During the drive, I looked out the window and tried to ignore the stinging on my nose from the piercing. I had already sent a message to my mom about it like promised and I’ve been waiting after sending one to Elliot, but there hasn’t been a reply. Maybe after some time, he wanted distance from me and could be trying to ignore me. It was a mistake. This is my fault for thinking that it was okay to go out for a few drinks and it’s the same as when I messed up the night I jumped into the pool in high school. I’ve thrown myself into another situation and caused damage to others because I wanted to be selfish. “Michael?” I turned to Lucas when he said my name and realized that we were parked in front of my house, “Sorry.” I mumbled as I unbuckled my seat belt and opened the door. “Thanks for having me come along with you.” “Michael, wait,” Lucas said quickly, reaching out to grab my arm. “Can we talk before you go?” Slowly closing the door, I knew what he wanted to talk about and prom
I had fallen asleep early that day and Elliot never responded until late in the evening, explaining that he was called into work which was why he couldn’t respond. I wasn’t too sure what to think about his message when I woke up the next day and spent the rest of my day in my room studying. I took this chance to look over the assignments I’ve worked on for the semester and look over all the tests to review the wrong answer. Mom was surprised when she saw my piercing and didn’t think much of it nor did I tell her about what happened over the weekend. I thought over the conversation I had with Lucas and I know he meant well when he said that the group would understand when I decided to open up to them, but it’s always a story that I hesitate to share.I put my pen down when I heard my cell phone ringing, and I read Elliot’s name, “Hello?” I answered.“Are you busy?” He asked.“No, I’m studying.” There was an awkward silence between us after I answered and I can tell that Elliot had some
Early Monday morning, I made it to campus to meet with my counselor and I was so nervous waiting outside the office. I looked at my phone to see a text that Luis was already on campus and we agreed to meet at the library later in the day to study. It took five minutes until they called my name and I made my way to the room to discuss my plans for next semester. I finally registered for my major in modern arts, in the photography department, and we were able to create a set schedule. There were so many courses that I wasn’t too sure which to take: digital imaging, portrait photography, documentary photography, etc. I made it simple with beginning photography and an introduction to color photography so I wouldn’t be overwhelmed when I return for the fall semester. I was a bit curious when asked if I wanted to sign up for digital film, but I don’t think I want to jump into a subject that I’m barely learning. After we finished with the paperwork, I let out a heavy sigh once I was alone o
I waited for a minute or two before heading back inside the library and returned to the table where Lucas was waiting. Seeing Luis's reaction, I didn’t realize how much my action has truly affected everyone around me and I never thought there would be a sense of danger to it. Or maybe I’ve been too preoccupied with all that’s been going on that I’m letting myself become careless. I’m not trying to charge myself. I'm not trying to pretend to be someone I’m not or being someone when I’m around them.“Is everything okay?” Lucas asked me.I sighed and shrugged my shoulders as I gather my belongings. “I’m not sure.”“It seemed serious,” He commented.I grabbed the strap of my backpack and put it over my shoulder, “Um, I’m going to skip out for today and go home.”“Are you sure?” He asked.“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow or later this week,” I answered and turned to leave the building. I still had one more class before I could go home and stood in the hall waiting for the professor to allow
I waited for a minute or two before heading back inside the library and returned to the table where Lucas was waiting. Seeing Luis's reaction, I didn’t realize how much my action has truly affected everyone around me and I never thought there would be a sense of danger to it. Or maybe I’ve been too preoccupied with all that’s been going on that I’m letting myself become careless. I’m not trying to charge myself. I'm not trying to pretend to be someone I’m not or being someone when I’m around them.“Is everything okay?” Lucas asked me.I sighed and shrugged my shoulders as I gather my belongings. “I’m not sure.”“It seemed serious,” He commented.I grabbed the strap of my backpack and put it over my shoulder, “Um, I’m going to skip out for today and go home.”“Are you sure?” He asked.“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow or later this week,” I answered and turned to leave the building. I still had one more class before I could go home and stood in the hall waiting for the professor to allow
Sunday arrived and I was sitting on the bus making my way towards the beach that I usually go to with Elliot. I don’t think I’ve spent my time there without him, but that was the location Lucas gave me and I wanted to get there early before he met me. Yesterday I went to the store with my mom and she was excited when I asked her to help me buy a camera that I can practice with. I’m not too sure if I spent too much or too little, but I do like the one I bought and the features were a lot better compared to the one Andre borrowed from the art department. It’s a nice red digital camera and it’s so easy for me to carry around. I got off the bus and walked around the crowd trying to make my way over to the beach. It was just around the corner when I saw the ocean and it was refreshing feeling the cool breeze. I watched the waves before raising the camera to take pictures trying to take a good picture of the ocean with the pier in the background and took another of the other side of the be
We spent the rest of our time continuing our conversation while enjoying our meal and stayed a little longer after we were done. Lucas told me more about his tattoos and I tried to enjoy the rest of our night. We soon left the cafe, exploring the main street like before, and we entered a small used bookstore, trying to find a new place to explore. I ran my fingers over the books, feeling the bindings, and watched Lucas going over a few mystery novels. I tried to push back the memories of the time I came here with Elliot and inhaled sharply as I walked over to Lucas. I didn’t want to spend my time thinking about Elliot when we hadn’t had a chance to talk and work things out together.“You like to read?” I asked him; that question gave me dejavu.“If the book is good. Mystery novels are my favorite and sometimes a bit of science fiction to make it more fun,” He tells me, putting the book back. “But these are the same ones that they had last week. I don’t think there's much to pick out.
It's finally the end of the week and today is my last exam, but all I want to do is go home to lay down in my bed and sleep. I haven’t been sleeping well, but it wasn’t so much that I felt like I needed to do a bit of extra studying to ensure that I passed my class and not worry about my final grade. Luis was able to meet with me after our argument, but we never talked about the drinking situation and there was a bit of awkwardness between us. I wanted to talk more with him but he would change the subject or he decide to leave. Maybe I’ll wait until we’re on summer vacation and I’ll find a day to meet with Luis. I was at the library with Lucas, looking over my notes, when my phone started ringing and put my pen down to pick up my phone.I was surprised to see Lily’s name on the screen and answered immediately, “Hello?”“Michael? Sorry, are you busy?” She asked.“No, no. I’m just studying. Is everything okay?” I asked and I could see Lucas looking over curiously.“Are you busy Saturday
We spent some time holding onto each other until it started to feel cold now that the sun was going down and the wind got a little stronger. I put on my shoes and then helped Elliot clean the blanket before making our way to the car. Elliot was asking what I would be interested in eating, maybe trying to help me be in the mood to have something filling, but I wasn’t too sure how much I could intake. I agreed with something as simple as pizza and we took it home, where my mom was waiting for us. There was this awkward silence around the table; I felt like Elliot wanted to talk with my mom and report about our day, always privately counseling her. I was barely able to finish two slices before putting my plate in the sink and I gave them their time as I excused myself to change my clothes. I washed my feet since it was dirty from stepping on the wet sand and when I came back to my room, Elliot was lying down on my bed. I didn't say anything as I grabbed a new pair of socks and moved to
“Michael?” Elliot asked, wanting me to reply to his statement.“I’m listening,” I whispered, turning to look at him and thinking more about his words.“I don’t want you to be upset with yourself or to have any guilty conscience. It was just… I’m trying to inform you that this is also substance abuse or could even lead to it and you’ve used both alcohol and drugs in the past. This is aside from the fact that your friends pressured you to drink, if they continue with this, then you will blindly harm yourself in the long run. I’m actually surprised that you didn’t have that thought and it’s concerning.” Elliot tells me and it felt me speechless.I looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was beginning to set. “Can we not talk about this anymore?” I asked him.“I’m only telling you from the way I view it and I care about you. I don’t know how much you’ve explained to Doctor Brown about the situation, but with your reaction, it seemed like this is something that you haven’t made yourself a
We both didn’t say anything as Elliot kept his focus on the road and I kept my eyes out the window seeing the view change. I always enjoy seeing the beach view and maybe being out would be a nice breather like he suggested. It took a bit of time for Elliot to find parking and we made our way over to an area that was less crowded. Now that we’re near summer, it was a nice day to be at the beach and it wasn’t so hot that I had to take off my sweater. As always, Elliot took out a blanket from the trunk of his car like he’s always prepared and we laid it out after we found a nice spot away from the pier. It felt like we were the only people on the beach, giving me this secure feeling.“Are you sure that you’re not hungry?” Elliot asked after noticing the time. “I’ll eat after we are done here,” I said while looking over the ocean view and seeing the water shining from the sunlight.“But you like to stay here for hours,” Elliot retorts and tilts his head to look at me closer.I shrugged m
I sat up suddenly and felt my hands shaking, knowing I’d woken up from another nightmare. Why was this one real compared to the other one I had? Why did I remember something from the past that I was able to forget? No, I’m going to forget about it again like it never happened. I don’t want more memories from the past to resurface and affect me like before. It took me a moment to remember that I was in my bedroom and I reached a hand out to the spot beside me. I didn’t feel Elliot's hand and looked over to see his side of the bed empty. I tried to stay calm as I looked around my room trying to figure out if he had left while I was sleeping, but that wouldn’t be something that Elliot would do. “Elliot?” I called out in a small voice. Did he go home? No, he said that he was going to stay for a while and wasn’t going to leave without telling me. I tried not to feel overwhelmed as I pulled the covers off and checked the restroom, hoping he was in there. I stepped out to the hallway, hear
For a second, I wondered if we shouldn’t be holding each other like this, but does this mean that he still cares for me, or is he only being kind? If we had been like this before I fell asleep, I might not have had that dream. The thought about the dream had me shivering as I recall Chris’s face and I moved a bit away from Elliot, but he still had me in his arms. He must have noticed my discomfort and I felt his hands patting my back, trying to comfort me. I’m starting to feel a bit of pain in the pit of my stomach and I know it’s all the stress from having the panic attacks to the night terror. “I’m tired,” I mumbled as I closed my eyes, feeling exhausted again. “You’re going to be tired the whole day if you don’t rest,” Elliot replied. “I know… I’m already getting a stomach ache,” I said, then sighed, feeling a little pain. “And I was feeling that earlier at my dad’s house.” “Do you need some medicine?” He asked me. “I think so,” I said, sitting up. “Stay here. I’ll get it for
I closed my eyes, trying to get comfortable, and it felt easier to fall asleep with Elliot beside me. At least I know he is here supportively and he chose to stay the night because he wanted to; not just to watch over me out of spite. Even if he was here to comfort me and nothing more, I’m thankful he let me lean on him, even if it’s only for tonight. I opened my eyes, wanting a little peek, and he looked like he was already sound asleep; maybe he was already tired before coming to pick me up. There was something I wanted to ask him about our relationship, but I was also afraid to hear the answer, or I was only hoping for an answer that I wanted to hear. I turned over, away from him, and closed my eyes, knowing I was only trying to distract myself from sleeping. For a while, I could hear the soft breathing coming from Elliot, and hearing him was a nice reminder that I wasn’t alone. A sudden flashing light disturbed me and I raised a hand trying to block it; maybe I left the blinds op
Chapter 17When we entered the house, I went to the kitchen and decided I needed my anxiety pill. “Do you want something to drink?” I asked him.“Water is fine,” He answered.I grabbed two bottles of water and handed them to him as we moved to sit on the couch. “You really don’t mind staying?” I asked him.Elliot took the bottle of water and had a small sip, “I don’t mind.”I moved to lean against the armrest and face him as we sat on the long couch. “Before I called you, I was in the guest room trying to relax but I was going through both panic attacks and anxiety,” I told him while looking down at the bottle of water. “All those feelings came to me that I began to doubt myself... Every time I see Chris, alarm bells go off in my head and my body yells that I need to leave. Runaway, hide, or find a way to disappear.”Elliot reached out to hold my wrist and the touch grabbed my attention, “And now your home, far away from him. Remember that he’s not going to hurt you here.”“Come on, E
I looked into the living room, and I saw Ally on the ground playing with her toys while Caesar sat beside her, looking down at his phone. “When did she wake up?” I asked.He looked up and put his phone away, “About ten minutes ago… You look worse.”I moved to sit on the floor with them and Ally crawled over to me. “I called Elliot and he’s going to come by,” I told him and put Ally on my lap with her stuffed bear. “Is it okay if you wait until he gets here?”“Yeah,” He nodded as he reached into his pocket and handed me a paper. “They want you to call this number and you can tell them what happened. It’s Chris’s probation officer and they said that he will get a fine after breaking his restraining order.”I looked down at the paper, “A fine? That’s it?” I asked him.“Since he didn’t do anything, there isn’t much they can do besides that, and if he had done something, they could have him in jail for over six months,” Caesar said, leaning back to rest against the couch.“But that sounds
It was quiet on the walk back to my house and Caesar laid Ally down on her crib after I showed him the way to the bedroom. I was able to calm down a bit, but my hands were still shakey and I knew that this anxious feeling wouldn’t go away. I watched as Caesar closed the door behind him and rubbed my arm nervously, taking the lead back downstairs. I led him to the kitchen to grab a cup of water and took a small sip while Caesar stood behind me, leaning against the counter. It's my fault for being careless and going out when I’ve already been warned that he’s back in town. What would have happened if I was alone or if Caesar didn’t show up at the right time?“Thanks for helping me,” I whispered.“Well, it wasn’t like he could do much without having to put himself in jail and I’m not sure how you would have been if he stayed longer.” He said and looked me over like he was being cautious with his words. “You should be careful having these panic attacks while holding your sister… It looked