Chapter 8 - Fixing Myself

My weekend was just so confusing. Olivia made it even worse with that text she sent me and then I had to actually dig deeper on my side and think about what I was doing with Zaynab.

I mean I liked her.. I think I liked her... Wait no. I liked the attention she was giving and the sex. It made me forget about everything and live a little.. But mostly it stupidly made me think about Olivia a lot...which was the confusing and weird part.

I didn't call Zaynab, which made me feel like an ass even more but I was confused and trying to figure out what was happening. I mean the way Olivia looked when she was talking about Zaynab didn't sit well with me, it quickly made me want to cut off Zaynab from my life and whatever we were doing. I didn't want to see the facial expression I saw on Olivia again. I didn't want to make her sad or something. That just didn't sit well with me.

On Sunday I spent the day away from my phone and just thinking about tomorrow and what I was going to say to Zaynab and Thalia... I mean the other girl was so invested in what I shared with Zaynab, she also deserved an explanation if I was going to put an end in it.

Monday morning started like any other Monday. I took my laptop and headed to work making sure I look good coz I felt like shit for what I had planned on doing.

The office was quiet as usual in the morning. So I easily fell right into my routine and also edited our assignment with my group. I was trying by all means to do something that was going to keep my thoughts off what needed to happen soon. I couldn't think about it coz it made me feel shitty.

I was startled by a knock on my desk. I quickly lifted my head up and saw Zaynab sitting at the corner of it looking at me intensively.

"Zaynab... I didn't see you there."

"tell me about it. You literally jumped. Why are you so jumpy?"

I snorted and shook myy head, 'I'm not jumpy. I just didn't expect anyone here.

She seemed amused by my response, so she stared a little bit for a few more seconds and I sighed, "what?"

"so you disappeared for the whole weekend after canceling on me and leaving me hanging.. Then you ignore my texts and calls, now you don't even think that someone would come here today?"

"Zaynab... It's not that deep. I just didn't expect anyone here right now because we all have work and a group project to work on." I said and she laughed and lifted her hands up, "oh my fucking God...!! Woooow. Okay apologies her majesty. I didn't know we were supposed to be working even during lunch time."

My eyes quickly ran to my wristwatch as I checked the time. God! it was 1 already...?

Then I noticed Zaynab walking backwards away from me. I got up and sighed," Zaynab..."

" what?"

" I didn't know it was lunch... I'm sorry.. And I'm also sorry about this weekend. I just..." I couldn't go on from there. I had no idea what to say.

She stood there and folded her arms, showing me that she has time to listen to whatever I wanted to say.

Fuck!

I looked around us and then back at her, "can we go somewhere private."

She smiled," Ahhh fuck I had a feeling this was about to happen."

"please Zaynab."

She shook her head, "no..."

I furrowed my brows at her shocked that she point blank said no. What the fuck?

"Zaynab please."

"nope... Sorry not sorry. Umh... But I get it, whatever was happening is done yeah...? we are over?"

God why was she doing this? I couldn't say no or yes also, so I just looked at her and she smiled, "cool then, we didn't even need to go somewhere private for that... See you around." and just like she left.

I cursed a million times in my head and went back to my desk then buried myself in work. Great! Today went great!

.

Later I was startled by Thalia," you going to sleep here?"

I checked my wteatach and it was 5. Woow! Time was really flying today.

"umh..." I had no idea what to say to the girl in front of me, but to my luck her eyes went straight to my computer and she smiled so hard, "oh my God is this ours?"

I smiled and looked back at the screen at the advert I was working on, "yeah it is. I was working on a few ideas. I'll show you guys tomorrow.."

"it's not even playing but I can tell I'm gonna love this clip. Okay you are forgiven for ignoring me all day if you were really concentrating on this."

I started packing my things and got up then took her hand, "dude... I don't know what's going on with me."

"how do you mean?"

"I feel a little out of it.."

"sleep over?" she asked and because her place was close by and I probably had my clothes there I nodded my head, "why not."

We got a taxi and it took us straight there. I didn't know how I was going to go about this. Because I didn't know what was wrong with me.

"are you good?" Thalia asked and I shrugged, "I guess I am. I mean I don't know."

"what happened?"

I wondered if I should tell her the truth... I mean Thalia loved gossip but she also kept it to herself or said it to me. So if I was honest to her about something she would not talk about it to someone else.

"I think Zaynab and I are done." I said in almost a whisper and she gasped in shock, "wait... What?"

It went quiet for a few seconds until the car came to a stop. She paid the taxi and we both got out.

She took my hand and lead me to her room in the flats.

"what happened between you two? On Friday you left together... Right?"

I felt really bad when I thought about having to explain everything because it was my fault.

She unlocked the door and we got in.

"yeah... We left together on Friday.. But I didn't even make it to her flat. I got a call from someone at home."

"and? Is everything okay at home?"

We took off out shoes and went straight to her bedroom. When she joined me, she had ice cream and wine in her hand.

I furrowed my brows at her, "when on earth did you get that?"

"when I was locking the door I thought we might need it. So keep talking. You got a call?"

"that call made me realize that whatever I was having with Zaynab was literally me trying to forget someone and just about sex. I mean Zaynab is amazing and beautiful but she is almost the spitting image of this person and I am so confused right now because I'm not even dating this person, but how heart broken she sounded when she found out about Zaynab and I broke me. I don't wanna hurt her."

" you're speaking in Codes. Can't understand anything you're saying right now."

I sighed and thought about how to put this without admitting what I don't want to admit because then it would be real.

" I have a friend back home. She and I call every week, she has always had my back from the first time she saw me. She was there for me when I had the worst breakup and she helped me to be strong. So she's been really amazing. She found out about Zaynab from my best friend and that hurt her. I don't wanna hurt her. So I ignored Zaynab the whole weekend and when I asked to talk to her today she said she understood that what we have is over then left me there."

After finally saying that I took a breath and looked at Thalia, she slowly pulled out the ice cream spoon in her mouth and furrowed her brows at me," I am not your best friend?"

Oh my God I should have known that was the only thing she'd hear. Really?

"Thalia?"

She laughed, "okay sorry. You're just so serious. So what. You and this person who called have a crush on each other?"

"we don't.. I mean we can't okay! We can't have a crush on each other at all. It's just a no, " I said that more to myself while shaking my head.

"why? Are you guys related to each other?"

"what? Thalia no?"

"then why can't you have a crush on each other?"

Because she is Tawny's best friend. I mean I knew that Tawny and I were literally never going to happen because she doesn't care about me and she made it clear, but I'd still feel guilty if I was to be with someone that close to her. I talked with myself in my head.

I was startled when I felt a knudge, "what are you thinking?"

"that this is complicated okay. A lot is happening and a lot of people could get hurt."

She furrowed her brows at me in confusion and I was so happy when my phone started ringing. Saved by the ring of a phone.

I took it and put it on my phone, "hello."

Nothing.

I looked at the screen and noticed who called. My heart skipped a bit as I put my phone back in my ear, "Olivia...?"

"_hey_." she said in almost a whisper.

"hey. Are you okay?"

"_are you?_"

I looked at Thalia and sighed, "I don't know how I am right now. Maybe confused."

"_me too_."

We kept quiet, probably not knowing what to say to each other. I had no idea what to say. But I opted to being truthful.

"Olivia I don't wanna hurt you or do something that's going to hurt your feelings."

She laughed a little bit, "_I'm a big girl Amora. I can take care of myself. Don't worry about me._"

I sighed, "but I care about you. Hurting you would be hurting me."

We kept quiet again and she sighed, "_Same... I care about you too and yeah I kinda got bummed about you and Zaynab but it's okay. I had no right to be._"

"it's okay... I mean I was just rebelling I guess. So I stopped it."

I heard her sigh a bit, "_you shouldn't have done that honestly. I mean_.."

I cleared my throat cutting her sentence short, "it's honestly nothing. Like I said, I don't want to make you feel weird or something. I care about you."

I heard her giggle, "_yeah... I also wouldn't want to make you feel anyhow coz I care about you too._"

We both kept quiet for a bit and I had no idea what to say.

After a few seconds she spoke, "_I was checking up on you. Let me go back to my patients before I say something stupid now_."

I laughed, "you could never say something stupid Olivia. Sleep well okay."

"you too Amy.."

"Amy?" I said at my new name and she laughed, "shut up that's your new name."

I couldn't help but smile even though she couldn't see me, "I love it.. Bye.."

"bye..."

Thalia cleared her throat startling me a bit and I sighed, "dude what the fuck... You have been here all along?"

"who is Olivia?"