He hadn’t cared about anything except what he was to discover in that darkened room in Harley Street, watching while a doctor had moved a sensory pad over the jelly-covered swell of her abdomen. Theodore's mind had been a whirl of thoughts and emotions, a cacophony of uncertainties about the future. Would he be a good father? What would their child look like? How would this new life change his relationship with Pamela, the woman who carried his child?Suddenly he’d seen an incomprehensible image spring to life on the screen. To Theodore, it had looked like a high-definition snowstorm—until he had seen a rapid and rhythmical beat and realised that he was looking at a beating heart. And that was when everything had changed. When he’d stopped thinking of Pamela’s pregnancy as something theoretical and seen reality there, right before his eyes. The abstract concept of parenthood crystallized into something tangible and miraculous.His heart had lurched as he’d stared at the form of his so
What she wanted was impossible—to be carrying the child of someone who loved her instead of resenting her for having fallen pregnant. Someone who would hold her in the small hours of the morning when the world seemed a very big and frightening place. She longed for a partner who would share in her dreams and fears, who would stand by her side and make her feel safe and cherished. But those kinds of thoughts were dangerous. Even shameful. Because wasn’t the truth that she still wanted Theodore to be that man—even though it was never going to happen?To Pamela’s terror, she’d discovered that you didn’t just fall out of love with a man because he’d spoken to you harshly or judged you in the worst possible way. Love didn’t obey logic or reason. It persisted, stubbornly clinging to the heart even when every rational part of her told her to let go. She couldn’t help but remember the moments when Theodore had been kind and gentle, the times he had made her laugh and feel special. Those memor
She bit her lip as hurt pride fought with an instinctive desire to make amends. Because wasn’t this something she was going to have to teach her baby—that forgiveness should always follow repentance? And there was absolutely no doubt from the stricken expression on Theodore’s face that his remorse was genuine. He looked so vulnerable, so unlike the composed and confident man she had come to know. His eyes were clouded with regret, his usually firm mouth turned down at the corners, and it struck her how much this moment meant to him. Her heart ached, but she knew that this was a crucial moment for them both.‘Yes, Theodore,’ she said softly, her voice barely more than a whisper. ‘I can forgive you.’He stared at her, but her generous clemency only heightened his sense of disquiet. It made him realize then that if they wanted some kind of future together, he had to go one step further. He had to open up in a way he had never done before. But it wasn’t easy—because everything in him rebe
He gave a wry smile. ‘There are more ways to hurt someone than with your fists. I was certainly excluded on a social level—never invited to the homes of my classmates. My saving grace was that I made every sports team going and I had first pick of all the girls.’ He shrugged as he realised that was about the time when he had begun to use the veneer of arrogance to protect him. ‘Though of course that only increased the feelings of resentment against me.’‘I can imagine.’ She sighed as she looked at him, longing to take him in her arms but too scared to dare try. Still afraid that nothing had really changed and that he would hurt her again as he had hurt her before. And besides, if he really meant it then didn’t he have to come to her?He saw the fear and the pain which clouded her face, and it mirrored the aching deep inside him. A terrible sense of frustration washed over him as he looked into her tawny eyes.‘Oh, Pamela—can’t you see that I’m a novice at all th
IT WAS a source of enormous frustration to Theodore that Pamela refused to marry him—no matter how many times he asked her.‘Why not?’ he demanded one morning, exasperated by what he perceived as her stubbornness. ‘Is it because of all those stupid accusations I made when you told me—when I said you’d deliberately got yourself pregnant in order to trap me?’‘No, darling,’ she replied with serene honesty—because those days of fury and confusion were long behind them. ‘That has absolutely nothing to do with it.’‘Why, then, Pamela?’Pamela wasn’t quite sure. Was it because things seemed so perfect now? So much the way she’d always longed for them to be that she was terrified of jeopardising them with unnecessary change? As if marriage would be like a superstitious person walking on a crack in the pavement—and bad luck would come raining down on them?It had become a bit of a game—which Theodore was determined to win, because he always won in the end. But winning was not uppermost in his
The sorrow was almost unmanageable, but Abegail was doing what she could to smile through the suffering and give him that dreamy look of trust, love, and encouragement that she had practiced so many times. This was what she wanted—what she had hoped and schemed for. A bit of pain and a few months until she could finally reveal the scene with the Reverend Rolando, her father—a scene she had rehearsed in her mind endlessly—and then this man would take her away from here forever. She had envisioned this moment in vivid detail, imagining the joy and relief that would flood her heart as she left behind the endless monotony of this place.Abegail dreamed of escaping the dreary, treeless expanse of Nolana, Kansas, a small town smack dab between nowhere and nothing. The landscape, flat and uninspiring, seemed to stretch on forever, a constant reminder of the limitations and stifling predictability of her current life. Her days were filled with the mundane routines of small-town existence, eac
She had flattered him, cooked for him, and given him the praise and admiring glances that had worked so well on her father when she wanted something from him. She had found out which colours Herd liked best and had endeavoured to wear those when he was around. She wore her luxuriant dark hair several ways when he was around at first, and she watched to see which style pleased him the most. And when she saw that special look of favour for a particular style, she henceforth wore her hair down, flowing free to beneath her shoulders—ignoring her father's looks of disapproval. And then the other special looks from Herd began, and she returned them demurely, as she hoped. Herd was an outspoken man in the book, and she didn't want to scare him off.But Herd was also a man. And she was a young, beautiful, and ripe woman. It didn't take much. A few warm apple pies, a dress in cornflower blue, a special smile, and fluttering eyelashes. Then moments alone on the porch swing after a good dinner,
Abegail sat paralysed, her dream world collapsing about her, as her father and Leonard briefly talked of Leonard's leaving. He was going farther west, into the new Colorado territory. Not east. He was leaving. He was leaving without her, and he was going west, not east—to the even more primitive wilds than the dreary Nolana, not to the opulent, lively cities of the east.Herd hadn't gotten a foot off the front porch, however, before Abegail let out a wail of betrayal and despair and ran past her father to the door out onto the porch, spewing out all that she and Leonard had done and that she was sure that she was pregnant by him now and that, as a man of God, he surely understood that they were already man and wife.Still not looking at her, Herd covered his embarrassment with his own raging."Man and wife?" he blustered. "I have not lain with you in the eyes of the Book, woman. We have not fornicated within the biblical context. I did nothing in your womb. That would be a sin. You ca