Chrisanna
Wait!I blink twice, take a deep breath and look up at him again. He's looking straight into my eyes, unconcerned, unaffected as if I'm a literal stranger he's talking to.
"What?"
"Break the damn alliance, Auburn!" he repeats with a fierce tone.
I hadn't been called by my middle name ever since he left because he used to be the one to call me Auburn. I try not to dive into my thoughts right now since I have to know what the hell is going on.
"Okay. I'm definitely not getting anything. You want me to break the alliance?" I ask again.
His jaw clenches as his thick eyebrows narrow as if he's done with repeating.
"Yeah. You have good hearing. I said it", says Samuel.
And what the hell!
"Okay. Then why did you agree in the first place?" I scoff.
He doesn't reply for a second. "I'm not here to take on a rivalry with you"
"Why do you want me to do that?" I exclaim.
"Simply because I don't wanna marry you", his voice is much harsher than before.
His abrupt confession has me iced on the spot for a while.
I part my lips to reply but he interrupts, "When are you doing it? I have a flight in a couple of hours"
Is he serious?
Until now, I was shocked, now I'm pissed.
He freaked me out right the moment we met again, behaving as if I'm the last person on this earth he would want to talk to. And he has this fucking audacity to give me orders.
I cross my arms and stare at him, gritting my teeth. "Why should I do that? I don't have a problem with this marriage. That's why I agreed. Since you have a problem with this marriage, why don't you just go and tell everyone?"
He's silently firing bullets through his fierce dark gaze. Nonetheless, I remain stern in my position.
"Let's not make things complicated, Auburn", even though his words come cold, when he utters my middle name it seems to be the least amount of harshness mixed into it.
"I'm definitely not making things complicated, Samuel. You are. You had the choice. You could have rejected the proposal. No one was forcing you", I seethe on his face.
This is insane. What's going on? Whatever it is, I just know that Samuel is being so freaking unreasonable and making things complicated. And he has that audacity to blame me.
He looks away, groaning out of frustration.
"Come on. It's not that hard. I'll call paa right now. Tell him", as I grunt, taking my phone out, he holds my hand.
"Stop", he husks and I look at his grip on my wrist. As I look at him again, he realizes it and immediately lets my hand go. "I can't. I can't call it off"
"Why?" I throw him a blank look.
"Because I can't say NO to Uncle Scott. You clearly know how much he means to me, how much I respect him and I can do anything for him. There's no way I'm turning him down like this", he seethes.
"That classic Samuel!" I grunt at him. "It's no different to me. I love my paa too. And I have never turned him down. I have always trusted his decision, unlike you who are trying to look obedient"
We have an eye-to-eye cold war.
"Listen, mom is also very happy. I have always unwillingly disappointed her. I can't do it anymore"
"I haven't disappointed Emmy either", I utter.
We're polar opposites with only one thread joining us.
We spend an awkward minute of silence as he keeps roaming around and I occasionally glance at him. The change in his face is visible yet he still has the baby face. Even though this marriage thing was awkward for me too, I wasn't expecting something so jumbled as this. I thought our meeting after ages will be normal at least, not much wholesome.
But he didn't even utter the basic words of meet and greet. What was he thinking when he landed here?
Samuel turns to me again with the same determined look.
"I'm not doing it, Samuel. It's not my decision. I can't take the blame and shame for your decision. I can't be the reason for our parent's sadness. You can't just appear out of the blue and order me to take the burden of your decision. I'm not accountable for it", I gasp under my breath, telling him about my last verdict.
His sharp glare meets mine.
"And also I don't have a problem with this marriage", I add.
"But I have. I don't wanna marry you", without any hesitation, he says.
I won't deny that it stings.
I gulp down. "You have a— girlfriend?"
"No. I never made one", he shrugs. Okay, then the rejection may not suck that much. Being rejected due to a person sucks the most.
"Then you have a problem with marriage?" I ask.
"No. With women!" he comes up with an utterly unexpected statement.
Being a little uncomfortable, I groan, "Have you been a misogynist lately?"
"I have a problem with the recent government. That doesn't make me a terrorist", he fires back with his twisted reply.
I roll my eyes as he looks at his wristwatch.
"You have come from Melbourne after eight years just to reject me? That's something!" out of sarcasm, I scoff.
"That's not funny. Only if I had any clue that you'd agree!" he steps closer to me and I take a step back. My heart starts beating ten times faster than before as his dark gaze keeps piercing my gaze.
Why would he think that I would reject the proposal?
"I can't understand why you can't just do it. Paa hasn't kept you at a gunpoint", the words hardly escape my mouth with the decreasing distance between us. "Why can't you just reject me?"
"Because you—" he leans a bit down towards my face thankfully. My neck would break if I kept looking up at him longer than this. I suck the air, my heart vibrating as he stares at me. "You can do that better than me"
Leaving me clueless and confused, he pushes himself back.
What!
I can do it better? Rejecting? When did I even reject someone?
I gawk at him in disbelief.
"You don't have much time, Chrisanna. You better do it. Because if this marriage takes place, I won't be responsible for the awful experience you may have in our sweet married life!" he grunts, walking past me.
"Are you threatening me?" I snarl, turning around and our eyes crash again.
"Yes. Because you're still the same. Stubborn", seething, he continues to walk to the door.
"And you're also the same. Still. Selfish", with my small yelp, he halts near the door but doesn't turn back.
That silence of nanoseconds sends jolts down my spine before he eventually walks away.
What the hell just happened?
*
"Met after such a long time. You guys hit it off?" Paa asks, dragging me out of my thoughts at the dinner table.
A forced smile curves on my face. "Um— not exactly. But it was good"
Paa smiles. "That's normal. You guys should meet a few more times before we fix the date"
My blood runs cold. They are all so serious and excited about the wedding. Why wouldn't they be? Samuel made it so damn complicated. He has been disappointing people ever since— not coming home on vacations, completely cutting off from the city, and not paying attention to anyone's requests. It wouldn't be a big deal for him but it's a big deal for me.
"I can't understand this boy sometimes. He came back after so long and went back to Melbourne the next hour?" Paa shrugs.
"He came on urgent notice. There must be a lot of work piled up", mama replies.
Samuel has been handling the only branch in Australia under our father's joint company for three years now. I still don't understand why he left playing soccer. He was doing so well and I would know about his achievements from Emmy. I thought he was going to make it big. However, he changed his profession right before he could be a big thing. This will always remain a mystery to me.
"I talked to him though", paa says, making me stop midway while chewing as I gawk at him. "He said he really liked talking to you after so long and he was really disappointed that he couldn't stay longer"
"Oh?" I raise my eyebrows. "What else did he say?"Paa frowns, trying to recollect. "That you vibes match"What a liar! What an image-freak! He's making it look like he's the happiest and he has no problem only making me the black sheep in the end.
I smile at them and wipe my face before getting up.
"I'm done!" I grab my leftover food. "I'm putting it into the fridge, mama"
"You and your dinner in instalments", mama shakes her head as I cackle.
"Chrissie, wait", paa halts me. "You have Samuel's number, right?"
I hesitantly shake my head.
"Really? You don't have his contact number? I don't know how you two became so distant from each other. You guys used to get along so well in high school", paa says, tapping on his phone as I find mama looking at me.
Right now, their every single gaze makes me anxious.
"I sent you his contact number. Talk to him", he says.
"Okay, paa"
*
I'm surging around my room. From here to there. I don't know what the hell I should do. This guy left me in complete chaos.
"Chrissie, how many rounds are left?" Eric asks.
"She's not having sex!" Kylee snarls.
"Shut up!" Eric groans.
"I'm kidding"
"I don't crack sex jokes with minors"
"I'll be eighteen in four months. Come on!"
"Then crack it after four months"
"Shut up, you guys!" I seethe, shooting a glare at both of them when they are occupying my bedroom like theirs.
Eric is lying cross-legged on my bed. Kylee is stealing my snacks.
My British shorthair cat Zoey is roaming cluelessly around me.
"I'm getting crazy over here and you two—" I grunt. Zoey hovers onto my feet, trying to climb up through my leg as I grab her and put her on the cat tower. "Be a good girl. I'm already worried"
She lets out a harsh meow at me.
"I don't understand what's wrong?" Kylee rolls her eyes.
"Everything with your brother. Like everything with him is wrong", I snarl.
They look at each other, confused.
"What does he think of himself? How can he just come to me, trap me with a time bomb and disappear again? I mean, he doesn't have any common sense left. Why should I handle all this alone when he's the one to have a problem with this marriage?" My breathing goes faster and I immediately sit on the couch, grabbing the bottle of infused water.
"Why doesn't he wanna marry you?" Kylee crosses her arms.
"Ask your brother"
"He's going to ask me not to poke my little nose in adult's things", she curls up her face. "Wait, did something wrong happen between you and Samuel
"What about you?" Eric asks me.
I let out a deep sigh. "I know this marriage is going to change my life for the better"
"Even when Samuel has threatened to make your life a mess?" he asks.
"Paa has decided this for me. I know it's going to be the best thing in my life. And if I talk about Samuel's threats, he has tough competition"
Eric gets up and thoughtfully looks at me. "I have seen both of you all my life. We grew up together at some point, Chrissie. And I can say that more than us, our families share a stronger bond. They really want it to happen"
"Exactly. Dad looks happy too", Kylee smiles. "Your wedding is gonna be a festival for all of them"
"It doesn't matter who calls the marriage off, everyone is going to be disappointed. So, if you wanna take an action, do it fast before it's too late"
I let out a sigh of disappointment.
Nothing is helping.
*After a busy day, I got home. It's six in the evening and I'm tired after doing an early morning pre-wedding photo shoot and the shift in the office.
When I enter the villa, all my exhaustion washes away, seeing paa, mama, Emmy and Samuel's dad Uncle Kane laughing and gossiping together. Eric's parents who are my aunt Irene and my paa's former bodyguard Colton Gartner are also there today.
Everything is perfect, except it's not.
"Chrisanna!" Aunt Irene immediately takes me into a deep embrace. "Congratulations. I'm so happy for you and Samuel"
"Thanks, Iri", I force a smile.
"We were waiting for you"
"For me?" I mutter.
"Yeah. We were discussing the wedding date", Emmy said.
God! Why does it seem so fast?
"Don't worry. We're just discussing. People fix wedding dates months earlier", Mama smiles. "We talked to Samuel about his part of the decision. He said 'As Chrisanna Wants' He wants you to decide everything"
What a jerk he has become over the years!
I wonder what he's trying to do. Is he taking an old revenge on me by damaging my image just because he holds that record of upsetting people?
For me, it's definitely not about the image. Why would I take responsibility anyway?
"Okay. We are thinking about fixing a date this June. There's plenty of time and you guys will be able to know each other as adults since you already spend the whole childhood and teenage together", Uncle Kane says.
No way! I can't take this silly burden on me for months. But I'm also not gonna let him get away from this.
"June?" I mutter.
"Yeah. What's wrong?" Mama asks.
"Actually, I don't have any days off day for the next 14 months", my words leave everyone shocked.
"14 months?" paa finally breaks the silence.
"Yes, paa. Actually, you know I'm thankfully one of the most demanding wedding photographers. There are people who wouldn't hire anyone but me. And there are plenty of bookings. One by one. Some are out of Texas. And some clients even pushed their wedding dates to get a slot. I can't reschedule them", I tell them.
Everyone becomes silent.
"But thankfully, I'm available for the next three days only", I tell them.
A wave of silence crashes again.
"I don't have a problem if the marriage takes place in three days"
Seems like I have exploded a bomb in front of them as I can feel with those stares.
"In three days? Are you sure?" mama speaks among all.
"Yes. Since Samuel has already put all the responsibilities on me, I have to do it according to my schedule", I smile.
Now, let's see how Samuel Vance continues with his act.
ChrisannaI left everyone discussing my decision and came back to my room to take a shower. I'm indeed a little nervous about the thing I have done only to teach Samuel a good lesson. What if it somehow goes wrong?I hope it does not. I'm doing it after joining all the practical thoughts together. If I wait for Samuel to announce his actual decision, he's going to eat up all the time we'll be getting before the wedding. I can't carry this facade for so long. And it's gonna build more excitement and expectations in everyone. I'm sure Samuel is going to lose his mind and immediately announce his decision to call off the marriage. A knock occurs on my door after I get dressed in my sweatshirt and yoga pants. I open the door and discover paa standing over there."Were you about to take a nap?" he asks."No, paa. Please come inside", I say.My heart races faster. Paa knows me more than anyone. And I hate to lie to him. I hope he doesn't ask me anything about my decision."How's your lea
Chrisanna Damn! Was that a— dream? I find myself on my bed when I open my eyes wider. I was sleeping! That was a dream! That marriage— I get up right away and roll my eyes around. Meanwhile, mama comes into the room. My eyes widen at her. She's wearing the same dress that she was wearing at the wedding!"Hey, you woke up?" She smiles and strides towards my bed. Cupping my face, she looks at me with concern in her eyes. "How are you feeling now?"I frown. "What happened to me?""Chrissie, you fainted after the wedding ceremony", she tells me.My lips part in shock. I look down at myself. I'm wearing the wedding dress. This means I actually fainted."I'm married?" I exclaim."Chrissie, are you alright, sweetie?" her voice is more serious this time as she stares down at me. I pull on an immediate smile and hold her wrist. "Yes. I'm fine, mama. I just don't remember how I— fainted. I thought I was dreaming about the— wedding", I mutter, recollecting every moment of the ceremony. I can
Chrisanna Which message? My eyes widen at his question. Meanwhile, before I could say anything else, Kylee comes inside with Zoey. Zoey meows at me right away, jumping onto my lap. "She missed you", Kylee pets Zoey's head as I smile, rubbing her fluffy furry torso."Wait!" Samuel husks. As my gaze drifts back to him, he gawks at us in disbelief. "What's this?" he scoffs, narrowing his thick eyebrows in annoyance. I look at Zoey before focusing back on Samuel again. "This? This is a dinosaur with lots of furs and fluff"Samuel throws me a blank look. "I didn't know you had never seen a cat before in your life, Samuel", I gasp under my breath as Zoey snuggles to me. Kylee cracks up. "I can see, it's a cat. But why is it here?" he shrugs."First of all, she's a female cat. So, stop saying 'it'. Call her 'she' And her name is Zoey. Cute no?"Samuel rolls his eyes. "Okay. But it— why is she here?""Because I'm here""Why are you even here?" he grunts with a voice of frustration.I t
Samuel "Denial is normal. Having no clue what to do is normal. You don't understand why you're doing a certain thing. It's fine. Everything makes sense as long as you accept yourself, your emotions, and your decisions. Acceptance is the key. God accepts you, understands your dilemma and you also SHOULD"I lock my phone and take my AirPods out after turning the podcast off. Summer has finally arrived and I didn't realise that until I landed in Texas. It's still colder in Melbourne. It's always cold over there, at least to me. The warmth is missing which I always feel in Texas. For eight years, I was away from this warmth. I am scared of it, even though I like it. I'm scared of light, sunshine and zeal. Over the years, it only got worse. I look at my phone. It's already eight. Sitting on the wooden bench, I watch the unknown faces cheerfully jog around to start a better day. And I'm here to start a day without the expectation of any change. I get onto my feet and put on the hood of
Samuel Kylee is glaring at me in the hope of hearing an explanation—an explanation that likewise confuses me. Indeed, I had no desire to marry Chrisanna. It was a guilty pleasure that I was running from. Yet, I recall the absurd dilemma I was in yesterday when I received her message. My stomach dropped and I typed that message out of nowhere. I still don't know why I did that and I don't want her to ever find that out."Samuel, I'm talking to you", Kylee screeches, dragging me back to my senses.A sigh of distress escapes me as I look at her. "Listen, little bug", I touch her cheek. "I'm really sorry you had to take this blame for me. But this is the first time I have asked for something. From you"Her raging eyes gradually cool down as she blinks at me, nodding."You can at least do that for me""I can", she looks at me with her confusion-filled eyes. "But I can't understand why you did it. If you truly wanted to marry her then—""No", I snap, stuttering the next moment. "I never
Chrisanna "Ms Corinna wants a beach-themed shoot. She emailed me last night", Phoebe tells me as I scatter all the pictures of some locations from different angles. "Great! She has a shoot scheduled for tomorrow. How are we going to get the location ready in less than 24 hours?" shrugging, I toss the notepad at Derek's face. Accidentally. "Sorry, Derek!" I scoff. "Go and pick up the goods soon as possible. I'll have to shut down before the afternoon"Derek fixes his hair which was definitely not that affected by his face getting slammed."Miss C, are you okay?" he groans."Derek, it'll be better if you pay attention to your internship rather than my mood!" I snarl at the nineteen-year-old boy as he nods and walks straight out of the room. Paxton and Mayla scramble to return to their work as my gaze falls on them.When I'm working, I'm never in a bad mood. I enjoy working and am not rude to my coworkers. However, I have been unable to maintain a positive attitude since my marriage.
Chrisanna Samuel's eyes fix on me without any movement as I make the pillow bridge again. He rolls his eyes and looks away as if he's done with me. I'm so tired of this attitude when he acts like I'm getting on his nerves. I set a pillow against the headboard and lean against it, holding my tablet as I focus on making a theme board for my next shoot. I hear him opening the closet but don't give much attention to it, instead, I hold my focus on the tablet. It takes me a while to balance all the colour palettes with the dress code. I finished a lot of stuff in one sitting and finally exhale a sigh of relief, closing the tablet.Surprised, I find Samuel still digging inside the closet. He throws his clothes on the bed and again folds them. I realise he didn't come to bed and he had been near the closet for forty minutes straight.Don't talk to him.Don't call him.I shouldn't care. I keep ranting this to myself. However, I can't ignore the anxious look on his face."Samuel!" I call h
Chrisanna "Sorry?" I shake my head, wondering if I have misheard her."You'll be reporting Mr Samuel Vance, Chrisanna", Nicole repeats with a teasing smile lingering on her face. Of course, she's the only one from this office who attended the wedding and knows about it. "Wow!" Nancy exclaims and I pinch her under the desk to keep her mouth shut.I'm freaking out over here. "Nicole, me? I'm just halfway through my internship. I'm not even ready yet""You are, Chrisanna. You're much better than you think you are. Trust me", she says and looks at her wristwatch. "I'll come to escort you to B corp in an hour. All the best"Nicole surges away after giving me a mini panic attack. "Damn, you're lucky!" Kizzy scoffs. "But what will you do with this luck? You have a fiance""And you are too boring to play around", Nancy groans."Shut up, you two", snarling, I come out of my desk and walk faster towards paa's cabin.* "Come in"I come inside with my heart still pounding against my chest."G
Hello, everyone. This month has been a really bad one. After I posted the previous chapter almost 10 days ago, I was doing pretty well. None of my family members nor I have ever suffered from Dengue before which is why I had no idea that after the fever decreases abruptly there is a higher chance to have a very bad fever after a couple of days. I wasn't fully recovered. Had to get admitted in the hospital. I really tried my best to use my free time to write something but it was next to impossible. It's been two days since I have come back home and doing pretty well. But due to a gap in writing, I'm unable to get motivated to write the next chapter. Must be an absurd request but please let me know in the comments how many of you are still with me, waiting for the rest of the chapters, so I can have some boost in motivation and push myself to finally get back on track. Thanks in advance for all the good wishes. Hugs?
ChrisannaYou know what's the worst part of this phase? I know every bit of change happening in my body and my mind but people around me— who love me— are trying their best to hide those changes I may not see but feel. I snuggle into Samuel's arms after breaking the kiss and exhaling deeply as his grip tightens. I feel his heart racing, faster than ever.He thinks I didn't notice anything. But I did feel everything. I felt the sudden change in his voice which he tried to hide. I felt his hands suddenly moving more gently than ever as if he was scared to touch my hair, as if he feared the more he'll mess with them the more they'll come out. He thinks he can prevent them from falling anymore. Maybe. But he can't.I know everything. I feel everything.I feel him. He can't hide. He can't lie. "You're feeling well? We can cancel the date if you want to", he asks me, squeezing my shoulders gently. "No. I wanna go""You sure""Hmm", I lift my head and smile at him. *We spent the rest of
Samuel"I'm sure I was born only to meet her", I say, smiling down, midway through my speech— among the group settling in a circle during the weekly meeting. "Every good thing that happened in my life— all revolved around her. I just don't know how that's possible. I believe that I was born for her. Just to meet her and love her. There's no damn purpose in my life. There haven't been any"My breath hitches as I look around at all the smiling faces."Do I look better to you all? Like better than how I was when I came to the first meeting?" A tinge of anticipation stirs me up. "I just don't want to go back to the worst phase of my life anymore. And I'm so fearful that it would happen if I keep watching her struggling. It's very painful—" I struggle to speak.Strangely, it didn't happen ever since I started coming to the meetings and I always talked fluently.As I struggle to speak, my phone rings. Even though it's not allowed to carry phones while in the meeting, I'm allowed as I discus
ChrisannaIt's like a script they have all memorized. "Line dance", Uncle Colton says, getting up and walking towards the music player. "Darn. I hate it!" Eric snarls. "All dancing like soldiers""It's fun. We do it every time in family gatherings", Judson says, flickering a smile. "Seriously! Are you a 50-year-old in the body of a 17-year-old?" Eric grimaces, making Judson silent."Stop bullying him, Eric", Kylee shoots him a glare."Opposite attracts— shit is real", Charlotte laughs her lungs out, taking sips from her drink."Okay, you all", Uncle Colton turns the music on. "Get into a line"As everyone takes place for a line dance, Samuel helps me to get up."You don't need to match and move that much, okay? Just enjoy", he says. "Don't stress" I nod and notice a few people from the park have also joined. The environment seems to come alive with the rhythm of the dance as I weakly copied Charlotte's steps who is standing before me and briefly look at Samuel beside me. He has a
ChrisannaThe sun-kissed park provides a picturesque setting as the sprawling green meadow unfolds in front of me. Towering trees with long branches surrounding us leaves gently rustling in the soft breeze. The vibrant colours of blooming flowers dot the landscape.I inhale deeply, swallowing the canvas before my eyes. It all seems so new and mesmerising. I haven't inhaled fresh air for months. More than half of the last five months were spent within the four walls of the hospital and I also didn't wanna step out.I miss my old life so much. I look yards away, taking every inch of the view, watching kids playing around, families conversing and groups of friends laughing aloud."It's really hot over here", Samuel comes beside me, blocking the sun rays straight hitting my face as how tall he is. I look up at him and smile, finding Zoey curled around his neck. "I missed this heat""In that case, I think you had enough of it", he slides his hand behind my back and I keep smiling at Zoey
Chrisanna Stage III. As hard as it is to accept, this is the reality. It's been weeks since I've been back to the hospital. Again.And it sucks. I'm going through radiation therapy now. Even though my breasts were removed, cancer spread beyond that area to nearby lymph nodes surrounding tissues, chest walls, and skin.My skin burns, itches, and aches most of the time. I feel tired even pushing my eyelids and sometimes it's even harder to breathe. Although my stitches are gone, leaving those lifelong scars, the soreness and fatigue still wake me up every night. But now I have learned not to cry out. I have learned how to live with this discomfort and pain. Among everything, my life is just standing still. It seems like I'm stuck in a loophole where the world is running at a fast pace and I'm just standing there. I don't feel the same anymore. I'm not the same. The changes haunt me. I find it hard to accept myself. And every time I try to speak my heart out, I can't. They don't
SamuelChrisanna had to spend the next week in the hospital. As she preferred, Aunty Ivanna was there for her most of the time. I rarely got to spend time with her as the nurses and doctors had to check on her every half an hour. She might need a few weeks to recover from the surgery before the radiation therapy starts. According to the doctors, she'll need more than a year to get past all that and it depends on her recovery whether she'd need more therapy or not. However, I'm more concerned about the woman she's turning into— completely different from what she was. She barely speaks to me. She just stares at me whenever I am there as if she's talking to me through her eyes and I feel dumb and desperate when I can't bring myself to understand what she might want to say.I try to be there for her as much as I can but I wish I could do more. To ensure I'm in a better state of mind, I regularly attend my therapy sessions. Connor introduced me to a group and I have attended two meetings
ChrisannaNo amount of willpower, confidence, and support can prepare you for this— no matter how strong you try to be— it's never that easy. The day I was diagnosed with this disease again, I was so sure that I would overcome it— again. If a seven-year-old child can fight, then a twenty-five-year-old grown-ass woman can definitely fight and win. But little did I know that, it's not the same— and never that easy.The more I was sucked into this illness, the more I realized it's not the same. It's more painful than anything else. Either I lose something that defines my identity, or I lose myself. Either way, I have to lose. Spacing out of reality, I look down at my hands, clasping and unclasping them as my eyes dart to the wedding ring, glistening on my finger. My thoughts slip away from one direction to the other one as Samuel's face flashes in front of my eyes. I haven't seen him for two days— ever since I was admitted to the hospital for surgery. I met no one as I requested them
SamuelI wasn't honestly expecting something like that. There's barely any word I can form to speak when she stares straight into my eyes with a blank face. Her voice barely shakes and her gaze doesn't even flinch.This is not anything like Chrisanna. Chrisanna is all about expressing. She doesn't believe in being or looking emotionless— cold and rough. She should have been nervous, scared, or hurt while saying such a huge thing to me. At least— to me!I had seen changes in her behaviour lately but it's something painful to watch.She keeps staring at me, waiting for an answer when I was completely spaced out. I shrug, clearing my throat."Okay""It's awful", she doesn't blink— and her voice is ice cold. She should be flinching and groaning in frustration and maybe in anger. There's nothing!"It's not awful", I exclaim, immediately sliding my palm around her jaw. "It's a way to heal you""Yeah. Just throwing away a part of my body isn't awful", she groans, making me unsettled."No.