Chapter 41

"You're silly, I will not let you wipe this dirt with that filthy cloth, and don't even think to clean it with the dress you're wearing. It's difficult to find a suitable property..."

She barely listened what he said. She stopped dead in tracks. Time stood still and there was nothing but his face, his touch, his warmth, and his particular scent tinged with the smell of oil paints. The feeling of his fingers against her bare skin. They were warm and rougher than they looked. And his scent surrounded her. The delicious smell and touch of him blended into an intoxicating sensation. There was a spark flashing in his eyes and his pupil expanded, she had been told that it was a significant hint of attraction. His finger slowed and trailed down, rubbing the corner of her mouth softly.

"Holy hell..."

He whispered a curse. Her heart skipped a beat. In a brief moment, an insane thought occurred to her. He was going to bend down and kiss her. She caught her breath.

"I made it even worse, now you look a mess."

He released her and stepped back, staring regretfully at the result of his unavailing help on her face. It took a moment for her to perceive that she had got all the wrong idea. Dear God. She thought he was going to kiss her! Suddenly she felt like she was going to burst out laughing.

"I don't see anything funny about that."

He scowled, and it only fueled her amusement. If only he knew what was on her mind.

"I'm sorry, I feel silly." She bit back a helpless grin.

"You don't need to say sorry and you look even sillier than you feel. You're going to be a spectacle on your way home."

Her eyes widened at his caustic remarks.

"I wonder whose fault is that?"

He stared at the smudged colorful chaos in her cheek. From the look in her face, she didn't care about it overmuch. She looked greatly amused and her smile was contagious, affecting him like sunshine on his face, its warmth crept into his soul.

"Mine, without the slightest intention. But I gather somehow you find it entertaining."

"At the very least. But I appreciate your good intention very much."

She smiled unconsciously and glanced at him. He looked equally amused. A gleam of delight flashed in his eyes and sparkled the atmosphere like some invisible fairy dust. It took several moments for her to recognize that they were exchanging remarks in a friendly manner. And in the meantime, she had forgotten to be awkward.

*****

Day 4

It seemed like his hostility toward her reduced gradually day by day. Today when they had a break, surprisingly he suggested her to have a look at his artwork collection. Thankfully it wasn't as uncomfortable as the painting lesson or the drink together idea. She could preserve a comfortable distance from him and avoid eye-contact indistinctly. However, opposed to the awkwardness that always tormented her at his closeness, sometimes she found herself completely at ease with him.

"You can make abstract painting."

She said in surprise as she found a painting dominated by midnight blue color in rough oil painting textured. Splash of bright colors in varying size splattered over the dark colored background. He was standing two feet away from her, sipping a glass of wine.

"Just trying. What is it in your perception?"

She stared at the painting for a long while before answering.

"A galaxy of stars."

It was a picture of the stars indeed, but he liked the way she arranged the words to define it.

"Lucky guess. What do you think the meaning underlying beneath it?"

"I don't know... perhaps it wants to say that the night comes for a reason. Without the darkness, the stars have no meaning. They cannot shine in the daylight."

Now he was impressed.

"Impressive. How did you come with that interpretation?"

"My tutor asked me to read a book every weekend in various topics. The following week, we would discuss the content of the book. I read about art interpretation once, and I think the book would say something like that about this painting."

"You had a private tutor?"

"Yes, many private tutors, actually. I had different tutor for each subject."

"What subject did you learn?"

"Anything. History, math, ethics, French, dancing, playing piano and harpsichord, horse riding."

"You're educated no less than a lady."

"But I'll never be one of them."

"I would think you were if I met you in different situation."

She didn't expect he would reply kindly. Surprised, she raised her gaze and met his eyes. In the fireglow, his complexion looked warm and radiant. The long black eyelashes framed his eyes like a thick dark liquid. A gentle smile played over his face and for the first time, his eyes looked warm and sincere. That smile, together with those eyes was a deadly combination. She swallowed, suddenly felt her heart racing and her palm damp. When he was smiling like this, when he was in lighthearted mood, he could be somewhat companionable, and terribly attractive. Though he was a dreadful man, he wasn't all bad. She got a feeling, if she got to know him...

God!

What was she thinking about? It was bad. Very bad. She couldn't be attracted to him. He wasn't just mean, arrogant and volatile. He was a grouchy, irritable, spoilt aristocrat who couldn't stand a little herbal smell and never wiped a thing in his life. He was the worst of them all. And among other things, he was Magnus' cousin and greatest rival. She could never forget it. It would be an ultimate betrayal.

She didn't want him to be companionable and friendly like this. She preferred the old, regular him who always abused her at every turn. She preferred him to irritate her, hurt her till her heart bleeding than troubled her with his enchanting smile and brought turmoil in her mind like this.

She thought of something to say, anything, to break the warm, queer atmosphere that suddenly smothered them in comfort and ease. She didn't want to feel comfortable and easy around him.

"Did you ever paint your mother?"

It surely worked because the warm ambience suddenly turned into a dragging silence before he finally answered.

"Of course"

"I've seen almost all of your paintings, but I have yet to find her picture."

He tore his gaze away and turned aside.

"It's not here. I've kept it hidden in an unseen place."

"Why?"

Suddenly she was tempted by curiosity and forgot about keeping the safe distance.

"I don't want to remember anything about her again, ever."

"I don't understand why you want to get rid of all the memories of your mother."

"Because she had gone forever and will never come back, no matter how many times I remembered her."

No matter how much I missed her.

So it was better to forget it and bury all the memories in the bottom of his soul. It couldn't bring pain to him again after all these years.

In the first days after his mother's death, a severe pain always pervaded his entire being everytime he saw something that reminded him of her. So he ordered to remove anything related to her out of his sight.

"Do you still feel sad everytime you remember her?"

"No. I never think of her again."

He stared blankly to the dancing flames in the fireplace.

"I'm glad that time eventually turned everything to a fading memory. Now I could hardly remember her face."

"But it shouldn't be that way, the memories should be something you treasure, not something you throw away like some filth."

At this point, she was utterly unaware that she was crossing the line again, and so was he.

"You know nothing about this feeling.

What do you know about loss?"

"I know how painful it is to lose someone you love, and I know a great deal more. You know very well it just happened to me not very long time ago."

He cast a sharp glance at her, and for some curious reasons, she chose to avoid the sensitive issue that involved his cousin.

"I mean... with my family. For all my life I have never been far from my parents and now I've been away from them for a long while. Perhaps I will never see them again for the rest of my life. Isn't it almost like we're separated by death?"

"No, not even close. You still have every chance to see them again in the future. There are many possibilities."

She fell silent, acknowledging the truth in his words.

"You are right. It's not even close. I've never experienced such darkness in my life. But I think your mother would like you to remember her." She said a bit timidly.

"Not with pain and sorrow, but with love."

How could it be possible?

To think of his mother was to bring back a soul wrenching pain. He fought a glimpse of the past that suddenly flashed in his mind, and failed. He watched her coffin lowered to the cold grave in choked desolation, leaving him to carry on with his life in anguished misery and loneliness. There were times in the past when he really loathed sunrise, for it just marked the coming of another interminably long day. Hours and hours of grief and despair to endure. And helpless regret.

How could a person with a heart of gold like her was destined to meet her death that way, he would never understand. He never had one last look at her dead body in the coffin. He had been warned that it was better for him not to see. They said that the shot had blown her head very badly and it was difficult to fix the appearance. He resisted a sickening feeling that suddenly roiled his stomach. She deserved a much better life as much as a much better way to die. Her marriage to his father had ruined her life, and he hated the indisputable fact that he was the product of the ill-fated marriage, he was a part of her terrible fate. And no matter how hard he tried to redeem it, nothing could ever change it.

"I'd rather not feel that ever again. What's the point of recalling someone who no longer exists and feeling the pain all over again?"