Ang Panimula

I was sitting in the peaceful grass. I can hear the birds hum. I can see the white soft looking clouds up the blue sky. It was a very light and sunny Friday. And it was my eleventh birthday.

I am at the meadow near our field to celebrate my birthday alone. As always. I live with my biological parents, but we never celebrated my birthday together.

Ever since I grew up, I noticed how different my family is from others. Like today, they never celebrated even one of my birthdays. They never drop me off nor fetch me in my first day of school. They were never there. So I had to make everything alone.

Hindi ko maiwasan ang hindi mainggit noon. I was just six when I knew everything about me is different. Gusto ko man magtanong ay hindi ko na nagawa. Hanggang ngayon.

"Mama, sabi po ni teacher, kailangan daw po umattend ang parents-"

"Sa Yaya mo ka lumapit." then she walks away.

I was left there with the paper my teacher told us to bring back to her once the guardian signed it.

We have a maid. She's the one who's assisting me ever since. She was the one who's there with me from the very start. Sometimes, I even think that she's my real Mother. But that can't happen.

I walked through Papa's office one day to show him my drawing. It was our family. Mama and Papa. And then me and my brother in the midldle. Our school teacher told us to draw the most special things or person that we really love or like. I drew them.

"Papa?" I knocked on the door. 

I received no answer. I leaned into the door to hear some noise from inside but I don't hear anything. I knocked again.

"Papa, papa?"

I was about to knock again when the door suddenly opened. And Papa is now standing tall in front of me with no much reaction. But as a happy six-year-old kid who wants to show her parents her drawing, I smiled.

"Look Papa, I drew our family." 

Without any words, Papa shut the door closed. I felt my tears pooled in my eyes. With an eye flick, I knew it will eventually stream down. 

I drew our family as the main thing I love. I drew us. But Papa shut me down.

Nasanay na ako na walang tumatayo sa tabi ko. Nasanay na ako na hindi nila ginagawa ang mga bagay na dapat ay dinadaluhan nila sa akin. Nasanay na ako na wala sila lagi. I am used to it all that I don't have the confidence to ask.

We are four in the house. With our maid, that made us five. Beside my parents, I also have an older brother. Despite of being siblings, hindi kami palaging nagkakausap. We are in the same school, pero lagi lang namin nilalampasan ang isa't-isa. We are not close.

But he, my brother, gets the attention he needs. Palaging siya iyong pinapansin. I remember how Mom ran to our school because my brother fainted. I bet they wouldn't bother if it was me.

My life isn't ideal. There is a lot of question that is left unanswered. My whole existence is a big question to me. I once asked, why am I even born? Am I really for this? 

I lived my life the way how I am used to. Hindi ko sila pinapakialamanan dahil ganoon din naman sila sa akin. We are one family. But I never felt their appearance as my family. 

Four years had passed when I was in the park alone to celebrate my birthday again. I'm fifteen now. At sa bawat taon na lumilipas, isang bagay lang ang nagbago, lalong lumungkot. 

Habang tumatagal ay mas laIong lumulungkot. I am in my high school life as a student and I could see how everyone grow with their whole family. Samantalang ako ay laging nag-iisa. 

Nakaupo lang ako sa isang bench habang pinagmamasdan ang mga bata. I'm not here to play. Not that I have a friend anyway. With all the years that I have celebrated my birthdays, nasanay na rin ako. 

Tahimik lang ako noon nang may maamoy ako. I smell something bold. Habang tumatakbo ang oras ay mas naaamoy ko iyon. I can't point it out. It somewhat smell like a sweaty and a sun on the skin. Habang mas lumalapit iyon ay naririnig ko rin ang mumunti niyang hininga. Sumasakit ang ulo ko dahil doon. I closed my eyes so tight because I can't bare the pain. My brain is like squeezing as my head is like being pinned by a heavy rock. 

Nang hindi talaga makayanan ang sakit ay balak ko nang ilabas lahat sa pag sigaw nang isang bata ang naramdaman kong humawak sa braso ko. Sa gulat ko ay napaatras ako at naitulak ang kaniyang braso. Hindi iyon malakas pero natumba siya. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil doon.

"Aray! Gusto lang naman kita yayain maglaro!" galit na tugon noong bata.

My forehead creased when I remember what just happened a minute ago. Iyong pag sakit ng ulo ko ay ngayon wala na. Mas lalo akong naguluhan nang pag singhot ko ay naamoy ko ng malapitan iyong naaamoy ko kanina. Iyong amoy araw at pawis sa balat. 

Tumingin ako sa bata. If I'm not mistaken, she is the one I’m smelling. Her skin is covered by sweat and I can smell it from where I'm standing. Her hair is all messed up and wet. Her shirt is filled with dirt. 

"D'yan ka na nga!" saad pa muli nito bago tumakbo palayo. 

Pinagmasdan ko siya habang papalayo. I saw a bunch of kids her age all sweat and playing far away from me. Ganoon nalang ang gulat ko ng mapansin ang layo nila sa akin. But how can I smell her from our distance. At bakit ang talas ng pang-amoy ko sa kaniya. 

Wala pang ilang segundo bago noong nangyari ay nakaamoy na naman ako. Hindi na iyon dahil lang sa isang tao. But I am smelling a lot of mixed smell. Like a cold strawberry ice cream. Mabilis akong pumaling sa kaliwa ko nang doon magmula ang amoy. And to my surprise, I saw a girl eating a color pink ice cream. 

Nakaamoy din ako ng pritong manok. Nang bumaling ako sa ibang direksyon ay nakita kong may kumakain noon. At sobrang lapit niya sa akin.

Hindi lang iyon, kun’di sobrang dami. Nag halo-halo ang lahat ng amoy sa ilong ko. At habang parami ng parami iyon ay bumabalik na naman ang sakit ng ulo ko. 

 I decided to go home after that. I've already spent an hour or two sitting there to celebrate my birthday and I think that's enough. Lalo na ngayon na hindi ko rin makayanan ang sakit ng ulo ko sa hindi ko malaman na rason.

Years is passing and I have noticed the changes in me. Magmula noong fifteenth ko ay lumakas na ang pang-amoy ko. Habang tumataas ang edad ko ay hindi lang iyon ang naging pagbabago sa akin. Even my eyesight. I could clearly see things even if it’s far. I can see them in perfect detail. 

Noong una ay inakala kong normal lamang iyon at biyaya para sa akin. I never thought a day would come and my dark life became darker.