Painful art

"But now... well now.....She was back"

You may be wondering who this "she" is, but you see that was a question she no longer could answer. What was an identity anyway? Oh, I guess you could say she was your every other run of the average mill person in life- it's easier to blend into the crowd that way. Nothing about her really stood out and she had embraced her lot in life. Average height. Average weight. Dark hair. All the signs of almost anyone else you would come across in daily life.

But back in her hometown of Wintersville, this average girl was lost and her identity....well to her that was so unclear. As she sat there on the cold tile bathroom floor cleaning up her latest "art project" she pondered such things. "Who really am I anyway?...and.."Am I really just a mess of brokenness" were often questions that played in here mind. With each sting and tear, she reminded herself of how lost she truly was.

Let's start to scratch the surface of this deep iceberg philosophical question: "Who is this girl?" The obvious answer to her identity crisis would be a failure. Since once again she had given into the lies of that precious blade, the one thing who understood her and made her feel alive. She'd go for years at a time without giving into her addiction but then soon after not be able to go hours without being consumed. She hated and loved this part of her. Crazy would be another answer I'm sure. Ever since she had come clean about her "art," all her friends and family acted as if she was insane with their lectures and stares. She wished she could go back and erase every scar, but by this point she realized even if that was possible she would never be "forgiven." Many have no clue what to do with a person who would be "the vilest of sinners" and deliberately hurt themselves. Maybe her identity was plain, it was a manipulator, I mean that was what her best friends parting words to her were after that grave fight.....the one person she fully trusted with her whole life. But he was gone now, and she was the one to blame. She had ruined what that friendship meant, and now her trust walls would never truly come back down. Many other words came to mind.......none of which the average-joe would consider positive....nevertheless it was what it was....

As she cleaned up the floor and her wounds she remembered what her identity was at that moment....scared. She just stared deep into that positive pregnancy test and wished all this was a lie, but it wasn't. Soon not only would the fact that she had been raped be known but also she would soon bare a child. She wasn't ready for any of this, and she couldn't help but throw her fists up in anger towards heaven knowing this was nowhere in her plan. See once upon a time before well before things had happened she had hopes of going to Harvard or Yale. She had huge dreams of being a Mother Teresa of sorts in a broken world. She knew who she was and was ready to conquer the world and be a beacon of light to those hurting....But now.......she wasn't ready for the journey......

"Emery, what's taking you so long up there? Get down here right now. We have company" her mother yelled. Emery oh yeah that was her name and identity at least in as much as the world would know. "Coming mother," she said as she hid the blood-soaked towels and positive test. Soon she would tell them, but not today.....

As Emery walked down the staircase, she froze. Sitting on the couch was an old face she wished she would never see again. She wanted to run, flee, bolt but there was nowhere to where she could go. Panicked she walked to her mom and asked what was going on. "Oh, honey isn't it great that Cyrus stopped by... he was on his way to Lisbon and thought he would stop by," her mom said. Cyrus her former boyfriend that her parents had forced her to start dating (and did not believe they were actually broken up). Cyrus was the one who had won over her heart and then beat her to a pulp in a drunken rage. Cyrus the one she thought she would never need to see again, but craved to be with once again. Cyrus the one she still loved in the depth of her soul, and hated just the same. Together they were oil and water. She wanted to explore the world, and he never would color outside the lines. He liked things more in the traditional manner, and she was a hippie at heart. Why had they even broken up in the first place, well that’s a story for another day....Cyrus.......o Cyrus......

"Cyrus what are you doing here" Emery mustered out. And out came Cyrus' famous kryptonite line.. "Listen I know I messed things up....but I just needed to tell you that I am so sorry and I love you". Emery knew it was a line in her head but wanted to desperately believe it in her heart... she wanted so much for someone to finally love her...."Cyrus, would you like to stay for dinner?" Emery asked regretting every word.... "I would love to" he replied, "but first I have a question for you,". "What on earth do you need to ask me now that can't wait" she laughed feeling excited to have this time with Cyrus even if it was always deadly. "Well okay.....sorry I am so nervous... but Emery I need you in my life...we've known each other for a while now practically forever and.......okay I will just....will you marry me??"

Emery started in a tailspin....where was this even coming from. This is not how she expected this night to go or any proposal for that matter. Deep down yes she felt a love for him and that would never change... but it's hard to forget the bruises and just how controlling he was....what was he even thinking....she couldn’t even breathe, and now more than ever she wanted her blade.

Since Emery just stared off into space her mother answered: "of course she says yes." There was great rejoicing in the house as Cyrus slipped the huge gaudy looking silver ring on her finger. Tears filled her own eyes, but she couldn’t muster out a word. What would she say anyway....before she could even catch herself she yelled: "Cyrus I love you, but I can't marry you because I am pregnant." The next thing Emery knew was her dad was choking her up against a wall....soon the world went black again.......