Chapter 1

[ABBIE]

Wouldn’t it be nice if you woke up in the morning and snuggled up beside the one you love? It would be the best feeling on earth to see her opening her eyes and flashing her charming smile at you. That’s what I feel every time I wake up in the morning. But today is different from those other mornings.

My hand reached for the cold sheets beside me. I should have woken up with a smile on my face, but instead, dread took over. The loud thumping of my heart and the sting in my chest made tears pool in my eyes. I slowly got up, and as I looked around my lonely room, fear started to haunt me again. The fear of being alone, depressed and surviving another day without her.

I sighed slowly as I closed my eyes. The pain seemed to get worse. It never heals. My head was spinning around, and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and sleep. I hope this is just another nightmare, and tomorrow I’ll wake up with her beside me.

I blinked once, twice, and then again until I finally fell into a deep slumber.

“Abbie, wake up, my love,” the sweet voice of a girl I knew very well woke me up. My eyes slowly opened, anticipating that I'll finally see her beautiful face. The sun rays seeping into the curtains of my window dazzled me. I shielded my face with my hands and squinted my eyes while my focus wandered about my room. She’s not here. My mood fell suddenly, but it was reverted to a hopeful one when I saw the bunch of yellow roses on my bedside table.

I knew that was a nightmare and this, here and now, is the reality. My face lit up, and I excitedly jumped off the bed to reach and nuzzle those beautiful yellow roses, my favorite.

“Damn, Xanthe. You definitely know how to get me," her name alone gives me butterflies in my tummy. I wonder where she went.

Excited as always, I immediately ran out of my room to find my girlfriend, Xanthe. She’s the most precious human you could ever meet. Her smile alone is enough to lighten up my world, and I couldn’t wait to see her.

“Xanthe!” I called for her as soon as I reached our front yard.  

When I called her name for the second time, the dog in our neighborhood barked loudly. Why is he so angry? I knitted my brows as I searched the house for her but couldn't find her. Slowly, my heart began to race. I went to the kitchen, bathroom, guest rooms, then back to our room, but she was nowhere to be seen.

Is this another nightmare? My hand caressed my forehead as my head started to spin around once again. My chest tightened as panic conquered me.

“No, no… She’s here. I know she’s here. I heard her voice,” I mumbled shakily as I hurried outside to catch my breath. I felt like my airways were narrowing, slowly choking me to death.

Tears ran down my face as I struggled to breathe.

“Breathe, Abbie, breathe,” I heard her voice. I shut my eyes close, and I heard her voice once again. Is this the only way I could be with her?

“Breathe, my love. I’m here.”

It's as if I'm hearing her voice for the first time, and it fills me with delight. Her voice is therapeutic for me. In an instant, I felt calmer, and I could finally breathe freely.

“That’s it, my love, breathe,” she said again. My eyes remained closed, I was afraid that if I opened them, she’ll be gone again.

“I’m here. Open your eyes,” she encouraged me. I gulped, unsure whether or not to open my eyes.

“Trust me,” she whispered. I sighed, and I decided to finally put my trust in her words. Despite the fear, I opened my eyes, and there, I saw the love of my life smiling at me.

“Xanthe!” I cried out and immediately hugged her, not caring how tight it was. She chuckled and ran her hand over my back. Her cool scent helped a lot to calm my nerves.

“Stop crying. I never left. Happy anniversary,” she said. I gasped when I just remembered that it’s our 6th anniversary today.

“Oh my God! I’m sorry, I forgot about it,” I pulled away, covering my mouth with my hand. She smiled widely before shaking her head. She reached for my cheek and pinched it a little.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” her eyes sparkled as she looked at me. I can clearly see how she adores me, and I couldn't ask for anything more. I just want to be with her every day. I always love to stare at her face, her plump lips, upturned nose, and her thick attractive eyebrows. Damn, she’s way more handsome than any other guy out there.

She held my arm and pulled me again for another hug before planting a soft kiss on my forehead.

"How about some ice cream?" She asked. My eyes twinkled with excitement at the thought of our ice cream rendezvous. I've had those nightmares for a week now, waking up without her beside me.

My mouth stretched into a wide smile, and I nodded like a sweet little girl.

“Yes! I’d love to!” I squealed in delight and hopped towards our medium-sized gate. I pulled her excitedly, and she wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

“You’re so cute,” she commented as we walked on the pavement. We’re just a few blocks away from Jenny’s Ice cream. It’s the famous ice cream parlor in the neighborhood. A few cars passed by, and Mrs. Robins, who happened to be my mom’s friend, caught my attention while driving her car.

“Hey, Sweetie, I’m glad you’re extra happy today!” She said with a smile on her face.

“I am, Mrs. Robins! Thank you. Have a great day!” I replied. I skipped like a happy little girl as I walked side by side with my girlfriend.

“Mrs. Robins has always been caring to you,” Xanthe said. I nodded in response before saying, “Yes, she’s always nice to me.”

“I’m glad that people around you love you,” Xanthe sweetly mumbled. I looked up to see her face. I couldn’t guess what it was, but something was off. However, I don’t want to spoil our great day, so I just shrugged it off.

Xanthe urged me to wait outside before we got at Jenny's Ice Cream as she would just grab me my favorite ice cream. I agreed, assuming she had something special planned for me. To be honest, I hate surprises, but Xanthe is an exception. There’s something about her that makes me agree with everything she wants.

“Stay right here. I’ll be right back,” she said, her gorgeous smile beaming at me. How am I supposed to say no to her?

“Okay, just be quick,” I reminded her. I watched her as she pushed the door open and entered Jenny’s. Meanwhile, I decided to just sit on the bench and kept myself occupied by watching random passers-by. I also noticed a man feeding a flock of birds. It's entertaining and relaxing to watch.

I looked back again to see if Xanthe had finished getting our ice cream, but she hadn’t come back yet. I sighed and focused my attention back on the passers-by. A suit-clad gentleman smiled as he glanced at me. I just smiled back at him even though I didn’t really know him. I’ve always been friendly to everyone. This neighborhood is peaceful, so I never get worried about the trouble of greeting every people I see.

I stayed sitting on the bench for another few minutes until I felt impatient.

"Why is she taking so long?" I muttered under my breath. I clicked my tongue, stood up, and started to walk toward the ice cream parlor. I recognized some familiar faces, and Katherine, the girl at the counter, greeted me.

“Hi, Abbie! It’s great to see you here. What should I get you?” She asked, beaming at me. I looked from left to right to search for Xanthe, but she was not there. So I decided to ask Katherine.

“Uhm, have you seen Xanthe? She went here earlier,” I asked, though my heart was already thumping fast. Did she disappear again?

Katherine’s smile slowly faded. I waited for her to respond, but she stayed deafeningly silent. I wasn’t sure if she was not feeling well or what. So I asked her again, “Did she leave already?” Assuming Xanthe had already taken some ice cream and left without saying a word to me.

“Abbie, I’m sorry. I’ll just get you your favorite ice cream. Here, it’s on the house,” she said with a smile, handing me a tub of milk ice cream that Xanthe always gets for me. I just looked at the ice cream and slowly reached for it. Why she isn’t answering my question?

“Thanks. You didn’t answer my question. Have you seen her?” I was just keeping my cool, but I was already panicking inside. I attempted to keep my breathing under control. My vision became fuzzy as a ringing in my ear became louder.

“Abbie, calm down. I’ll call Mia. Hold on,” Katherine was also in a panic state. Did Xanthe leave me again? Why is she always leaving me like this? Why?

Tears pricked my eyes, and I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing. I just grabbed anything I could hold on to as my head started to spin around. I couldn’t breathe. I need Xanthe. I need her.

“Xanthe, where are you!” I shouted despite the fact that I was already sitting on the floor. I didn't mind if people were already staring and murmuring about me.

“Abbie! Oh my God!” I heard my sister’s voice, but all I could think about was Xanthe.

“Katherine. Thanks for calling me. I’m really sorry,” I heard Mia’s voice again. My eyes were closed now. I was hoping that Xanthe would just appear beside me and hug me tight.

“Abbie, it’s okay. I’m here,” Mia's shaky voice caught my attention. Her chin rested on my head as she hugged me tightly. Her hands caressed my arm and back, and I just let myself lean on her. I felt restless, confused, and anxious. Why? Why is this happening to me?

“Let’s go home, Abbie,” Mia tried to help me stand up, and I just let her. Although my knees were already trembling, and I had no strength to even walk, I still tried. Tears stained my cheeks, but I had no tears to shed as I sobbed for over half an hour in front of the counter, sitting on the floor.

"Xanthe," I muttered weakly. Mia remained silent. As we walked back to our house, she simply wrapped her arms around me.

“Mia, Xanthe's gone, right? And it’s my fault,” It was excruciating for me to even say those words. For the past year, those words had been tormenting me.

“It’s not your fault, Abbie. Don’t blame yourself,” Mia comforted me, but it wasn’t enough to cast away the guilt in me. It should have been me. She didn’t deserve to die that night.