Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Josie

I pull the blankets up to Everly’s shoulders after tip-toeing into her room. She fell asleep with her phone in her hand, and I slowly slide it out of her grip. I know her passwords to everything—or at least I think I do. That was part of the deal when I allowed her to get on social media. Originally, I didn’t want her to have her own account on any sort of platform until she was sixteen but gave in when it became clear she was one of the few kids in her class who was without and she felt singled out for that.

Fuck, it’s hard to be a parent in the digital age. I understand the importance of social media just as much as I’m aware of the dangers. It’s a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t situation. In the end, I decided it was better to give her the green light and set up something together rather than risk her sneaking it and doing God knows what behind my back.

I’ve been told to “be a mother and not a friend” over and over again, but if my own mother was more of a friend who I felt comfortable going to with private matters, I probably wouldn’t have ended up pregnant. The only sex talk I got from my parents was: “wait until marriage because it’s a sin to have sex before you’re married.” And I believed Josh when he told me I wouldn’t get pregnant if I went to the bathroom right after sex so “it would all come out.”

My parents did what they thought was best, having both been raised in strict Catholic homes themselves. And while having a pregnant teenage daughter was the last thing they expected, my parents supported and loved me throughout the whole thing. My mom took a year off from work so I could finish high school, and Everly has a great relationship with her grandparents now.

We’re lucky, I know.

Unlocking the phone, I quickly scroll through Everly’s text messages. I don’t read every one, but I’m looking for any red flags I should be aware of. There’s a fine line between respecting her privacy and knowing what’s going on for safety’s sake.

She and Alma spoke briefly about the incident at school, and then the topic switched to a book series they’re reading and how hot the main character is even though he’s “a total dick.” She hasn’t texted anyone else her age in days, and after Alma and myself, the other people she texts the most are Louisa, Nicole—my younger brother’s fiancée—and my mother.

I am tempted to read through the texts from my mom but I do a quick check through her social media instead. My parents loved and supported me, but our relationship was strained for a long time. Louisa is a successful lawyer married to an accomplished doctor and philanthropist. Elijah is finishing his last year to get some sort of advanced engineering degree and proposed to Nicole only a few months ago.

My siblings have never made me feel less than, but I can’t help but feel like the failure of the family when we’re all together. Though all it takes is one look at Everly and I know she’s better than any degree or high-paying job. I love my daughter with all my heart and don’t regret a single thing.

Not finding anything worrisome, I put the phone back in Everly’s room—after skipping tomorrow’s alarm, that is. Kissing the top of her head, I go into my room and start packing my suitcase. I already talked to Aunt Kim and she’s more than happy to have us. She’s my dad’s sister and helped me out by paying for Phoenix when I was struggling. Dad has always said I get my love of horses from her. Going to visit her was the highlight of my summers as a child, and I hate that it’s been over a year since we’ve seen her.

Life just got away from us.

But I make a promise not to let it anymore. It’s too short. Too fleeting. I want to make the most of the days I have, and I want more than anything for my daughter to enjoy her days.

“You’re coming with us,” I tell Mr. Meowster. “I think you’ll like it. Or maybe hate it. Aunt Kim has a dog. But there is a wonderful screened in porch for you to bird watch.”

The fat gray cat doesn’t seem impressed. I run my hand over his fur and then go to my closet, packing everything I can fit into my suitcase. I’ve always been an over-packer and have to be prepared or my anxiety goes sky high. I never thought much about consequences before and was a classic it’ll happen to someone elsekind of person.

Then I got pregnant.

Lugging my suitcase downstairs, I put it by the back door and start filling a box with random household items I probably won’t need but don’t want to risk it. Silver Ridge is a small town, but it has stores. Still, I’m tempted to bring the air fryer and my mini composter but draw the line at those items.

“You’ll need to come,” I tell my assortment of house plants. I bring those out into the car and then go back inside, Louisa’s voice echoing in my head. It makes me hesitate, teeth sinking into my bottom lip. We’re close to the end of the school year. It’s stupid to pull Everly out of school when the end is in sight.

But it’s idiotic to put my daughter’s mental health at risk for the sake of a grade. She’s not doing too well in her classes this year because of her social struggles. My plan was to call her off school tomorrow since it’s Friday, stay the weekend, and then consider coming home Wednesday or Thursday after a week off.

It’s been a long time since I’ve done something impulsive like this. But I can feel it deep in my heart that this is exactly what she needs.

*

“Mom!”

Heavy hands land on my shoulder, giving me a shake before my covers are ripped off.

“Mom!” Everly’s panicked voice causes me to shoot straight up.

“What?”

“My alarm didn’t go off! I’m late for school!”

Oh, right. Flopping back down, I do my best not to smile. “No school today.”

“Mom, it’s Friday! Tomorrow is Saturday. How could you forget?”

I turn my head against my pillow, unable to keep the smile off my face.

“Mom!” Everly shakes me again and I start laughing. “What? What’s going on?”

“You’re not going to school today.”

“Why? Did I get expelled?”

I sit back up. “No. Why would you—never mind. You know how I said I wanted to see Aunt Kim soon? Well, today is soon. Soon is today?” I shake my head and sleepily push my brunette hair back.

“What?” Everly blinks several times.

“I thought we could use a change of scenery. Like now,” I say and Everly looks at me in stunned silence. “Unless you don’t want to go.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yes.” I playfully nudge her. “I talked to Aunt Kim last night and she’s happy to have us come help her with the animals.”

“But what about school?”

“I already emailed them to say you won’t be there today.”

“I really don’t have to go to school today? I can skip?”

“Yes,” I laugh and the look of relief that takes over her face almost does me in. I don’t want her to hate school like this. And she loves learning, so the only reason school isn’t enjoyable is because of other students. “I already packed up a bunch of stuff, but you need to get your own crap. I’ll make coffee while you get to it.” Instead of getting up, I lay back down, pulling Everly with me. She climbs under the covers and I wrap my arms around her.

“I love you, Mom,” she says softly.

“I love you, too, pumpkin.”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Never!” I kiss her cheek. “You’ll always be my little pumpkin.”

“You need to get married and have another kid if you want to keep using baby names.”

I let out a snort of laughter and brush her hair back. “Let’s just say I met the perfect man in like a month or so. It’ll take like a year before we’re married, and then like another year until I pop out another kid. You’ll be the same age I was when I had you.”

“That’s so weird to think about. I don’t want to have a baby in two years.”

“I don’t want you to either. And speaking of that, if you need birth control of any kind, you come to me, okay?”

“Mom,” she groans, having heard this over and over. I refuse to let the subject of birth control or being sexually active be embarrassing to talk about. I won’t attach shame to either, because if I make Everly feel ashamed of anything she’s doing, then she’ll hide it from me. Like I did from my parents.

“I’d rather you be prepared.”

“I’m only fourteen.”

“And I was only fifteen when I went all the way with my first boyfriend.”

“I’m much more educated than you,” she says matter of factly and I laugh again. I hold her closer and let my eyes fall shut, thinking about what life would be like if I actually did find someone to settle down with.

Josh came back six years after he left us. He had graduated college at that point and had just landed a decent job. He told me he had tried to move on but couldn’t get us out of the back of his head. At the time, I was still young and naive and loved the idea of being one big happy family.

And for a few weeks, everything seemed like we were headed in the right direction. We “dated” for a bit before I even let him meet his daughter. What I thought were unrequited feelings for each other quickly surfaced, fanning the old flame between us. But it didn’t take long before the flame sparked a fire, and it wasn’t the burning hot passion I wanted.

It was destructive, leaving a trail of ashes in its wake.

After only a month of playing the role of a family man, Josh left again, saying that this life just “wasn’t for him.” Louisa, now working for a prestigious firm, handled all the custody issues. Though, it wasn’t hard to get Josh legally written out of Everly’s life. He happily signed away his rights.

Like some sort of demon crawling out of the bowels of hell to perform some sort of ritual, he came back another six years later on Everly’s twelfth birthday. He was completely wasted, caused a scene in front of her friends, and demanded to be a part of his daughter’s life.

Pair all that with the only other serious boyfriend I’ve had turning out to be toxic, controlling, and dangerously obsessed with me, it’s clear to see why I’ve written off relationships. I’ll never give up on love—and I really do think soul mates and true love exists.

Some people find who they’re meant to be with. They’re the lucky ones. Some people will know a love so pure and true their lives will forever be changed for the better.

And some people—like me—don’t.