RyanHow can I stay away from her and focus on my oncoming child . . . when she kisses like that?I had known it was a mistake going to that exhibition and I’d gone anyway. Telling myself, scratch that, deceiving myself that I was going in order not to break my word to her. I might be a man of my words but the reason I went to her apartment was because I was missing her to a point of crazy and I was losing it and I had to see her. I just had to see her.Well, I saw her, held her, kissed her and reminded myself that I couldn’t live without her.Good job, Ryan.I can’t be with her. She hurt me and I have a child on the way with her sister, so even though I am mad at her now, I can’t do that to her. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her about the child because I know how much that’ll affect her.How fucked can this be?The thoughts run in circles in my head as I make my way to my apartment on the other side of the city. If only there was another choice, another option to make …Wait!
Tiara: Are you okay?I look down at the text from Melody sent last night. My eyes are heavy because I’ve not had any sleep and not because I’ve been crying.Or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself since I got home.Ryan was right. He is a jerk. A big time jerk complete with a ‘J’ in bold caps.How could he . . . kiss me like that and tell me right after, to my face, that he would ‘likely’ get married to Ciara. She is his endgame.I should stop torturing myself like this. Ryan isn’t mine, he has never been and never will be. Now, if only my heart can accept that then perhaps I’ll be okay.Blowing an exasperated breath, I decide to reply Melody’s text because I know she can easily decide to show up here at any moment if I leave her on read one second longer.I text: ‘Yeah. Never been better,’ and hit send.She must have seen through my lie like a detective because a second later she starts typing back.: Bringing him was a bad idea. How bad was it?I shoot back:: It wasn’t a
TiaraHe hit me?This is more than just a hit, this is basically an assault.I don’t need to ask her about who the ‘he’ is in her statement.Panic tearing at my heart, I pull her in and close the door behind us. She is not unconscious but she is limp against my body as I prop her against a couch and grab my phone from my purse with shaking hands.“What are you doing?” her voice is weak, like she is on the verge of passing out.“Calling someone.”“Who?”“I don’t know mum, anyone that can help. Dad, the hospital, anyone.”“No, no,” she stretches a hand to stop me, “not the hospital. It’ll be all over the news.”“That’s what you are worried about now?” I ask her incredulously, “fine, I’ll call my father.”“No, not him either,” she presses a hand to the bridge of her nose to still the bleeding, “he—he’s going to . . . he’ll kill him.”I’ve never seen my father as a violent man, he has always been the quiet type, the calm one, the sense of reason in every conversation. But if she is this w
Tiara“The doctors said you’ll be fine.”Grace nods her bandaged forehead, “I know.” Her tired eyes search the room, “Where is Ciara?”I wonder if she’ll still search the room for her if she knew Ciara deemed it right for Donald to hit her, “She went to get some clothes,” I say instead, “she’ll be back in a while.”“But I’m here,” Melody announces, tramping inside the hospital room with three bars of chocolate in her hand, “and I brought snacks.”I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t think she can eat that, Mel.”“Why not?”I give her my best are-you-kidding-me look, struggling to hide my smile. “Because she is recovering.”“Oh she definitely can eat these,” she plops on a seat beside the bed, opposite me on the other side, “it’s nutritional and besides, I saw a super cute doctor downstairs who gave me the go ahead . . . and his number,” she winks.That gets my mother to chuckle, “Well, it’s a good thing I ended up in the hospital then.”“Definitely,” Melody jokes.“Right. I’ll keep that in
Tiara“I don’t think . . .” my mother trails off, her gaze pinging back and forth between me and the doctor, “I don’t think you got that right, she . . .”I’m still staring into space, wondering if I just fantasized the whole interaction. Not that I would want to fantasize about something like that anyway.“Tee?” Melody calls, reaching out to give me a gentle shake, “Tee?”“I. . .” shaken, I look up at the doctor, “something is . . . you’ve got to,” I shake my head, “I can’t be.”“Yeah, I mean,” Melody opens her palm in explanation, “you used protections and stuff.”I shoot her a look. “I did.”“I know. And pills work like eighty percent of the time. You took pills immediately you . . .” the back of her hand goes to her mouth as she trails of and I know what she is thinking about even before she says it. “Except that first time . . .”My mother jerks her head, “What?”The images hit me – the kiss on the yacht during the truth or dare game, then right after the truth or dare game, the
TiaraI gasp, getting up.“We don’t know how old the fetus is, we have to do a scan to be sure, but in my opinion, you’re only a few weeks gone.”Oh my God. Oh no! I start pacing around the room. How the hell is this happening?I’m panicking, right here, right now. I don’t know if I want this, I sure as hell don’t want to be the other woman in my sister’s marriage. I don’t even know if –Melody’s words break through my thoughts. “We need a minute, doc.”“Of course,” the door closes behind the doctor as she leaves and Melody comes up to put her arms around me.“Congratulations, babe,” she whispers in my ears.Easier for her to say, she’s not the one carrying her sister’s boyfriend’s child.I look back at my mother, all bandaged up, with tears welling in her eyes, “Come here, Tee,” she stretches her hand to pull me in a hug.How can they be happy about this? How can they see this as a good thing? I’m not ready, I don’t think I—Oh God!“Well, we’ve got to tell Ryan about this,” my mothe
TiaraI grab my bag, shoving my phone inside it with a hurried thrust.“Are you sure about this?” Melody asks me.I nod. “Yeah.”“Tell me where you’re going to be at least.”I shrug, “I’ll tell you immediately I figure it out. I just need some time off, decide on things. I’ll figure it out and get back.”My mother was right. I can’t stay here and make any rash decisions regarding my child’s future when I just found out minutes ago. I need to be calm, I need to gather my nerves and I need to put everything in deep consideration.Melody stands to give me a hug. “Come back, okay. We can’t have you leaving New York. You’ve got everything here. So figure it all out and come back.”I can’t bring myself to tell her that I am willing to move to the end of the world and back for this baby growing inside me and not just out of New York. I love her too much to break her heart like that.“I’ll be gone for a few days,” I say instead, “weigh my options. I just don’t think I should be here, close to
RyanI hit the streets for a sunrise run as soon as I wake up and by the time I roll back into my apartment, Ciara is already gone.But barely.I can still smell the luxurious scent of her mist, a scent I was once in love with, lingering in the air as I make a strong cup of coffee and drown the hot liquid in one gulp.My guts keep eating at me as I reflect on my life.I’m an unhappy mess. A gloom-filled spark-less soul, a sadness that refuses to lift.No matter how much I try to block it out, Tiara’s words from last night are still stuck like a stubborn tumor in my head;“So what happens in the long run? You’re going to get married to her?”“In the long run? Very likely, yeah.”Would I marry Ciara in the long run? I try to picture it in my head.It’s not working out.I know how much I don’t want my child to be raised in a broken home like the one I grew up in, but if I let my child get raised in a home with Ciara and I co-parenting . . . I think of the exchange yesterday, I think of t
TiaraHis words catch me by surprise and I turn to look into his eyes. The sadness in them breaks my heart. “It was all me,” he mutters, his breathing ragged, “I dragged it too long, I told myself I was doing the right thing by making sure we stayed away from each other, I told myself it was for the best. That I was staying away from you because I was angry,” he runs his hand through his hair, avoiding my gaze, “You’re right, Tiara. You were right in hiding the child from me, you’re right to run away, because I don’t—” his eyes lock with mine, “I don’t deserve you. Both of you.”What?A second ago he was angry at me, pissed that I decided to keep the news of our child away from him. And now . . . he is saying I am right?I eye him skeptically, “Are you playing some kind of game here, Ryan?”He doesn’t say anything. Just that load of pain in his features.“I think I’m going to go,” he ventures, “Give you that much needed time to think.”It is not any kind of game he is playing. You can
TiaraHe looks disheveled.His hair is tousled up like he just got out of bed and forgot to run a comb through it. His gaze is drawn yet there is another emotion there, lingering in the surface that I can’t place, bordering on anger or pain or both. His breathing is coming up in short gasps like he had just been running which is as well, because he is in a casual running attire of black joggers and a matching black running t-shirt and he is looking at me with a shocked pained expression on his features as he lets himself in.“How could you, Tee?”I swallow.I might not know what he is talking about. I am inclined to indulge in wistful thinking and tell myself that he might be here for a completely different reason. After all he knows this place from all the years he dated Ciara.But even then, I know there are only two ways he figured out my whereabouts and it is only if my mother or Melody said something to him.However, there is still a chance that he doesn’t know about the baby in
TiaraThe beach house reeks of settled dust.And the salty, tangy scent of the beach.During the springs and summers we spent here, my mother always had the cleaners in and out before we moved in so we never had to do any sort of clean up.Hell, I didn’t even know there could be so much dust down here – fine, powdery coating that settles on the surfaces and dances in sunbeams streaming through the windows I just opened.Pulling up the cleaning gears from the broom closet immediately after I drop my bag in the room assigned to Ciara and I upstairs, I set to the task of cleaning up – dusting off surfaces, airing out the rooms, and basically just shaking of the stagnation of a long absence.In a weird way, this act of dusting feels a lot like my life. Like I am dusting away all the old things – the tears, the pain, the inferiority – and letting this new phase begin. I am having a child now, a child that I’m beginning to put above everything else, a child that has come to mean the utmost
RyanThe ride to the hospital is a short one because for some reason, they chose a small, private one close to Tiara’s apartment. Because of the size of the building, it is easy to locate the hospital ward that temporarily housed Grace Lemptons even though I had to wait by the reception for intolerable minutes while the receptionist contacted the doctors for visitation permission.I am not surprised to see Ciara in the room beside her mother’s bed and Amy by her side. I am surprised however not to see Tiara on the other side of the bed.Throw that in with more than a little disappointment.How is she missing in action, the time I finally want to let her know how I really feel?Ciara’s eyes shoot up from her mother’s face. “Ryan? You got my message?”As much as I want to tell her I came here for Tiara, I think it is best that I speak to Tiara first before I talk to anyone else about my intentions. “Yes. I did,” I lie, “that’s why you left so early?”She averts her gaze and nods. “Yup.
RyanI hit the streets for a sunrise run as soon as I wake up and by the time I roll back into my apartment, Ciara is already gone.But barely.I can still smell the luxurious scent of her mist, a scent I was once in love with, lingering in the air as I make a strong cup of coffee and drown the hot liquid in one gulp.My guts keep eating at me as I reflect on my life.I’m an unhappy mess. A gloom-filled spark-less soul, a sadness that refuses to lift.No matter how much I try to block it out, Tiara’s words from last night are still stuck like a stubborn tumor in my head;“So what happens in the long run? You’re going to get married to her?”“In the long run? Very likely, yeah.”Would I marry Ciara in the long run? I try to picture it in my head.It’s not working out.I know how much I don’t want my child to be raised in a broken home like the one I grew up in, but if I let my child get raised in a home with Ciara and I co-parenting . . . I think of the exchange yesterday, I think of t
TiaraI grab my bag, shoving my phone inside it with a hurried thrust.“Are you sure about this?” Melody asks me.I nod. “Yeah.”“Tell me where you’re going to be at least.”I shrug, “I’ll tell you immediately I figure it out. I just need some time off, decide on things. I’ll figure it out and get back.”My mother was right. I can’t stay here and make any rash decisions regarding my child’s future when I just found out minutes ago. I need to be calm, I need to gather my nerves and I need to put everything in deep consideration.Melody stands to give me a hug. “Come back, okay. We can’t have you leaving New York. You’ve got everything here. So figure it all out and come back.”I can’t bring myself to tell her that I am willing to move to the end of the world and back for this baby growing inside me and not just out of New York. I love her too much to break her heart like that.“I’ll be gone for a few days,” I say instead, “weigh my options. I just don’t think I should be here, close to
TiaraI gasp, getting up.“We don’t know how old the fetus is, we have to do a scan to be sure, but in my opinion, you’re only a few weeks gone.”Oh my God. Oh no! I start pacing around the room. How the hell is this happening?I’m panicking, right here, right now. I don’t know if I want this, I sure as hell don’t want to be the other woman in my sister’s marriage. I don’t even know if –Melody’s words break through my thoughts. “We need a minute, doc.”“Of course,” the door closes behind the doctor as she leaves and Melody comes up to put her arms around me.“Congratulations, babe,” she whispers in my ears.Easier for her to say, she’s not the one carrying her sister’s boyfriend’s child.I look back at my mother, all bandaged up, with tears welling in her eyes, “Come here, Tee,” she stretches her hand to pull me in a hug.How can they be happy about this? How can they see this as a good thing? I’m not ready, I don’t think I—Oh God!“Well, we’ve got to tell Ryan about this,” my mothe
Tiara“I don’t think . . .” my mother trails off, her gaze pinging back and forth between me and the doctor, “I don’t think you got that right, she . . .”I’m still staring into space, wondering if I just fantasized the whole interaction. Not that I would want to fantasize about something like that anyway.“Tee?” Melody calls, reaching out to give me a gentle shake, “Tee?”“I. . .” shaken, I look up at the doctor, “something is . . . you’ve got to,” I shake my head, “I can’t be.”“Yeah, I mean,” Melody opens her palm in explanation, “you used protections and stuff.”I shoot her a look. “I did.”“I know. And pills work like eighty percent of the time. You took pills immediately you . . .” the back of her hand goes to her mouth as she trails of and I know what she is thinking about even before she says it. “Except that first time . . .”My mother jerks her head, “What?”The images hit me – the kiss on the yacht during the truth or dare game, then right after the truth or dare game, the
Tiara“The doctors said you’ll be fine.”Grace nods her bandaged forehead, “I know.” Her tired eyes search the room, “Where is Ciara?”I wonder if she’ll still search the room for her if she knew Ciara deemed it right for Donald to hit her, “She went to get some clothes,” I say instead, “she’ll be back in a while.”“But I’m here,” Melody announces, tramping inside the hospital room with three bars of chocolate in her hand, “and I brought snacks.”I roll my eyes at her. “I don’t think she can eat that, Mel.”“Why not?”I give her my best are-you-kidding-me look, struggling to hide my smile. “Because she is recovering.”“Oh she definitely can eat these,” she plops on a seat beside the bed, opposite me on the other side, “it’s nutritional and besides, I saw a super cute doctor downstairs who gave me the go ahead . . . and his number,” she winks.That gets my mother to chuckle, “Well, it’s a good thing I ended up in the hospital then.”“Definitely,” Melody jokes.“Right. I’ll keep that in