Chapter 5

I’m covered in sweat. I can feel my hair drenched in it. I look up at Mama’s surprised face, eyes wide. I’m having difficulty breathing. It still feels as if someone or something is in my room with us. I look around, glancing at the shadow.

“Rae?” I hear Mama ask, softly.

I look around me again. Taking a deep breath, I look at Mama again. “Just a bad dream, Mama.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks, leaning over the bed.

“I don’t know.” I whisper, still trying to control my breathing.

“Come here, baby. Let me hold you. You’re white as a ghost.” She pleads.

I look up at her again and start crying. It wasn’t real. I’m here with Mama. I carefully pick myself up and crawl back into the bed.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep after that. It felt so real, Mama.” I say, unable to hold my tears.

Mama gathers me into her arms and starts humming. It’s a tune that she has hummed to me every time that I have been sick. I relax in her embrace as she starts to gently run her hands through my hair.

“Have I ever told you how thankful I am to have you, my dearest darling?” Mama whispers. I barely shake my head. “Well, you’re a miracle. I was told that I was never going to have another baby after Talon was born.”

I gasp quietly, sniffling in her chest. “It’s true.” She says. She grabs my face so that I can see the sincerity in her eyes. “His birth was so hard on me. We nearly died.”

Shudders wrack through her body. “There was so much blood! The doctor was so sure that I would never have another and I cried for days.”

I feel liquid drip onto my shirt. I look up and realize that Mama has a steady stream of tears running down her face. I reach up and wipe away the tears.

Mama grabs my hands, gently. “Your father was so patient and kind. He took great care of me even when I tried to push him away.”

I look up at her, shocked. I could never imagine my mom trying to push him away. They had the type of relationship that I want to have with my husband, even though sometimes it would make me gag.

“Why?” I ask. “Why did you push him away?”

She looks down at me with sadness in her eyes. “Why did I try to push him away?” She holds me tighter to her. “I thought that he deserved someone better. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn’t look at your brother.”

Mama pauses a minute. I didn’t think that she was going to elaborate. When she takes a deep breath, I feel her glance to the door and sigh.

“I was a horrible mother after he was born. I didn’t think that I deserved either one of them. I didn’t take care of myself, or your brother, and we almost died because of it.” She answers in a barely audible whisper.

She lets out a loud sob and I hold her tighter. I think that maybe it’s time for me to stop her from continuing. I open my mouth to say so but she shakes her head and continues.

“On top of that, I couldn’t provide him with another child. He loved babies so much.” She pauses for a few more moments. “He didn’t give up on me though. Slowly, he started convincing me that I was worth it. Through his kindness and love, I began to heal. I became the mother, and wife, that you see today.” She finishes.

“So, how did I become?”

She chuckles. “Are you ready for the talk of life now?” She teases, attempting to lighten the mood.

I shudder. “Uh, no, Mama. You know I already know that stuff.”

She giggles lightly and answers my question. “The simple answer is we don’t know. We prayed so, when we found out I was pregnant with you, we figured that it was the gods answering our prayers. Hence why you are our miracle.”

I cuddle closer to Mama and she kisses the top of my head. “I’m glad that you are my mother. You and dad are the..” I pause as soon as I realize what I was about to say.

“It’s okay, baby. It’s hard for me too.” Mama says as she pulls the blankets up around us.

She wraps us up tightly and, listening to each other breathe, we fall into a peaceful sleep.

I wake up to sunshine in my face. Talon is standing in my room with a frown. When I look at him closer, I can see the dark circles and red puffiness of his eyes. I don’t think that he got any sleep last night.

I stand up and wrap him up into a tight hug, guessing that he needs it. He’s stiff for a second before he finally relaxes into me. I can feel his legs weaken and do my best to keep him from falling to the floor. I let him cry, in my arms, until he has no more tears.

“I don’t think I’m ready for this responsibility, Rae. I don’t know what to do.” He whines.

I wish that I can say that everything would be okay, but I can’t so I keep my mouth shut.

There’s a soft knock at the door and Talon releases me. He turns towards my window to wipe the dried tears from his face just as Mama enters the room.

“Hey, guys, I made some breakfast. Come and eat.”

“I’m not hungry, Mama.” I tell her softly.

“I know, honey, but I need you to try okay?” She tells me.

She wraps both of us in a hug. We embrace her tightly.

“Yes, Mama.” I agree.

Talon and I follow behind her. She has really outdone herself. She made eggs, bacon, pancakes, sausage biscuits, and potatoes.

They’re my dad’s favorite. My breath hitches, but when I glance at Mama, she looks guilty.

“Mama, this looks absolutely delicious!” Katy exclaims.

“Thank you, Kat.” She says, as she blushes.

Talon grabs Katy into a hug and she gives him a gentle kiss on the cheek. I blush and look away at the love that shines through their eyes. I want a love like that.

Just as I start to sit down, a giant shiver wracks my body. Something feels wrong, again. I look around but I don’t see anything out of place. It must just be my dream that I had last night.

A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. Mama gets up to answer it, telling Talon and I to eat.

“Good morning, Toby and Erin. What brings you two here?” I hear her ask.

“We came to check on Rae. How is she doing?” Toby asks.

My heart flutters and I nearly jump out of my chair. It startles Katy and I apologize while blushing. I walk over to the door and I can’t help but feel a little nervous. When he sees me, his eyes light up and he blushes.

My heart rate spikes and my face heats up even hotter. I look over at Erica and she’s frowning. She glances between her brother and me unhappily. I’m not sure what she’s thinking but I get the feeling that she isn’t happy with me for some reason.

“Erin? Is something wrong, dear?” Mama asks.

“Oh, no, nothing.” She looks at me. “Do you want to come out with us?”

“I really can’t. I have to help with the horses today.” I tell her. I’m not really ready to hang out, yet.

Toby looks disappointed for a split second. “That’s okay. Can we help?” He asks. Erin snaps her head in his direction. “I mean, we have nothing else better to do.” He shrugs.

I glance over at Talon and he nods. “Sure. Let’s go.”

As soon as we exit, Erin pulls me over to the side. Toby gives her a weird look and she shoots him a hard look. As soon as we are out of reach, she turns us around so no one can read our faces.

She scowls at me and I’m trying to figure out what I did wrong. “What is going on between you and my brother?” She asks.

“What?” I ask confused.

“What. is. Going. On. With. You. And. my. Brother?” She asks again.

The way that she is speaking to me, irritates me. “Nothing, we’re just friends like me and you.” I snap at her.

She eyes me suspiciously. “Are you telling me the truth?”

“Yes. Why would I keep anything like that from you? Why do you think there is something?” I ask, annoyed.

“He’s always asking about you. He barely takes his eyes off of you. He offered to help with your chores? He hates doing chores.” She lists things about her brother.

I glance at him. She’s right, he does seem to be looking at us. My heart rate accelerates again. I give him a small smile and he smiles back.

“See?”

I turn back around. “Huh?”

She rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Let’s go.”

“Okay.” I say drawing out the word.

That was the strangest conversation, ever. Friends smile at each other, help each other, and ask about each other don’t they?

“Hey. Everything okay?” Toby asks his sister. She just rolls her eyes.

“Come on. Let’s get this day over with,” I say.

Talon and Katy join us. Toby and I work together, flawlessly, to train a new horse that we had just caught. It’s the last one that daddy is ever going to get, and a fresh set of tears roll down my face.

I try to keep Toby from noticing by always being on the opposite side of the horse. When he glances at me, I pretend to notice something over off to the side.

“Hey.” Toby says. I hadn’t realized that he moved beside me. I jump slightly. “What’s wrong, baby girl?”

I melt at the nickname, but I don’t turn around. “Nothing, Toby.” I say, in a light whisper. I’m trying to conceal my voice.

“You can’t lie to me. I know something’s wrong. I can feel it.” He says.

I scrunch my brows in confusion. “You feel like something is wrong in general?” I ask, thinking maybe he’s been getting the same feelings as me.

“No, with you.” He whispers, though he sounds confused as well.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I lie.

He lightly grabs a hold of my shoulders. “We’re friends, Rae. Why won’t you tell me?”

I glance at him and see that he’s serious. I fall into his shoulder as he wraps his arms around me. “But, you’re 19 Toby. Don’t you feel weird helping me?”

“No. You may be 15 but you are the brightest, kindest, and best girl besides my sister that I know. It hurts to see you hurting.” He admitts.

“It’s just that,” I look over at the horse and then look back. “This horse is the last one that my dad will ever catch. Tomorrow, we will watch him burn on the pyre.”

The sobs come out harder and he holds me tighter. “He won’t even get to see how well trained this one becomes. It’s meant to be the dukes.” I say as I lose control of my emotions.

He remains silent until all of my tears are spent.