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Losing Myself
Last Updated:
2024-12-27 01:14:34
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GraceThe moment I see Tristin staring at me, I freeze. Everything else blurs out—the noise, the cameras, the people. It’s just him, looking at me like I am some stranger, and I can’t stand it. His eyes are cold, detached, like he has already decided I am not worth it.I feel something break inside me. That damn wall I have spent hours building to keep myself sane? Gone. Just like that. Just with one cold look from him, I start asking myself questions again, and I start recalling everything AGAIN.He is not asking me anything. He is not blaming me, fighting with me, or trying to hate me. Is this a normal reaction?Is this how husbands are supposed to react? Are they just supposed to decide their wife has become a stranger overnight?Even now, when I am standing here with my life falling apart and Ethan’s fingerprints all over it, Tristin doesn’t bother. Instead, he just looks at me like I am the one who has failed him.It’s pathetic how much that hurts.My throat tightens, but I sw
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GraceI stumble a little, catching myself just in time. When I turn to look at him, he is wiping his hand on his pants like he has touched something disgusting.That hits harder than it should. My chest tightens, and for a second, I forget how to breathe.Does he find me so disgusting?I smile. It’s not a happy one. It’s the kind of smile you give when you are so hurt, you don’t know what else to do.“ You don’t have to act like I am dirty… ” I say, my voice low. “ We both know you are worse than I will ever be. Next time, you should not don’t touch me. I don’t need your help. ”The words hang in the air between us. The tension rises as our eyes meet, and he continues to look at me like he does not recognize me.He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t wait for him to. I turn around and walk away from him as quickly as I can.Once I am out of sight, I find a corner behind a pillar and crouch down, pressing my back to the wall. My knees come up to my chest, and I bury my face in them, tryi
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Grace“ We are here. ” Luca announces, breaking me out of the trance.I sigh, looking around. We are in front of an abandoned warehouse. And the eeriness of the secluded area makes my heart beat faster than it should. Without a word, I open the door and step out. The cold stings my skin, but I barely feel it. Luca leads the way and I follow him like a brainless dummy. It seems now that Tristin is not around, I can easily go back to my robotic self and act dead. As soon as I step inside, I see Fred sitting slumped on a chair. His head hangs low, hiding his face from my view. But the sight of an old man, sitting in a hard chair, without even warm clothes on does something to my mind. A crack appears in the ice wall in my heart and I find myself frozen on my spot for a few moments.What are you doing, Grace? I ask myself, but there is no answer. Suddenly, Fred picks up his face and my breath catches in my throat. His face is unrecognizable—swollen, bleeding, as if they have hit him
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GraceWhat the hell have I become?I don't want to feel this. I don't want to feel any of it. But I can't stop the wave of guilt crashing over me, drowning me in its intensity.“ He is telling the truth, Mrs. Roberto. ” Luca says. My fingers tremble as the words sink in. What are you doing Grace? A little voice asks the question in my head again.And this time, I have the answer. I am trying to turn into a monster. People don’t…hurt monsters. “ He drugged me… ” My hand drops by my side.“ No, Mrs. Roberto. There are no drugs in your system. He is telling the truth. We tested that liquor. It’s alcohol—a strong one. It matches what we found in your blood. And yes, it has side effects. It raises libido. That’s all it does. ”The ground beneath my feet suddenly turns soft. It’s like something wants to pull me under.Fred starts sobbing. “ I didn’t mean to hurt you…Please. I am sorry. I didn’t know he was not your husband. ”I stare at him, my chest heaving, my mind racing. Everything
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TristinI sit behind the glass wall of my office, watching the city lights twinkling in the dark. The people out there…are so busy with their world. They all have something to do, all moving every moment of even the quiet night.But I feel frozen in time. I want to move, but I can’t bring myself to.I close my eyes, and her face flashes before my eyes. She acted like a mad woman today. And almost got attacked by an even crazier woman.When I saved her from falling, the look she gave me continues to revolve in my head. Her eyes had been wide, startled, and for a second, I thought she would cry. But she didn’t. It was like she was making a conscious effort to hold back her tears in front of me.It made me angrier at her. If only she would let those tears fall, and tell me that she made a mistake, it could be over. I wouldn’t be able to stand tall against her tears. I would relent without a second thought.But she has decided to build the wall higher between us. I swallow, as I recall
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GraceAfter I packed up and held my son for a straight hour, I left home. I reached the airport, and then, it occurred to me…I was leaving my son alone again. That thought had stopped me in my tracks for a long time. Even when my name was announced, I didn’t leave. I stayed standing in the middle of the crowd, staring blankly at a white wall. I could have chosen to stay behind, but a voice inside my head kept saying that even my son would be better off without me. It was such a stupid, unnecessary thought.But it pushed me to the plane. And I left, despite the heavy feeling in my chest.Until the plane touched the track again, I was lost in the same thoughts. It felt like I didn’t cherish what I had and kept fearing the future. Now, perhaps, I was the one who had turned her own fears into reality.Something inside me knew these thoughts were not sane, nor were they justified. But I desperately wanted to blame someone.I tried to blame Ethan first, tried so hard to find any evidenc
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GraceThis was supposed to be my victory. It’s what I wanted.Isn’t it?This is one big step forward in my career. Even bigger than that RB Corp mess. But…it doesn’t make me…happy anymore. “ We will need to finalize the timeline and materials before moving forward. ”Mr. Renaud adds, his voice steady. “ But I have no doubt Elixir Co. would be thrilled to work with you on this project. ”I force a polite smile over my lips. “ I am looking forward to collaborating. ”He rises from his chair, extending his hand. I shake it firmly, feeling his grip but not really registering it. Words of gratitude are exchanged. Professional, courteous. After he is gone, the silence in the private restaurant booth becomes suffocating.I am alone.The presentation folders sit neatly in front of me, the praised designs still in view. But they feel like blank papers to me.As I gather my things, my hand trembles slightly. My reflection stares back at me from the glass walls surrounding the room—a woman dres
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GraceSeb’s little face fills my phone screen. I watch him for a moment, my heart weighing heavy in my chest. His eyes light up, and he grins so wide that I forget to breathe for a second.“ Mom! Look, I built a tower! ” He tilts the camera to show a wobbly stack of blocks leaning dangerously to one side.I smile, warmth spreading through my cold body. “ That’s amazing, baby. You have gotten good at this. ”He looks back at the screen with a proud, toothy grin. “ I wish you were here to play with me, Mommy. When…will you come back? ”My throat tightens, but I keep the smile in place. “ I miss you too, baby. I will be home soon. I promise. ”“ Sebastian. Eat your fruits. ” Mom’s voice sounds from behind him.Seb glances offscreen, distracted by her. “ Granma made snacks! I will be right back, Mommy! ”“ Go ahead. ” I keep the smile on my lips as he looks at me a last time.He disappears before I can say another word, the screen wobbling until a familiar face takes his place.“ Grace… ”
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GraceThe maids look for the knife everywhere they can, but after hours of search, they return…empty-handed. I sit by the window, just watching the sun rise in the distance as Mom questions the maids. After receiving the answer she wanted, she turns to me smugly.“ What do you have to say about it now? ” She asks, and I have nothing to say.I can only think in silence. My doubt has been confirmed. Someone in this house is helping that child do this. Was it Serena who planted this mole or was it Ethan? I couldn’t tell for sure before, but now, that doubt is cleared too.It has to be Ethan. Because Serena is gone as Tristin told me. And so, she can’t give any more orders, can she? So…Ethan Calder is still pulling the strings.He planted someone in our house, and she helped that boy get to my son’s room, without getting into the video of any CCTV camera installed in the corridors. Even the knife Sebastian used disappeared as if it never existed.The only person who ever saw that boy
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Grace“ I took care of Serena. We are keeping that boy and she won’t return. ” Tristin says.He has been talking for some time, but I can’t really focus. He is telling me that he did just what I wanted…Yet…I feel like I have made a terrible mistake as if I have played right into Ethan’s hands once more.Did he want us to adopt this boy and push Serena out of the way? Was the real problem always…the child I decided to keep without giving it a second thought? “ What are you thinking and what were you doing in— ”“ The kid… ” I speak up for the first time, and glance out the window, towards the garden. “ he tried to harm our son. I woke up…in the middle of the night and saw him holding a knife, aiming it at Sebastian’s neck. I—I pushed him away, and he went back to his room and— ”“ What? What are you saying, Grace? ” Tristin is on his feet, his anger rising as he paces back and forth.I explain the situation to him again, and it becomes impossible for me to stay still. Just when he
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GraceI don’t wait for her response. I slip out of the room, the trembling refusing to stop as I make my way to Sebastian’s room. My bare feet are soundless against the cold floor, the hallway stretched longer than usual in the dark. My head spins, my stomach curling into knots.I am not going to treat him like a child anymore. I need to know why he would try to kill my son. I push open the door, my breath catching in my throat. I prepared for every scenario. I thought he would be panicking or trying to hide—something a normal child would do after doing something wrong. But he…Sebastian is in bed, sleeping soundly.I freeze there for a moment, a frown etching between my brows. I walk closer to him and loom over his sleeping figure.He is sleeping as if he never got up from this bed. I glance towards the side tables and start checking them for the knife. I came in just five minutes. He couldn’t have gone and hidden the knife somewhere in such a short time.After looking inside the
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GraceMy body moves before my mind catches up.I grab Sebastian’s wrist mid-air, my fingers squeezing around his skin as the knife nearly comes down. A gasp erupts from my mouth and I shove him back. The knife drops from his hand, and lands on the floor with the loud cling noise. My motherly instincts kick in. My other arm wraps around my son’s shoulders and I pull his face into my chest.Seb startles awake with a soft gasp. “ Mommy? ”Everything inside me goes on high alert. My heart slams against my ribs as I stare ahead, my breath hitched in my throat. Sebastian…He bends down, reaching for the fallen knife. The moment his fingers curl around the handle again, my stomach twists violently.Is this…a five-year-old child?“Sebastian… ” My voice is nothing more than a whisper, barely escaping my lips.I don’t understand. My breathing speeds up as I tighten my hold over my son’s head, and prepare to get up and push Sebastian away.But…He turns away from me and walks toward the door.
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Grace“ Why did you need to return so fast? You should have stayed there for some days, Ania. ” I sigh as I sit beside Ania on the bed and watch Sebastian cooing at his new, little sister.“ I couldn’t stay a moment more in that depressing, shitty place. It reminds me of the foolish mistakes I made in the past. I think I can recover at home better. ” She grumbles, glancing in the direction of the cradle. I swallow the rest of the words when she mentions the past. Back then, she was constantly trying to hurt herself and often ended up in the hospital. Now, she has gotten out of that phase, and she is doing so much in life. I look in her direction, noticing how pale her face is before sighing softly.If staying at home helps her recover faster, then so be it. I will look after her.Silence falls in her bedroom as we watch Sebastian playing with the new baby. It feels like a rare moment of calm has befallen when a storm is still raging.If only I could stay here, and continue to watch
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EthanThe satisfaction a person feels after watching the last piece fit into an impossible puzzle is unparalleled.That’s exactly what I feel right now. A deep-rooted satisfaction that is more intoxicating than any drug in this world.“ Theodore took Serena. It seems he will keep her locked up and torture her for a while. She won’t be returning anytime soon. ” I hear the report calmly, my gaze drawn towards the almost complete puzzle of her face.The last piece is still in my hand. And I have been holding back from fitting it in. But now, I can. I lean in and place the piece in the puzzle, completing the picture of her perfect face. In that picture, she is smiling so brightly at me that it makes me want to bring her to my side faster. “ Won’t that cause a setback in our plan, Boss? ” My assistant asks.I just shake my head. I know Grace must have told Tristin to simply send Serena away after adopting the boy and signing an NDA. But Tristin didn’t listen to her. He didn’t let Serena
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TristinI didn’t even need to convince her. It felt like she was waiting for me to bring this up in front of her. After she signs the documents, a wide smile spreads across her lips. “ I was thinking…Tristin— ”“ Don’t call my name. ” I stare at her face calmly.Her smile wavers and she shudders before she continues. “ I was thinking Mr. Roberto…I can stay in the annex because it feels strange to live in the same house as Mrs. Roberto. This way I can stay close to Sebastian and I won’t be in Mrs. Roberto’s way either. ”I tilt my head to the right and study the fake nervousness painting her face. She thinks…after everything she did, and after she just signed the documents, I will still keep her around.Then again, I did tell her that after adopting Sebastian, I would let her stay. But I never mentioned… the place where I am planning on letting her stay.As if on cue, the door opens and Adler steps inside. Three other bodyguards follow him in, and instantly come to stand behind the c
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GraceI take a seat on the wingchair in the corner and watch the boy’s back. He has been standing in front of the window for a whole five minutes now.He is desperately trying to ignore me, but his curled hands and tense body give him away. Children…shouldn’t have to try so hard to hide their emotions. But, for some reason, he is trying to exercise extreme control over his nerves.“ I heard you refused to eat. You broke the bowl of soup I sent to you. ” I break the silence.I have no idea how I am supposed to communicate with a child who acts nothing like a child. If I talk to him in a baby voice and attempt to treat him like a baby, it feels like he will get more offended.“ And you have been trying to bully Sebastian. ” I add, my shoulders tensing.He scoffs. “ Sebastian is my name. ”I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. “ You both share the same name. You are Sebastian and he is Sebastian. ”“ No. Sebastian is my name. It can…just be my name. ” He says, without turning to fa
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GraceSilence falls between us. The steam lifts from the soup and hides his deep eyes for a moment.I take that time to pick up the tray so I can go to my son. “ Seb must be hungry. I need to— ”“ I gave him chocolates. He is sleeping now. ” Tristin interrupts, making me pause.“ You gave him chocolates for breakfast? ” My eyes narrow on him.He rubs the tips of his right ear and looks away. I want to tell him that Seb needs nutrients rich diet at all times because he was born weak, but I give up when I recall what happened earlier.I put the tray down and stand there, just watching the steaming soup. The silence between us stretches, and neither of us looks at each other.Then, as if sensing that it has been too long, Tristin breaks it first. “ I can bear anything as long as you and Seb stay happy and oblivious to how ugly things can get. This is not a sacrifice. This is my duty. ”“ If we use that logic, then isn’t it my duty to ensure that you don’t lose your sleep over your decisi
