Chapter One - Sleepless Nights

Actually, I could have decided it myself, but this silent lure, which urged me to act, left me no peace.

I had been tossing and turning in my bed for half an hour, keeping my eyes closed, trying to sleep. However, I did not feel any tiredness.

Even after a few more minutes, this ordeal seemed to have no end. My eyes widened and I stared at the ceiling, completely paralyzed. Again this urge drove through my whole body. The darkness outside seemed to be calling me, but when I cautiously shifted my gaze to the window, my throat tightened.

I felt like I couldn't breathe, but I lay still and stared at the ceiling again. My chest was heaving up and down heavily. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I closed my eyes tightly for a split second and then sat up.

I just couldn't help myself.

I walked down our street without looking back at the house. It was dark. All that lit my way were the moon, the stars and a few lights that were still burning in the windows of the houses. Also, it was really cold outside, so I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and tried to stop myself from shaking. I rummaged through some loose papers until I grabbed my pocket knife, which I still carried in my pocket from the last camping trip ages ago. It seemed to have some rust on it. It had probably already seen several washing machine runs.

I stubbornly threw the thought away and focused on the path again.

Without a plan of where to walk, I just let my feelings guide me.

After a few minutes, I could see the burning lanterns on the Temture Bridge. It looked so unusually bright, the whole time I had this dark path in front of me and now this well-lit bridge. At first my eyes were so busy adjusting to the light that I didn't even notice there was someone at the railing back there.

It was a young man and upon closer inspection it looked like he was about to jump and not just there enjoying the silence. My breath caught. With his hands he still held on to the railing and pushed himself forward a little. It seemed almost unequivocal.

I was petrified for a moment and couldn't look away. I blinked a few times to make sure this wasn't just my eyes tricking me, which were still trying to get used to the light.

As my rigidity slowly eased, I became unsure, I didn't know what to do. I looked at the boy again, but I could still see him standing on the other side of the railing. Although he had leaned back again, it was not possible for me to watch idly. I took a deep breath, gathered all my courage and finally made the decision to just go there. Easier said than done.

Everything will be fine, I told myself.

"Ahem.." I began my sentence far too quietly and cleared my throat briefly. "Hey, are you alright?" I asked the boy hesitantly from a few meters away, but there was no answer. Didn't he hear me?

I waited another moment, but he just seemed to ignore me.

He hadn't even turned in my direction. So, nervously, I took a few steps closer. "Ar.. hello?" I asked again - again there was no answer. That didn't exactly help my weak courage. Gradually I got a little scared and was even more insecure than at the beginning. It felt like something was dying inside me, but this time I walked so close to him that he was only a meter or two away. My legs had carried me no further.

"Hey, are you okay?", the trembling in my voice was hard to suppress. This time the boy turned his head and just looked at me for a brief moment. His facial expression at that moment looked indescribably confused. I didn't want to know what he had thought about me. His face was also inexplicably familiar to me, but I was certain I had never seen him here before.

Suddenly he turned away and mumbled something unintelligible to himself. Since I didn't understand it, I asked, but again he said nothing to my question. I snorted, discouraged, shook my head, and looked at the Asphalt ground. At exactly that moment he stopped mumbling and paused for a moment. With a mechanical movement of his hand, he removed a single earphone from his right ear.

"I'm fine," he replied calmly, without any emotion in his voice and tilted his head in my direction. "I was just..." He exhaled deeply. "I was just a little confused after tonight," he added.

"And what was so confusing today, if I may ask?" I burst out curiously. I wish I could have taken the question back. Somehow I slowly started to tremble again, I didn't know if it was because of the cold or because of this gloomy aura the strange boy gave off.

"It, it's just... everything is so different," he replied. "Looks pretty high," the words suddenly came out of my mouth as I looked down at the small river.

"I hope so," he whispered so quietly and monotonously that I almost only heard it as a low hum. I cramped. "Maybe the question sounds really weird now, but were you about to jump?" I actually balked at asking that question as it sounded really weird when he just wanted to sit here quietly, also it was probably beyond tactless, however there was no turning back now.

My heart nearly stopped due to fear of the answer.

He was still gripping the railing with both his hands. It was tall enough to stand, almost sit on, and looked straight up at the full moon. He fixed his gaze on it for a while and only turned back to me after some clouds had almost obscured the moon. There was something both impressive and frightening about this sight.

"Yes," he remained serious and looked straight at me with his blue eyes. They seemed to pierce through me and straight into my soul. "I was going to - to jump, or rather: I'm actually I still want to do it." My stomach clenched.

"Just because something has changed doesn't mean you should kill yourself," I said impulsively, not thinking of any repercussions. It probably seemed rude.

"You don't understand!" His voice got stronger, but he stayed relatively calm. Something in me seemed to be able to understand his thoughts, or at least to want to. I knew that feeling when you want everything to just stop.

It was usually out of my nature to get involved in other people's lives without being asked, but I just couldn't stop.

"Maybe I really don't get it, but look at you. You're a handsome young man, how old are you? 20? You have so much ahead of you. Life can change and get better every day."

I didn't know what got into me at that moment, but the thought that he would just throw everything away just didn't want to get into my head. I didn't even know him.

"No one would care. Not my family - nobody!" he said firmly.

"So you want to kill yourself because nobody cares? No one seems to bother, right?" I made a mocking noise and continued, "Your family will wake up tomorrow and be wondering where you are. The police will have to tell them you're dead and they'll be broken inside. They will walk into your room, teary-eyed, staring at your empty bed and just wondering, 'Why?' Is it their fault? Could there be something they could have done differently? No one will ever be able to answer that for them.

And all your friends and the people who knew you will think of the last time they saw you. Many of them will ask themselves 'Did I notice something?' or 'Why didn't I notice anything?'. People you've had arguments with or been mean to you, they'll feel eternal guilt about why they weren't nicer to you. This might not be the worst part of it, but they all will. Your family, friends - just everyone.

And what about the funeral? All your stuff? They will look through them trying to remember only the good times, but all the bad will come up and they might fall into a deep hole as well.

They will stand in front of your grave and weep. 'Why did this have to happen? ' No one will ever understand. Of course they try to see it positively. You are in a better place. Everyone will miss you terribly and they will realize how important you were and still are.

Your death will matter to so many.

God damn I don't know you, but I'm going to be one of those people!"

I hadn't screamed, but I got louder and felt my throat hurt now. I had clearly spoken too quickly and tensely. But it just had to come out. It was like I had talked my heart out. It was part of something that had been on my tongue for a long time.

I tried with all my might to stop the young man from jumping. My words felt like something out of a novel and at the same time I doubted whether they all made sense in that order. They were probably the most clichéd thing that had ever left my lips, but they seemed to help a bit because he stepped off the railing.

"You're probably right," he sounded insightful, and I was surprised. Just now I almost regretted having said anything at all. I expected him to freak out, but now...

His eyes shone in the full-moonlight as he looked at me. Now I could finally see completely who I was talking to.

The boy was wearing a black hoodie with 'Stay Brutal' written in green over it, a regular black leather jacket and matching dark jeans. A few dark strands fell into his face and he was clearly more than a head taller than me. Yes, I really hadn't seen him before.

"May I ask what your name is?" His initially so confused and probably a little disturbed facial expression of unknown origin, now turned into a slight smile. I needed a moment. "Sorry", I whispered still thinking about earlier. "My name is Morgan," I finally answered, trying to get out of his gaze. "And your name?" I added.

"I'm Jared." He stayed quiet for a moment, but continued to stare at me.

"Thanks Morgan, for your kind words." Embarrassed, I looked away, feeling kind of stupid. " I might have been a little harsh." Before I knew, I could only feel his lips on mine. At first I wanted to flinch , but I just couldn't because I was far too overwhelmed by the situation.

He clearly appeared to have a lip piercing or something.

As soon as he kissed me, he stopped and left without saying anything. I stood there frozen and saw only a lonely empty street.