ChrisannaTwo times done. Both times it was negative, which clearly means I'm not pregnant. But I still did the third test.Holding the last pregnancy test in my trembling hand, I fixate my eyes on it, watching the lines slowly appear. My heart pounds with both anticipation and a tinge of anxiety. This wasn't planned. I didn't want this, but a part of me quietly hoped it was positive. The lines move further, showing me another negative result. Disappointment washes over me. There's a relief too. It's a strange feeling how anxious I was, fearing it would be positive, yet got disappointed when it was negative. It's not the right time and it's fine. I let out a sigh, staring at the mirror of the washroom and take my phone to text Mama."Sigh! It's negative""You okay, Chrissie?" her response comes."Yeah. I didn't want that either", I type."Still, I know you were hoping it would be positive", she knows me so well."It's fine, mama. God has his plans""Auburn, you ready?" Samuel calls
SamuelAs we walk into the bedroom, Chrisanna looks around, scanning each detail with astonishment in her eyes and a beautiful smile lingering on her face. I stand a few steps near the door, cross-armed, watching her experience everything. I made sure she likes everything about this room, about the entire house. She touches the walls, tracing while walking to the bed, and slumps on her back, looking at the ceiling and spreading her arms on the bed. I can't help smiling at how much happy she looks. It's rare.It's too rare when the reason behind her happiness is me. I move closer to the bed until my face is blocking the ceiling from her sight. She laughs quietly as she sees me, folding her hands on her stomach. "You're watching me explore like a little girl, huh?" she scoffs.I nod."Why, though?""Because I don't wanna look away when I see you smile", I tell her and lean down, touching her chin. Our lips connect as I softly kiss her for a split second. Her eyes part open at me an
Samuel"Samuel!" Mom exclaims as we stand face to face in the police bureau. She looks miserable, all in tears. My heart literally stops when I imagine something worse. Did they get to know something about Chrisanna? Is it bad? But when I spot Uncle Scott patiently talking to one of the officers, I realize they know nothing about Chrisanna yet. He knows nothing. He wouldn't be this patient and calm. "What are you doing here?" she asks, sniffing. At this point, I'm lost. I can't find the guts to utter what exactly happened when Uncle Scott also looks at me, surprised. How am I gonna tell him that his daughter was abducted and I was there? I could do nothing! "You and Chrisanna went to see the new house, no? How did—" She pauses and holds my arms. "Did you— get to know something about Kane?"I gawk at her in confusion. "Mr. Gabriel?"Mom clears her throat. I can see the nervousness in her eyes when she tries to look composed. "I think he's in danger", her voice cracks. "I was talki
SamuelWith every passing second, anticipation grew inside me even though I didn't want to panic. I refuse to believe Chrisanna has an enemy— this serious— who would abduct her. "Samuel, where will you go to find them?" Mom scoffs. She's clearly exhausted and worried— the way she doesn't react properly now is a sign that she's tired. "Let the police do their job. There's nothing we can do", she holds my hand as we stand out of the manor.I was about to leave right after dropping her off. But at the same time, I'm really worried for her. "I don't think I can sit peacefully, mom. And—""Emily!" Uncle Scott's voice draws our attention as we look in the direction of the parking lot.Uncle Scott shuts the door and surges to mom right away."Recently, did you and Kane get into a conflict with anyone?" he asks straight. Mom gets baffled for a while as she tries to recall. "It's nothing new. We have been dealing with Davis for two whole years. Kane definitely had a spat with him last week.
ChrisannaMama is still losing her mind as she asks me a million times if I'm hurt somewhere and if I should get a check-up. I reject the idea since I'm completely fine, other than my strong headache which must be the effect of the drugs that they used to keep me unconscious. Uncle Kane is out of danger now but it took the doctors almost three hours to give the verdict. It was a dark moment until the doctors said he was fine and the pacemaker didn't need to be replaced."Samuel!" mama says, looking over my shoulder as I look up and find him walking towards us. "What's the update?""Mr Gabriel just came back to his senses. Mom is inside", he says.Mama lets out a sigh of relief. "Let me go and meet him", she gets up. "And I can't convince this young lady to get a check-up. I'm sure you can", mama taps on his shoulder before leaving. Damn, mama!Samuel quietly sits beside me and sighs, stretching his legs and leaning his head against the wall. His eyes close shut. He hasn't breathed o
ChrisannaSamuel lets out a deep exhale, holding the steering wheel, and then looks at me. I give him a smile of encouragement. We had a long conversation throughout the week, preparing him to finally meet the therapist. But I don't think he's still that comfortable to start this new journey. I hold his hand on his lap. "You'll be fine""I don't know", he gulps down, holding my hand back and looking down at our locked hands. "I have never opened up to anyone other than you. I don't think I can""You can. And you will", I lean in, touching his cheek. "You have already accomplished half of this journey when you showed the courage to go for this. The next step will be easier. You'll surely open up because that's what therapy is for, right? That person you'll be opening up to won't be someone you know. And it's easy to open up to a complete stranger. That person won't judge you or sympathize with you. They'll just help you. And it's easy'I can totally understand the discomfort when he l
ChrisannaHe turns to me with barely any reaction on his face. "I didn't", he says."Don't lie, please", my voice shakes."I didn't", he lowers his eyes, folding his shirt before tossing it in the laundry basket at the corner of the room. "I went to meet him. But then you said you wanted to go on a dinner""Why would you go to meet him?" I exclaim out of nowhere.His eyes immediately crash into mine, cold and numb as his jaw clenches. "How did you get to know?" he avoids eye contact, surging towards the closet."I saw the Uber message. I didn't mean to", I mutter. "I know that", he says. He doesn't begin to explain anything. Well, isn't it how he has always been? He just won't speak or explain anything. Sometimes I'm more pissed than I'm understanding."Will you tell me why you went to meet him?" I snarl."Because he's my father!" he shoots me a glare. "And you never told me I'm supposed to ask you before meeting him""I didn't say that", I exclaim as he looks away, aggressively t
Chrisanna"He didn't order anything from outside", Cooper tells me on the call."Okay", I mutter. "Thanks""Is everything alright? Well, I'm just surprised it took both of you months to get into a fight", he cackles."Shut the fuck up, Cooper. It's serious""Oops! Sorry. What do you want me to do now? Send him breakfast?" I snap right away. "Don't do or say anything. I'm hanging up""Okay"I cut the call and set the phone aside. I haven't gotten a single work done ever since I came to the office. And it's been ten whole minutes already. This morning, I fucked up.Yes, I fucked up in the worst way possible. And I can't find the words to explain myself. He never looked at me that way, with that gaze— like he trusted someone the most and his trust was broken. I feel guilty in every way possible even though I knew what I was doing. I was already feeling guilty for doing that behind his back but when I saw him staring at me that way the guilt multiplied.I was so stunned and numb that
Hello, everyone. This month has been a really bad one. After I posted the previous chapter almost 10 days ago, I was doing pretty well. None of my family members nor I have ever suffered from Dengue before which is why I had no idea that after the fever decreases abruptly there is a higher chance to have a very bad fever after a couple of days. I wasn't fully recovered. Had to get admitted in the hospital. I really tried my best to use my free time to write something but it was next to impossible. It's been two days since I have come back home and doing pretty well. But due to a gap in writing, I'm unable to get motivated to write the next chapter. Must be an absurd request but please let me know in the comments how many of you are still with me, waiting for the rest of the chapters, so I can have some boost in motivation and push myself to finally get back on track. Thanks in advance for all the good wishes. Hugs?
ChrisannaYou know what's the worst part of this phase? I know every bit of change happening in my body and my mind but people around me— who love me— are trying their best to hide those changes I may not see but feel. I snuggle into Samuel's arms after breaking the kiss and exhaling deeply as his grip tightens. I feel his heart racing, faster than ever.He thinks I didn't notice anything. But I did feel everything. I felt the sudden change in his voice which he tried to hide. I felt his hands suddenly moving more gently than ever as if he was scared to touch my hair, as if he feared the more he'll mess with them the more they'll come out. He thinks he can prevent them from falling anymore. Maybe. But he can't.I know everything. I feel everything.I feel him. He can't hide. He can't lie. "You're feeling well? We can cancel the date if you want to", he asks me, squeezing my shoulders gently. "No. I wanna go""You sure""Hmm", I lift my head and smile at him. *We spent the rest of
Samuel"I'm sure I was born only to meet her", I say, smiling down, midway through my speech— among the group settling in a circle during the weekly meeting. "Every good thing that happened in my life— all revolved around her. I just don't know how that's possible. I believe that I was born for her. Just to meet her and love her. There's no damn purpose in my life. There haven't been any"My breath hitches as I look around at all the smiling faces."Do I look better to you all? Like better than how I was when I came to the first meeting?" A tinge of anticipation stirs me up. "I just don't want to go back to the worst phase of my life anymore. And I'm so fearful that it would happen if I keep watching her struggling. It's very painful—" I struggle to speak.Strangely, it didn't happen ever since I started coming to the meetings and I always talked fluently.As I struggle to speak, my phone rings. Even though it's not allowed to carry phones while in the meeting, I'm allowed as I discus
ChrisannaIt's like a script they have all memorized. "Line dance", Uncle Colton says, getting up and walking towards the music player. "Darn. I hate it!" Eric snarls. "All dancing like soldiers""It's fun. We do it every time in family gatherings", Judson says, flickering a smile. "Seriously! Are you a 50-year-old in the body of a 17-year-old?" Eric grimaces, making Judson silent."Stop bullying him, Eric", Kylee shoots him a glare."Opposite attracts— shit is real", Charlotte laughs her lungs out, taking sips from her drink."Okay, you all", Uncle Colton turns the music on. "Get into a line"As everyone takes place for a line dance, Samuel helps me to get up."You don't need to match and move that much, okay? Just enjoy", he says. "Don't stress" I nod and notice a few people from the park have also joined. The environment seems to come alive with the rhythm of the dance as I weakly copied Charlotte's steps who is standing before me and briefly look at Samuel beside me. He has a
ChrisannaThe sun-kissed park provides a picturesque setting as the sprawling green meadow unfolds in front of me. Towering trees with long branches surrounding us leaves gently rustling in the soft breeze. The vibrant colours of blooming flowers dot the landscape.I inhale deeply, swallowing the canvas before my eyes. It all seems so new and mesmerising. I haven't inhaled fresh air for months. More than half of the last five months were spent within the four walls of the hospital and I also didn't wanna step out.I miss my old life so much. I look yards away, taking every inch of the view, watching kids playing around, families conversing and groups of friends laughing aloud."It's really hot over here", Samuel comes beside me, blocking the sun rays straight hitting my face as how tall he is. I look up at him and smile, finding Zoey curled around his neck. "I missed this heat""In that case, I think you had enough of it", he slides his hand behind my back and I keep smiling at Zoey
Chrisanna Stage III. As hard as it is to accept, this is the reality. It's been weeks since I've been back to the hospital. Again.And it sucks. I'm going through radiation therapy now. Even though my breasts were removed, cancer spread beyond that area to nearby lymph nodes surrounding tissues, chest walls, and skin.My skin burns, itches, and aches most of the time. I feel tired even pushing my eyelids and sometimes it's even harder to breathe. Although my stitches are gone, leaving those lifelong scars, the soreness and fatigue still wake me up every night. But now I have learned not to cry out. I have learned how to live with this discomfort and pain. Among everything, my life is just standing still. It seems like I'm stuck in a loophole where the world is running at a fast pace and I'm just standing there. I don't feel the same anymore. I'm not the same. The changes haunt me. I find it hard to accept myself. And every time I try to speak my heart out, I can't. They don't
SamuelChrisanna had to spend the next week in the hospital. As she preferred, Aunty Ivanna was there for her most of the time. I rarely got to spend time with her as the nurses and doctors had to check on her every half an hour. She might need a few weeks to recover from the surgery before the radiation therapy starts. According to the doctors, she'll need more than a year to get past all that and it depends on her recovery whether she'd need more therapy or not. However, I'm more concerned about the woman she's turning into— completely different from what she was. She barely speaks to me. She just stares at me whenever I am there as if she's talking to me through her eyes and I feel dumb and desperate when I can't bring myself to understand what she might want to say.I try to be there for her as much as I can but I wish I could do more. To ensure I'm in a better state of mind, I regularly attend my therapy sessions. Connor introduced me to a group and I have attended two meetings
ChrisannaNo amount of willpower, confidence, and support can prepare you for this— no matter how strong you try to be— it's never that easy. The day I was diagnosed with this disease again, I was so sure that I would overcome it— again. If a seven-year-old child can fight, then a twenty-five-year-old grown-ass woman can definitely fight and win. But little did I know that, it's not the same— and never that easy.The more I was sucked into this illness, the more I realized it's not the same. It's more painful than anything else. Either I lose something that defines my identity, or I lose myself. Either way, I have to lose. Spacing out of reality, I look down at my hands, clasping and unclasping them as my eyes dart to the wedding ring, glistening on my finger. My thoughts slip away from one direction to the other one as Samuel's face flashes in front of my eyes. I haven't seen him for two days— ever since I was admitted to the hospital for surgery. I met no one as I requested them
SamuelI wasn't honestly expecting something like that. There's barely any word I can form to speak when she stares straight into my eyes with a blank face. Her voice barely shakes and her gaze doesn't even flinch.This is not anything like Chrisanna. Chrisanna is all about expressing. She doesn't believe in being or looking emotionless— cold and rough. She should have been nervous, scared, or hurt while saying such a huge thing to me. At least— to me!I had seen changes in her behaviour lately but it's something painful to watch.She keeps staring at me, waiting for an answer when I was completely spaced out. I shrug, clearing my throat."Okay""It's awful", she doesn't blink— and her voice is ice cold. She should be flinching and groaning in frustration and maybe in anger. There's nothing!"It's not awful", I exclaim, immediately sliding my palm around her jaw. "It's a way to heal you""Yeah. Just throwing away a part of my body isn't awful", she groans, making me unsettled."No.