CHAPTER THREE: ELICIA

I wonder if anyone knows that the end of a car accident is the beginning of hell, recovery and endless pain.

Yet the road remains the same and people continue driving through  it.

Apparently a month and two weeks later, the mid September; the month I was supposed to be at UCLA (University of California and Los Angeles) with Jeremy I was seated in front of a woman named Lydia.

Late thirties, slim, dirty blond hair and very beautiful. She had a welcoming aura around her at all times and she tried her best to get me to talk but she failed dismally for the past two weeks.

Not that I did not want to talk because I wanted to but I could not.

I do not know what was happening to me it was as if I had lost the ability to produce sound.

“Your mom said you had a nightmare yesterday, what was it about?”

“Did you have a dream about Jeremy?” She asks and I winced at the mention of Jeremy's name.

It’s still difficult to believe that he was gone.

“El, talk to me.”

I just stare at her and she sighs standing up. I follow her with my eyes to see her retrieving a black A5 notebook with a black pen from her handbag. She walks toward me and hands me the book.

“That is a journal entry notebook and I figured since you will not talk about your feelings why not write about them.” I wrote the first entry, I hope this notebook does its best.” she said.

She suggested reading my entries every weekend as I will be writing them during the week.

After our session, I went home. As soon as l got home I heard mom shouting at dad in their bedroom.

“What is it that, that woman has that I don't have? Huh, Matt? We have a child together for fuck’s sake, a grown child. What the hell am l going to tell her? What is wrong with you Matt?  Our child just went through a very traumatic experience and you what? You want to leave us??” my mom said and ended up crying. I opened the door a bit wider to be able to see properly, Mom was sitting on the bed crying and dad was standing trying to calm her but she was not having it.

“You are just taking the easy way out, I can’t believe you want to leave your family for another woman Matt.”

After hearing that I start sobbing, both mom and dad turn around to see me by the door.

It wasn’t until mom started walking toward me that I figured I was producing a sound as I was crying.

“El, baby how long have you been there?” mom asks me and I step back but stumble.

“El!!” dad calls breaking my fall.

We sit in my parents’ bedroom as dad tried to explain himself, all l could see was his lips moving without actually hearing anything. I caught bits and pieces of the conversation, something along the lines of ‘he was sorry’.

I did not know I would feel more pain than what I was feeling at the moment but apparently, I could. I felt a sharp pain pierce through my chest and I let out a scream.

“Please don't leave me!!!!”

“Please don't leave me!!!!”

“Please don't leave me!!!!”

I repeated those words like a chant, both my parents did not know what to do so, they called Lydia.

After a couple of minutes, Lydia showed up in her white satin pajamas at our doorstep.

“El,” she called calmly and I instantly stopped my chant, when I looked at her I saw Jeremy.

“Jer, how come you are here?” I question touching his face.

“It’s Lydia, not Jeremy,” Lydia said and Jeremy's face vanished and it was replaced by Lydia’s beautiful face.

“Remember I said whenever you feel like you want to vent out anything, scream, shout you do it. Don’t keep it in, let it all out,” she said and I screamed my lungs out.

After my outburst, Lydia took me to her house because I had refused to stay home.

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Journal entry 2

I can't believe dad just left, I thought he loved us both.

Do you leave someone you love?

I guess so because Jeremy left me too and yet he claimed he loved me.

Jeremy, why did you not take me with you? Do you miss me?

I know I miss you, life is difficult without you.

Dad left us, he was supposed to be our strong pillar.

Do you think I will get better?

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Three weeks Later

I had somehow managed to get through the initial shock that dad just left. I thought after screaming and crying I would eventually have my voice back but no I still could not talk. Mom had been staying alone for the past month and I started feeling bad, it was high time I returned home.

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Journal entry 49 

I am sorry Mom l left when all we had was each other.

I should have stayed for us to go through it together.

But I think I am getting better, at least that's what Lydia said.

I hope work is treating you well.

I love you

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“I love you too El, I will love you always and forever.” Mom said as soon as she read my entry.

I stood up to hug her and we embraced each other for what felt like eternity. I moved back into our house the very same day after my session with Lydia.

Home started feeling homier even though it was just me and my mom.

Every time I was not with Lydia, at the dinner table with mom I was in my room by the window that overlooked an unfinished upstairs house opposite ours. I got my comfort from there, I would see the sunset every single day.

One of the days as usual I went to the windowsill and I looked at the rooftop of the building.

I saw someone there.

I squinted my eyes to get a better look.

It was a boy, a grown boy, a man?

That was the first day I saw him, Rooftop.

30 September.

He was holding what seemed like a photo and a lighter, he burned the photo and started crying.

I was intrigued by the boy and felt strangely drawn to him.

After my encounter with Rooftop, I saw him multiple more times, it was as if the roof was his thinking place,

I started finding myself again,

my voice and

I started writing about him in my journal.