I've been with a lot of guys already, but why do I keep on messing up things whenever he's around?

Or maybe I am just guilty.

Napahilamos ako sa mukha at pinilit ang sarili na paniwalaan ang naiisip na posibilidad sa nangyayari sa akin. Siguro nga... that I am just guilty because of what I did to him in the past.

Also I have no right to say anything on how he's going to treat me, because I treated him the worst before.

*****

This story is still raw and unedited. Please bear with me if some scenes will confuse you. Will surely get back after I finished the whole series. Happy readings!

*****

Marie Mendoza

@ThirdTeeYet