I drifted in and out of sleep until I couldn't fool myself anymore that I would get any shut-eye. The sun hadn't risen as I tip-toed toward his room. All is quiet, his sheets haven't been disturbed from the last time we slept on it. Kitchen, living room, gym. Nowhere to be found. It's the third day that I have repeated this search routine. Is this how it's going to be from now on? After one visit to his mother, the boyfriend I fell in love with and just spent a wonderful weekend with, disappeared without a care in the world. The cabin getaway wasn’t even long ago and I feel like he’s slipping away. I head straight to his coffee machine. My mood requires two shots of espresso and tons of sugar. I dump the remaining milk from the carton into my swirling concoction. Is this going to be my fate now? Will I always wait and search for him? I'm still holding onto hope that this was a doozie. Maybe he was just busy. Sometimes people are just going through shit. How many times have I
Yes, I went through another night of straining my ears for any footsteps in the corridor or his door opening and closing but nothing. Just pure silence. I went through the motions this morning. Routine check. Coffee. Sulking on the kitchen island while I stare miserably at my breakfast. I won’t lie, even if my plan was ironed out last night, I’m still holding out hope this morning. He might still come in from that door with his usual swagger, hug me, or even just a simple ‘hey’ would suffice, if I’m being honest. Just anything would be better than this radio silence. It’s killing me, he’s a few steps away most of the day and yet he chooses this distance. What have I done? Am I that repellant? I scoff. Not this again. My appetite has completely gone and I head to my room. Somehow it feels wrong to wear any of the clothes he bought me. I change into my own clothes after I shower and chuck some of my stuff in my backpack. If I’m leaving, I need to sort my things out immediately
Austin - 4 days ago - The world is spinning. I clutch my temples. The throbbing intensified as I attempted to move. The floor is tilting, constantly shifting. I reach out to steady myself. I know it will get worse when I open my eyes so I keep them closed. I haven’t been this hungover in a while. It’s definitely disorienting. I blink my eyes and even my thoughts come in choppy. It’s dark. Very dark. And cold. Once my eyes have adjusted to the darkness, I try to get my senses in order. I know I’m in bed. The sheets are cold and soft. I try to feel around but the pounding in my head is not letting up. Every movement fucking hurts. With all my remaining energy, I sit up and immediately, my world is tilting. I grasp onto the fluffy duvet. It’s my only lifeline while everything else is spinning. Oh, I’m in my room. My old room. I clutch my head and bow down, resting my throbbing forehead on my knees. Wishing this migraine to go away. The mounds of pillows and mountains
I exhaled sharply. He might as well have punched me in the gut. I stumbled back. A step then another. “No, no, no…” I mumbled. Shaking my head. He motioned to get up. I stop him with a raised hand. He sat back down. I must have heard wrong. I glance back at him. Searching his face for confirmation. Maybe I misheard him. No, he wouldn’t do that. “You… you won’t,” I tell him. He grimaced. “That’s not true,” I tried to convince myself. “I am so…” he started. But I didn’t let him finish. I ran out the door. I grabbed my things and high-tailed it out of that damned place. I had a split second before I chose to stop by the penthouse first. Pressing the button in the elevator, I see my hand shaking reflected on the wall mirror. I promised Charlotte I’d see her, I don’t break my promises, unlike some people. I dig my hands in my pockets, determined to not cry hysterically in public. Reaching the door, she immediately jumps on me. “Hi, hi, baby,” I clutch onto the puppy. “L
I took a day off. In the middle of the week, and the first time for me, I took it. I pride myself in reporting to work no matter what, even if I’m bloodied and half alive, best believe that I need the salary that much that I would power through. He knows that. He knows that I will come to work whatever the case. But this time, this time I just can’t. I physically would not be able to. After bawling my eyes out with my mom, I relocated my misery to my designated area and wept like a baby in my room. Poor Charlotte had to take the brunt of my suffering by trying everything in order to comfort me. The puppy resorted to placing herself on my chest and licking all the tears. She was that determined but she finally got knocked out around sunrise. I just could not sleep, all these scenarios in my head kept on playing. How did he cheat on me, where, and how many times? Did he love it? It’s maddening. I’m exhausted from crying for the past few days and I just don’t have the wherewi
Austin I watch her back out of the room. I was up and striding toward her a second after but she managed to run away. “God fucking damn it!” I cursed and held the door open as she frantically pushed the elevator button. I step into the corridor and if I run, I know I can stop her but should I? I have no qualms about groveling at this point. I really don’t, but does she deserve my pathetic excuses? Will I just hurt her more by pushing myself on her when clearly, I’m not good for her? The elevator door slides close as the woman I love slips away from me. No amount of work can distract me from what happened. The ever-growing guilt swirling around in my stomach makes me head toward my mini bar in my office. I unscrew the bottle of my most potent liquor and drink straight from it. Maybe if I drown myself with enough of it, I can forget the things I did to her. Even for just a few seconds. As the liquor touches my tongue, I know this isn’t the way. This led to me cheating
Austin - 1 month later - She’s surrounded by her friends. A smile followed by laughter. A quirk of my lips in response to the joy blatantly on her face. I divert my attention back to the company’s clients who joined us. “Splendid, charity events are my favorite,” Mark commented beside his wife Alice. “No one forced you to be here,” I told him. “She did,” Mark motioned to his wife. “Would’ve loved to see my god-daughter instead of you,” I said. “Ouch, why are you so snippy?” he said. “Is this because of your ‘assistant’?” Alice asked, looking around, “You’re not flirting with her and you’re not glued to her side, what happened?” “We’re not together anymore,” I mumbled. “Oh, that explains why you’re sulking back here and staring at her all the way over there,” Alice nodded to Olivia’s table where she was having fun with her friends. “He cheated on the girl,” Tommy inserts himself into the conversation. “I gave him a black eye for it,” he said proudly. “Thanks,” I said sar
The moment I saw him again after the betrayal, I split my day in two. The first half includes work and the second features moping around at home. The former entails pretending he doesn’t exist. The latter involves melancholic thoughts and late-night nostalgia. Both are misery-inducing. But I’ve gotten used to the numbness whenever I’m at the office. I’ve barricaded myself at my desk and nothing and no one can ever hurt me again. This personal bubble is admittedly delicate but it’s something that keeps me going. I simply refuse to handle pain at work. Period, no excuses whatsoever. Even if the man of my dreams is just beyond that door in front of me. Even if I see him every day. Not lovers nor friends. A little bit more than strangers, definitely colleagues. I shake my head, this concludes my slip-up for the day. There’s no peeking at the past or thinking about him on a personal level. Strictly, he’s Mr. Cane. Nothing more. I bury myself in work yet again. One thing the breakup ha
“Get up,” he said. “Now. Hands on the table.” I scrambled up and stood at attention. Slowly, ever so slowly, he put his knee in between my legs from behind. “Legs apart, Olivia.”I was vibrating with anticipation at this point. Everything felt charged. I held my breath as I felt him touch his front slightly on my back. I felt his breath on me, touching my skin as he inspected me. “Where did he touch you?” his soft voice was menacing. “I… Austin…” I stammered while he stood beside me. I felt his choppy breath skirting my shoulder. The goosebumps on my skin were ever prevalent. I couldn’t move, I was stuck as a statue. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. He left me paralyzed just by his presence. “I asked you a question, Olivia.” “I don’t…” “You don’t remember?” “I would rather not,” I exhaled. “How did it feel?” “What? I, I don’t know…” “You’re trying to forget, I understand. But you need to open up for me. “ He said this as he wedged his knee between mine. “Ugh…” “Did he tou
“You’re right. You did a very bad thing, Olivia. And for so long, you tested my patience.” I shivered at the tone of his voice. It sent chills through me. “You made me watch you at your lowest point. You made me endure everything. All because, what? I love you? I watched you, did you know that?” He stood menacingly. My eyes were focused on him undoing his belt, painstakingly slow. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. At this point, these little words have lost their meaning. He stopped beside me. I stared at the bulge in front of me. He gripped my hair. The caring touches at the hospital are long gone now. In its place, he started squeezing my hair. “You had me so worried. I was losing my mind, did you know that?” he gritted out. “I didn’t know what to do, I was so helpless. I couldn’t even get to you. It’s like you were so far away, in your own head.” “I was… I’m…”“Don’t you fucking say you’re sorry. We’re way past that now.” “But,” I struggled to stay in our conversation but I was dis
“I messed up,” I told Austin. We were in our dining table when I got home from the hospital. Somehow, the guilt and the shame pushed me to bare it all out. “Something needs to change. I NEED to change. I royally fucked up and this whole thing is my mess,” I added. He sat there and I knew he was starting to defend my actions again. “You were drugged. He manipulated you…”I stopped him. “That’s true. But what about all the other decisions I made? I decided to continue with the booze. I chose to take what he was giving me, Austin. Even if I was endangering my job, even if I was getting out of control. I chose those things. You can’t… I can’t pin this all on anybody else but me. I have a part in all this mess. A big part, actually.” He lowered his head. Maybe he’s realizing I have a point. “I trust too easily. Call it naivety or just plain stupidity, but I always choose to see the good in people. Even to my detriment.”He looked up at me. “But that’s what I like about you. You chose t
“I’m so sorry, Austin. Please!” The words fell from my mouth even as I was beginning to wake up. The crushing guilt enveloped me right when I saw his face hovering beside me. “It’s alright, you’re okay…” He kept on saying. “No, no, I-” “Whatever it is, that’s fine. We’re going to be okay.”“No, you don’t understand. He did things… I was…” I tried to explain. I tried to rationalize and did my best to come out with it but he just wouldn’t let me. “I said it’s alright, Olivia. My god, the doctors just gave me a rundown of the drugs circulating in your system. They had to pump it out of you just a few hours ago, Liv. It was that toxic.” “I know, I wasn’t myself. I was so messed up. But it was still me, somehow. I had a decision, I made them, a lot of them. Things I regret.” “What are you... What are you saying? What happened?” His brows bunched and I immediately thought how adorable it was until I was reminded of what actually went down in that room. “He took advantage of me. And
“I fucking hate you. I hate what you’re doing to me. You’re doing this to me when you know what I’ve been through. You’re no better than all the worst men I know.”He laughed when I said this. He grinned like I was a silly little child complaining. Like I was a mere plaything. Like I don’t have any right to disturb him. It made my blood boil and my insides squirm. “You tricked me. You made me believe in all your bullshit. Just so you could, what? Do this to me?” “Isn’t it worth it? I do say so myself.” He smiled like he already won this game we were playing. Checkmate, his face said it all. “I beg to disagree,” my voice was barely a whisper. But my rage was slowly cooking. It’s seeping through my drug-infused senses. It’s waking me up.I scrunched my eyes. “You’re going to pay for this.” “Yeah, sure. You’re saying that as if you’re not dying to fuck me right now. Need I remind you how wet you are? You’re about to put me inside you, sweetheart. Don’t worry, I can prolong this. J
I couldn't focus on anything. My body is on fire. It’s itching to move on its own, seeking pleasure, wanting the release.He was driving me crazy and I felt like nothing was in my control. Somehow, this was everything that I wanted at this moment, and yet… and yet… “What do you want, Olivia?” he whispered. The voice is enticing, making me lose all sense of control.I want to be ravaged. I want to be owned. It’s driving me insane. This animalistic need that’s welling up in me. And yet… “No…” I tried to tell him. “This is…” I tried again. “What?” He pressed his lips on the side of my throat. So light that I barely felt it. Somehow that’s worse. He lifted his other hand, the one that’s not tormeting me and glided it from my face, to my neck to my arms. Right down to my lower back. He pressed on it. Making me slide onto him forward and to his waiting hand. His fingers pressed on my intimate parts. He barely moved it. I was burning from the inside. An internal battle raging in me.
"You want me to fucking relax? Are you… goddamn crazy?" I said, bewildered and very much annoyed. "Just enjoy it. I'm sure you'll love it." He looked at his watch. "20 minutes, and you'll feel it."And just like that, everything started to feel good. Just like he said. The antsy feeling in my gut was starting to dissipated. "Am I… am I floating?" I giggled. I stared at my hand and smiled. "There you are," he smiled back. It gave me this strange sense of peace, like nothing I've ever felt before. The weight on my chest is getting lifted. "I feel floaty, Matthew." "I know. Isn't it great? I mixed those for you. Especially for you, sweetheart." He began touching my hand. My initial thought was to remove it but then… "Do you like it? Do you feel better?" And I did. I was light, I was happy. Finally. My god. I smiled, I really smiled. "You're so fucking beautiful, have I told you that?" He sat down beside me. "Nope. You haven't but I'm starting to feel it. I kinda feel pretty.
‘Sweetheart’, the term made my skin crawl. I never knew such a word could make me want to vomit that much. Or was it just the pills he shoved down my throat? I have no idea at this point. Does it matter? I’m in deep shit. There’s no other description of the situation. I watched him as he tried to hide his triumphant smug grin. “Please…” I pleaded. “Please, what? Let you go?” he shrugged. “Can’t do that.” “Matthew…” “Hmm… I really… really like that,” he confessed. “I just love hearing it from you. Makes me so excited, you know?” I closed my eyes. Everything was spinning. I scrunched them, maybe if I will this whole thing to go away… “Look at me,” he said menacingly. “Just… don’t go away. You like to not be here, I’m fed up with that. Stay here with me, okay?” “Where do I go?” I prodded. Anything to keep him talking. He might not do anything bad if we just talk. Fat chance of that happening but I can try, can’t I? I have no other choice. “Your past. You always go back,” he sa
I went numb. All movements halted as I processed the information he gave me. “I... I should be scared? But… what have I done?” I couldn’t believe the things he was saying. Why is he mad? I should go. I tried to get up once again. He put more weight on my twisted arm, he’s crushing me down the cushion. I felt the panic rising more and more. I wanted to scream and run hysterically but I tried to stamp it down. That won’t help me now. He’s far stronger and angrier, I don’t stand a chance if it will come to blows. One-on-one combat has never gone well for women against men. “Can you release me? You’re hurting me, Matthew.” “No. You’re just going to leave,” he said but somehow his hold eased up. “I’m not, can we just talk about this first? There’s no need to get physical.” I tried to reason with the man, the primal need to escape from danger not letting up one bit. “If you let me go, I’ll stay. I promise.” “You’re too smart for your own good but I guess we could talk.” He releas