Haunted by the Past

"Lya, honey, it was just a nightmare” said my mom softly. Her green eyes were filled with tears, but she was holding them back just to give me a bit of strength. Probably she would cry while I was at the University, but in front of me my parents were trying to be strong and had always comforting words.

I automatically hugged her, and she hugged me even tighter. She always had this power of calming me without saying much. And during these tough months just these moments felt like I was living again. Tears streamed down my face, and she didn't even try to stop me. Her hand started making circles on my back and slowly I felt them slowly drying out. When she noticed I was calmer she pulled back, took my chin and looked at me with her beautiful green golden eyes, and said “I made pancakes and your favorite tea, so get up, have a shower and come downstairs”

“Mom I don't feel like…”

“You'd rather let your body decompose on this bed, while years pass by? Or you can get up and do something for yourself today. The choice is up to you my dear but you are 21, your whole life is waiting to be lived, and even if it may feel like a crap now, you can still fight for it to get better,”

“You always manage to do it” and she asked “what exactly did I do?”

“You never gave up on me, and never left me do it either”. She smiled back and stood up from my bed. “You have 10 minutes otherwise you'll be late for University, you know how much work we have at the pack Hospital, so hurry up to finish your studies and come help us”.

I nodded half-heartedly, not really hearing her. Got up and went straight to the shower. My mind went directly to him, to why all that happened and how could I make it better. I wasn't able to give up on us but he was nowhere to be found. After leaving the pack house that night he vanished and no one knew where he was or what he could be doing.

After getting ready I took my phone and out if habit I wrote him the usual good morning text, and as everyday they were all unanswered and and unread.

“How's your chest pain today?” Asked my father ad shead I stepped into the kitchen. I didn't even try to lie, I knew way too well that he would recognize it. And I knew even better that as a pack doctor he was one of the few who could really understand the physical pain of being rejected.

“It's still there dad, it's not really improving”. His eyebrows went together as he started thinking and mumbled “I will try something else tonight, maybe a warm pack with essential oils on your chest will help you loosen up all the muscles”

As I walked to the door, ready to head to the university, I paused. The world outside moved forward, it was winter and I hadn't even noticed it properly until that moment. I was stuck, trapped in that moment and frozen in time, still trying to understand how everything had gone so terribly wrong.

"When did this all happen?" I murmured more to myself than anyone else.

I moved through the Silverwood University halls like a ghost. I looked at everything, but my eyes were distant and unfocused. I could hear the continuous chatter, the occasional laughters, but they were all blurred into the background. After coming back she also noticed the staring eyes on her, the murmurs and even all the rumors about what she had supposedly done, but she was so unbothered that after a while it all stopped.

I sat through the lectures without absorbing a word. I stared at the professor and even took notes, but inside I heard nothing besides my pain. Life had become nothing more than a routine: wake up, go to class, pretend to care, and somehow survive the day.

Cara and Tara were the only ones whom I did still care about, and every day I found myself waiting for the moment when we would meet up in the cafeteria. They didn't try to distract me, nor to make me forget Romer. They stood on my side and really supported me by trying to listen whenever I wanted to talk, without any judgment. Sometimes they tried to make plans to make me go out, but they never insisted and never made me feel bad but for being in this state.

I was so thankful for having them in my life.

When the break between classes came, my feet moved on their own to the cafeteria. I barely noticed the other students around me and grabbed something to eat even if I wasn't hungry. Ordered a cup of rooibos caramel tea and went on our usual corner table by the window alone waiting for the girls. Staring blankly at the room my mind drifted, as it always did, to Romer.

We once spent hours talking about our future in these same rooms. We had dreamed of traveling the world together, exploring new places, experiencing life in other pqcks. Romer had always talked about how many different things he had already seen and I had always been fascinated by the idea of seeing the world beyond their pack’s territory. I had wanted nothing more than to be by his side, starting a life together, no matter where in the world.

But those dreams are gone now. Shattered by his rejection. All that remained were memories and pain.

"Lya."